#ftmover30

Did I use that right?

(Edit to add: last night I had 3 separate dreams after waking for toilet each time and in every one I was transitioning and was a boy

When I woke up i had to post something because I feel like I cant ignore it and push it away anymore)

I was talking with my partner about my childhood and how i remember certain things

Such as:

- I hated wearing anything girly dresses skirts or frills

- I never wanted to play with the girls I only ever had friends that were boys and

remember being SO jealous of them

- my one good friend Joshua gave me a pair of his batman jocks so that I could have some boy underwear to wear (I cherished them so much)

- i remember the first time my mum let me wear jeans and a button up shirt and converse to church and I was so elated and excited. I was running along the street, watching myself running in the windows of the shops and feeling like THATS ME!!!

- I distinctly remember at my friend's parents wedding i was so jealous of Joshua's suit/tux. I watched him and the other boys playing in their suit pants and shirts and bow ties feeling so ugly and stupid in my frilly dress

- as a teen I never got into the regular stuff girls liked make-up and boy bands and spice Girls etc

- I was into punk music and the pop punk scene and I loved dressing in that attire because it was so gender neutral and masc

- I remember when I went behind my mums back and cut my long hair off (it was down to my bum)

My mum was so angry at me but I was SO HAPPY I couldn't stop looking at myself with my short hair

- I remember praying every night that I'd wake up with a penis

- I uses to stand to pee ALWAYS when I was a kid

- whenever we would play pretend games I always played as a boy ALWAYS

- I used to get so.angry when I was told I was pretty or beautiful

- I had a flat chest for a long time and never wore a bra until I was bullied for it in year 8

I remember when I woke up and my chest had grown substantially and I cried and cried and refused to go to.school.

- I am very dysphoric about my chest but I thought it was okay with my downstairs parts but I was definitely asexual because yuck!

But now I believe i have bottom dysphoria and that's why the penetration part made me feel so gross all these years?

Being on the autism spectrum made growing up difficult because I learnt to mimic social things and realised ok i have to be more girly so I would force myself to be feminine but it made me so miserable

I thought I had to be a straight female as thats how I was born physically and the men I dated pushed for my femininity to be more prominent and so I did just that and I never felt happy.

I felt like an imposter in that costume.

I went through many transitions from femme to masc and back again throughout my young adult years settling somewhere in the NB spectrum

I've always stated to friends "I'm more masculine than feminine" as a way to establish my masc presence among the as "one of the boys" and I hate being singled out for example when they'd say "hey guys and Jess" or hey lads and girls just because I was in the chat on a game or whatever I HATE THAT

Never did I realise that these things could mean I'm trans until recently at 33 years old

I feel angry and upset that I have wasted all these years I guess?

I also keep talking myself out of it like im 33 I can't just realise now that I'm a trans man that's also gay, like how could I NOT know that?!

But I guess maybe I always did but no one heard me

I hope this can help someone else who is questioning and I guess I'm looking for advice if you have any?

peace and love

i’ve been inhibited about posting too overtly about this due to a lot of neurotic fretful curlicues and in particular a knotty and unpalatable how-do-you-do-fellow-kids shame-and-anger cluster (average age for this is probably under half my own, etc)

but on reflection: fuck that. there’s a doughty little population of us oldies here on tumblr, and some of us are on tumblr, the social media platform closest to full-spectrum lgbtq+ friendliness, in defiance of its youth coding, for a reason; maybe someone else out there is stuck in the midlife gender rumination spin cycle, like i was—

(i’m convinced a meaningful slice of gen x is stuck. those stats putatively showing lower incidence and prevalence of all the non-cishet variations in older generations vs younger ones, which transphobes wave around as proof It’s All A Fad? those stats do not reflect a near universal cisheterosexuality in older cohorts. they reflect severe hermeneutical poverty in early life, calcifying life trajectories, sunk costs, and fucking settling. it’s literally the survivorship bias plane meme)