ScEnE eRa ReSuRgEnCe

Did I use that right?

(Edit to add: last night I had 3 separate dreams after waking for toilet each time and in every one I was transitioning and was a boy

When I woke up i had to post something because I feel like I cant ignore it and push it away anymore)

I was talking with my partner about my childhood and how i remember certain things

Such as:

- I hated wearing anything girly dresses skirts or frills

- I never wanted to play with the girls I only ever had friends that were boys and

remember being SO jealous of them

- my one good friend Joshua gave me a pair of his batman jocks so that I could have some boy underwear to wear (I cherished them so much)

- i remember the first time my mum let me wear jeans and a button up shirt and converse to church and I was so elated and excited. I was running along the street, watching myself running in the windows of the shops and feeling like THATS ME!!!

- I distinctly remember at my friend's parents wedding i was so jealous of Joshua's suit/tux. I watched him and the other boys playing in their suit pants and shirts and bow ties feeling so ugly and stupid in my frilly dress

- as a teen I never got into the regular stuff girls liked make-up and boy bands and spice Girls etc

- I was into punk music and the pop punk scene and I loved dressing in that attire because it was so gender neutral and masc

- I remember when I went behind my mums back and cut my long hair off (it was down to my bum)

My mum was so angry at me but I was SO HAPPY I couldn't stop looking at myself with my short hair

- I remember praying every night that I'd wake up with a penis

- I uses to stand to pee ALWAYS when I was a kid

- whenever we would play pretend games I always played as a boy ALWAYS

- I used to get so.angry when I was told I was pretty or beautiful

- I had a flat chest for a long time and never wore a bra until I was bullied for it in year 8

I remember when I woke up and my chest had grown substantially and I cried and cried and refused to go to.school.

- I am very dysphoric about my chest but I thought it was okay with my downstairs parts but I was definitely asexual because yuck!

But now I believe i have bottom dysphoria and that's why the penetration part made me feel so gross all these years?

Being on the autism spectrum made growing up difficult because I learnt to mimic social things and realised ok i have to be more girly so I would force myself to be feminine but it made me so miserable

I thought I had to be a straight female as thats how I was born physically and the men I dated pushed for my femininity to be more prominent and so I did just that and I never felt happy.

I felt like an imposter in that costume.

I went through many transitions from femme to masc and back again throughout my young adult years settling somewhere in the NB spectrum

I've always stated to friends "I'm more masculine than feminine" as a way to establish my masc presence among the as "one of the boys" and I hate being singled out for example when they'd say "hey guys and Jess" or hey lads and girls just because I was in the chat on a game or whatever I HATE THAT

Never did I realise that these things could mean I'm trans until recently at 33 years old

I feel angry and upset that I have wasted all these years I guess?

I also keep talking myself out of it like im 33 I can't just realise now that I'm a trans man that's also gay, like how could I NOT know that?!

But I guess maybe I always did but no one heard me

I hope this can help someone else who is questioning and I guess I'm looking for advice if you have any?

peace and love

I came out to my partner and started documenting my transition.

Not much has really happened other than a haircut, mens clothing and packers/stp shennanigans to be honest!

My partner has been super supportive and we both now identify as gay men which is so fulfilling and validating.

Today marks the start of a pretty emotional and special journey from past me to the true me.

Today I started Testosterone!!

I honestly felt like I'd never reach this moment when I first came out and hormones felt like the scariest thing on the planet.

They still do to be quite fair haha

Its been a really emotional day, I didn't think that I'd be sad or angry or anxious saying goodbye to the "girl"who kept me alive for over 30 years.

I thought I hated her but turns out I love her just as much as I love the real me because she is and always will be a part of who I am today.

I feel like this part isn't talked about enough. People are always like "I knew straight away Testosterone was the right decision"

But that has not bene the case for me. I struggled with it for many reasons namely my family, my singing voice and feeling like an imposter!

Its been a really hard journey and some days I'm 100% sure and others I'm full of doubt and I think that's okay and I think that's normal because it's a massive decision and a massive change and that can be scary.

So if you're worried that maybe you're not trans because you feel this way, be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to process and grieve in a gentle loving way because the person your trying so desperately to get rid of is the person that kept you alive until you could be your true self

It makes sense that it is an emotional time even though it's what you know you need, it isn't just a simple choice for many reasons and woth that comes a sense of anxiety and fear.

i kinda wish I had a irl golf cart tho

Its not that drastic and I'm far from done with my transition but these photos show the last 3 months of my life

Sitting in that salon chair with my long hair I felt so ugly and I was so nervous to cut my hair short but when I did I finally saw ME

I saw Tyler peeking out from behind my mask I'd so carefully constructed over the years

It was scary taking it off but I felt free

My name is Tyler and I am a trans man

My names Tyler

I wasn't born with this name but it's mine now!

I just recently came out as a trans man and I've made this tumblr as a kind of journal for my new path in life.

I want to be able to record my thoughts and feelings in an easy format, that can be shared for others to see, in the hopes that it might help others that are going through the same thing!

So please reblog and stay tuned for the manic ramblings of a newly cracked egg exploring and navigating the chaos of being trans at 33

Peace and love