#worthy

Isaiah 54 says that the Lord is our Husband. Jesus is the Bridegroom.

The church has been cradled by so much disappointment that it has affected the way our minds define what a worthy marriage should look like. Yet throughout Scripture we see the unfaithfulness of Israel, and still God never forsook His people.

Even more than that, He purposed to redeem and renew His bride. He fulfilled the vows she could never keep, removed her guilt and disgrace, and clothed her with His own righteousness, glory, and grace. He established a new covenant in which she is no longer identified by her unfaithfulness, but by His faithfulness to her.

We spend so much of our lives trying to find the right spouse, while God has been making the wrong spouse right from the very beginning.

I've been a big girl my whole life. When I graduated high school in 1997 I was 250 lbs. That summer I dropped 60 lbs. I was so proud of myself. I had posted a picture to my Yahoo dating profile and was told I didn't need a boyfriend; I needed Jenny Craig. This was my introduction to cyber bullying.

My weight fluctuated over the years but 2 kids and a divorce later I gave up. In August 2021 I realized I hit my max weight of 416 lbs. I was devastated and my health was suffering. I was finally ready to lose weight to be healthy and NOT to be skinny. Something finally clicked.

One step at a time. One rep at a time. I had to have patience, discipline, and give myself lots of grace. I lost 100 lbs; then gained back 40. I got back to that 100 lb mark a few months ago and I've been hovering there since. The same old thing wasn't working anymore.

I had to rethink my diet and activity. There's always been a lot of shame no matter what I put in my mouth so the thought of tracking calories felt like more shame. I hated gyms because any time I'm in public I get "those looks". I just wanted to become invisible.

The only way to achieve change is to step outside of that comfort zone. I started tracking calories and joined a different type of gym that only did group classes. This was the structure I've been needing.

I posted a video to IG sharing my joy of being able to complete a 45 minute kickboxing class. Cyber bullies quickly attacked and the video went viral for all the wrong reasons. How dare I be confident and happy, right?

I thought I was prepared for this. It was expected. But it still hurt. I've done a LOT of shadow work over the years and had learned to love myself again. If I hadn't worked on my confidence, value, and worth it could have been devastating to my mental health and my recovery. I'm still standing and sober.

My body does not define my value. I am a loving, caring being. I'm smart, loyal, determined, creative, passionate, and playful. There's so much more to me than just being fat, toothless, and hairy. Those that matter will see that too. Those that can't will never be happy no matter what I do.