✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: when i tied my whole mood to a guy i barely know (embarrassing but real) :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧
hi angels,
okay so i need to get something off my chest because i've been feeling like absolute garbage lately and i think i finally figured out why. i've been super inactive these past weeks because i've been so depressed. this is embarrassing but also probably relatable so here we go.
i've been completely obsessing over this guy (a coworker). like, embarrassingly so. we've talked maybe five times total, but somehow my entire day revolves around whether he's looked at my instagram story or if he smiled at me in the hallway or whatever other microscopic interaction i can overanalyze for hours.
and the worst part? i didn't even realize how much i was doing this until my mood started tanking. like, i'd wake up excited about my day, then see he hadn't came to work or to something, and suddenly everything felt pointless. my motivation for studying, for working on blog posts, for literally anything, it all became tied to whether this random guy was giving me attention.
⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆ how did i get here? ⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆
honestly? i think it started because i was feeling kind of lost and directionless, and having a crush gave me something to focus on. instead of dealing with my own uncertainty about the future, i could just daydream about this person who probably doesn't even know my middle name.
it's so much easier to fantasize about someone else making you feel complete than to actually do the work of figuring out what YOU want from life. crushes are like emotional procrastination, they give you all the feelings without any of the actual vulnerability or growth.
and let's be real... seeking male validation is something i've been doing for way longer than i want to admit. there's something about getting attention from guys that makes me feel worthy in a way that my own accomplishments somehow don't. which is messed up when i actually think about it.
⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆ the wake up call ⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆
the moment i realized how bad this had gotten was when i caught myself checking if he'd seen my story for literally the fifth time in an hour. and then i felt this wave of depression because he hadn't, and i was like… mindy. what the hell are you doing?
this person doesn't even know you. you've built up this entire fantasy relationship in your head with someone who is essentially a stranger. and you're letting that fantasy control your entire emotional state.
it hit me that i was basically using this crush as a drug. feeling sad? think about him. feeling unmotivated? imagine him being impressed by my success. feeling insecure? replay that one conversation where he laughed at my joke.
but drugs wear off. and when they do, you're left feeling worse than before.
⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆ getting my life back ⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆
so i'm trying to untangle myself from this mess, and here's what's actually helping:
unfollowing him on social media ~ not dramatically, just muting his stories so i'm not constantly checking. out of sight, out of mind.
redirecting that energy ~ every time i catch myself thinking about him, i try to do something for ME instead. answer an ask, work on an assignment, text a friend.
remembering who i was before this obsession ~ i had goals and interests and excitement about my life that had nothing to do with male attention. those things are still there.
getting real about what i'm actually looking for ~ am i looking for love? validation? distraction? once i name it, i can find healthier ways to get those needs met.
spending time with people who actually know me ~ friends/family who see my worth without me having to perform for it.
⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆ the hard truth ⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆
seeking male validation is such a trap because it puts your worth in someone else's hands. and the guys who are worth your time? they're not going to be impressed by you changing yourself to get their attention anyway.
i keep reminding myself, the right person will like me for who i actually am, not for the performance i put on to seem worthy of their attention.
and honestly? i need to be someone i'm proud of when i'm alone before i can be someone worth loving in a relationship.
this is messy and embarrassing but it's real. if you've been doing this too, you're not pathetic!!! you're just human. but we can do better. we deserve to feel excited about our lives for reasons that have nothing to do with whether some guy notices us.
anyway, that's where my head's at lately. working on remembering that i'm the main character of my own story, not a side character in someone else's 💕 (i have like 20 new asks in my inbox, i'm working on it!!)
✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: :･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧
xoxo, mindy ♡
