The Batcave has a âDo Not Talk To Meâ couch. Itâs sacred. Itâs unspoken. Itâs real.
okay so. picture this:
the batcave has one couch. it's in the corner. itâs hideous. itâs like beige or green or something equally offensive to every one of their aesthetics. no one likes the couch.
and that is exactly why it became sacred.
because one night jason just. drops onto it. full gear. bleeding. absolutely done with life. says nothing. doesnât even take off the helmet. sits there in silence for 3 hours and then leaves.
next week tim uses it. sits there post-mission. face in hands. someone tries to ask if heâs okay and jason throws a batarang at them.
and thus it began.
Rules of the Do Not Talk To Me Couch:
You sit there? No one speaks to you.
You cry? No you didnât.
You eat cold noodles off your chest at 4 a.m.? Thatâs sacred time.
If someone tries to comfort you? They are excommunicated for 12 hours.
Dick (sitting on the couch):
Damian: Grayson, are youâ
Jason (from across the cave): HEâS ON THE COUCH.
Jason: I donât make the rules.
Steph: You LITERALLY made the rules.
Jason: And I am the defender of the rules. Thereâs a difference.
one time damian storms in. covered in blood. absolutely furious. 10/10 rage goblin energy. throws his sword. marches to the couch. sits. arms crossed. steaming.
tim takes one look at him and goes: âiâm making tea.â
jason: âthatâs acceptable. tea is allowed. talking is not.â
bonus:
once bruce sits on it.
and the ENTIRE CAVE goes silent.
tim literally freezes mid-typing. cass stops mid-flip. jason just mutters âoh shit.â
they all leave. immediately.
the couch is not ready for bruce.
extra bonus:
alfred vacuums around the couch. never says a word. leaves snacks in a silent offering. once placed a weighted blanket gently on jasonâs shoulder. thatâs different. heâs allowed.



















