just a bunch of honkus ponkus

3. Buck is the last one up, because he doesn't want to whack anyone with a crutch. "You gonna need to miss any class?" Professor Deluca asks as he packs up his own bag. "I don't think so," Buck says. "Uh, I'm not starting physical therapy for a bit. Everything has to...go back together." "If you wake up one day and it hurts beyond belief, give yourself a day," Professor Deluca says. "My class ain't that important. You tell anyone I said that and I'll fail you." Buck ducks his head and laughs. "Yeah, okay," he agrees. "Do you know where 310 is?" The professor's lips twitch like he's trying not to smile. "Yeah, elevator and one floor up, go to the end of the hall. You got Kinard?" Buck nods. "Guy's a hardass, likes to be called 'sir,'" he says. "Thanks for the tip," Buck says, swinging his bag over his shoulder. Dr. Kinard is teaching a queer literature class, not a women's literature class, but it's classified under both Gender and LGBTQ+ Studies. And he quietly tells Buck during a free moment that he doesn't have to call him 'sir,' and Buck sinks in his seat. "Sorry, Professor Deluca--" "Whatever that man tells you outside lectures, don't listen," Dr. Kinard says dryly.

4. Buck is going to Dr. Kinard's office hours, because he's pretty sure he doesn't understand the book they're reading. Like at all. And he's not even halfway through it. When he approaches, he sees Professor Deluca bend and kiss Dr. Kinard before murmuring something and stepping back. He waves to Buck and walks away, and Buck looks between them for a moment. He's pretty sure professors can date, right? His parents worked at the same school for a decade without any problems, and they were just teaching high school. "Ah, yeah, that's my husband," Dr. Kinard says, waving him in. "What's up?" "I don't understand this book," Buck says, easing himself into a chair. "It's Djuna Barnes, no one understands it," he says, smiling. "But what's sticking out to you?" And Buck pulls out his copy. He's got sticky tags poking out all over. "Uh," Dr. Kinard says. "Green is 'possible quote to pull for the paper,' yellow is 'interesting,' red is 'I don't get it,' and blue is 'I think I get this but I should make sure,'" Buck explains. "Uh, there's a lot of red and blue." "I...can see that," Dr. Kinard says, smiling. They discuss the book until the end of his office hours, and Buck finds himself thinking a lot about some things that he's never really considered before. He gets on his bus and leans his head back against the window and blinks at the ceiling. By the time he's getting into his elevator, he thinks he might not be as straight as he'd always believed himself to be.

5. He's trying to get dates lined up for physical therapy, but the workman's comp system is jerking him around on the timeline, even though his doctor cleared him to start. He goes to Professor Deluca and asks him what he should do. "You're in a union, use it," he says. "Every step of the way, you have them on speed dial. They'll make sure you're not screwed over, that's why they exist. You've been getting workman's comp, right?" "Yeah, it's a little weird, though," Buck admits. "Uh, it's kind of...the first time they've ever seen this kind of claim. So there was a whole thing about it." "You're a firefighter, they've never had one break a leg before?" Professor Deluca asks, frowning. "Oh, no, my leg got crushed by a ladder truck," Buck says, and Professor Deluca's eyebrows shoot up. "There was a bomb." He tells him the story, and Professor Deluca scribbles something on a sticky note and hands it to him. "That's my cell," he says. "You get screwed around over this at any point, you call me. Jesus, kid, I'm sorry that happened to you." And Buck kind of awkwardly thanks him and settles in for class as students start trickling in. He goes to Dr. Kinard's class after and kind of accidentally comes out during the class discussion, because today is apparently the day he's oversharing. After, Dr. Kinard asks him if he's okay, because the discussion had been a little heated. "Yeah, uh, sorry," Buck says. "Don't be," Dr. Kinard says, smiling. "I'm just glad you're okay. See you at office hours?"

6. He finds himself bouncing between constantly wanting to impress and please his professors and also realizing he's spending more time with them outside of class than any other students. He talks to Bobby about it one day when Bobby's making dinner with him. "Haven't you ever had a crush on a teacher?" Bobby asks incredulously, and no. Buck's parents are teachers, so he's never seen the appeal. But now he's self conscious about what he's doing but also afraid to change his behavior in case they notice. He's noticed that they don't ever brush him off, and Professor Deluca even shows up to office hours and gets in on the discussions or debates. They honestly seem more and more married as time goes on. "Thomas, I swear to god I will divorce you if you try to convince me--" "It's a queer reading, not--" "It's the fucking Babadook!" And they both look to Buck to settle the argument, but he's never seen it. Then he's given access to a Google drive that he's not allowed to tell anyone about, and it's filled with movies and TV shows. For academic purposes. Dr. Kinard keeps the files to refer to them, pull clips for classes, and for research. There's even corresponding documents with notes that are timestamped that don't always make sense, because they're referring to other media or papers. But Buck starts watching them when he's got free time, and he eases himself into the chair in Dr. Kinard's office and says, "I mean, it could be about the coming out process." Professor Deluca shakes his head in disappointment. "You're dead to me, Buckley," he says as Dr. Kinard pumps his fist behind him. "You're just mad because you've got no imagination," Dr. Kinard says. Professor Deluca quirks an eyebrow and smirks at him. "Now you know that ain't true, baby," he says, and Buck feels it sink low into his belly.

7. He makes it through the semester. He starts physical therapy. He has to do online classes only, and they're fine but not as engaging. He almost dies from blood clots. He's in class when the tsunami hits. He gets stuck behind a desk. And he gets told the college is due for an inspection. When he shows up in Professor Deluca's office, because Dr. Kinard's was empty, he sees Dr. Kinard sitting on the corner of the desk and leaning forward while they look at each other like they're ready to sweep everything off and go at it. "Fire Marshal," Buck says, and they look to him and both grin. They get to talking, checking in with him and looking concerned when he tells them about everything that's happened. "Kid, you should go into academia," Professor Deluca says. "If only so we can keep an eye on you." He flushes and shrugs and tells them he's okay now. He does have to finish his inspection, but he wanted to say hi and thank them for being so great. Not long after, he calls his union steward and then waffles before shooting a text to the rarely used number for Professor Deluca. He shows up at Buck's office. He looks infuriated. He helps Buck draft an email to the LAFD brass, Bobby, and his union. They attach the letters from Buck's doctors clearing him for all duty. Buck gets squirmy when Professor Deluca adds in something about possible legal action. "You put the fear of God in them or they'll keep waking all over you," Professor Deluca says. "C'mon, I'll buy you lunch."

8. It's over lunch that Buck accidentally tells his former professor that he's got a crush on him and his husband, which is crossing a line and he knows it. "Yeah, well, we crossed more than few with you," Professor Deluca says. "You think I'd show up to give personal labor rights advice to just anyone?" "I mean, you might," Buck says, smiling. "Kid, I ain't that nice," he says, grinning. "You planning on taking more classes?" "I don't know," Buck admits. "I guess it depends on what happens from here. I really loved being back in school, but...I'm a firefighter. I don't wanna be anything other than that. It's not just a job for me." He expects disappointment, but there isn't any. Instead, a few days later, he shows up to Dr. Kinard's office. He's packing up, it's later in the day. "Hey, you almost missed me," he says, smiling. They walk out toward the faculty lot, and Professor Deluca is leaning against an old car. "They're giving me my job back," Buck says. "So, uh, I guess I'm dropping out again." "Good," Professor Deluca says, smiling. "You wanna grab a bite to eat?" And Buck looks between them and realizes what he's actually being asked and nods eagerly.

9. It's after dinner and then another dinner and then lunch that he finally kisses them. They'd been taking this slow, calling it hangouts more than dates, because they're married and he was their student and he just went through a whole lot. Once he kisses them, it's full speed ahead, though. They're on dates once a week, he's in a text thread with them that's 80% debates and discussions about books or movies or shows. Their schedules finally line up in a way where he's got four days off right as they've got three, and he goes to their house and barely makes it out of bed for two days. He's just gotten his dick sucked by his two genius, hot boyfriends and has them cuddled up on each side of him when he realizes this might be getting really serious for him. Or already has.

tommy is man enough to admit he has a WILD crush on this guy, but he's professional enough not to let it get in the way of doing his job. anyway, he really likes taylor too — she's funny and ambitious and a little mean which are all characteristics tommy really likes in a friend. while evan is sweet and enthusiastic and full of sunshine, which are all things tommy likes in a guy. not that it matters, he reminds himself, because taylor's not going to be his friend, and evan's absolutely not going to be his man. normally, he can guess within a few minutes of meeting a couple whether they're going to stay together, but he really can't tell with these two. the vibe he gets is good friends with a lot ot sexual chemistry.

the show goes on — tasks, activities, honesty challenges, whatever they do on this show, again, i apologise, i have not watched it oops — and tommy continues to spend a lot of time with both of them. he and evan hit it off immediately, even beyond the things they have in common. a couple times tommy thinks there's something more to it — evan's almost too interested in what he has to say, finds too many excuses to hang out with him and talk to him about things other than his relationship with taylor.

the day before the show do their "new relationship" twist, where each half of a couple gets assigned a new person to live with for three weeks, to see whether the grass is really greener, evan and taylor have a huge fight, and neither of them will tell tommy what it was about. oh, they give him reasons ("he doesn't respect my work and his 'family' hates me" vs. "sometimes i don't think she even wants to be with me at all, she doesn't take me seriously"), but he can tell they're both holding out on him.

evan gets matched with a vet tech named elena who is sweet and funny and has none of taylor's sharp edges. taylor gets matched with an entrepreneur named alan who is hot as breakfast, but takes himself extremely seriously and has none of evan's sweetness or enthusiasm (unless you count his enthusiasm for perfectly calibrating his pre-workout stacks).

tommy thinks it's going to make them both realise how much they like each other, maybe they'll make it after all. and then he gets a text from a runner who works on the show saying buck needs to talk to him urgently. once the moment of "who the hell is buck?" has passed, tommy hurries over to the apartment evan is currently sharing with elena and finds him pacing up and down the corridor. the first thing out of his mouth is "i think i have to quit the show".

tommy's not as cutthroat as some of the producers who will do anything it takes to keep a contestant on the show, but he does need to know more, and he doesn't want evan to sacrifice his fee if he walks. "okay," he says. "why don't we go get a drink and we can talk it through?" evan nods, looking pitifully grateful. tommy takes him to a nearby coffee shop, because he doesn't drink with contestants on the show. evan looks around with big, wide, worried eyes like he's expecting the place to be full of other producers who are there specifically to listen in on their conversation. tommy fights against a deeply unhelpful wave of affection and buys their coffees.

it's worse than he imagined. "taylor's writing an article," evan says in a hushed voice. "about the ethics of reality tv." tommy thinks, shiiiiiiiit, and starts flicking through a mental rolodex of every interaction he's had with either of them. crush aside, he doesn't think he's crossed any lines. but there's a really messy couple that one of the other producers has been handling, and there are always, always people on these shows that need therapy more than they need to air out their relationship woes on national tv for entertainment. and then evan says, "but we signed stuff. i don't want her to get in trouble." and if tommy wasn't already falling for him, he thinks that would have done it. "if i quit," he goes on, "if i say they can't use my footage, will that help?"

they go back and forth on it for the length of time it takes them to drink two coffees each. at one point tommy says, "it's sweet, that you're concerned for her. you're a good boyfriend." evan's mouth twists unhappily and he says, "don't give me too much credit. i'm so…i'm so embarrassed, tommy. we came on this stupid show — sorry, i know it's your job, but if i have to do one more ridiculous fake date or honesty exercise i'm going to lose my mind — and i don't think she ever even wanted to figure out if we should stay together or not. i think it was just a way in for her." ambitious, that was the first thing tommy noticed about taylor, the first thing he liked about taylor. now, looking at the way evan's drooping like a sad puppy sitting outside in the rain, it doesn't seem so endearing. "i'll talk to her," tommy offers. "don't do anything yet, okay?" evan nods, sniffs, thanks tommy for the coffees.

on their way back to the apartment complex where the contestants are staying, evan stops on the sidewalk and says, "um. thank you. i'm—i'm really glad it's you." tommy doesn't know what to do with that, so he reaches out, intending to put his arm over evan's shoulders and give him a jostling, bro-y half hug. instead, evan reaches out in return and the gentle way he puts his arms around tommy, the careful way his hands spread wide on tommy's shoulder blades like he wants to feel as much as possible has his heart racing with stupid, stupid feelings. he closes his eyes and lets evan hug him for way longer than he should.

tommy doesn't get to speak to taylor until the next day — she's filming a yoga date with alan, which tommy's fellow producer describes as 'a total shit show'. when they sit down together the next morning, he doesn't waste any time, just tells her he knows about the article, and waits to see what she says. what she says, with a smile is, "i'm a reporter, tommy. i'm always working on articles. you'll have to be more specific." tommy frowns and tells her that evan is worried about her from a legal perspective. she scoffs and says, "he always does this. i'm a professional. i spoke with my editor, we spoke with our legal department. i'm not stupid. i thought about it before i did this." tommy can't help himself, bursts out, "did you think about him? he's heartbroken, taylor." "oh, he is not," she shoots back. "believe it or not, in spite of all your little late night chats, i know buck better than you do. he's embarrassed and he doesn't want to hear his family say 'i told you so' for the fifth time." tommy can tell that taylor's used to that tone taking her a long way, so he pushes down the spike of anxiety about late night chats and just raises his eyebrows. "god," she mutters. "fine. give me your phone, i'll talk to him." tommy's busting through a bunch of rules here in the interests of damage control, telling himself it's damage control for the show rather than for evan's heart. he puts his phone into taylor's outstretched hand and she dials, holding it up to her ear as she says, "a little privacy?"

tommy doesn't know what they talk about, but taylor looks a little subdued when she brings his phone out to him, and they make it through the rest of the show without incident. tommy tries to ask evan about it, but all he'll say is "we talked. we made some decisions. thank you for helping." tommy feels like he's going to vibrate out of his skin for the rest of the recording, and his heart is in his mouth when he watches their final filming. "we've decided to separate," taylor says. "we have different priorities," evan says. "we love each other, but we're not a good match anymore," taylor says. "there are other things we want to explore," evan says, and they have to reset and reshoot because taylor lets out an incredibly unladylike snort of laughter and evan gets the giggles. tommy doesn't think he understands these two at all.

two weeks after filming wraps, taylor's article drops. it actually could have been a lot worse, and tommy's never been so grateful that he's in a position to pick his jobs and to no longer have to work on things that make him feel as uncomfortable as some of the early roles he took on.

a day after that, he gets a message on his work phone from evan. can we meet? it says. i'd love to buy you a coffee. it's such a terrible idea, tommy knows that. he says yes anyway.

when they film the reunion episode a couple months later, taylor doesn't attend. (tommy knows for a fact that she was very deliberately not invited, because the higher ups are mad as hell about the article because even if it doesn't make allegations of misconduct, it does absolutely skewer the show as a whole, and what it says about the reality tv industry.) evan does attend, and tommy has to look away and bite his lip hard so he doesn't give the game away when evan says, "i'm good. i'm really good. i'm actually seeing someone new. i know it's fast, but i really like them. like, a lot. i can see it going the distance."

A few weeks later, he's looking for a birthday present for Ravi and so he pulls up Ravi's contact to look at his notes (Buck has notes for most of his contacts to remind him of their likes and dislikes and whatever other trivia he finds fascinating about them) and he'd noted that Ravi is into Dungeons & Dragons.

He goes back to the game store, on a mission this time, and peruses the aisles until Tommy is done with his current customer.

Tommy looks up when Buck approaches the counter. "Hi."

Buck gets distracted by the way Tommy's eye crinkle when he smiles that he nearly forgets to say it back. He clears his throat. "Uh, hi."

Tommy's smile softens then, which only accentuates the smile lines around his mouth. "Something I can help you find?"

"Uh yeah—yes. I'm looking, for a friend—"

Tommy's eyebrows shoot up.

Buck shakes his head and laughs. "I have a friend—I need to get them a birthday gift. He likes DnD?" He swears he knows how to have a conversation, but something about Tommy has thrown him off-kilter. Tommy at least doesn't seem put off by Buck's social ineptitude, or if he is he doesn't show it.

Tommy slowly nods. "Well, dice is always a safe bet." He gestures at the glass case that sits under the counter, full of dice of all shapes and sizes and colors. 

Buck steps closer to look and wow—Tommy's eyes are really blue this close up. He quickly looks away, before he's caught or does something insane like tell Tommy his eyes are pretty or ask if there are any dice in his shade of blue. "Oh, wow. I don't even know where to start."

Tommy patiently explains the different dice to Buck. "We do custom orders as well, with enough notice, if that's something you're interested in." He shows Buck an album with pictures of some of the custom orders they've done.

"So, you made these?"

"Yeah," Tommy says, obviously proud of his work which he should be. 

"No way, that's so cool. I wouldn't even know what to get—hey, do you have any with flames?"

"Yeah, we've got a few." 

He looks back up at Tommy and apparently loses any ability he ever had to be cool when he says, "do you have sex dice?"

Tommy's eyebrows raise and his lips part.

"Not for my friend, for me—" Buck says, like that's somehow better.

Tommy blinks. "Sex dice?"

"Yeah, you know, the ones that say stuff like suck—"

Tommy snorts. "I know what they are—”

Buck flushes. "Oh."

"And no, we don't." Tommy's smile is amused. "It's not that kind of game shop."

He ducks his head and laughs. "Right. Well"—he points to a fire engine red set with flames—"I'll just take those then."

Tommy rings him up and tells Buck he'll see him next time and Buck leaves with Ravi's present secured and at least some of his dignity intact.

Over the next couple months, Buck finds more excuses to visit Tommy's store: more birthdays, buying games for the firehouse, his jeep needs work again.

In between helping other customers, Tommy entertains Buck's questions and info dumps. Buck talks about firefighting and Tommy talks about his love of games.

Buck makes Tommy laugh and it feels even better than he imagined. 

One day in June, Buck goes to see Tommy without any pretense at all. It's quiet in the store—though he knows better than to say so—it's just him and Tommy, from the looks of it.

He walks to the counter and greets Tommy, who pushes a blank piece of paper and a pen towards him. 

"So, about those dice you asked for. If you tell me what you want, I can make them for you."

Buck's brow furrows as he tries to remember when he'd—oh. He'd forgotten and he wishes Tommy had too, though he supposes it was probably a pretty memorable experience. There's nothing teasing about Tommy's tone, only sincerity, and even if Buck never ends up using them, he doesn't want to turn down Tommy's offer. He taps the pen against the blank paper, suddenly forgetting any sex he's ever had or wanted to have. "I don't know—what do you think?"

Tommy raises an eyebrow. "You want me to tell you what should be on your sex dice?"

"I've never had them before, I don't know. Here"—he pulls his phone from his pocket and sets it on the counter—"I'll just look it up." Only, when he types sex into the search engine, his last search pops up. "Oh, um—"

"You know," Tommy says, voice low and deceptively casual, "if you want to know about sex with another man, I'm a lot more reliable than Google."

Buck's whole body flushes and he wishes for the earth to open up and swallow him, but he's not that lucky. "Oh, you…you're—"

Tommy chuckles. "Yes, Evan, I'm gay."

Buck nods. "That's good—uh, good to know."

Tommy hums. "Tell you what"—he grabs a business card from the holder atop the counter—"when you know what you want, send me the list." He hands Buck the card, a number scribbled on it in black ink.

"This is your personal number?"

"Yeah, in case I'm not the one here when you call. I don't think Lucy would appreciate it." Tommy's gaze sweeps over Buck, appraising him. "I mean, you're definitely her type, but I think she'd at least want you to buy her dinner first."

Buck tilts his head. "And what about you—"

The bell above the shop's door jingles as two customers walk in. 

A small smile curves one corner of Tommy's lips. "Let me know when you figure it out." 

"O-okay."

"I'll see you around, Evan." He raps his knuckles on the counter, then walks around it to greet the other customers.

Buck doesn't figure it out that day or the next.

The rest of June passes without another visit to the store; without calling or texting Tommy.

Buck stops in the store the first week of July. Tommy's at the counter ringing up a customer, but he looks up when Buck walks through the door. They exchange polite smiles and waves.

It's only been a month since Buck's seen him, so of course he hasn't changed.

But Buck has.

At least, he feels like he has.

He walks up to the counter. Tries to discreetly wipe his sweaty palms on his jeans.

Tommy eyes him, almost wearily if Buck's not reading into things. "I never heard from you."

Buck rubs the back of his neck. "Ah, yeah"—he'd rehearsed this moment, but he still stutters when he says"—I, uh, found this kit online to make dice? It took a few tries, but I think I actually did a pretty good job." He pulls the dice from his hoodie pocket and sets them on the counter.

Tommy doesn't bother looking. His lips flatten into a straight line. "Ah. I guess you're all set then—you've got everything you need?" 

Buck can't make his tongue work, can't shape his mouth around the right words—isn't even sure what the right words are now, this isn't at all what he'd rehearsed. 

Tommy walks away from the counter, towards the back room before Buck can even ask what just happened. 

A minute later, a blonde woman walks out of the back room. "Anything you need help with?"

Buck's brow furrows. "I guess not. You must be Lucy?"

"Guilty. And you must be Evan."

"Oh, uh yeah—most people call me Buck."

Lucy raises an eyebrow. "Most people, huh?" She cuts a glance at the back room. When Buck picks the dice up, she notices. "What ya got there?"

"Oh, uh, just some dice I made—"

"No kidding."

"For Tommy."

Lucy gives him a pitying look. "Do you want me to give them to him?"

Buck sighs. "Might as well. I don't have any use for them." He sets them back down and without overthinking it, grabs a business card, writes his phone number on the back of it, and slides it under the dice. "Thanks, Lucy. It was nice meeting you."

"You too, Buck."

When the bell over the door stops jingling, Lucy yells, "you can come out now, you big coward."

Tommy slinks out of the back room. "I can fire you, you know."

Lucy sticks her tongue out. "Your life would suck without me, Kinard."

He purses his lips. "What did you and Evan talk about?"

"Evan? Oh, you mean your lover boy?" She grins. "He left you a present."

Tommy rolls his eyes, but he accepts the proffered dice anyway. It's not what he expected. "Oh." He turns one of the six-sided die over and over, one word etched into each side. "Am I crazy or does this say will you go out with me?"

Lucy snatches the die and looks it over. "Oh, Tommy. It's obviously go out with me you will." 

Tommy pinches the bridge of his nose. "I hate you."

"Oh, c'mon, that was a great impression."

"That—I don't even know what that was."

Lucy laughs. "Oh, he also left this." She hands Tommy the business card. "So…"

"So, what?"

"Will you go out with him?"

It's been a while since Buck's been on a first date. It's been even longer since he'd felt as nervous as he had about a date. He'd been worried he wouldn't know how to be on a date with a man, but he really hadn't needed to worry, this was Tommy after all.

Talking to Tommy is still easy, comfortable; they still make each other laugh. 

Only now, they let their gazes and touches linger. Now, Buck understands what he wanted from the moment he saw Tommy.

After they've finished their dinner, and Buck's looking at the dessert menu, Tommy tells him that he has something for him.

Buck blushes. "Oh, I didn't get you anything—"

Tommy smiles, lips pursed together like he's trying not to laugh. "I didn't expect you to, Evan." Then he sets a small, wooden box on the table between them. 

Buck picks it up and opens it. Inside the velvet lined box are several light blue dice. "Did you make these for me?"

"I did."

Each side has a word or phrase and Buck turns them over to take a look. "Oh." He looks up and meets Tommy's eye. "I think maybe we should skip dessert."

Tommy smirks. "You're adorable, but I've been dreaming of this chocolate cake for a week."

"Hmm. Well, I"—Buck takes two dice out of the box and sets them on the table—"have been dreaming of that for months."

Tommy looks at the dice, throat bobbing as he swallows. "I suppose we could get it to go."

Buck grins. 

Tommy shakes his head. "I knew you'd be trouble."

"Good trouble, I hope?"