#emxiety

Logan - He doesn't know what to do at first, asking about how he's doing it and complimenting his strength. When it finally catches up to him he gets flustered but allows himself to be kissed. When he goes to walk away Virgil drops down onto his back and latches on koala style.

Remy - He probably just woke up so nearly throws his coffee on him out of surprise. After a lengthy dramatic lecture, enough to rival Roman and Remus, he gives in. Many coffee flavoured kisses followed by a nap time when Virgil gets down.

Roman, who has grown up surrounded by people who lived and died without anything, without leaving anything behind but a mourning family and an empty job that'd be staffed soon enough. Roman, hearing about people who were Grand, who were Great, who were Powerful, who left a Legacy of themselves impressed into this world, and he wants. He yearns to be one of those men. The wish, the dream, it swallows him whole, becomes all he can think about, and he reads everything he can get his hands on and writes as much as he can. But when his mother grows sick, he stops, he cares for her, until he grows sick too, and when she dies, he cries and weeps, and it feels like the entire world must have fallen apart because his did.

But the world kept on spinning.

His mother's death left nothing but a mourning son and an empty job that'd be staffed soon enough. And, he knows, with absolute certainty, that he wants, needs, to be more than that. Starts writing non-stop, to get out, get away, rise up. No matter the cost.

When he finally makes it to New York, he falls in love with politics. He also falls in love with men.

Roman, who is charming and beautiful and scrappy as hell. Roman, who's more than a little desperate to prove himself as more than his upbringing. Roman, who walks right into a gorgeous heir to a wealthy man.

The young Mr. Sanders is far too aware of his social status and social responsibilities, the context in which he must act. He's far brighter than anyone gives him credit for, and delights in the revolution because of the new ideas and theories it has introduced into the colonies. He is far too aware of the optics of falling in love with a penniless soldier.

He is also far too aware of how goddamn beautiful Roman Hamilton is. And when Roman and Logan collide - it is sparks. They match each other perfectly, twin burning flames of candlelight dancing in circles.

But then, Logan sees his best and oldest friend. The one he refuses to admit he’s been in love with for years. Patton, the sweet one. Patton, who would never ask Logan to give up anything on his account. Patton, who is helpless.

And Logan is far too aware of all the dynamics involved. Roman can socially climb with Patton just as well. Patton is the second son of the wealthy Mr. Schuyler, so the connection is less important. And Logan... Logan never could deny Patton anything. Not for the one person in the world he is positive is the best person he could ever know. Not for the person he loves best. And so Roman is introduced to Patton with a gallant bow and a witty quip, and now they're both helpless and besotted.

Logan is an excellent friend. He supports their marriage, quietly advocates to Patton’s father on Roman's behalf… And he gives a wonderful toast at their wedding.

~~~~~~~~

Roman's burning need to be more doesn't lessen when he's married to someone as wonderful as Patton. If anything, it makes the need even stronger. He has a family now, even more need for a legacy. He will prove himself, or die trying. He will be whatever the Revolution needs.

And Patton tries to understand, he does. But... he doesn't pretend to know. He wants to be a wonderful husband, and he is. He wants to be a wonderful father, and thanks to the multitude of revolution orphans, he is that too. He adopts their first child Thomas when Roman is out on the front lines. Roman is sent home to be a father, but chafes the whole time at being separated from the fight.

"Roman, look around - look how lucky we are to be alive right now. Alive, and in love, and becoming parents."

"But Pat- the war's not done."

"I know, Ro. But as long as you can stay alive... that would be enough, for me. We don't need a legacy, my love. We can be enough." He takes Roman's hand in his as Thomas is between them, sleeping in his crib. "Together we can be enough."

Those words will haunt them both.

Roman promises to be careful, and even is. He survives the war, at the General's side. He comes home with the news, flush with excitement. He picks Pat up and spins him, he carries Thomas around on his shoulders. Patton finally feels the tension melt away. He's home, finally. The war is done, finally. Now he'll be satisfied, and they can be a family.

The day Roman gets a letter from the President asking him to join the convention, and then the administration - it's the first time Roman and Patton fight.

"I need to do this! I'm being asked to serve my country!"

"You just got home! Could you stay here for a second?"

"Pat, you don't understand-"

"No, I really don't! I don't understand why you want to run away from us the minute you have an excuse?"

"I need to make a difference, Pat!"

"You've made a difference in my life, Roman. And in Thomas’. Can't that be enough?"

Patton's last question hangs in the air as Roman refuses to respond, refuses to even make eye contact.

Roman was about to leave for the capital when a letter arrived. It was from Logan, a long letter written in his steady hand, in his normal flourish-less prose.

"Roman, I'm leaving for England tomorrow. My father found a wealthy sponsor who will help elevate our family. He's... not particularly smart, or clever. No one could match you in that regard, in any case. So please - don't stop writing. Don't stop writing letters to me, don't stop thinking the brilliant thoughts that this country needs. I am happier when I hear from you. All my love to you and Patton [added later:] and Thomas, Logan"

Logan, leaving? Across the sea? Where letters will take weeks and weeks to reach other? Roman almost directs the driver to divert their path. He could go to the wharf, get Logan to stay somehow. Is there something he can do?

“Pat, I… It’s Logan. Would his father marry him off? Are we going to lose him?”

Patton reads the letter silently. “I… I don’t know. I hope not. He’s always been there, I can’t even imagine…”

Roman reaches out for Patton’s hand. “My dearest… what if I asked him to stay?”

“With you?”

“With us. With both of us.”

Patton’s eyes grow wide as a smile stretches across his face. “You would? You’d be okay with that?”

Roman smiles. “I would love nothing more.”

When Logan does leave for England, to study and to work under an accomplished mentor, he does so with a ring on his finger and uncharacteristic butterflies in his heart. He leaves knowing that he will always return, because no matter where he goes, his home will always been wherever Patton and Roman are.

~~~~~~~~

Virgil Burr knew every day of his life that his parents were amazing and impressive and peerless. And then they both died at the peak of their careers, leaving him with just the overwhelming weight of expectations. So yes, of course he hesitates. He has so much to lose. Anything he does could tarnish the Burr legacy. Any wrong step could bring down himself and his parents' good name too. And he admires Roman, even as he's utterly confused. How can be act so brashly? How can he be so sure in himself to not hold back?

And Virgil, well, he doesn't have the best luck in anything. He gets passed over for promotions and assignments because he's so scared of putting himself out there.

And then he falls in love. And of course, that's not easy either.

Emile Picani is beautiful and brilliant and soft. He is also married to a British officer in Georgia. But Emile is beloved by men and women alike and he loves Virgil back. So how could Virgil do anything but wait for him?

Roman and Virgil find themselves in their favorite bar after Roman’s second wedding, when Logan and Patton are off entertaining other guests and old friends of both their families. Virgil confesses that he's been sleeping with Emile, despite the other's marriage.

Roman is baffled. "Virge, if you love this man, go get him! What are you waiting for?"

"I... I can't risk it, Ro. And I'm willing to wait for it."

"But, why? Why not risk it, when the reward is so high?"

"There are just too many factors, so many things that can go wrong. I am the one thing in life I can control."

They don't and never will understand each other, not completely. But they share a need, that burning desire to prove themselves, to belong. Roman, to belong to a family, to have a purpose that can't be replaced. Virgil, to his family, to be an heir they wouldn't be disappointed in. And so their methods will never be fully aligned.

But, at least it works out for Virgil. Emile's husband does get sent back to England and Emile stays. They get a divorce, and Emile at long last becomes Virgil's. They have a son together, named Emile too. He joins them within months of Thomas coming home to Roman and Patton. Roman and Virgil write to each other with a new level of awe they could never have imagined before.

"Pride it not the word I'm looking for - there's so much more inside me now," Roman tells his oldest friend and rival. He quotes his husband, too: "I don't have the vocabulary to describe what I'm feeling inside."

Virgil writes back "When he smiles, he knocks me out - I just fall apart. And we both thought we were so fucking smart."

~~~~~~~~

Even with two loves now bound to him, even with a son who amazes and delights him, Roman cannot bear to stay at home, not when there is work to be done. Rushing back into politics brings Roman back into contact with his favorite and oldest rival, who continues to just not get him. Roman and Virgil clash like an angry cat meeting a dog determined to play: neither really gets why the other doesn't understand their reactions. And yet they move in the same circles, and both have the same undercurrent driving their every move, their every decision: "Prove yourself." Roman needs to prove he can be more than the transient, interchangeable kid he used to be on that tiny island. Virgil needs to prove he is not a disappointment to his parents' memory. He can't be the weak link. And his fear of doing the wrong thing paralyzes him more often than not, even as his ideas and thoughts rival Roman's.

The fights and tension Roman has with other members of the Cabinet are amazing. He feels more alive, just like in the revolution. He has a goal, he has obstacles/enemies, and he knows he has the ability to overcome. It all just makes sense, and it electrifies his blood to be able to be right where he needs to be.

Except, well. There are other places that also need him.

One place that also needs him is London. He does as Logan asked, and keeps writing. They debate the ideas he's bringing to Congress and the Cabinet, they make Shakespeare references constantly, and finally, now, they have the space to tell each other that they love each other. Every letter, every post-script. Patton’s letters are filled with endearments and compliments, just as Logan and Roman’s are insults that weave themselves right into declarations of affection.

Roman has a home office that he practically lives in, those days he's not in the actual office in New York. So Patton knows where to find him when he needs his husband to come be a human downstairs.

"It's Thomas' birthday, Ro. And we know it's a little unorthodox, but he actually has a gift for you!"

Patton beatboxes as Thomas starts to rap and sing, bursting with excitement.

And Roman hears his son singing to him, so proud of the words he wrote himself. Taking after Roman in his musical sense and his uncanny ability with language, taking after Logan in his impeccable timing and rhythm, taking after Patton in his pure delight and sunny nature. And Roman just melts.

"Our son is.... our son is pretty great, isn't he?" he asks his beaming husband, tearing up as he smiles.

"Yes he is," Patton says, hugging Thomas. His insides fill with fuzzy sunlight as he sees Roman sit with Thomas and listen, really listen about all his adventures and the French he's learning, and how hard but rewarding piano is.

"Darling, I know you've been working so hard - don't you think you deserve a break? We're going to my father's house for the summer, all of us. All the children: Thomas and Valerie and Joan and Talyn…”

Roman hesitates. "Work is so busy, there's so much I want to do..."

"Oh but Ro, when I say the whole family, I mean the whole family." Patton takes a letter out with brightness in his smile. "Logan is coming too."

Roman grabs the letter and kisses Patton’s cheek. “We’ll all be together?”

“We will, my dearest. At last.”

And Roman does mean to take a break. He earnestly does.

When Logan arrives off the boat from England, he and Patton immediately embrace, exchanging soft kisses. They've been together since they were children, and they always come first for each other. Always. But then Logan turns and sees Roman and... he's not a hugely expressive man. His face is usually inscrutable to all but those who know him the very best. Patton, however, knows him the very best. He sees the stars swirling in Logan's eyes and he hears the warmth in his love’s normally stoic voice. Hears how Roman, his famously, obnoxiously loquacious husband, is reduced to a single word: "Hi."

His heart is alight, seeing the two men he loves most take each other’s hands, unable to look away from each other even to kiss. No jealousy burns his skin, not even at the edges. It gives him only joy, to know that his husbands love each other so very much, as much as he himself loves them. They’re a family, a balanced triangle. And finally, they can all be satisfied.

Which is why it's so gutting when it turns out, no, it's still not enough. Roman just keeps saying "I can't stop until I get this plan through Congress..."

Patton's and Logan's hands immediately find each other's, just like when they were young. The mutual heartbreak is palpable as they stare back at Roman from the coach taking them away upstate, surrounded by all Patton's and Roman's kiddos.

Is Patton surprised? He is, actually. He thought if he wasn't enough, then he and Logan surely would be. He doesn't think he'll ever be surprised again, though.

If only Roman had just taken a break.

~~~~~~~~

We may never know for sure that it was a plan, a joint scheme between Remy Reynolds and his speculator husband Daniel Reynolds. We may never know if it was perfectly staged for Daniel to be gone from home when Remy collapsed on Roman's doorstop, begging for help.

Between his overpowering sense of chivalry, the ease with which his ego is stroked, and how fucking exhausted he's made himself... Roman isn't quite powerless to resist, but it's close. Roman almost pulls himself away but Remy suddenly has this look that reminds him just too much of his husbands. Who are gone, together, and it’s his own fault he’s not with them, but he misses them both, so much.

And then the letter arrives. The extortion letter. "Dear sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in pockets of people like me down on their luck - you see, that was my husband you decided to...."

"How could I do this? Why didn't I say no? What am I doing?" Roman despairs, but... where can he go now? He's already done it, and both Reynolds know. The only way this could be worse would be if Patton knew. If Logan knew. So Roman pays. Nobody else needs to know.

~~~~~~~~

Life doesn’t stop when Roman’s morals do. And Virgil Burr is still alive and kicking.

And he finally comes to a decision point when he realizes that Roman's just executed the most ambitious compromise in the nation's history. Compromise is Virgil's thing. Roman has always rolled his eyes at him for wanting to find middle ground between sides, the 'safe' option. And now he turns around and has invented the treasury and placed the capital city all at once? And no one can say exactly... what happened, there. How they got to that point. And Virgil wasn't part of it.

It hits him like a thunderbolt: he wants to do this. If huge accomplishments can happen even through compromise, then he can do it too. This can be how he finally lives up to his legacy. He's sitting in his study when Roman bursts in, furious.

"You just unseated my father-in-law in the Senate? Since when the fuck have you been a Democratic Republican?"

"What the hell, Roman?"

"No, what the HELL, Burr? What were you thinking?"

Virgil is confused. "I finally did what you keep bugging me to do. You know, actually do something for once instead of hesitating."

"But Senator Schuyler? Why him?"

"You're not exactly the most popular dude around, Roman. The connection was what made him weaker."

"I've always considered you a friend, Burr."

"Thanks, but why would that change? This isn't about you. This is about opportunity. Don't let your pride get the way of common sense, yeah?"

Others see the rift forming, and bring Virgil in on a plan to undermine Roman's even bolder plans. They have.... information. Why did it appear just now? Perhaps because there were murmurs that particularly rich senators and cabinet members looking for dirt on one Treasury Secretary.

Roman Hamilton has always, always been a great writer. It's what he's known for, what he's proud of. And thanks to his eloquence and overwhelming prolificacy, it's gotten him out of a lot of narrow spots and dead-ends. So when his political rivals, now supported by Virgil, approach him in an attempt to blackmail him with the info from the Reynolds....

Well, obviously, he's going to write his way out.

Roman figures that the power of blackmail is the target's shame. And the insinuations that he used the money for speculation, that he took funds from the government, when the treasury is his one crowning glory so far? Speculation rumors are clearly going to be more dangerous than the truth for his professional life . Better to get in front of the wave.

The Reynolds Pamphlet hits without warning. Roman, impulsive, dumbass, short-sighted Roman, didn't imagine how huge the uproar could be. He's immediately alienated out of the public sphere, all his influence and credibility shot.

Virgil has lost Emile, in the meantime. Sickness overcame his love, and he and young Emile were left on their own. It makes it all the more baffling when he sees Roman's missteps: how could he possibly risk a love as wonderful as what Virgil had with Emile? How could he even think of such a thing?

Roman’s political career is dead. His dirty laundry is aired to the public. No one will make any deals with him, not when they can just say "well the adulterer supports the opposing position" and walk away the victor. His public life is empty, and his private life…

There was no warning. None at all. Not even a single heads up, even once the pamphlet had been published. His husbands didn't even find Roman's article on their own. Thomas did.

Thomas is in shock and disbelief. How could Dad do this to Papa and Father? Dad is a good man, there must be some mistake, right?

Patton knows there hasn't been. Patton is... devastated, but not surprised. He wishes he could be surprised. Does that make him a terrible husband, that he already thought so little of Roman and still stayed? He finds himself wishing, in a weird, backwards way, that the affair had at least been someone he knew. Then at least, he might know how it could be that he and Logan were both missing something that Roman could only find elsewhere.

Logan, on the other hand, is furious.

His face is a glacier, his blood is ice, and Roman can practically feel the frost sprouting off his lips as Logan glares at him, spitting out, "I'm no longer here for you. How self-absorbed, how selfish do you have to be to think that I would possibly take your side in this?"

The time following the publication sees an angry Logan who refuses to listen to Roman's pleas, who ignores every explanation, who stonewalls every attempt of Roman’s to talk.

"It’s not that it’s another man, you idiot. We’re a polyamorous marriage. No, I’m pissed that you honestly thought that your goddamn ego and reputation mattered more than actually talking to us. Because Patton takes this personally. Our husband is the best person in the world. He is kind, he cares about others' feelings, and he has raised six children to be compassionate young adults. In short, he is everything you're not. So congratulations, Roman. You've done what you always wanted: become famous. Created a legacy that will never die. And that legacy is for inventing a new stratosphere of stupid. I love Patton more than anything in this life, and I have chosen his happiness every time I could. I have chosen it, I will choose it, and I choose it now. I'm back in America to stay, for him and him alone. You took the best thing life could have given you, and you ruined it. So well done, Roman. Congratulations."

Patton does not lash out. There is no reflexive anger or reaction dragged out of him. No, instead, his response is calm, collected. He looks at Roman’s actions and says to himself, "I have seen exactly what you've done and I refuse to give you room to hurt me further."

Yes, he's a storm of hurt and final betrayal.  He has never hated anyone before. But all those years ago he said he'd never be surprised. And he isn't, now. Just disappointed, that he was right all along. He couldn't be enough.

And now he's free. Free to stop trying. Free from trying to drag Roman into being a father to their kids. Free from having to try not to see the glances from other men (and women). Free from having to be a pseudo-widower, who'd lost his husband to politics. Now he decides on his own: Roman is exiled from his half of the house. He can stay in his home office. He can avoid dinners. That's what he did before, didn't he? Patton will stay with his children and remaining husband. Logan and Thomas and Valerie and Joan and Talyn and Terrence and Brittany. All his kiddos. They can be a family on their own. They could never be enough for Roman, but they're enough for each other.

~~~~~~~~

The eldest children are... dealing. Valerie has inherited her Papa's temperament, and throws herself into taking care of her younger siblings. Joan latches onto Father and they follow him everywhere.

Thomas is still in shock. And disbelief.

And he, more than any of the others, has inherited Dad's temperament, and maybe more than a little of Father’s. And he has a strong sense of privacy - no one should be gossiping about this if they're not actually affected. Thomas is on his university campus when he hears of speech publicly disparaging his Dad, saying he's without any redeeming qualities, calling him dumb and unintelligent and both a philanderer and a traitor the the country.

The young man is already burning with anger, and then the speaker throws in a last little gem:

"What more could we possibly expect from a man like that? Of course he was going to show his true nature eventually. Look at his ‘husbands.’"

Now, this man has implicated not only Dad, but Papa and Father, too. And now that patented Hamilton rage is spiking. Thomas walks up and slaps him with a glove, trembling with anger. The ancient call to a duel. The man looks like he just stepped in something slimy, but accepts, naming a time and place.

Thomas walks away and immediately begins to panic. He can't fight! He doesn't even own a gun! But when he pictures trying to withdraw the challenge or back down... he can't do it. Not unless that @%#%$ apologizes.

He runs to his Dad. He's been the only child regularly talking to him ever since the pamphlet, so Roman can't immediately tell something's wrong. But then he sees the familiar fire in his eyes and realizes sadly that it turns out Thomas really is his son after all.

He counsels Thomas (his little Tommy, how is this happening?) to fire in the air to show he's been satisfied of his complaint.

“Don't risk taking a life, son - it's not worth it. Promise me, Thomas. Don't give your Papa another heartbreak."

"Okay, I promise."

"Come back home when you're done. Take my guns. And Thomas,” he hesitates, wanting to tell him to run, hard and fast. He wants to tell him to back down. But the set of Thomas’ chin tells him he may as well tell the boy to fly. “...be smart. Make me proud, son."

Shaking with nerves and anger, Thomas meets the rude man the next morning. He's still polite, following all the etiquette. And then his opponent fires on the count of seven. Of all the times to find out the bigoted speaker from your college is also a marksman.

Roman arrives at the doctor's still panting from the sprint over. It's all his fault. He knows it is. Thomas is pale, too pale, and the bandages around his middle are not.

"Hey, Dad," he says weakly, coughing. "I... I did just as you said. I did just what I promised."

"I know, I know, Thomathy. Shhh, save your strength."

"Why did he still fire, Dad? I was aiming for the sky, I was..."

"I know you were, Tommy. I know. You did everything right, just rest easy, okay?"

Logan takes care of all their children so that Patton can get to the doctor, too. He sprints, and he is already crying the minute he enters. He makes eye contact with Roman, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, definitely-responsible-for-all-this Roman, and glares.

"Who did this, Roman? What did you know about it?"

Thomas interrupts before Roman can answer. "Papa - I'm sorry..."

"Thoma-llama, no, nonono, it's not your fault," Patton says, immediately at his side, gentle and soothing, holding his hand tight.

"Do you... do you remember piano lessons, Papa?"

"Of course I do, kiddo. You always changed the melody, because you liked it more." He smooths the boy's hair. He is still a boy. Only 19, barely out of college, so sheltered, and now....

Thomas laces his fingers through Patton's, the way they did when he was 6 and still learning how to reach the keys. He hums the tune they always played, and Patton hums along, his voice breaking in his throat. Roman stands off to the side. He can't interfere in this moment. Patton was the Papa who mattered - actually there for their children when they needed him. Actually a father. Roman never spent enough time and now... he's out of time.

Patton holds Thomas tight, long after his time is gone. If he can just hug him tight enough, it won't be real. How can he believe this is real? It's... it is unimaginable.

~~~~~~~~

Roman and Patton move numbly through life. Logan is not emotionless, no, but he powers through. He helps the family move from the house where Thomas was born, relocating further uptown. Hiding from the shadows, and the memories.

Roman is utterly and thoroughly a broken man. He ruined his career, his hurt both his husbands, he's burned his friendships, and his family is shattering. He shuffles around the city in a daze. He accompanies his remaining children to school and lessons. He eats mechanically at the dinner table. And all it takes is the slightest reference to Thomas for him to fall apart.

Patton is too connected to the children to shut down, and they know him well enough to not expect the same happy pappy Papa. He's just a little bit colder. A little bit sharper around the edges. More easily startled. Valerie, who was always the closest with Papa, climbs into his lap all the time. She knows he needs affection the most right now. The younger kids make crafts for him, and they sing his favorite songs. If only his favorite songs hadn't been Thomas' favorites, too.

One night, after the children are asleep, Roman finds Patton staring blankly into the distance in the living room.

"I... I know I don't deserve you, Patton. But could you just... listen, if you will let me? Just knowing you can hear... that would be enough."

Patton doesn't turn or nod, but his eyes shift. He can hear. He's not moving away.

"If... If I could spare his life, Pat. If I could trade his life for mine, he'd be here now, and you would be smiling and... that would be enough for me. I know there's no way that can happen - we can't replace what we've lost, but... if you could just let me stay here, in this house. At your side. That would be enough."

The refrain might have broken Patton's heart, if he had enough left to break. But instead, without looking, he takes Roman's hand in his. He might not say it now, or ever, but he needs every family member now. That's enough to forgive him.

Patton needs both his loves. And Logan can understand that, can forgive Patton for forgiving Roman. But he hasn't let go of his anger with their husband. Not yet. Logan blames Roman a little more than Patton does, even though he knows it's unfair. but casting blame is easier than looking inwards, at his own flaws, at where Thomas might have gotten his stubbornness and hotheadedness.

It seemed like there would be years to be mad at him, for Roman to prove he'd changed, to learn to forgive. Patton knew Logan was beginning to come around, as Roman rededicated himself to his family. Seeing Roman so gentle with Patton and the children, Logan starts to feel the seed of something there again. But not all seeds are destined to grow. And some don’t grow fast enough.

~~~~~~~~

Even in the face of hearts shattering and families breaking, the indifferent world keeps spinning. Even in the face of personal devastation, the thrum of politics doesn’t quit.

Virgil is running for president in a crowded primary, against one of Roman's most antithetic rivals. But he won't take any positions. Too nervous about being rejected, he continues to hedge, and compromise, and avoid hard stances. He's learned how to hide behind a charming mask. He talks to people, and smiles and laughs, and buries his nervousness behind bluster (Who is he modeling his bluster after? The former prince of pride, of course). He's openly campaigning. It's new. And honestly, it's more than a little draining.

But the convention comes to a dead tie, and the only person left in the party who's able to weigh in is Roman. Despite his numbness, he's never forgotten why he cared so much about wanting to help his country. He still believes in its people and its promise. So after the 20th letter asking for his opinion... he declares publicly that he supports Virgil's opponent.

"What the fuck?"

"What?"

"You supported him? Over me? Really?"

"He had positions. And beliefs. I don't know what yours are."

“At least I have morals.”

The rage simmers, hot and itchy below his skin. Who is Roman of all people to act better than him? To casually derail his biggest ambition? He asks for an apology, and acknowledgment, anything. Roman responds with a literal list of issues on which they've disagreed, "any one of which I could use as equal basis to oppose your candidacy."

The barbs fly back and forth, neither man backing down, apologizing, or conceding a point. Virgil, for the first time, feels entirely compelled to act, the quiet voice telling him to 'wait' strangely absent.

“I'll see you at Weehawken, at dawn, Mr. Hamilton. Bring your pistols."

Roman wakes Patton by accident that morning, sitting at his desk, writing.

"Ro, come back to bed, please?" his wonderful husband asks sleepily. "What are you writing?"

"Nothing you need to worry about yet, love. I just... I have an early meeting. In New Jersey. I'll... see you later, okay?"

Patton nods and is snoring again by the time Roman's walked to the door. He takes a look back, and returns to the bed to softly kiss Patton's temple. He walks past Logan’s bedroom, too. He’s not yet been allowed back, even as Patton spends as many nights there as with Roman. But knowing what he’s about to do, he stops and steps in, quietly.

Logan is so much softer when he sleeps, and Roman's heart fills as he sees the slight smile. He carefully, softly, so gently it can't be felt, places a kiss on Logan's cheek. He can't wake him, can't ask for forgiveness beforehand. That would be leaning on guilt and fear, and he would never manipulate his love in that way. So he just writes a letter.

He doesn't address it with a name, but leaves it in the kitchen where both Patton and Logan will find it. On the outside of the folded letter, in Roman's bold hand, is one phrase for both his hearts:

“Best of husbands, Best of men"

~~~~~~~~

Staring at his one-time friend in the cold, misty air, Roman tries to remember the vigor he used to feel. The fire of wanting to defend himself. The burning passion of being right. He can't find it in himself anymore. But he recognizes it in Virgil's eyes.

Virgil’s anger has changed from a cold weight in his chest to a fiery stream spewing from his mouth and pen, the fire before the smoke of his pistol. He is driven by his age-old hunger, yes, but by another need, too: that this man will not make an orphan of his son.

Is it a selfish need? Of course. Roman's children will lose a father. But they'll have two left over if he falls, while Emile, Jr. would be utterly alone. And even if his pride lets Virgil concede, his love for his son won't.

For once in his life, Roman thinks and reacts a bit too slowly. Both combatants follow the proper steps, but he doesn't decide where to aim his pistol until the count has already reached 9. And Virgil is shaking with anger still when the his finger depresses the trigger on 10.

Of all the times not to miss.

Just as he fires, he sees Roman lift his gun up, and up, and it's pointing towards the sky and WAIT!

The one time he should have hesitated more, and he didn't. He was too young and blind to see that Roman's approval would never have been enough, that his disapproval wasn't why he didn't feel accepted. The world could have been wide enough for both of them.

And now, history will remember him as just... a villain. He will always be remembered for what he destroyed, not what he made. He will always, always be the bad guy. The worst part is he agrees. He thinks he deserves it. He shouldn’t have tried to act decisively, shouldn’t have gone against his regular actions

Patton and Logan can’t help resenting him. Politics isolates him. And just in case the universe wasn’t clear enough that his actions have consequence, he loses Emile. Again.

His son dies at sea not two years later, and Virgil is left alone.

~~~~~~~~

Imagine, if you will, Logan and Patton drying their eyes and taking the remaining Hamilton children to Washington, D.C. Logan and Patton continue to campaign for the end of slavery, for President Washington’s monument to be completed. Logan brings the policy, Patton brings the heart. Logan shows how feasible it could be. Patton shows why it’s necessary.

By the time old age claims Logan, Patton is stronger, more able to live on his own. His children have grown, and he has too. Logan is buried next to Roman, back in New York, and Patton will join them one day. Them and Thomas, in the family plot.

But Patton looks at the world and asks, “What more can I do?”

He and Roman wouldn’t have been so well matched if he didn’t understand that need to help, to do more, to make a mark on the world around him. Patton and Logan would never have loved so deeply if Patton didn’t understand what it took to make real change happen. Patton’s mark just never had to be a huge, sweeping legacy. The smallest change in someone’s life could be enough.

Roman’s biggest weakness was never feeling like he was enough- because he never fit in. He never felt truly at home. So Patton looks at the children of the city and says, “I will build you a home.”

Patton visits Roman’s grave each year, and one year brings pictures

“Roman, love, can I show you what I’m proudest of?”

The orphanage.

“I established the first private orphanage in New York City. I help raise hundreds of children, and dear one- I get to see them growing up. In their eyes, I see you, Roman. I see you and your hunger, I see Thomas and his optimism, I see Logan and his brilliant mind. I see us, all of us. I see our family and our love.”

And there’s yet so much more he can do.

~~~~~~~~

Virgil draws back from the public life, invests in public libraries, and tries to do what he can to create scholarships and opportunities for young people like he’d been. Like Roman had been. One day, when he’s aged and grey, he gets a knock on the door of his New York home.

“Hello, pardon me, are you Virgil Burr, sir?”

“I, Uh. Depends who’s asking?”

“Oh sure, sir. My name is Patton Hamilton. I’ve been looking for you.”

Patton knows that no one, no one spent as much time with Roman on the intellectual side. No one knew his political approach quite so well. Virgil spent so much time studying it, trying to understand, and he knows every aspect. So when Pat wants to enshrine his husband’s political legacy, he knows who he needs to talk to.

If there’s one thing Patton is good at, it is forgiveness. And Virgil has needed it for so very, very long. He helps publish the book of Roman’s writing, his letters and treatises. He helps build the Hamilton library. He consults on the business side of the orphanage.

And Patton, at his annual gravesite visits, tells Roman. One year, Virgil comes with, once he’s finally convinced he won’t be interfering. He stares at the gravestone, throat tight, eyes full.

Finally, he manages to say, “I’m sorry, Ro.”

He leaves a quill at the base of the stone. And parchment to write on. He never visits again, but he doesn’t need to. He knows there’s nothing more to say.

~~~~~~~~

As Patton ages, and knows he’s reaching the end of his life, his only true regret is wondering, “Have I done enough? Will the world remember us, and you? Will they tell our story?”

But ultimately, that’s not what matters. What matters is that he has done his best, and that one day soon, he will see them all again. Logan, and Roman, and Thomas… it’s only a matter of time.

~~~~~~~~

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