The Sullied House

I don't want to be vindictive.

I don't want to hold grudges.

I hate the fact that I can remember every time when I've been left out, when I've been made to feel unwanted. Joys of being a creature of sentiment, good and bad.

But at the same time, is it being vindictive when you then, going forward, not expect anything? To become instinctively withdrawn when topics or events you've been excluded from are brought to conversation?

And to not even want to bother making plans anymore. And just do things on your own.

Am I being entitled and lashing out? Is this just me trying to get my own back. Fine, I can do it my own then, fuck you?

Or am I just trying to just, not run the risk of missing out on things I'd have liked to have done, and damn even bothering to make it known. I don't owe anything.

Once bitten, twice shy as they say. But is it spite or self-assertion that drives me now? Does it even matter why?