#patton angst

Scrunching his eyes against the light coming in from around the curtains, he took in his surroundings. Plushies taking up half the bed, cute posters of cartoon animals on the walls, fairy lights and a pin board which could not physically fit any more photos on it. If this was Patton’s room, it was exactly how he would have imagined it. One question remained - how the actual fuck did he get here?

His vision was so blurry. Had he drank last night? His mind quickly concocted a story - he’d been out with his friends and had a bit too much, even for him, Patton had been in the library until the early hours, because of course he had, they’d bumped into each other on the street and he’d decided oh-so-kindly that Remus was in such a bad state that he couldn’t possibly let him go home alone, not even if it was entirely his own fault for drinking so sinfully excessively, and oh-so-generously gave up his own bed and oh-so-saintly spent the night on the sofa… yeah, right. If Patton had seen him that drunk, he’d probably give that disapproving expression, that little frown, almost a pout, and sarcastically wish him luck getting home. Or cross the street and ignore him altogether. And, besides, Remus now remembered he actually went to bed early last night, thank you very much, in his own bed after submitting an assignment at the last minute. What the fuck. What the fuck was going on.

The fatal moment of understanding came a few seconds later, when his eyes fell on a small wall-mounted mirror in the far corner of the room. He had to move slightly to be able to see himself. Or rather, see that he was not himself. Not his frame, much smaller and leaner. Not his hair, much thicker and curlier. Definitely not his pyjamas. What kind of crazy person wore a hoodie to sleep in April? The same psychopath who sets an alarm for 7am, of course. Patton Hart.

What the actual fuck. After few seconds of rummaging around, he discovered where those thick, round glasses were kept and put them on, returning to the mirror. Wow. Patton had bad bedhead.

Stumbling back in disbelief, he nearly tripped over something. He picked up a small rabbit plushie with pale blue clothes which looked very old and very loved. The poor bunny had obviously been in Remus’s… Patton’s arms when he woke up, and was thrown carelessly across the room in the commotion of turning off the alarm. He put it carefully back on the bed and sat beside it, bouncing his leg in agitation, trying to work out what the fuck to do.

—

When Patton awoke to silence, he didn’t even open his eyes. He squeezed them shut tighter, knowing he needed as much sleep as possible before his alarm. Something smelt a little off. Kind of smelt like… could you dream smells? Why would he be dreaming about… Patton didn’t know, he was too tired, he turned over and drifted back off to sleep…

——

What the fuck should he do?! Remus doubted there was any useful advice online about this, though he was tempted to add it to Patton’s search history anyway, for him to find later. Perhaps he should search for some other things too… he grinned to himself, thinking of how Patton would squirm as he tried to explain. Should he prank call people from Patton’s number? Switch around all his contacts? Take over his perfectly curated Instagram? The possibilities were endless.

But when he picked up Patton’s phone, the sound of beads jangling, his lock screen lit up and Remus actually focused on the picture. It was Patton and Roman on the beach that was a thirty minute drive from their college, hugging each other and both grinning from ear to ear. Suddenly he didn’t feel like meddling anymore.

Remus sighed heavily. He should probably get Patton ready for whatever the fuck he thought he needed to be awake at 7am for. He made his way over to the desk where Patton’s laptop sat, hoping to be able to access his calendar without a password. On the chair, he noticed some clothes neatly folded, ready for the day. Oh yeah. Getting dressed might be a good idea.

A blue polo shirt and brown cargos, his signature grey cat hoodie as the April mornings were still definitively chilly. Typical Patton. But not being in control of one’s own body was a special occasion! And, Remus believed, this called for a special outfit. He rifled through Patton’s wardrobe and quickly found what he was looking for. A knit jumper, the exact blue of Patton’s eyes. He wore it to Roman’s plays, to the Christmas party, in the beach trip photo - clearly it was one of his favourites. He paired it with some embroidered jeans which, in Remus’ humble opinion, suited Patton perfectly. He dressed quickly, keeping his eyes closed as much as possible. He admired his outfit choice in the mirror, wearing also a mischievous grin that looked entirely out of place on Patton’s face. What could he add to this ensemble? He could give the perfect boy a tattoo. Or a piercing… actually, Patton had mentioned wanting his ears pierced but not being allowed, something about heart problems, maybe killing the little guy was a step too far.

Now, to sort out that bedhead, because even someone as utterly careless as Remus wouldn’t let him leave the house looking like that. Patton’s hair was just as soft as it looked. He probably had a seventeen-step hair routine. Probably learnt it from Roman. Remus hoped that whatever this fuckery was wouldn’t last, because Lord knew he was unable to maintain that kind of bullshit, but he still hated the thought of Patton’s lovely curls being sad and uncared for.

——

Patton opened his eyes again, this time feeling slightly more awake. Immediately after sitting up and rubbing his eyes he realised three things almost at the exact same time:

1. This was not his room.

2. He could see perfectly without glasses on.

3. His feet were way too far away from him.

Had he been changed in the night? This was some seriously Alice-in-Wonderland shit. Could this be his room? Had his roommates snuck in while he slept and somehow managed to change all his decorations? Including hang a massive progress pride flag on the wall? He had to take that down - his mother was coming to visit this weekend and if she knew he was … Patton froze. He’d stood up in a panic and began to pace and the floor was so far away. He ran a hand through his hair and it didn’t feel right, the hand or the hair. What was happening? Who had done this to him? He searched his unfamiliar surroundings for a mirror but couldn’t find even a little one, finally he grabbed the phone on the bedside table and scrambled to get the camera open and what he saw made him want to scream but he slapped a hand to his mouth just in time.

At least it was a face he recognised. The moustache, the remains of yesterday’s eyeliner not properly removed, Patton had never seen those bright, overconfident green eyes full of fear before.

Nothing could ever have prepared him to look at his reflection and see the face of Remus Kingsley staring back at him. The last face he wanted to see.

No… no, it couldn’t be! This had to be a nightmare!

———

Remus was so good at this shit. He’d managed to get access to Patton’s timetable, had scrawled the day’s activities, times and locations on a piece of paper he could refer to later, fed Patton some jam on toast for breakfast (what kind of university student was affording fucking Crofters?), brushed his teeth, packed his bag including his lunch (pre-prepared the night before in a tupperware he recognised as it was Roman’s originally), and set off towards campus. And still running ahead of schedule! What did Patton think he needed all this time for in the morning?

There were only a few people in the lecture room when he got there, one of them being that nerd in the blue tie - shit, what was his fucking name?

“Salutations, Patton.”

Shit shit shit, Remus had seen this guy before, Pat brought him along to Roman’s party, he left early, what was his name what was his name what was his

“Patton? Are you quite alright?”

Logan! That was his name!

“Yeah Logan, I’m good.” Remus leant back in his chair. He was amazing at this.

The other man’s eyes narrowed behind his square glasses. Shit. That didn’t sound like Patton at all, did it? Remus fought the urge to turn around and walk out right then and there. He hadn’t realised, and definitely should have, that the day on campus would be the world’s most soul-sucking 9-5, involving Remus having to act his ass off to convince students and professors alike that he was the real Patton. The star student, the helpful classmate and responsible, caring friend, not some impostor who for some unknown reason had been cursed Freaky Friday style to live Patton’s Perfect Life! Except it was Tuesday.

“Are you certain?” Logan asked, eyebrows raised in concern. “Not to imply you are willingly communicating a falsehood,” he added quickly.

Remus cleared his throat. Here went nothing.

“Yeah, kiddo, sorry! Just a teensy bit tired today. This semester is really taking it out of me. Don’t you worry about me, though!”

A big smile, dimples and all, sealed the deal. Give him a fucking Oscar already.

“Yes, the workload is elevated compared to previous semesters. Is it the essay you’re struggling with?”

“Gosh, well, it’s just… it’s everything, really! I’ve started the essay, but I’m not sure my points are really what the professors are looking for, and the lectures are so tough at the moment. Who knew psychology could be so… mind-boggling, am I right?”

Got a pun in there, perfect. Make way, Janus, there was a new Master of Deception in town! Except Remus knew he couldn’t get away with being vague, Logan was about to ask him technical questions about psychology which he, an art student, was in no way equipped to answer, and was about to announce he needed the bathroom when he was saved by the arrival of someone else into their conversation. He had no trouble remembering Virgil’s name, no mistaking that purple hoodie and dark eyeshadow, but the wordplay he used to remember it was a pun he doubted Patton would make.

“Hiya, Virge, how are you today?” A little wave, surely even Roman would praise these acting choices.

“Oh, you know, the usual.” They smirked as he took their seat next to Patton.

Did he greet his friends every day with all the enthusiasm of a tumblr text post from 2013?Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“Good morning, Virgil,” came Logan’s voice. “Patton was just expressing his anxieties about our academic work as of late.”

“Pat, if you’re anxious, that says a lot about how the rest of us should be feeling.”

“I don’t think that’s true, kiddo! I’m sure you’re doing great!” Remus patted Virgil’s shoulder. Patton seemed like the kind of guy to be affectionate with his friends, but it still felt weird for Remus to do it, and from the way Virgil tensed, he definitely noticed something was off.

“But there is no shame in not doing great, I’m sure you know this, Patton. Is it anything I can help with? We could go over the material together, or I could come with you to speak to Professor Sanders, I’m sure he’d be happy to offer you any support you -“

Fuck, how was Remus supposed to know that one throwaway comment about being tired would lead to the fucking Spanish Inquisition? Pat’s friends clearly fucking worshipped him.

“Logan, I’m fine, I promise!” Wait no fuck shit that came out too angry. He swore he even saw Logan flinch a little. Thank god the lecture was starting. End scene or whatever.

He tried to write down everything the Sanders guy said, but he talked way too fucking fast, and Remus’ mind quickly began to wander. Why had Logan been so concerned the moment Patton mentioned being a little bit tired? By the end he was hardly writing anything down. He hoped Logan and Virgil wouldn’t notice that either.

———

Patton was nearly twenty minutes into a panic attack and Virgil’s breathing exercises were doing absolutely nothing to help. Tears streamed down his face as he stifled his shallow, gasping breaths. Thank goodness he was an expert in how to have a breakdown quietly.

Why had this happened to him? What was happening to his body? What should he do? What should he do? What should he do what should he do what should he

His eyes fell on a pair of nearly-destroyed black headphones on the shelf and he was happy to discover they connected to Remus’s Spotify on his phone automatically. He dreaded to think what Remus usually listened to, he was only looking for one thing, the only thing that was certain to calm him down.

Remus would know someone had messed with his account, but Patton didn’t care as he finally found something like calm when the Steven Universe soundtrack filled his ears. He sat with his eyes closed, listening to Pearl’s wisdom about how real strength came from within, but he snapped back to his senses when a song, still from season one, gave him more clarity than he’d had all morning.

“I’ve never seen you look like this before

Isn’t it nice to find yourself somewhere different?

Why don’t you just let yourself just be whoever you are?”

Remus would probably call it a stupid kids’ show. But Steven was always there for Patton, somehow always had the right advice for him.

Patton then decided that he was going to live Remus’s life as well as he possibly could. Focus on what he could actually control. He could not control what was happening to his own body in the meantime. And, besides, ignorance was probably bliss. Right? Right. He could deal with it later. He could deal with everything. But the prospect of some time free from his responsibilities? To see what someone else’s life was like? Sue him, he was more than a little tempted.

So. What should he do?

No, seriously, what did Remus do all day?

Patton realised how little he knew about his best friend’s brother. He was an art student? But Patton probably could have guessed that anyway from the abstract painting which sat on an easel in the corner of the room. A swirling mixture of foresty shades of green. It was pretty, though Patton didn’t claim to understand it at all. He didn’t dare touch Remus’s masterpiece. It was probably for his end of semester grade. In fact, just being in the same room as it made him a little nervous. Maybe he should get outside.

What did Remus do all day? He still hadn’t answered the question. He rode a bike? It was his method of transportation, but maybe he rode it for fun sometimes as well? It sounded fun to Patton, anyway.

Before he knew it he was wearing Remus’s green helmet and speeding towards town, down the hill way too fast, God knows he could never do this in his own body. He laughed way too loud and didn’t care who heard him, it was sort of nice to feel so free for once.

That feeling didn’t last long before he was struck by a horrible realisation. What if he met himself, met Remus while in the busy town centre? Would Remus yell at him for messing with his stuff?

Would he think to go there? Patton’s anxiety was somewhat placated by the fact that he had never seen Remus emerge before lunchtime, the other man had probably shut off the 7am alarm and gone straight back to sleep. But, just to be safe, Patton decided to head somewhere quieter. He decided to take Remus to one of his favourite spots, a trail through the woods he was convinced only he knew about.

————

By the end of the day, Remus was aching practically everywhere from the waist down, in ways he thought only old people could ache. It had started to creep up slowly before lunch, he could almost ignore it until it got louder and louder as Remus practically dragged Patton’s aching body from class to class, barely possessing the energy to keep up his acting.

Was Patton sick? Hurt? He felt Patton‘s left hip grind against its socket with every step he took back towards the house, hoping he remembered the way. This couldn’t be normal. And yet Pat had never mentioned it in all the time they’d spent together. Which was a fair amount, given Patton’s best friend was Remus’s brother. Maybe Patton just didn’t want Remus to get to know him well.

Remus arrived back at Patton’s house starving but almost in too much pain to continue standing. The pain was dull and throbbing and unlike anything he had ever felt before. Was this how Patton felt every day when he got home? And then had to cook and do chores and study and do volunteer work and hang out with friends and do all the other things that were necessitated by being Mister Perfect? Remus didn’t know if he even had the strength to make it back up the stairs to Patton’s room.

————

Patton couldn’t believe how much energy he still had when he arrived back at the house. He’d ran around the woods, climbed trees, seen bunnies and deer and luckily spent hours without encountering another human being, without anyone having any expectations of him, as Remus or as himself. And this had taken seemingly no toll on Remus’s body. No aches and pains, no exhaustion, literally nothing. Apart from the fact he was now very, very hungry.

What did Remus have to cook with… which stuff in the kitchen was even his… suddenly, ordering food seemed very tempting. As long as he kept it as cheap as possible, he hoped Remus wouldn’t mind a small hit to his bank account, and luckily Face ID was working. Patton supposed Apple had never accounted for circumstances such as these.

As he sat on the green sheets, eating pizza and hugging his knees in a way Remus had probably never sat before in his life, Patton had been aware for a while that, after his joy ride over the hills of town and through the woods, poor Remus did stink just a little bit. He had been diligently avoiding Remus’ roommates but even more diligently avoiding, if he possibly could, the need to shower, although he was not sure how much longer this could reasonably last.

Patton prayed that whatever this was would be over again tomorrow morning, as suddenly and bizarrely as it had started. For all it creaked and ached, He wanted his own body back. Needed his own life back. Patton had spent the entire day assuming Remus was in his body, trying to dispel anxieties about what he couldn’t control, but then the thought occurred to him that he had no real reason to believe his assumption was true. Perhaps his body was still lying empty and vacant in his bed, like Reese Witherspoon in that movie he and Roman watched… Just Like Heaven, was that its name? But then where was Remus? Was his spirit restlessly wandering the city? Could he be a ghost if neither of them were dead? No, because then he would definitely have come to haunt Patton by now, even when in his own body one of Remus’s favourite hobbies was giving Patton a fright.

He supposed that was the only explanation, then. Remus had been living Patton’s life all day, and was definitely doing a horrible job of it. He would have to explain his absence - Remus wouldn’t have managed to get him to class on time, couldn’t do all the studying he had planned for that day. Remus didn’t even know it was routine to kiss every one of his plushies before bed, Hoppy (his childhood rabbit) last. If Remus was really in his body… Patton sighed. He was probably strong enough to deal with the pain. He had probably laughed it off like it was nothing and gone to the gym or something and would brag about it next time they saw each other. He was probably using Hoppy as a ping-pong ball.

—————

The pain improved a little as Remus sat down on Patton’s bed, next to the old rabbit again. He’d found an ample supply of medication in Patton’s room, but he had no idea about dosage and didn’t dare put any drugs into a body that wasn’t his. But Remus did not doubt that at least some of these Patton probably needed to take daily, and maybe this neglect was why all these aches had grown throughout the day. If he texted his own phone, would Patton respond? He would probably freak out, he was probably meant to take some of these in the morning, maybe some at lunch… Remus, quickly going in the direction of in-too-much-pain-to-think-straight eventually found paracetamol. Surely Patton couldn’t begrudge him for taking some of that. What if Patton woke up back in his own body tomorrow and he was still in this much pain, or even more, because of Remus’ carelessness? He needed to give poor Patton some dinner as well. But standing up to cook would only tire Pat’s body out even more so Remus did not feel up to doing that. Ordering pizza seemed like the best option, even if it would cost some of Patton’s money. From what Remus had seen today, all his nice clothes, the latest iPad and even a couple of designer perfumes, Mister Rich Boy would probably be fine.

With the pizza and paracetamol thoroughly consumed, Remus now felt very sleepy. When he was just on the verge of sleep he remembered something. He grabbed the rabbit and hugged it to his chest, wanting Patton to have his childhood toy close if they swapped back in the morning.

He didn’t set an alarm though. He’d decided Patton deserved a lie-in. And he didn’t want another rude awakening if he was still in Patton’s body come the morning.

—————

The next day, Patton opened his eyes incredibly slowly, almost afraid of what he might see.

Blue bedsheets. Fairy lights on the walls. Something soft pressed against his cheek… Hoppy!

Patton jumped out of bed and continued to jump for joy, hugging and kissing Hoppy, whom he never ever wanted to be apart from ever again.

He shuffled over to his bedroom mirror to confirm… yep, he was himself again! That horrible trick, whatever it was, was over!

He grabbed his phone, filled with extra willingness to take on the day, to repair what damages had been done, and was greeted with no less than seventeen missed calls from Virgil.

Upon calling back, his friend picked up after two rings.

“Pat! Pat, are you ok? You weren’t in class this morning, we’re really worried.”

Just… just this morning? Patton glanced at the time. 12:17pm. Jesus. Remus had obviously neglected to set his alarm, but… Virgil wasn’t asking where Patton was yesterday? Only today? Did Remus actually make it to class? He must have acted strange, that must be why Virgil sounded so worried, but this was way more than he’d expected of the man he sometimes thought must be nocturnal.

“Pat? You alright, bud?”

For a very brief moment, Patton thought about telling him the truth. Would anyone believe him? Would Logan? Would Roman?

“I’m fine, Virgil! Just overslept! I’ll be there this afternoon, don’t you worry, kiddo!”

No. No, he wouldn’t be mentioning it to anyone.

——————

They didn’t meet until over a week later. Patton did that thing where he very obviously clocked Remus then very deliberately moved to the other side of the street. He knew he’d left his room a mess but come on. Did Patton seriously not want to talk about Freaky Tuesday?

“Pat! Patton!” He called across the street, waving frantically.

“Oh! Hello!” Patton said, accompanied by the most forced smile Remus had ever seen. He hoped Patton hadn’t been forced to act much on that fateful day, because clearly he was fucking awful at it.

“How have you been?” Remus asked pointedly.

“I’ve been good! What about you?” somehow Patton’s smile was even more false than before.

“You’ve been good?” Remus cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah!”

“You’ve been good and normal?”

“Mm-hm!”

“Normal and not weird?”

“Nope!”

“Nothing weird happened to you lately?”

“Nuh-uh!” But Patton was looking at the floor now.

“Not even last Tuesday?”

“Umm…”

“AH-HA! So it did happen to you too!” he almost shrieked.

“Remus, keep your voice down! Yeah, it did, but it seems to be back to normal now! So… it’s all okay? I’ll see you later?” He turned to go.

Remus sighed, defeated.

“Was it really that bad to be me for a day?”

Patton stopped in his tracks, paused for a long moment and finally said,

“No, actually. I rode your bike.”

Remus smiled. “I could tell you’d moved it.”

Another awkward silence. Remus forced himself to ask the question that had been eating at his mind for nine days.

“Pat… and you don’t have to answer this…”

Patton already felt the colour rise to his cheeks.

“By the end of the day, I felt like… is that normal for you?”

“Some days, yeah.”

“I… I could never tell.”

Patton shrugged.

“You don’t have to hide it, you know. Does it hurt right now?”

“Not really, but I can feel it starting to.”

“Please go home and rest.”

“Yeah, I think I’m actually gonna. Being you taught me I need rest days sometimes. If I try and push through it makes it ten times worse.”

Being Patton had taught Remus some valuable lessons, too. But his heart broke as he realised that being in Remus’ body had maybe given Patton one of the first pain-free days of his life.

“Ok. That sounds like a good idea.”

Remus clearly wasn’t wanted here. He turned to leave, and was just contemplating what he should eat for dinner when he heard Patton’s voice call after him.

“Re, wait!”

He turned around just in time for Patton to practically run into him. Oh, wait - this was a hug? Patton was hugging him?

“I’m sorry,” he said into Remus’ shirt.

“What for?”

“For acting like a real…” Patton visibly struggled to find a word “…b-hole towards you! I thought you’d be careless in my body. But… I got to class the next day and no one asked me where I’d been. You didn’t trigger a bad flare-up. I woke up hugging Hoppy! You… actually looked after me! If anyone was careless, it was me!”

“You rode around on my bike and ordered pizza? Pat, were they really the most careless things you could think of to do? Sounds like an average day in my life! Do you think you should’ve worked on my painting? Wanted to feel productive, Patty?”

“No, of course not, I wouldn’t dream of -“

“Yeah, correct answer! In fact, if you’d touched it I would’ve bashed your little head in with that spike ball prop thing from Roman’s show!”

Patton looked completely horrified.

“Joking! Pat, of course I’m joking, don’t look like that!”

“Sorry!”

“And stop apologising so fucking much! I don’t even work on the painting every day, only when I feel inspired. Some days I just… do nothing! Sounds like you needed a rest day, too. Like you actually had fun, even by my standards! Well… apart from the going to sleep early. And sober. But other than that, sounds like we both did what the other would normally do. Sounds like… actually, we know each other pretty well.”

He thought of suggesting that they should get to know each other better some time, but maybe he’d save that for when Patton wasn’t having a flare-up.

Tentatively, Remus’ hand found Patton’s curls, even softer than he remembered. Patton’s little sigh was all the answer he needed for right now.

Maybe all of this had been for a reason.