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the most heartbreaking part of being a transmasc but being visually afab is that if i looked a different way i wouldn’t have to act differently and fight so hard to be accepted with the rest of the guys.
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i use it/its. i use he/him, too, but first and foremost, i use it/its.
but, mattie, i hear you say, why would you want that? why would you want to be seen as less than human? why would you want to be seen as someone-- something-- that isn't granted humanity?
i've read the posts, the comments, the anon hate, the other trans people who feel that i am too trans and too weird and too odd to also be deserving of love, care, and respect.
i use it/its because i was molested as a child. that's it. my humanity was routinely violated as a kid, and therefore, i now don't see myself as human. does the therian thing have something to do with it? probably. does my mental illness have something to do with it (and hey, the abuse caused the mental illness)? yes. it does.
i'm a member of a group that is constantly dehumanized as a whole. i know that it/its can be used to hurt people. i'm well aware. i don't need the soapbox discussions about how i'm awful because real people get dehumanized by these words, and real groups face this sort of hate, i'm aware, i am transgender in the united states.
i am still a binary man. and you all loveeee to say "pronouns don't equal gender" till pronouns aren't equalling gender. i'm a man. that's not up for debate.
but good god. no one cared about my humanity till i gave it up to learn how to heal. my humanity was ripped from me, and now that i have learned to love who i am, despite the pain, i am told i am in the wrong.
it/its users shouldn't have to explain why we use these pronouns. i shouldn't have to air out my trauma to be respected. that goes for EVERYONE. you shouldn't be forced to explain why you use they, or she, or he, or xir, or bun, or anything. pronouns are a way to explain to people how you want to be respected. what i am asking you to respect is that i am finally reclaiming the fact that i've been hurt and now i have a permanently changed view of who i am.
i shouldn't have to expose that i was abused. i shouldn't have to tell you, the wide and anonymous internet, that i am traumatized, but till you-- ESPECIALLY OTHER TRANS PEOPLE-- learn how to be normal about those of us who aren't using the standard he/she/they lineup, i am going to make you all deeply uncomfortable by realizing that it/its users might not just be the **qu1rky transtr3nd3rs?!?!?!** that we are usually made out to be.
also HOLY FUCK, they/them doesn't equal it/its, please quit making yourself more comfortable by actively insulting me and showing me that you REFUSE to respect me. it is listed in my blog first because i know i'm still gonna get predominantly he/him-ed.
A (kind of) poem about my experience with my Gender (The Fluid) Enjoy! Or don’t idk be nice to me please:
I’m a girl
But I will never be a woman
I am a girl, a girl all my life
So, a girl I will be
But im not a girl like the other girls
Not like the Not Like Other Girls who hate other girls to get boys to like them
I don't like boys that much
But I'm not like the other girls, who can say that they're girls and really mean it
I'm a girl, but when I say it, there's that taste in my mouth when I'm lying to someone
Like metal
I'm a boy!
A boy with the wrong parts
But great hair, so that's pretty cool
Except for the days when my hair sucks, then I feel like shit, and I'm even more aware of the parts on my body that I can't change,
And I don't want to change them, I just wish I could put them away for a bit (in a box somewhere)
I'm a boy who used to be a girl
not like other boys who used to be girls
Because it is not permanent, I will not always be a boy
I have not been a boy all my life (a girl all my life)
And I will not grow into a man
I will always be a girl again
I'm not really a boy (I wish I was)
And when I say that am
There is metal
I'm a person (a thing, but a person thing)
My parts don't feel wrong, just vaguely annoying
Like it would be cool if they weren't so in the way
If they didn't tell everyone that I'm a girl
If I didn't have to be reminded that I'm a girl
I know I'm a girl
A girl all my life (must be)
If they weren't there, maybe people would assume I'm just something
And I wouldn't need the metal
I am everything all at once, (a little bit of everything)
A girl, a boy, a person I am the Doctor 1 am a girl
When I am everything, I feel like something
My fluidity feels real
Less like a performance, more like a fact
The Doctor does not pretend they just are
But just as quickly as it comes, it goes And I am acting again
My gender is a performance
And I'm never sure how well I'm doing And I worry no one knows I'm acting
And then I'm just lying
Faking something others must struggle through
Lying through the metal in my mouth
But if I am lying, I do not know what the truth could be
I am a girl
And there is metal
A girl all my life (must be)
Metal
I was a girl
That little girl who always wears dresses is still me
We have different names
Different lives
But we love the same
We dream the same
I was a girl
But sometimes I am a boy, and there is metal
Sometimes I am a person, but there is metal
Sometimes I am nothing, and it’s metal
Sometimes I am everything, and there is still metal
I paint my nails, and I do my hair, and i wear all the right bracelets and all the right pins, and I feel like me, but still
There is metal
I know what I am
The river does not run dry, and the currents are never stagnant for very long, but it is always moving, and it forges its own path, sure of where its going even if it is always changing
