Teecana

Scott just lets out a long sigh everytime and counts to ten in his head.

He ends up on the same flight to New York as Shane after an away game in Ottawa, with Scott going back home and Shane travelling for the launch of a new Rebook store in New York.

And Scott can't help but laugh when he sees what the in flight movie options are. At Shane's curious look he waves at the small tv screen and explains the bit Ilya has going on. And Shane, just for a second, gets this weird glint in his eyes before offering Scott one of his earbuds with a smile.

"Want to rewatch the game with me instead?", he asks, holding up his IPad. And, why the hell not, Scott thinks, there are worse things than reviewing their game with Shane (even though he doubts Shane will share any of his strategical thoughts with him).

The reporter then asks how Rozanov feels about it.

“Oh he hates it. He complains all the time. Keeps telling me to go back to Montreal where I belong. That I’m bringing the team down with my bad energy-“

And Ilya- realising Shane is the only person who can see him, decides to spend his eternity being an absolute Shit.

He messes with Shane’s stuff, constantly chirps him, jump scares him in the shower and mocks his lack of a love life (nice dick Hollander, don’t you ever use it?)

He’s basically Shane’s nightmare roommate.

Except over time, they get under each other’s skin in a way that can’t be explained away by annoyance. They get fond. They laugh together. Argue over the remote (I’m the only one who can actually touch the remote, asshole.)

and then there’s Ilya constantly coming onto Shane at the worst times. Kissing his neck while he’s out at the bar with friends, ghosting a hand over his cock in the locker rooms where no one else can see the cause of the blush in Shane’s cheeks.

meanwhile Shane is in a panic of epic proportions because not only is he falling in love with a ghost but the ghost is a fucking Dude.

He’s ghost gay. For Ilya fucking Rozanov.

There isn’t enough money in the world to pay for the amount of therapy he needs for that.

So imagine a ghost version of the tuna melt but instead it’s Ilya lighting a bunch of candles around the apartment poltergeist style to try and profess his feelings for Shane (it’s totally not love just like… friends who have freaky ghost sex…)

and Shane freaks out and goes on to date Rose, except now Rose has to deal with the Haunting of Petty Bitch Ilya Rozanov.

Bonus points if Ilya’s there in the room when Shane is trying to fuck Rose and keeps whispering to him that no one will ever satisfy Shane the way he does. Mocks him for how much he needs to be filled….

david hollander: oh shit i wasn’t supposed to see that. i have invaded his space and seen something he didn’t want known. he was hiding away in the cabin with a man. because he wasn’t ready to come out yet. he didn’t want us to know and now i know. wait that’s rozanov! what the fuck is he doing with rozanov? oh no that felt judgy of me. hold on am i being homophobic right now? i’m intruding and it was a secret and - fuck i just outed my son. what if I just run. what if i signal that i didn’t see anything by simply dashing out the door. shane i promise i didn’t see anything. fuck yuna help i fucked it all up.

shane: oh man my dad’s not happy i’m gay.

Marleau having a one night stand with a puck bunny and he doesn’t ask her name until the next morning and she just kind of smirks and says “Jane. Tell Rozanov I said hi.” Cliff just turns white as a ghost and has a total meltdown thinking he just slept with his best friend’s girlfriend.

He acts weird for weeks before Ilya snaps at him to tell him what’s going on and he just shouts “I SLEPT WITH JANE!” and then immediately cowers. Like fully fetal position covering his face in case Roz started immediately wailing on him.

This goes on for a while until one reporter is finally brave enough to ask.

“I’m sorry, you keep saying your ‘wife-in-law’, and I feel like someone should tell you that that’s not… a thing? Do you mean your sister-in-law? Mother-in-law?”

Ilya: “No, there is no misunderstanding. My wife-in-law, Jackie. We get drinks every few weeks. She calls me her husband-in-law, I call her my wife-in-law, and our husbands both roll their eyes because that’s just how they are.”

In the books, Shane actually knew hayden before he got married, and shane was at the club the night hayden met jackie. In the show, hayden gets portrayed as older and already married, so wouldn't work in show universe, but anyway--

the concept is shane and jackie are cousins. Jackie was out that night at the club because shane invited her, and he inadvertently set her up with his best friend (huge win-win for him). They're the same age, grew up together, have always been good friends, and hang out a lot.

Ilya has no idea jackie and shane are related. Yeah, the pikes are around during holidays, yeah, they seem to know yuna and david pretty well, but also shane's an only child and hayden is his best friend, it's not that odd. And yeah, shane is kind of weirdly close with his best friend's wife, but he's gay and hayden seems cool with it, so what does it matter?

Then randomly, one day after the long game shane is talking about going up to montreal because jackie is hosting 'cousin brunch' because her brother is in town and some younger cousin just started at McGill and Ilya is like "my love, i know jackie is our friend but why on earth would we would drink mimosas on a sunday with her cousins?"

like give me a shane who responds to months of ghosting + vegas 2014 by going okay. i understand. no strings attached, it's just sex, i will not make any emotional bids because he doesn't actually like me. he doesn't want to be my friend and he doesn't want to hang out or chat or anything. it's just sex. he doesn't like me. but it's good sex.

(which is why he's so thrown off guard by everything about the tuna melt situation. he's got rules in his head based on what their past relationship has been like, based on what ilya himself made clear to him in 2014, and whatever ilya is doing now is completely breaking all of those rules!!!! what is happening!!!)

but specifically i really want to see them finally talk about it and shane's just like wait. you cared about me this whole time????? what the fuck??

and ilya's like. um. yes? (a little hurt, but pretending he's not) did you. not? care about me? at all??

and shane's like what? no of course i did, i cared about you the whole time but i just thought you didn't give a shit about me until recently. like i thought you just didn't like me and only liked my body, i guess.

and ilya's just like . . . . . . . . . . you thought i saw you as, what, a sex doll? you thought i didn't like you at all, and you. you still met with me every time? you thought i didn't fucking like you or care about you even a little bit and you still let me fuck you?

and shane's like. shrug. yes?

"Why are you guys complaining about Shane's ending when Shane himself is HAPPY with it" well of course he is, he is not real. If the writer wants a character to set themselves on fire and feel a little tickle instead of excrutiating pain, they will be able to do it. But unless you work on establishing a believable journey for that character's reaction, the reader will look at that writing choice and feel like it's unearned.

“yes, it’s tragic. wanna try?” ilya smirked and shane could feel his dick twitching at the thought of it

“yeah,” his voice was hoarse, “tomorrow?”

“yes. tomorrow. after second puck drop, i will chirp you and you will throw fists. gloves off”