#textism

Add "pew pew!" to anything and I'm helpless. A mugger could say, "Gimme yer cash! Pew pew!" and I would. Right after clapping and giggling. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92

Rest easy, America. Congress will get your tax dollars back from AIG and waste them in a far less visible way. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74

My wife is on the phone with a friend and they're talking to each other. IN REAL LIFE. Freaks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

‘Writing an iphone app’ appears to have become the new ‘working on a screenplay’. @textism (Dean Cameron Allen) – 61

It turns out they'll print anything you want on a business card. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about this. I'm an astronaut. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 59

"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." - sweaty dumb guy @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Was surprised to see my last missed call was from my brother's pet bunny. Then realized I checked my camera, not my cell. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 53

Marriage is like a friends with benefits relationship without the benefits. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52

Follow Friday makes no sense to me because I really, sincerely, consider us all to be in competition with each other. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

When I was a lad, I always imagined that conjugal visits would involve more edible lingerie and less shoving a crying baby in my face. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 50

Wit, n.: the delicate art of subtly steering a conversation in the direction of the hilarious pun you came up with three weeks ago. @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 47

Wild horses couldn't drag me away. I mean, how would you harness them to me? They're wild. They could gallop at me menacingly. Then I'd go. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

A coworker asked me if I've "heard of Twitter". I told her I had, and that it "looks cool". This is how it starts. ...and ends. @luckyshirt (Luckyshirt) – 44

Ever click on a web ad by mistake, and then worry that the entire Internet economy depends on people doing what you just did? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #1357516286 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 41

This bra makes my boobs so pointy, I like to imagine they're laser blasters and hear *pew pew* in my head every time I face someone. @ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 39

"How many beers have you had?" Look. For the last time, people. Just because I wear glasses, it doesn't mean I'm good at math. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 39

Microsoft would be a horrible name for a brand of condoms. @joeschmidt (Joe Schmidt) – 39

Some guy poked my tummy at the bar & I reflexively did the Pillsbury Doughboy giggle. Thinking about quitting cookies. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 36

Textism - Isamu Hirabayashi