I have been struggling with the idea of sleep training my little one. I have always loved the attachment parenting concept, and it's what we have always done . With Bella we always had her at the hip, both Eli and I were both really good at making sure her needs were net and never did we really let her cry, she wasnt a crier though, she has always been so loved and felt safe. Even now she tells us how much she loves us and knows she is safe when we're around. We planned the same type of parenting style with Olivia.
Olivia is a bit more needy and a little more sassy, she is starting to throw tantrums. I notice when I take away something she shouldn't be playing with, she stops, looks at me and throws herself backwards then screams. She has done this to me quite a few times. Also, she cries if I put her down for a nap or at night for sleep. It's always a battle and her cries are overwhelming. She hasn't slept in her own room or crib, always co slept. Which I prefer because I love the closeness and to know she's ok. However Olivia is a crazy sleeper, she hits, kicks, whines, and moves around all areas of the bed. Eli stopped moving and sleeps like a hot dog (as he puts it) because we worries he might hurt her. I wake up all hours of the night to make sure she's ok, make sure Elijah isn't in her way, and of course to nurse her. I was struggling with exhaustion this week, with the diarrhea shes been having and cutting 2 molars, it's been a pain.
I took drastic measures and decided we needed to put her in her room. Exhaustion makes you do crazy things. It was a nightmare last night, she would not go to sleep and cried and cried. My heart was hurting, eventually eli went in a got her, he couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't either. She's not ready to sleep on her own and I'm not going to force it. I feel awful for even doing that. I don't know how I convinced myself it was a good idea. I felt overwhelmed by the house and cooking and the need to get some sleep, I decided I had to be strict. My family (mom and sisters) say its not normal that I always have her at the hip. They say "you're the boss, not her" .. but I love my girls and if she need to be with me at all times, then it is what it is. That's why I decided to stay home, not so I can watch tv all day.
I'm still so mad at myself and I'm extra cuddling my baby today. I left her while she cried out for me and that was not ok. I'll get sleep again, I'm sure. She'll eventually move herself out to her room. When she's ready. I'll never again impose society's opinions on getting her to sleep again. I felt overwhelmed and ashamed that I didn't have control.
We're back to normal today, she's right here in my bed, safe and secure next to her mama. I decided to bring my cup of coffee and watch her sleep while I randomly scroll online. Bella will be home from school later and we'll head to the park. Eli is off tomorrow and he said he will take the baby in the morning so that I can catch up on sleep, he sees how much I need a break. I don't have a village unfortunately. I'm alone here when eli is at work. 10 hour days can get lonely, hard, overwhelming... I don't have friends or family that can come over and hang with me, play with the baby as I wash the dishes or use the restroom. I'm on my own, and sin e we are on one income right now, eli picks up a lot of overtime. So, we have hard days. Somedays I can make a killer breakfast and rock my workout, other days I dont eat at all, drink cold coffee and chase Olivia mid push up. But in the end, my girls are happy and thriving and that's what it's about. ❤
