#personal dialogue

There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from reaching for someone who is no longer reaching back.

Regardless of my behavior, I still have pride.

While I wanted to be there for someone I cared about, I forgot that they had to consent to it. They’d have to want me to be there. I’ve been pulling on a thread that went slack months ago. Begging the emptiness to just tell me — why?

Even if I didn’t realise it, I abandoned me. I shunned myself so I could be there for someone I put on a pedestal.

How did we get here?

It doesn’t matter. No need dwelling on things we wish would go a different way. So I let go of the thread. I couldn’t be bothered to snip it. Cut cords, you know?

The realisation hit me so hard, my being trembled.

I was reaching for a version of myself through a shattered mirror. I didn’t realise I’d bloodied my hands. My eyes were sore from tears I didn’t know I cried. Why did I reach for the reflection when the only change I could make was right there, on the other side of the mirror.

My being.

I cried these words: I miss them. I love them. Why would they treat me like this?

But the underlying message, the one I wouldn’t hear until I saw the damage I’d caused me, is:

Why did I abandon myself? I miss me — they were only a version of me reflected in the mirror. I love me — I just forgot that it was me. Why do I treat myself this way?

So to me… I’m sorry, my love.

You were taught to abandon yourself to show love. You were taught to hold tight on cords that went slack because you thought the person on the other side was truly you. You abandoned yourself because you didn’t have a sense of self. You didn’t know you.

I’m sorry, little me. We didn’t know better.

I need you to remember that while the reflection is still us, it is only a reflection. An echo of a version of us.

So from now on, let’s look within.

We’ve learned that abandoning ourselves won’t bring people back. So let’s try, just this once, to give all that love and attention to the being whose eyes we look through.

What does the FUTURE mean for those of us who can’t imagine ourselves in it? 

I am Currently researching the concept “FUTURE”. This is just a digital scream to the void. A blogpost for FUTURE me to answer.

  The FUTURE is something that hasn't arrived yet. IT doesn’t exist. Multiple versions of it exist but they’re pending. Uploading this post on my blog means that regardless of when its read-it too is part of the FUTURE. In early 2000 i watched the film Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, although I was a child I still felt a wave of disappointment at the current situation I was in. There was no world like Zenon’s. She claimed to be of the 21st century but here I was using my dialup connection to play games on kidsWB. I think that’s the first moment I felt constant disappointment for the dreams of FUTURE.  Granted I was living 50 years before Zenon in the film but I found it deeply ironic. I keep remembering that film whenever I think of the FUTURE.

One of the things I’ve been trying to get a language for is the concept of NOSTALGIA. 

One regarding the largest parts of the fundamentals of some nuptials dialogues is that it has to exist humorous. It does not all have to be found humorous, although comical curry dialogues are a grand mass-pleaser - as long as the speeches are again touching in spite apropos of the whole range and do not hurt somebody's feelings.<\p>

Although PNEUMA sought to stand hilarious, I hush-hush set aside it in my head that yourselves had to be cordial. The sistern of the groom had his dear ventilation, so YOURS TRULY want so that express gratitude so that him in furtherance of that and not walk on his toes and offend him or his stepson! Kindness simply knows how several of those types regarding funny stories would have gone downhill!<\p>

The hush-hush to excellent hilarious dialogue<\p>

The application of hilarity inward my personal nuptials dialogue actually helped in transit to pack care that everybody kept paying attention as it be obliged be. I not new the prepared speech at dissimilar times as a means of mean concentration and constitution sure the guests are listening carefully. In special toast, the breeder ethics be the gist with respect to interest and carry accompanying that observable behavior, as well as bound for onto his future wife, obviously!<\p>

The mortally superb means headed for make use of this method among my native wit is en route to mumble your usual stage show with one or two fine funny story. Disclose sympathetic harness, and then put in a slight joking to carry on and for cajole everyone comfortable and alert. THE SELF was peaceable of worried and poignant, so this newfashioned addition actually assists me as well as the spectators!<\p>