Terrors & Tales

I'm so fucking tired this morning. I can feel the heaviness weighing down my eyelids.

I've already had a cup of coffee. Maybe I need another to keep me from wanting to hole up in the single bathroom and take a 15-minute snooze.

Once upon a time, that was my life. Snoozing here and there to make up for lost hours of a lost woman roaming the lonely streets of NYC.

Now, I'm tired from long nights of dancing, chatting with my love into the wee hours of dawn, and needing more than 24 hours to bounce back to myself.

I also feel my pre-period pains coming for me. Tight spasms in my womb, constricting, and fighting to expel gasesous fumes.

A smile here and there. Barely touches the dark maghonay pools of my dull eyes.

Why are we stuck in this bullshit day to day chaos.

People are being bombed, raped, wiped from the earth, and we sit in silence behind our tiny phone screens mourning the loss of a world that isn't our own.

I became unplugged. Aware of the atrocities that are outside of myself, but I feel hopeless.

What am I to do about the world outside of me?

How do I keep getting up every day to trudge outside of the safety of my home to come to a place that needs me to send countless emails, re-stock, stock, re-stock, clean, wipe down, manage calendars, etc.

We're in a mindless cathartic hypnosis.

Those of us who are awake lie in the in-between. Knowing, but unknowing of what to do, what to engage in. The perpetual, maddening hopelessness gnaws at the frayed memories of my past.

Blurred memories, scavenged by trauma and dumped into the ether of dying thoughts.

I want to awaken to a world that means more than me typing away on a lifeless keyboard.

Screens, screens, screens, everywhere I turn.

Billboards, news, sex, lust, and distractions from what we're made of at the core.

Love.

Desensitized by the chunks of human flesh that fly high in the night skies. Children's screams, women's cries, the dead lie amongst us unavenged.

Lifeless, scattered blood-dust, echoed cries that make it's way to our tiny plastic phones, but not into our hearts. Once captured by the nets of technology, lost to the world of feeling and humanized empathy.

We're lost. Asleep. Scared.

Fearful of what comes next? Fearful of knowing. Fearful of awakening to the depths of hell that await our every turn.

Humans bleed the same sanguinary liquid from the very veins that can be found in the smallest of leaves, the roots of trees, and the sap of honey's moist bosom.

Yeild in the name of the Lord? Who, God, where are you?

Is God a fabrication of our trauma?

A being made to become bigger than the Universe itself.

God, can you hear us?

Why must we suffer?

Free will to those that cannot be oppressed, but those who fall beneath the heel of man who must come first must suffer at the hands of the master.

Master of what?

Distruction, rage, war, and greed.

God, can you hear the children yelling, pleading, and crying for help?

God, can you see the children who have been buried by the bombs and crumbling rubble of cities that once stood tall?

God, can you hear the eradication of those who need you the most?

Free will comes at a cost.

The cost of lives that don't match those who have the power.

Power is for whom to claim?

The rich, the poor, black, white, capitalist, fascist, orange-rind puppet who stomps his callous feet, and the wretched tone deaf fools who think they will be saved by the hands of the rich.

Fools, we all are, fools to think we are not one collective breath.

One collective flesh, humankind. One in all. All in one.

Ego spares no life.

Ego engulfs us in a raged typhoon of wrath.

We will all burn.

We will all yearn for peace.

We will all be touched by the hell these people are facing.

We are all to blame for the mindless and complicit behaviors that are killing us slowly.

Lord knows we need help.

God, can you hear me?

I'm lost.

You've carried me many times, but God, why not the children who wail for their disfigured mothers?

What am I to do?

What are we to do?

Am I plugged in?

Or have I severed the ties to the host that is dangling me from the ether?

Will the consciousness develop into the awareness I need to escape this simulation?

This can't be real.

Am I who I am?

Are we who we are?

Are we specks of light traveling and hopping from planet to planet?

Being to being.

Will I come back to this world after I take my final breath?

Will I want to come back?

Do I have free will to decline a life that observes the suffering of others?

Is there such thing as free will, or are we all living illusions choosing the better of a few evils?

Welp, I'm awake.

Tensed jaw, rapid thoughts, numb fingers, mind scattered to the winds.

I suppose now is the time for me to turn my sights back to the tasks of today and leave the worries of the world to rest in the crevices of my shoulder blades.

Another coffee perhaps will do the trick?

Another meaningless conversation about the weather or how short the weekends are to keep the time ticking?

Perhaps I'll get lunch earlier today.

Perhaps I'll fantasize about walking out of this office for the last time.

Oh, but those "golden handcuffs," luxuriously padded and taut against my already bruised wrists.

I need these handcuffs to have the life that I've worked so hard to obtain.

Oh, but don't be a sheep, they say.

Who is they? The very own who say "Do say I say, and not as I do"

Oh, but how could I not, when the paychecks are needed to build the life we're striving to grasp and hold onto for a little while longer?

How lucky am I to be behind this monitor?

Free-writing the truth that comes from within.

How lucky am I to not wake up to bombs, rotting flesh, and screams of people being eradicated from the very earth we all call home?

How lucky am I to be awake and stuck within the in-between of simulation and "life"?

How lucky am I to feel the hopelessness and weight of responsibility to know anything outside of my being and social circles?

How lucky am I to be a black woman, "free" from a life of servitude and harsh realities.

Lord, where are you? Are you within my soul?

Are you whispering these thoughts into my head?

Are you speaking through me?

Are you there?

Who is within me?

My concisouness? All the me's that I am, who I once was, who I am yet to be?

How many lives have I lived within myself, and how many will I continue to experience?

I suppose I should begin my work day now.

I suppose I should shut off my brain and slip back into the mindless task chatter that is needed to hang from the "golden handcuffs" that separate me from a lesser way of life and the life that I have.

I suppose this is all I have to say at the moment.

I feel the conciseness slipping away.

I feel it falling from my fingertips.

I feel the clouds moving behind my eyes.

I see the tasks set forth for the day and the awareness packaging away into the small part of my brain that contains such thoughts.

I am lost within the programming of this game.

The game of "life", folks.

The game of blinded brain fog.

God, where are you?

Are you there?

Am I really here?

God, why must they suffer?

Why aren't we enraged and doing something to help the very flesh that is our own?

I have nothing more but exhausted fumes.

Coals and embers of extinguished fires.

I am but steam rising to the heavens.

Dissipated and dissolved by the barrier that keeps us here.

Bound by earth, plugged in by "them", rotting behind screens.

I got emotional.

I am emotional and dramatic.

But...

I got emotional today while folding baby onesies.

All these thoughts started to fill my mind one by one, fold by fold, 6 months, 12 months, 18 months, and 24 months.

I put them all into different piles.

Imagining the children that these would be gifted to on behalf of my company.

The little note cards I've already handwritten for babies I'll never know or meet.

By the fifth onesie, my heart fluttered.

What if this is the most I'll ever fold baby clothes?

What if I don't want the privilege of folding clean onesies?

What if I don't get the chance to smell that heavenly baby scent and snuggle a tiny human made from me?

What if I never want that?

What if I never want them?

What if I can't have them?

Would that hurt my heart?

Is it even about me?

I'm a 29-year-old woman with a job, bills, depression, and many woes.

I'm a growing girl who has the safety to explore parts of my childhood within myself right now.

What if the man I'm with now doesn't want to spend forever with me?

What if he doesn't want to become a father?

We've spoken about this many times over and over.

"I'm not there yet."

Weeks after this conversation those four words still echo lightly in my jumbled mind.

Two of our good friends shared their engagement news with us yesterday evening!

Oh, the excitement and love poured from my soul to congratulate them.

Only then met with the bitter, sad, resentment of, "When will it be my turn, our turn?"

How much longer do I need to wait?

Will I even want to be asked?

Do I want to be married?

I don't know anymore.

What does marriage mean to me?

What could marriage mean to me?

What could marriage mean to us?

Because you can still be a product of abandonment in a marriage.

I've learned that from my folks...

Till death do us part.

What a load of crap.

For some...

How about a commitment that says, "I will always love you, even when it's hard, even when I think that I can't, even when you change, even when I change. I will be by your side, not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, and adoringly."

How about a commitment that says, "Even when I abandon myself, which I will from time to time, please give me space to come back to myself, and in turn, I will come back for you - to you."

How about a commitment that says, "I don't know what the future will hold for us, for me, for you, but let's go on the wildest ride one can take and live freely."

Whenever he leaves for a trip my body and mind go into overdrive. I'm preparing for him to not come home.

I'm preparing myself to be disappointed, left behind, and forgotten.

I've never made it to the 3-year mark with anyone, except for both of my furbabies.

Month by month we inch closer and closer to that time.

What happens when we make it there?

We keep going.

What if he doesn't want to keep going?

What if I don't want to keep going?

What if this is it?

If I could freeze this moment in time would I be happy?

No, because that isn't living, but yes because we have a good life.

We have love, understanding, and gratitude.

Does he think about this?

About our future?

Does he think about what could be and what isn't?

Does he feel so comfortable in what we have now that he doesn't want more?

Am I comfortable with what we have now and not wanting more?

What the hell do I want?

How the fuck am I supposed to know when nothing makes sense?

We're all living in this fucked up world.

People are dying at the hands of selfish, greedy, evil individuals.

How do you keep the peace within your world without losing touch with the world outside of you?

Is it selfish to have children in a world that has been falling apart well before you were thought of?

What's the point of working every day to then die?

Working every day to get a few weeks off each year and barely enjoy any of it?

Why do I feel so tired and lazy all of the time?

I'd rather be frolicking and lying in fields of soft grasses.

Cloudwatching and wishing on stars.

But that ain't the life I'm living and unless I sell my soul to this corporate bullshit I'll be in the same rat race with the other mindless souls trying to find our "purpose."

Why do I need to have a purpose?

Why is it so expensive to live?

How can I even think about bringing another human being into this world when I don't know what the fuck I'm going to be doing within the next few months?

I never imagined myself getting to this point in my life.

How the hell could I if this is my first time living?

Adult life seems to be an endless list of tasks that need to be done to feel fulfilled and productive.

Sometimes I envy my brother.

He gave up on himself and his life years ago.

He gave up on the social norm of working hard, paying bills, and paying your dues to live as a functional human being.

He said fuck this!

He's lazy, manipulative, and outside of himself.

So much so that it makes me question if he's truly living life to his fullest.

Like is his life hard?

Maybe, but who knows?

He's so used to people bending to help him, bail him out of his troubles, pity, and baby him back to a place where he can survive.

It's so annoying.

Maybe I should see a therapist again?

Maybe I should become a therapist?

Maybe I should pay off all of my debt, save up, and move to some bumble fuck place and live off of food I plant in my garden.

I mean I will pay off my debt this year!

That was my goal - to be debt-free before I reach 30 years on this earth.

It will happen!

It is happening!

After that, I don't fucking know.

Because that's a HUGE accomplishment!

One that could be avoided, but here we are!

Your 20s are for trudging through the teens of your adult life.

Making mistakes, learning from them, blah blah blah

The late 20s are like "Ahh haa, none of this shit fucking matters."

We're all fucked up, sad, depressed, insecure, filled with all the feelings.

Your 20s are for unlearning years of childhood trauma, and relationship trauma, and facing and accepting your red flags.

I will forever be learning about myself and the world around me.

That's my duty to myself and the people who come into contact with me.

Lately, I've been feeling guilty about how I represented myself in my past relationships, those friendships, and that life that I was living.

I was hurt, so hurt, running constantly from myself and the world I wanted to escape.

I became the villain and crazy loon in that story.

Now, I'm trying to accept that part and move on with as much grace, knowledge, and willingness to correct my choices.

This is the 3rd long-term relationship I've been in.

3 different shades of me.

3 different loves and 2 different chaos'.

3 sets of families and friends.

2 heartbreaks.

2 losses of family and friends.

Many moves, apartments, re-homing, re-starting.

I don't want to lose this lover, this family, these friends.

Honestly, I don't want another heartbreak and to start over again.

Am I settling because of my fear of starting over?

Am I settling?

When the dust settles from the newness of a relationship and you're in the thick of normalcy it can feel colorless.

Hues of greys, whites, charcoals, and blacks are still colorful.

They're steady, they're grounding, they make up everything around us.

Help to create vibrant hues that will fade over time into those greys, whites, charcoals, and blacks.

They cycle, recycle, cycle, recycle, over and over and over again.

Am I settling?

Yes, I am in certain ways.

I waited.

I waited for a little while longer than I normally would to start over.

I took time to reflect on my poor choices of men, women, and all of the above.

I prayed to the Universe for a kind man.

The Universe provided and when he came I wasn't ready.

I settled for the unhealed version of myself.

Battered, bruised, and tired.

Did I settle for him?

No, because what I admired most about him was the authenticity and calmness that surrounded his personhood.

His existence motivated me to become a whole person, a healed person, a person who can accept their downfalls.

With him, I am a much better person.

I have the space to heal and grow, thorns and all.

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I didn't see it for myself until now.

Until years later.

I hit way below the belt.

A final blow.

Knowingly, I hit below so he wouldn't come back, ever.

I am sorry for the choices I made at the very end.

I am sorry for hurting you deeply.

I am sorry for not protecting your heart even after all was said and done.

I'm not proud of myself.

I never want to hurt someone like that ever again.

I am sorry that I couldn't say those words to you, but you were already far gone.

You had left me well before you did.

So all I can do now is move forward, forgive myself, forgive you, and carry on in a healthy manner that won't swing below the belt.

I'm healing.

I'm learning.

I'm taking accountability for my actions, thoughts, and doings.

I don't know where to end this...

Or rather how to end this...

These jumbled thoughts that are leaving my brain, traveling through my bony fingers, typing away on the clock at work...

This isn't the end by far, but rather a pause in the road that is my life.

I don’t dream of you often, but when I do, I feel as if you’re preparing me for something. Why did this time feel like a goodbye? Why do I feel like I won’t see you for a while? If not, ever again?

My mom and I drove for miles to reach this church on the side of a dark highway. It was a cold winter evening. Snow was piled up in the parking lot. Grey muddy slush covered the asphalt. I couldn’t place exactly how I was feeling, but I felt like I was preparing to walk into a funeral… We walked through these double doors into the dark church and passed by a great hall where mass was being held. Glowing of candlelight, maybe a midnight mass was being held. I walked down a narrow corridor that resembled our sleeping quarters at school. Each door I passed was open and warmly lit by one single candle.

As I’m writing this at this very moment, I’m remembering each fine detail, but as cold water splashed on one’s face to wake them I’m realizing this was your life celebration.

I’m seeing visions of the moment the people you loved so dearly said their goodbyes to you.

I remember walking into a room. Except it wasn’t a room, but a doorway into an outdoor space. The door frame resembled the outline of a room, a portal into a new Universe, but once I stepped through the world, it shifted into a place that I’d never seen before. Flashbacks to another time filled the space. Years before now. People were dressed in black. Some were celebrating different occasions. Life was moving on within this world. So many moments happening within this space. People I haven’t physically seen in ages whom I know have married, had kids, and entered different phases of their lives were scattered amongst the green pastures. It was all happening here. Life. I was sitting atop a grassy hill, cross-legged, or maybe with my knees to my chest. My head rested calmly on my crossed arms, which were gently hugging my knees. Taking it all in with each breath. Swaying side to side, witnessing all these private events that had dropped into this Universe. Your Universe. All these ephemeral snippets of life simultaneously pass us by. The people in these core memories couldn’t see what you and I were seeing.

You were visiting each loved one. Immersed in their realities. They couldn’t see you at all, but you were there spiritually. Holding them when they needed it most. Celebrating and cheering them on when warranted. Experiencing life amongst them as a ghost, a spiritual guide, giving all your love to each person you’ve loved so dearly. Life was moving on… without you physically, but you remained… moving between moments to share joy, laughter, sadness, and all that needed to be felt and held in those snippets of time.

As you moved from moment to moment, person to person, you started to fade. You looked tired. Your somber expression weighed upon your once jovial spirit. You looked like you aged… or what I imagined you to look at the age of 28…

It’s been nearly 6 years since we lost you. Since your last living breath escaped your once-smiling lips. You made a choice that broke our hearts and left us confused, afraid, and so incredibly sad. I’m reminded of your bravery and your wonderful smile. I can no longer hear your voice. When I close my eyes, I just see your smile and I hear the waves of those old Navy days.

I remember wanting to be swept away by the current. To dissolve into the tears of the Earth. I was too afraid to step into an unknown fate, so permanent. I was too afraid to leave behind the people I loved. I was so incredibly low. Screaming for help, but those screams couldn’t escape my lips. The cold night swallowed me. The stars shined brightly upon my tear-streaked face. I wanted an out of this life. From the stress and disappointment I felt, I couldn’t bear it. You, along with a few people, pulled me out of that darkness. I’d love to believe that even now you’ve helped to place beautiful people in my life who have recognized my darkness and helped to keep me tethered to the present moments of my life. Even in your waking days, you never knew of that night. Those nights, I drifted closer and closer to the shores of permanency. I knew you could feel my pain. You’d listen to me for hours. Make me smile and laugh. You truly were the sun to a lot of my darker days, and I never got the chance to properly thank you for our friendship. It didn’t hit me until a few days after hearing about your passing. I knew I had lost pieces of you along the way when our journeys went separate ways. Physically, you are gone, but we remain connected in different realms. Tethered together spiritually.

You exist in the ether. Supporting, loving, and caring for us all. Walking alongside us on our journeys. I want to say that I knew you felt my presence… Of course, you did. You brought me here. For a reason…

You allowed me to witness you being a part of all these precious moments. I sat patiently and watched in awe. Mystified by your grace.

Eventually, you made your way towards me. You walked up the mossy hill, and our eyes locked. I didn’t notice myself standing up and being pushed toward the door. You were lifting me and moving me with your gaze. Effortlessly, my body was being pulled back into my world and further from yours, from you. The gravity of my Universe pulling me back into my person, my soul. You couldn’t speak. You haven’t spoken to me in years. I haven’t heard your voice in so long, but your eyes, your eyes said it all… Tears fell from your sad eyes. You were pushing me out of your world, and I wanted to stay with you a little while longer, but I didn’t belong here. I begged you to stay with me for a moment more. We stood face to face. Our eyes never broke contact, and within the depths of your brown eyes, I saw our pain. Melodically intertwined. Blending within our worlds. I felt your loss all over again. Washing over me, between us, around our spirits. I was crying and asking you not to go. I hugged you, but it didn’t feel like I was holding you at all. I couldn’t feel you within my embrace. You didn’t feel human. I don’t know how to explain it exactly. I knew I was hugging and clinging to something that I needed to let go of. Something both foreign and familiar. Heavy and fleeting. Dispiriting eyes gazing into my tearful brown pools of sadness. My spirit was beyond the doorway. Taking in this moment. Seeing our embrace, us holding onto each other within the doorway of our Universes’. Time stood still, but only for a second, and as quickly as you came, you vanished within my grasp… The glimpse within your world melted away. Slowly dissipating before my eyes. All that was left was a dark room. Empty and hollow… I turned away, fresh tears falling from my dull eyes. I walked through the lonely, narrow hall, stepping within my reality. Peering into the once warmly lit rooms, and I saw our friends in pain. Hunched over in agony because of your loss. I kept walking until I passed the great hall. Stepped through the double doors of the church out into the frigid cold. My mom reappeared on the steps. Waiting for me. I was crying uncontrollably. Frantically searching for my car keys. Once I found them, I slid into the driver’s seat and wept. All my fears, disappointments, and traumas fell out of me. My shaky hands couldn’t start the car. My mom didn’t understand at all. She had not witnessed our moment. My moments of despair. She became frustrated and made me switch seats with her. I was in no condition to drive. I got out of the car and made my way to the passenger side. The air was cold. Each inhalation burned my lungs. The sky was as black as the hallowed room you once occupied. All was still, quiet and unbothered. I opened the passenger door. Climbed into the seat, took a deep breath, and woke from this dream. My sheets were pooled with sweat. My mind was disoriented… My body was exhausted from the trip… When my eyes opened all, I could see or wanted to see was your face.

The alarm rang… Time to get up… Time to keep living…

Is today the day I choose to wake up? 

Are the little bursts of joy and sunshine worth living for? 

Am I truly living?

Would I jump from the tallest heights to escape the depression that is slowly killing me? 

Do I want to live? What does it mean to live?

Why are we afraid of death? 

Am I attracted to the permanency of silence? 

Is death the permanency of silence?

The darkness is outweighing my faith.

I'm so tired of battling myself and my thoughts.

Am I awake? Do I want to wake up?

Do I want to be here anymore? 

Where is here? 

I'm the wall between myself. 

My anxiety is hindering my ability to jump and have faith.

My mind is constantly buzzing and in motion. 

The hardest part about becoming spiritually awakened and aware of my being, feelings, and energy is not being able to ignore them the way I used to.

I feel this uncomfortable flood of emotions that I must face.

I promised myself to see myself always.

I am the mirror of my darkness, joys, achievements, traumas, and pain. 

Last week I was bruised... 

I ran into a turnstile, trying to catch the train. I was rushing to get from one place to the next so I could avoid having to sit with the awareness. 

Oh, but it came...

Immediately, I knew I would bruise. 

I never used to know this about myself until him, of course, but part of me was relieved. 

To see the bruise forming. 

To feel the aching pain when I'd press gently on the raised skin. 

The physical pain was a distraction from the emotional pain I'm drowning in.

I miss the bruises some days...

It's a tangible pain that has an explanation. 

You see... When the blows would come, the bruises would shortly follow... 

A chain reaction of miscommunication, arguing, and anger, followed by his hands breaking the silent emotional prison that held me tongue-tied, lips sealed, and voice paralyzed. 

Once he'd tire and his hands would fall flat, the world would fall silent. 

Heavy breathing would cease.

Shrieking cries would turn into shallow breaths.

Bloody hands would be washed of evidence.

The pain would subside eventually.

I looked forward to the bruises...

I loved watching them form day after day. 

Darken, spread, and expose the survival of the past trauma.

I'm conflicted about these thoughts and feelings.

For the last five years, I've clung to these feelings.

I could endure the physical pain any day because it only lasted for a moment. 

Eventually, the bruise would fade away.

I'd be left with deeper emotional wounds. 

They will never cease to exist. 

They are painted all over my heart. 

Etched into the depths of my subconscious mind.

I am but a reflection of shattered mosaics being glued back together by love and faith, but broken constantly by self-doubt, fear, and anxiety. 

What's the cure for the invisible scars that bleed daily?

My anxiety and trauma feel like incurable diseases. They're dormant to the public eye, but thrashing around inside of my head and my chest from the moment my eyes open to when I fall asleep. 

I'm constantly battling myself to be presentable and outward facing. 

Sometimes, the brightest people cast the darkest shadows.

I don't always know how to articulate my darkness in my waking life, but here in this world, my words bleed into the ether and paint the terrors I desire to leave behind. 

"I want to protect you, Mae, but also let you figure things out in a way we all do because we all deserve that" 

Oh my sweet Sunflower, if only you could help me to protect me from me...

I must stand tall and face the mes that make me, me

I see your efforts, and I deeply appreciate you and your willingness to see me and want to protect me. I haven't had a partner say this to me before. No man outside of my dad. So thank you. Truly, I thank you. 

You challenge me to be brave enough to explore new realms. You've been a great part of my healing. 

Our love is the most powerful, free, expressive, and pure love I have ever witnessed and felt in my life. You understand and see me more than most people do, and even when you don't, you always surround me with gentleness, grace, and warm hugs. 

I love you more than any words could express. It's deeply rooted within my soul. 

I've shown parts of myself to you that I wasn't aware of showing or sharing. 

Parts of me that I didn't want to share right away, but because of the person you are, I can't hide no matter how hard I try. 

I'm pulled to your calming nature. I'm safe with you.

With safety comes the avalanche.

Now, all of these things are falling out of me uncontrollably and without warning.

My vulnerability is my greatest strength, but my kryptonite. 

I'm terrified to be abandoned and loved less. 

Yet you remain. 

I want to be able to share this part of me with you. 

As strong as I am, I struggle daily. 

I don't want you to wake up one day down the road and say that I didn't show you all of who I am.

Even if I'm afraid to show you. 

I've accepted my darkness and all that comes with it. 

One day, you'll have to decide if you accept all that I am.

Choosing to love is beautiful, but choosing to accept one for all the things that make them who they are is challenging and admirable. 

I don't want to hide any part of me. 

I've never hidden myself from you. 

I've reserved parts of me for different times in our journey. 

As painful as it can be to see myself in these shades of sadness, I love every part of my being.

I can not expect to receive grace, understanding, patience, and love from others - you, if I don't extend it to myself first.

The day will come when we decide to fully commit to a life with each other and our future. 

You deserve to know exactly what you're walking into at the time of your choosing.

I'm still growing and learning.

I'm evolving each day, and change will come and go over the years as we age. 

I trust myself to place my heart, my fears, and my unknowns within your hands.

I trust you.

In return, I hope to see as much of you as you'll let me. So I, too, can have the same opportunity to choose you over and over again.

I can't control my love for you. 

It's completely out of my hands. 

Our love is so free and has no bounds. 

It's infinite and flows effortlessly.

That's what scares me. 

A free, healthy, ever flowing love. 

One I'm experiencing for the first time. 

I know you'll protect me if I need it. 

He is the father I needed. My protector. 

The partner I've longed and prayed for. My Sunflower. 

The friend I never knew could exist in this way. My person.

I have big feelings. So many of them take up space in my heart and mind. They consume me from the inside out. When I look at you, they melt away slowly. When I cry out, unload, and worry myself into oblivion you listen calmly. You let me exist in the chaos because you know it’ll pass. You don’t always understand and know how to react, but you’re always here. That’s what means the most to me. Your presence. Your hand on my back. Rubbing away the anxiety. Your fingers getting lost in my curly hair and scratching away all the excess energy I don’t need. You help to soften my anxiety.

Meanwhile, I need to be better about hearing you too. Especially when you say no or don’t want to do something. I was triggered last night, well before you came to pick me up. My past has been playing footsies with my present, and yesterday I was feeling the weight of my fears. You were exhausted and just wanted to be back home. I appreciate you walking those fifteen minutes to get me. I didn’t want to be alone. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of someone taking me; of him taking me. Your presence calms me. Holds me steady and brings me peace. We were in two different bubbles last night. I was eager to fall into the safety of your presence and you were eager to get us back home quickly. I wanted to bring you inside to share you with everyone and you wanted to make a quick u-turn. In hindsight, I see where I missed the mark, and I apologize for not seeing your reality. I was so consumed in my own undoing that I didn’t empathize with your feelings. I ignored your request to leave because I was so excited to see you and, in some way, wanted to show you off to our friends. I was so thankful that you came to get me, and I explained the importance of your presence to the group. I also didn’t want to leave you outside because it was a bit nippily out, but I forgot you’re a Northman. The cold runs in your veins. You live for chilly spring evenings. So naturally, you became impatient and reacted with exhaustion.

“You’re so annoying.”

When you said these words, it truly hurt my heart. At that moment I felt like I became a burden to you. I was taken back to a different me. I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. So, I fell into silence, and you let me be. You walked me to my favorite shop to buy food. You remained by my side and protected me on our walk home. You let me be so I could sit in my thoughts. Once we got home, I sat quietly. Consumed by this internal fight I was trying to win against my past self. Within that silence, I had some things I needed to sort through. At some point, I wanted to lash out and make you feel as badly as I felt. I knew that wasn’t how I wanted to be with you. So, I chose to remain silent. I knew I had grown from those past traits, but I felt ashamed for thinking about it.

Throughout the night I felt so guilty for my silence. Ashamed of what I thought was weakness. Meanwhile, your subtle touches reassured me and brought me back to reality. You never forced me to speak, but you remained by my side, all night. Tossing and turning I searched for you in my sleep. Waking to make sure you were still there. Feeling reassured that you remained close to me, and by the time the sun rose I was in your arms. Cuddling and needing your touch. I felt so silly for not holding you last night, but I realized in those moments you knew what I needed. You knew I needed space to work through this trigger. You didn’t know I was triggered, but you felt what I couldn’t articulate. You remained patient and kind.

This morning, we woke up together and started our morning routines. I turned to you and told you how I was feeling and that my feelings were hurt. Within those busy moments, you paused and looked me in the eyes. You apologized for how you communicated with me but explained why you felt the way you did. It was the most tender moment. I appreciated your grace and our safety within each other. We both admitted our feelings and extended our understanding toward one another. I’m sorry I didn’t empathize with your reality, honey. I’m sorry it took me a bit to realize it.

Now that I’ve had time to process these feelings and feel your reassurance, I’ve come to understand the deeply rooted wound that still aches. I’m afraid to be abandoned. I’m terrified of not being worthy of love, patience, or grace. By the grace of God, The Universe, Angels, and Guides you have been placed in my life. You see me. All of me. The darkest shades of my sadness and grief. You love me through it all, and we may not understand why we feel the way we do, but we listen to each other.

Love isn’t enough. I say this often because I’ve been a product of discarded love.

This right here… You showing up, extending your grace, patience, kindness, and friendship surpass the superficial façade of “love conquers all.” Love is the start, but the foundation we have built will carry us through a lifetime; God willing. I’m deeply appreciative of you. Your generous heart and willingness to meet me where I am presently. Thank you for seeing past my huge personality, wild curly fro, and bright smile. I know you appreciate those things, but I know I can’t hide from you, nor can you hide from me. You see through all the surface-level fluff and gaze deeply into my soul. You’ve settled into the softness of me. You help to heal the parts of me I’ve hidden from and struggled with for years. I know I’ll continue to struggle and heal, but I feel like I no longer need to feel alone. Even when I’m scared I know deep within that my soul, my spirit, my mind, and my heart are safe within your presence.

I cried to the heavens while I broke down in tears within your embrace

I see you

I feel you

Every breath you take I sense your heaviness

A heaviness that has clouded our sunflower fields for months

I welcome all shades of your darkness

Show yourself to me

Allow me to dive deep within your being

You are on a journey of self love

You stand between the shadow of yourself

Both present and future

"I'm sorry, Mae. I'm so sorry. Why do I do this?"

Why do you do this? Why do you continue to hurt me and swell my heart?

Why do I know better? Why do I give you chance after to chance to grow?

Why do your lips speak truths and suckle the pain from my source

Your eyes being the window to your soul, but your mouth being the master of my butterflies

My body aches for your touch

My spirit craves your awareness

My sighs tremble for your hands

My anxiousness searches for your warm arms to envelope me

My sweetest spot yearns for your gentle and swift flicks of your tongue

I blossom for you

And yet, my bleeding heart oozes from self-deprecation

My wounds freshly healed, but still tender to the touch

A man that stands before me isolating himself from his own love and confused of what to do with mine

My love cascades around him

Flows amongst his rigid, anxious, stoned heart

Are you afraid of my love? Are you afraid to love yourself?

Are you afraid that I am the mirror of your shame? The parts you wish not to see? To heal?

Do you feel confident in your decision to fight for us?

"This is wrong. This doesn't feel like it should be the end?"

Earn me, love me, each day... cherish me...

I'm worthy of everything I've asked of you and more

Love me and I will give you the world

I will surrender my heart to you

I will submit to your peace

I will submit to your love

"I do, and the driving force is because I love you and it’s a love I want to break some habits for and find myself in us…and I also woke up to some things and I will not continue to drag you through what I have been through. I’ll be honest to both of us if I’m not feeling right or confident"

I love you so much

I love you deeply, and I see you

I appreciate your honesty, and I always welcome it

Even if it's not what I want to hear

We reached a new level of depth in our relationship

We both were stripped of ego and held each other in raw form

I held you

As your soul contracted within your heavy tears

My bosom becoming the resting place for your cowardice

I comforted you

My long fingers caressed your back, sweetly cupped your bearded face, and my sorrwed eyes searched for hope

For any sign of fight within your glossy gaze

I loved you as you broke my heart

As my heart arrested, fluttered, and paused, I held yours in the palm of my hands and nursed it with my tears

You're taking pieces of me

Pieces you don't deserve

Pieces you've stolen that I've newly found

Your lack of action and your absence is the ragged splinter that pierces the scar tissue that has been trying to heal from years of trauma and neglect

Do you see me as I see you?

Do you love me as I love you?

I bleed for you

Do you bleed for me?

I bleed for us

Do you bleed for us?

I want to be close to you and love you

Do you wish the same?

I'm scared to trust that you can handle my magnitude of self love, confidence, and power

I'm scared that you're buying yourself more time to walk away

Are you more comfortable having me in your life so you can ignore being alone in your discomfort?

Am I a distraction to your waking life?

Am I a distraction to your journey towards self-love and peace?

I'm scared

I'm scared of my insecurities

I'm scared of my doubts

I'm really scared

Terrified to remain within your hands

Because I've fallen

So far from the truffla trees that held me safe and protected from extraordinary love

Though I've suffered at the absence of your present self

I trust in your honesty

I trust your love for me, for us

Above all I trust in my instinct

I trust the growth, love, and strength I have for myself

I trust to celebrate your actions and not only rely on your words

All in all...

I really hope it's you

My heart wants it to be you

The one...

Love me or leave me be

Love me or set me free

The past is a ripple of the casted stone

Reverberating through each new step I take

Pain has faded to dust

Your presence fill these barren spaces

Your warmth heal my blistered wounds

I cannot hide from the fear that surrounds my hope

Hope provides comfort, but these wounds impale anxiousness

Thoughts of abandonment linger on the rays of your golden blades

Whispering in the back of my mind, creating unwanted butterflies in my chest

Silent arguments dancing among my thoughts

But faith, oh, my faith has seen all the things, she has conquered the darkest realms, she appears to me when I need her most, and gives me the courage to step closer within myself

Mmm...and love... oh my Love...comes and goes, and forever will flow within, beneath, between, and unseen in the places that have been experienced by you and me

Don't you see?

I stand eye to eye with fear

Staring at a reflection of my past, seeing through frightened brown eyes

Acknowledging my truths and embracing these scars

Within this space, this time, and this place I will crumble and fall, but never cease to stand tall

My faith, my love, my courage to see the imperfect parts that make me, me

Will always choose to see the light in the scariest of times, I will always fight

He said there are some things I wanna do

And I said okay boo, do you

But I couldn't help but feel the sadness of his realness

Knowing that I needed that too. The space to thrive, live, jump, and jive

But I miss him so, and the more I miss him the more I'm afraid to see him go

See I've never had a love like this

A healthy love that respects boundaries, space, and growth

So each time he comes it gets a little bit sweeter

That nectar flows within my soul like warm sand in-betwwix my toes

but love doesn't need to be suffocated or held so tightly

It's meant to flow, to come and go

To fill the spaces that we thought couldn't be filled

It's within us

We remain who we are inside

With or without one another

You see that's the beautiful thing...

and when we see each other there's reason to thrive, live, jump, and jive

I can do all things with or without him

I can be whole and still miss him

I can be whole and still feel lonely

I can be whole and still be me

Recognizing the wounds that are healing within

Verbalzing the truth, the way, the light

So he's got some things he's gotta do

Full moon

Restless mind

Crimson flow

Aching womb

Senseless chatter occupies the fuzzy corners of my mind

Tired mind, body, and spirit

Afraid to drift into R.E.M.

Low buzzing city streets

Moonlight softly paints the room

Shadows dancing on the walls

Spirit is awake

Spirit is tired

Humming tunes of loneliness at this hour

Moon beams comforting the senseless chatter

Crimson tide contracting within my womb

Warm sticky flow stain my plump thighs

Dampening my in between

Body is awake

Body aches

Body is tired

These thoughts flow from a jumbled place

Mind is awake

Mind is tired

Mind needs rest

Low buzzing city streets fill the dead space

Reminding me of where I am

You are safe

You can fall asleep

You can dream

Tired mind, body, and spirit

Limbs stretching every which way

Crimson tide, aching womb, damp in between

Tangled legs, warm toes, hips lie like valleys

Whispered breaths fill the nearly dark room

Dancing shadows hypnotizing my sleepy eyes

Rest now child of the night

The moonlight will guide thee into the night

Cradle me till dawn

Heavy eyes, sunken hips, slow breaths

Tunes of a restless soul, moon child, dreamer of twilight skies

Rest now child of the night

Spirit needs rest

I wanted to melt into one single breath.

I let him into my sacred space. 

I softened for him. Melting into warm brown liquid, honey. Dripping from the sweetest spot.

He parted my sex and as one, we moved.

My soul clinging to him. My arms wanting to absorb his energy. My thighs hugged his strong body. Tightly bound in harmonious dance. Not close enough, I thought. I don't want a beginning or end. I want everlasting love and trust.

I wanted to become one single breath. 

Feeling him in the depths of my womb. Places no man has taken me before. Sweet nectar dripped from my lips. Branding his shaft. Swirling hips kiss his lap. Deepening thrusts expand my universe. Melting the walls around my heart. I surrender to your love. I submit to peace. 

Wanting to become one single breath. 

Needing his calloused hands to caress my soft mound. My hips lie like valleys upon his mountain top. Stretching, kneading, and swelling into my garden of wonders. 

My breasts fill his hands eagerly. I surrender to your love. I submit to peace. 

Fear of losing myself in the act of love, but to give oneself is to trust thyself. 

Wanting to become one single breath.

I cling to your strong shoulders. Your strength cascades around my femininity. Protecting and gently affirming my heart. 

We beat as one. Pulsating within my sex. Ragged breathing, soft moans, and wet cheeks drumming to the beat of our lovemaking. 

Wanting to become one single breath. 

Shrieked screams wake me from the edge of R.E.M. sleep.

I begged to live to see another day. Does she feel the same? What part of her journey is she in? Blinded and halted by fear disguised as love?

It brought me back to all those dark moments we devilishly danced together. Each bang, scream, and thud shake my heart to the core.

I thought I woke up in my old apartment. I was waiting for your hands to find my neck. Waiting for the aching sting of bruised ribs. Anticipating you pressed deeply within my thighs, unwanted… Waiting for my lungs to burn from my screams, but your hands never came. The screams roared within. Stirring wildly and crashing within my body. Losing all feeling in my body. My eyelids fluttering, trying to familiarize my surroundings.

Clutching my heart and trying to practice these exercises that are to help ground me during these triggers. They aren’t helping. I feel myself sinking into the bed. The covers tangled between my legs feel like heavy vines pinning me down. Struggling to hold my breath. Helplessness and anticipation seeping into my cold tingling bones. Trying to disappear within, quiet my body, as if the man upstairs can hear my pounding heart.

What is the right thing to do? Fear halting me like a deer in headlights. How do I navigate these rough waters? I’ll forever carry her screams with me. Deeply harmonizing with my own.

If I stay silent, I’m adding to her pain as others blindly added to mine. The fear freezes me... Holding me hostage.

“You are safe” *BOOM* tears streak my face. “You are home Mae” *YELLING* The bass in his voice making my heart tremble and my skin crawl.

She deserves to be free, but is she ready? Will I add or take away from her suffering if I break my silence?

"He isn’t here” *THUD.SCREAMING*

Will I add or take from her life? What role do I play now? I haven’t been on this side of the wall. Her screams echo within my heart, fill my scared eyes with heavy tears.

I squeeze my eyes shut and focus on what I can feel.

Mila beneath my hands. Her soft fur clutched within my trembling hand start to soothe me.

*BOOM*

“You’re okay Mae, it’ll be over soon.”

*CRASH*

Ragged breathing and hollow panting fill the space

*Pitter Patter*

“I think it’s okay now… Don’t make a sound… Keep quiet, keep safe; within this darkness you can hide. He won’t come here. He can’t find you now…”

The silence is crimpling. When will I hear her screams again?

The silence is frightening.

Silence kept me in shackles for years, but it was my choice, my voice that needed to find the light.

Will she secretly hate the one who doesn’t turn a blind eye? Could this kill her more than it already is? Who do I play now? What do I say?

*BOOM*

“God please… please, make it stop.”

*YELLING*

Silently I pray for her… “Don’t fight back… He’ll grow tired. Let him become tired…”

***SILENCE***

I begged for a savior in those dark moments.

The silence is deafening. At least when I hear her shrills, I know she has breath in her lungs. I don’t want to take away from her life.

Being on the other side of the wall is just difficult.

I could take the beating over this any day. At least he’d tire and his fists would eventually fall flat.

***SILENCE***

Wet cheeks, ragged breaths, swollen eyelids become heavier and heavier.

Finally, my eyes close, heart slows, and body relaxes… The darkness is closing in, gently rocking me back to sleep. I take a deep breath in and exhale… And there you are… Greeting me in my terrors… God please… Wake me up…

*ALARM*

Silently I roll out of bed...

When we dance under those starry skies we fuse into one entity. Falling deeply into the kaleidoscope that makes us, us. Two souls uniting, enterwining, and delicately molding into one molecule. One with the universe. Blended threads of fabrics that build our planet one petal at a time. Nesting in our universe. Love, deep understanding, and tears binding us. Sewn together by the golden strand the Universe used to bring and tie us together.

When we dance your rhythm carries us through the shallows of earths wonderers. We transform and take shape of something majestic. Methodically moving to different beats, but together harmonizing to the tunes of our own frequency. I flow, you pop. Like silk ribbon I move between you and within you. Like rushing water you cascade over and around me. Filling me with so much adoration and comfort. Harmoniously we flow and pop within our bubble. Creating shimmered magic that flows beyond our realm.

I love meeting you within our universe. I love truly seeing you past human form. Seeing into your soul. Glimmers of sunshine beaming from each petal I've discovered and gently caressed. Our own in-between. Kaleidoscope of the yous that make you, you and the me's that make me, me.