#desleep

“It- it’s fine. I can like clearly walk without it. I’m not feeling anything”

They had that slightly glazed over look in their eyes they always had when they had to actively zone out from their body to manage the pain. The smoke from their cigarette got mixed with the fog leaving their mouth from how cold it was. Their legs were shaking from the winds and the pain even if they tried to hide it.

“You can borrow my jacket as well if you’d like. Excuse the scales stuck in it, it was from my werewolf like transformation which I of course have every month”

Remy forced themself to not laugh. They rolled their eyes before grabbing their cane from his hands “Better than not having it I guess” They motioned for waving him away “You can go now”

“Actually I put a handcuff on both of our wrists and threw away the key while you were talking so I can’t leave” Janus replied “It’s invisible but not to the laws of physics” 

They blew some of the cigarette smoke into his face before walking away. Janus coughed but still tried to keep up with them. He had to half run to not get left behind.

“How come you can suddenly walk fast” He mumbled.

“You’re so annoying” They spat back.

“Indeed, that’s how I’m still friends with Remus. Mutual annoyance!” Janus did his best to not let it get to him. They were just lashing out he reminded himself.

“At least Remus isn’t in some made up conspiracy with his stupid fucking boyfriend”

“I do believe it would be quite hard for him to be since he doesn’t have a boyfriend”

Remy suddenly stopped. They turned towards him and threw their arms out “You can just yell at me okay?! Like I get I was rude so just get it over with instead of trying to make me like think you won’t yell at me!”

Janus stopped as well. A cold feeling filled his chest “Remy I’m not going to yell at you”

“Very funny girl. Not the best time to be sarcastic but sure” They said it in kind of a bitchy tone but their shoulders slumped down and their body tensed to prepare for the berating.

“I’m not lying” He moved closer but they instantly flinched away “I would never want to intentionally hurt you, that includes yelling at you. And if I ever accidentally hurt you, which I fear I already have, I would actually appreciate if you told me so instead of just assuming I will hurt you”

“You should” They stared into his eyes as they said it. Their hands had moved into shaky fists.

“I should throw this jacket around you before you catch a cold you shaking stick”

Janus did a horrible attempt at throwing the jacket. It landed right on top of Remy’s head as if they were a coat hanger. 

“Oh- oh sorry” 

Jan awkwardly moved forward to snatch the jacket away but Remy threw it away before he could. It landed on the cold grass. 

“Not a thrower huh” Remy muttered while getting ready to walk away.

They took another blow from their cigarette. It took a moment before Janus realized that if they’d kept their cigarette in their mouth that meant the jacket was- OH FUCK FIRE!

A part of the jacket had caught on fire and was spreading it over to the grass. Remy and Janus glanced at each other before both jumping onto the jacket in blind panic. They stomped around on the grass to get the fire out.

“Motherfucker!” Remy yelled at a piece of really determined fire grass while jumping up and down on it repeatedly. 

Finally when all of the fire had died down all that was left was both of them panting in the quickly darkening evening. Remy stumbled and sat down at the side of the pavement. It felt like electricity was burning along their spine. 

They felt the jacket be put around their shoulders before Janus sat down beside them. He didn’t say anything as he looked up at the sky. 

Remy lit another cigarette and took a long blow from it. “You’re looking to start another fire already? Impressive” Janus teased.

“Shut up”

“Noted”

Janus didn’t say anything more. He looked at the halloween decorations in the different windows. At the purple hues of the sky that had started to turn to dark blue. Remy kept shuddering.

They sat there until they’d finished their cigarette. They immediately took out a new one. The last one in the package. They muttered something under their breathe before lighting it.

“It just feels so whiny” Remy mumbled out, it was barely more than a whisper.

Janus titled his head to look at them “What?”

“It’s like. Obviously I hate your stupid ass Logie ‘cause he’s an asshole....but like I also feel kinda jealous I guess. Your relationship just seems to work out so perfectly. It doesn’t feel fair. And yes I know that makes me a dick”

“To be fair we haven’t been dating long enough to get out of the honeymoon phase” 

He thought for a bit before continuing, he tried testing the words around on his tongue so he wouldn’t upset them.

“Logan has actually come to work dead tired a few times after he and patty have stayed up all night talking things through after an argument. I assume eventually me and Lo will argue but even if we do I am certain we will talk it through afterwards until we’re both feeling better and so we know we won’t argue about the same thing again...if you get me? You- I don’t think arguing and then just not resolving never works. No one deserves that”

“Bad circle of arguments yeah”

They let the cigarette smoke flow out from between their teeth. Janus carefully glanced at them to see so he hadn’t said anything wrong. 

“I didn’t even like leave when he broke the cane” Remy suddenly said in a tired voice “It wasn’t until today when he like joked about and I just got upset for some stupid reason-”

“A good reason” 

“Yeah sure. So we like started arguing and I just kept seeing red kinda until he like kissed me and I know what he was trying to make the argument stop by fucking so he could say everything was fine and we didn’t have to talk about it anymore ‘cause it was in the past now. And usually I give in- or- fuck- no that sounds wrong- he doesn’t- I do want- or like no I don’t Want to but that’s just ‘cause I’m all fucked up when it comes to sex- I just- It’s not like I Don’t want to- It’s consensual! I promise!” They weren’t lying.

“I believe you” Janus replied.

They took a deep breathe before continuing “But i just like- I just got so tired of him Always brushing past the issues somehow! Either I start crying or he has a panic attack and I have to calm him down or we fuck and he makes me feel like the crazy one if I bring it up again! I just wanna talk it out! For once! It’s just like the same issues over and over! No matter how hard I try to keep the relationship together I Always mess something up again and ruin everything again!”

“....That does sound very annoying. I would have started drywall if I were you”

Janus’ chest warm when his stupid comment got a stressed out little chuckle from his crush.

“Yeah” They brushed their thumb up and down the skin of their other hand “I just can’t leave him”

“I...” Janus forced his words down “I’m not telling you to”

“Sure gal. Sure. Like. He. And” They looked out across the desolate road as if searching for how to get the tumble of thoughts out “We’ve been together so long I don’t know where I end and Virgil begin anymore”

“Oh”

“Yeah. I don’t remember how I lived without him. I dunno how I could ever survive without him. He was all I had for like so long” Their shoulders started to shake “I would have died if he wasn’t there. I know it. I know. It’s not even like a question. I don’t- I dunno”

Janus gently leaned his head against their shaking shoulder “Well I think you’re quite amazing for surviving at all. Whether it was because of Virgil or not”

Remy dug their fingers down into the skin of their thighs. They shut their eyes so tightly but the tears still spilled through. Their spine ached. It never stopped aching. 

“Even if it emotional abuse like you’re saying” Remy mumbled out through the tears “I don’t care. I honestly like- I don’t- I can’t”

Janus didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to even say. He carefully moved his arms their waist in a sort of half hug.

“I mean like I- it all feels so normal- abuse is like blood on the shoes and muffled hockey games playing on the tv while you’re crying and bruises around necks. The yelling and stuff is so like normal y’know so it’s not- It would be weird without it. I’m like such a stupid annoying mess of an overemotional burden I deserve it either way. I can like take Virgil yelling at me in exchange for not being all alone for the rest of my life”

Janus was completely caught off guard at comment of them being alone forever without their abuser. He looked up into their eyes that had turned red from tears.

“Why would I ever leave you?”

Remy looked back at him. They opened their mouth and then closed it again. There were so many reasons for why he should have left already. They didn’t know where to start.

“You- I would- I’m an asshole- I will like force you away” They choked out.

“Darling” Janus said it in that firm way, as if he was an aunt about to scold them for destroying a window “Do you even realize how much of a dick you were to Logan?”

“i- uh-”

“A very big one! I would even describe it as rude at times! But I can assure you that he has told me that even after that if you ever contacted him he would accept your friendship in a heartbeat! If he is ready for that do you seriously think me or Remus for that matter would leave you?? Have you met Remus??? He would murder a person for you! Several even! I would too!” (Specifically one emo fucker!)

There was a hint of blushing on Remy’s cheeks “He....he would?” They mumbled to themself.

“So my dearest Remy” He held them closer “As long as I am here I will make goddamn sure you won’t ever be alone! You can quote me on that!”

“Girl- Actually Bitch I’ve already cried you don’t gotta do all this”

“You can’t stop me!” Janus shone up into a sinister smile “Just you wait until I bring out my evil laugh”

“Don’t tell me your evil plan is to make me feel better”

“Actually it’s to make you feel loved but close enough!”

“Well I am a known mind reader so like of course”

Janus let up into a laugh. He churned his forehead against their shoulder like a cat showing affection. Remy leant their head on top of his. His hair made a good pillow.

“I still won’t leave him” Remy mumbled out into his hair.

Janus forced all of his rage back. All of the counter arguments. All the threats towards their bitch of a boyfriend.

“Okay” Was all he got out “Okay”

“I love him. He loves me. We take care of each other. I need him”

“I care about you dear” Janus searched for their hand “I want you to know that, and I want you to not forget it” He felt their cold fingers weave together with his “And if you ever need a place, for a night, for a week, for months, you can come to me at any moment. Or if you simply need to vent. You can even call me to come help you if- if anyone ever- anyone treats you like don’t deserve to be treated, because darling you deserve so incredibly much”

Remy let out a small chuckle “I already know I can crash at your place girl”

“No Remy seriously”

Janus took both of their hands in his. Their fingers intertwined. Their eyes met. He looked dead serious. Like his life hung on this. 

“If you told me to run away with you I would do it in a heartbeat”

He’d never seen Remy blush this hard. Their mouth moved in that way where it was obvious they were holding back a grin. They melted on the inside but they didn’t say that. Didn’t say how hard their heart was beating either.

They leant forward a pressed a kiss to his cheek, right by his lips. Any more than that and the guilt would eat them alive.

Remy leant back and looked down at him “I won’t, but I appreciate it”

“I will always be here for you. In any way. If you ever decide to leave I am ready to support you in Any way you need”

“I know”

“I care about you more than you can imagine”

“I know gal”

“I- I lov-”

“I know” They smiled “I know”

Janus didn’t know in what way they meant that. He dusted his clothes off before getting up. The sky had fully darkened. The tears had dried on Remy’s cheeks. 

He picked up their cane and gave it to them. Their cigarette laid long forgotten on the ground. He held out his hand.

“Rowan is probably worried. Do you want to go back? Have that sleepover?”

When janus got to the place the therapy was held he was over 10 minutes early like usual. He got anxious otherwise. Remy sat on the parking bench outside smoking. They’d just gotten done with their therapy.

When they saw him they took off their sunglasses to look at him better. They put out their cigarette before taking their cane and hurrying up to him. 

“Look at you Janny boy! JanJan! Janiga! Janice! You’re looking tots super good girl! Why the change? You killed your ex husband didn’t you? Took his money?”

“Yes. I put poison in his drink and let the maiden he had been cheating with find the body” Janus replied “A.....friend told me to”

“Classy”

Janus couldn’t help but blush. He hadn’t thought someone as beautiful as Remy would ever think of him as anything but gross “It totally wasn’t meant to be goth but well I have no makeup so I am more like a pretentious emo”

“Oh I know loads of those!” 

They took his hand. HOLY SHIT THEY TOOK HIS HAND. And quickly led him over to the bench. They sat him down and started looking around in their bag. He could see several bottles of pills in it, a knife and also all kinds of makeup.

“don’t worry girl! I always got some makeup with me for emergencies! Y’know I don’t wanna wear it unless my boyf is in a good mood but you never know. Alright you want like a trad goth or more like casual?”

“Never tried makeup before. Anything works!”

“Aight girl. Gotya!”

They cupped his cheek to bring his head closer. Janus could feel their cold breathe against his skin as they leaned in and instructed him to close one of his eyes. The brush strokes were so so light against his skin, it almost tickled.

Remy looked so focused it made Janus’ blushing even worse. All he could think about was how easy it would be to lean in and kiss them. Instead they took out an eyeliner pencil and carefully drew dark wings that covered his entire eyelid.

“Sawry but I don’t have any black lipstick. Is red fine? Is red the viiibbee?” 

“R-red’s fine! It’s my favorite color!” (it wasn’t) “Same color as my murdered husband’s blood!” Janus babbled out.

“That’s the spirit girl!!”

They brushed their thumb over his bottom lip before putting the lipstick on. They took out another brush and grabbed onto the hair at the back of his head.

“Can you lean your head back a little? I just wanna make sure your cheeks stand out since they already look like a dream” He of course did as told “Good boy”

Janus choked on air. He coughed pretending like it was because of the smoke still surronding Remy. They looked at him with a smile. It didn’t quite look like they were smiling at him but not completely like they were smiling along with him either.

“Alright. All done!”

They held up their phone on mirror mode so he could look at himself.....oh goD HE WAS HOT!!! For once he couldn’t only see imperfections. He just looked...good. Chill, laidback, good.

“Thanks” Janus said, a bit breathlessly.

Remy leaned their chin on his shoulder “I tried to give you a gothic Jessica Rabbit kinda eye! She’s my fav character like ever! She made me start trying feminine things”

“Oh no you totally failed. It looks horrible!” He said sarcastically.

“So true girl! It’s pretty stupid but I kinda like relate to her a lot. Like the whole I’m not bad I’m just drawn that way thing. I mean you of course know this with how you are but people will just assume things when they’re attracted to you”

Janus’ eyes widened “You- You think I would be able to relate to that??” 

They twirled his hair between their fingers. They had a soft smile on their face “’course girl!....I kinda like thinking of myself as Jessica and my boyf as Roger” They forced a fake chuckle “Y’know so many people have assumed I’m cheating on him”

“I can’t assume! I have a medical disease that makes it so I’m unable to assume!” Janus lied in a nervous flurry. He wanted to facepalm immediately afterwards. He was an idiot.

Remy laughed. A soft laugh. They closed their eyes and leaned their head back. Janus’ heart fluttered just hearing it.

They stretched their fingers one by one while their laughter died down “My fingers are sore just from doing the makeup. That’s pretty pathetic huh”

Janus gently took their hands and cupped them between his own “Not at all. You’re able to come all the way here every week and everything which certainly isn’t pathetic. Being in pain is never pathetic” He gently blew onto their hands to try and warm them them thinking maybe that would help.

They froze up as if they weren’t used to anyone not agreeing with their negative talk “Girl I’m always drunk when I come here anyway! This coffee is like 2 thirds vodka! Can never do therapy sober. Pretty stupid”

He continued to gently massage their fingers “Of course not. I don’t know why you go or why you need the cane but it’s obviously not stupid”

“fibromyalgia” They replied “I mean that’s why I use the cane. It’s a chronic pain thing. The cane helps with some of the pain. I uh also have hypersomnia but that’s a whole different thing”

Janus sent them a warm smile “That sounds tough”

“Yeah” Their voice broke slightly “Yeah it is” 

They shook their head and moved their hands away. They forced a smile 

“Cute, funny And kind huh? No wonder you have a ‘boyfriend’. Speaking off him” Remy pointed over to Remus coming down the sidewalk.

Janus went into defense at the way they had said boyfriend, almost on instinct “He sure fucking is my boyfriend! Even if he doesn’t fully look like it in some people’s eyes he’s more of a man than I’ll ever be!”

Remy held their hands up to look innocent “Girl I’m literally trans, calm your snitties. I meant that I know you two ain’t actually going to couple’s therapy. I mean it’s like obvious, Just as obvious as Certain other things about you! You’re not a subtle person! What you actually doing?”

He wanted to facepalm even harder “We- uh-”

“Picani is secreltly a succubus and he helps us summon demons to have orgies with every week” Remus filled in.

“Aww babe no inviting meee?” Remy pouted “You don’t deserve me anyway” They got up. Janus handed them their cane “Well I best be going before my bae gets anxious about my bus chrashing. See you in your wet dreams!”

“Bye Rem” Remus waved.

“Bye Rem” Remy waved back. They put their hand on his shoulder and leaned in “He’s good. Real good. You should keep him” They whispered before continuing to walk.

As soon as they had rounded the corner Remus sighed and collapsed onto the bench “They’re so pretty. I would sacrifice a goat for them”

Janus nodded along “Same”

Remus turned to him and whistled before punching his shoulder “And look at you looking like a nightmare! Which is a good thing!”

“Thanks”

“You better give me a goth makeover some time! If I already look good as a darkly clad horror I would kill, literally, as gothic”

Janus smiled “It’s a promise!”

“Great! Alright ready to fuck up Picani’s day?”