I didn't realise I'd bloodied my hands.
There is a particular kind of exhaustion that comes from reaching for someone who is no longer reaching back.
Regardless of my behavior, I still have pride.
While I wanted to be there for someone I cared about, I forgot that they had to consent to it. Theyâd have to want me to be there. Iâve been pulling on a thread that went slack months ago. Begging the emptiness to just tell me â why?
Even if I didnât realise it, I abandoned me. I shunned myself so I could be there for someone I put on a pedestal.
How did we get here?
It doesnât matter. No need dwelling on things we wish would go a different way. So I let go of the thread. I couldnât be bothered to snip it. Cut cords, you know?
The realisation hit me so hard, my being trembled.
I was reaching for a version of myself through a shattered mirror. I didnât realise Iâd bloodied my hands. My eyes were sore from tears I didnât know I cried. Why did I reach for the reflection when the only change I could make was right there, on the other side of the mirror.
My being.
I cried these words: I miss them. I love them. Why would they treat me like this?
But the underlying message, the one I wouldnât hear until I saw the damage Iâd caused me, is:
Why did I abandon myself? I miss me â they were only a version of me reflected in the mirror. I love me â I just forgot that it was me. Why do I treat myself this way?
So to me⌠Iâm sorry, my love.
You were taught to abandon yourself to show love. You were taught to hold tight on cords that went slack because you thought the person on the other side was truly you. You abandoned yourself because you didnât have a sense of self. You didnât know you.
Iâm sorry, little me. We didnât know better.
I need you to remember that while the reflection is still us, it is only a reflection. An echo of a version of us.
So from now on, letâs look within.
Weâve learned that abandoning ourselves wonât bring people back. So letâs try, just this once, to give all that love and attention to the being whose eyes we look through.
I love you, forever. â¤ď¸
















