Where did the time go? 

It’s been a minute since I have actually sat down to write something. I have been so busy the last few months, from school to graduating, to working and being a mom. I recently quit my nursing job to dedicate myself full time to beauty. I can’t say it has been easy, trying to get clients and keeping them is tougher than I expected, especially since this is all so new to me. I have never worked for myself before, as exciting as I pictured it in my head, it’s actually very challenging. But, I am staying focused and positive. There are those who are making it, creating their business and living their dream … I can do it too. The key is just to keep going. 

I fell off the wagon when it came to working out, but I have my new routine mapped out for the new year, although I already started because why wait. I want to at least start preparing my body for what's to come because I plan on going hard. but definitely need to stay away from the sweets because they're my downfall, I try to have one but it always end up having 100 - not even joking. 

20 years ago I wanted to be a make up artist and beautician, I interviewed at schools, toured a few and almost signed up at a very lucrative school in Los Angeles. Unfortunately I backed out and I decided to start Nursing school instead. Nursing school was a great decision and gave me a great career in Hospice where I met some of the most important people in my life - my best friends. I earned good money, had 2 kids I was able to feed and keep safe, and learned a lot on my journey.

Being in quarantine or stay at home order made me think about what I wanted moving forward. I did some soul searching, journaling, and stayed up late nights imagining what I was going to do moving forward. Was going back to school to further my nursing career an option? Yes, of course! But is that what I truly wanted? No. :(

Yes, I'm 38 ... but I dont believe it's too late to follow my dreams. I played with this idea for the last 4 months, I looked at schools and I would get scared and back out. Obviously my phone knew my intentions and started sending me multiple IG accounts of women in the industry. I became more obsessed. I went on a follow binge of women who were estheticians in Arizona and I felt excitement. That same excitement I felt when I was 20!

So, I took the leap! I oficially start this Monday in my first class of Esthetics and I've never been so thrilled! My plans and goals that I have for this journey are immensely high and I'd love to share my experience with you! As a mom of 2 girls, 10 and 2 years old, I am sure it will have its challenges so I invite people who are inspiring and motivating to guide me through this process. We all need people!

You have no idea the excitement that I have right now.

To anyone reading this, my advice to you is to follow your passion! Don't settle. Don't worry about the how, if you want it... it will come, it really will.

Right now I'm so cozy, I have a list of movies I want to watch ( if I make it through this one I'll be happy) and I have red vines in my hand. 😘 I love all 80s and 90s movies, I'm currently watching " The hand that rocks the cradle" one of my absolute favorite and then I'm going to watch "Fatal Attraction " ... hmmm, I see that I kind of have a theme tonight 👀 😂 (crazy bitch?) Haha

Excited for this week! I have an appointment with a school I am interested in to start my new venture! Yes yes, I'm am starting over guys! So excited and ... impatient honestly. But like I told my daughter today, we need to plan for the future but live in the present (not my quote ... I read that somewhere & it stuck with me). Some might say how can I leave the healthcare industry ~ and it's honestly just not for me. But I'm not telling me family anything about my plans because I like to call them the "dream killers" . I don't need the negativity or the "you shouldn't " in my life right now. I'm way to stoked and excited, I have this fire in me that's just waiting to burn shit up!

The movie is getting really good, and Rebecca De Mornay is freaking unbelievably gorgeous, but evil AF. I love her in this movie. "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world".

I'm happy with my life, I have a great relationship, my girls are healthy and we've been safe. But, the last few years I've been dealing with anxiety, debilitating anxiety and I started drinking alcohol to help ease my nights. I progressively got worse and really just dug myself in a deeper hole. I have driving anxiety, social anxiety and ended up just settling to stay home forever. Quarantine hit us hard and at first I was ok with it.

Hell yea, that's my jam!! We ALL have to Stay home?! Yes! Things were great, I was spending tons of time watching Netflix and being Mommy. But, soon enough I realized my nose was in my phone way too much and Drinking became daily and no longer fun. I started to feel a depression, a dark cloud over me.

The last year for me has been challenging as I realized that i wasn't content in my job. My career. I've mentioned before that I got into Nursing just to please my family but it was never my passion. Hey guys... don't do that.... PSA. I honestly wouldn't even want to be my own nurse. It's such a great and rewarding career, and anyone who does it everyday are true Angel's. Seriously. I love to see my friends x coworkers saving lives, it's fucking beautiful. Me? Oh god, where do I hide ?

I wanted to be a beauty artist once upon a time, but didn't go for it. It was my mom against me. Well, me and my boyfriend (hubby now) who told me to follow MY dream, but I didn't listen to him. I figured he was an idiot, we were 20, he didn't know better (eye roll). My mom knew what was best for me. So I did it. I became a nurse and got a really great job, had 2 kids and great!

Not great.

I'm constantly wondering if I missed out on BIG opportunities for my family. I FEEL like I'm not living my best life doing what I LOVE. I took the secure route and it keeps me up at night. I'm 38 now, and these last 6 months to 1 year being home has put a fire in me to make changes in my life. Because.... why not? Will I be the old chick in beauty school? Yea maybe. Will I be embarrassed and shy? Hell yea ... but, I wonder where this can lead me to ? My own salon or business? YES! having my daughters with me because I am all about my time with them? Ummm yes!

Please tell me I'm not fooling myself ? I feel it in my bones! I feel it, the whisper in my head to DO IT! Is that my voice or is that something else pushing me ? I'm a mess. I can't sleep at night thinking about the possibilities and to possibility I'll fail.

Originally my planned move was that I'd go back to school to further my nursing career after my baby was a bit older. Honestly thinking about it and thinking about clinicals make my stomach hurt. I used to cry on my way to clinicals. *clinicals are hands on training to complete hours*

I am a hard worker, I always have been. But I want to work hard at my dream. I LOVE to work. This time for me has been so eye opening. So stressful. So scary.

I've been praying. I said "Lord, take the wheel. Just take it. Here" I can't seem to know what to do. I ask for guidance to make the right decisions. But where I lose it is when I wonder if it's my voice telling myself to do it... or is that someone else ? But, I feel it in my GUT that I know what I'm supposed to do. I feel this RUSH and excitement and I'm like NOW, NOW NOW!

I have been working on not drinking, I joined support groups, I'm working out daily, my kids are doing well... things are good. I think its time. It's time to follow my passion and make my life out of it. I can do it, I see people living my dream and I ask myself why not me too?

I'm having faith and I'm trusting the process. I'm trusting myself. My anxiety needs to leave me alone. I need to just dive in, all in! Breathe and breathe. Inhale and exhale.

I don't know where this will lead to or where I'll end up. I am a believer in supporting one another and helping us be empowered. I have always been a cheerleader for others and right now I'm cheering for myself.

Absolutely fucking true! It's never to late, I'm still discovering who I am and what are my true passions! What I thought I wanted in my 20s are so different from what I want in my 30s. I am making changes and making moves, even if I feel lost and scared sometimes, I stick to positivity and I believe that we are born to evolve. We dont have to stick to ONE thing and that is the rest of our life. Hell to the NO. I love LOVE figuring out things I love and things I'm passionate for. Some may say I'm indecisive... but I'm really not, I just do what makes me happy!

Life is beautiful and it's challenging at the same time. But, how boring would life be if we didn't change or grow? I'm so excited for what's to come.

I want to be completely alcohol and cigarettes free.

How?!

Ok. Let's set a goal.

Today is 8/15. Let's go 30 day challenge.

Start day 8/16

Lose 10 lbs

Gain muscle

No alcohol at all

No smoking at all

Workout for at least 30 to 40 minutes 5x a week

Check in on 9/16

I am so excited for tomorrow to start! I need to detox and eat healthy to start 🥰

Ok guys!! Tonight is the Eve before my 30 day challenge. I'm going to try to remember to blog daily in order to track my progress. My hubby volunteered to join me on this journey, he doesn't have to, but I'm glad he suggested it. Tonight we decided to drink as a final hoorah ... but I totally regretted it. I felt so sleepy and off after a few drinks, so I stopped. I got a headache and spent the rest of the afternoon on my bed watching TV. Hubby drank the rest 🙄 and now he's snoring away.

I turned 38 a couple weeks ago, and I'm just ready to be completely as healthy as possible. I just can't party like I used to and it's not fun anymore. Plus, weight my weight loss and exercise going great I wanted to incorporate a more healthy lifestyle.

Guys, pray for me, not because I fear I'll drink, I need prayers for strength & guidance. This can be life changing and I'm so excited!!

So, here we go. Goodnight for now.

Today is now Tuesday and its day 3. The no smoking is harder than I thought. So I did smoke but I'm definitely trying to smoke less and very few. I try to avoid it until I'm severely craving one. We stay home a lot and sometimes I need to get a break, for me going outside and sitting alone brings me peace and I often smoke. So I do smoke a half and save the other half for later. I think yesterday I maybe had 3 total. I skipped my morning smoke and worked out, then had my protein shake. It wasn't until around 12pm when I took a break outside. Not perfect, but improving.

Today I'm going to get my workout in, work on my podcast episode, do some marketing and promotions and maybe take a grocery store trip. Life has been challenging for sure, but I'm so grateful for everything we have and for my daughters health and safety. So, we are riding it out and staying happy.

Day 2: was great. I woke up fresh and energized. Something about being absolutely present feels so good. I killed my morning workout, got dressed for the day and did some house cleaning. We are still staying home as much as possible. I recorded my podcast and I'm preparing for our next episode.

Day 3: another great morning. We didnt drink, although my uncle bought eli a 12 pack. We decided to put it away. But its upsetting hes not respecting my request to not buy him beer. It already planted a seed. We know it's there. People really think it's a joke when you decide to quit drinking.

Day 4: fuck. We fucked up. We drank the beer. So, yesterday after the morning rush and bella finished school, we decided to go do a little shopping. It was hot outside (115) and we were bored. After the shopping trip we came home and eli took the beer out. He said " I'm bored, I'm having one. I'm sorry, you dont need to have one if you dont want to". Initially I said No and was watching TV with him. But, when he got up for that second one... I said I would have one too. We finished the 12 pack, and we had a small argument after he compared me to my sister, it triggered something and I got upset. I went to bed and he slept in the living room. This morning he is still asleep, and I'm livid. The kitchen is a disaster, the living room a mess and I haven't had my coffee yet. I'm not hungover but I'm not 100% and I'm annoyed that he's asleep. Have you ever cleaned while mad ? That was me earlier. Slamming, throwing, crying...

I'm upset that the backyard he started to clean isn't finished yet, I'm upset he hasn't taken his real estate exam, I'm so upset over everything. But honestly I'm mostly upset at myself. I'm so mad that I drank and that I gave in. I'm so mad. I'm SO MAD. I finally sat down to have my coffee and fed the kids. He is still asleep, most likely hungover. But its Thursday and I hate sleeping in during the week. Its NOT the weekend. Get the fuck up.

I tried filming a short clip of how I make my turmeric, ginger milk tea before bed. Hahaha, I was laughing so hard when I watched it. I looked so out of it and my voice was so irritating... and who wants to watch me make tea ... wow. I have no ideas on what to even add on a YouTube channel that is unique. 🙄 I need to go back to work!! Haha that's what I need to do! Oh wait, I can't 🤔

Starting yoga for beginners tomorrow, adding it to my weekly routine. Gosh, I'll be honest ... I'm really struggling right now. Like, everything seems on hold and my mind keeps messing with me. Every day I come up with a new plan for my future. I can't seem to stick to one! One minute I'm looking at online classes and I'm going to get a masters degree, the next I'm planning an online resume and career business (I'm really good at that), and then I'm like I need to focus on the girls 100% ... maybe get real estate license? 🤔 nah, I'm not a talker... hmmm, ok maybe I can take a class on speaking?

I'm worried that if and when life returns back to normal what if I wasted so much time thinking and not doing. But how can I DO if I never leave my house ? I'm a mess.

On a brighter note, I have been good with not succumbing to the mommy juice (alcohol). For a minute there life was to repetitive and I was enjoying a little more than I should. Friday fun day turned into everyday fun day! I made the decision to cut myself off and so far it's been great. BUT those weekend are creeping up on me. Especially since we are basically a super hot spot for Covid (AZ) and I'm getting anxious. I like not drinking though and I remind myself why I need to chill.

So far what I've learned about myself during this PANDEMIC is nothing, ha! Jk basically I learned that I desire to be self employed, I dont have too many talents as I originally thought I did... I don't know if a career coach is a profitable business, I'm kinda boring, and I hate alcohol. Oh, and I've been so naive to alot of shit, man. I've had a lot of time to read and this world is fuuuuucked up.

But I'm a good mommy I'm told. ❤

How is everyone doing ? Like, what has all this madness made you realize? About life? Yourself? Things you thought you knew ?

I'm a mess.

My 21 month old thinks I am a pacifier and every time I sit down she jumps on me. I cannot sit down all day everyday to breastfeed. Sometimes I just want to sit. My 10 year old is so obsessed with tik tok and roblox and doesn't leave her room. She thinks helping me with her sister is a chore. I'm tired of this quarantine, but we are being responsible and respectful. But I'm tired ya know ? Yet, At the same time I am grateful to be here, in this beautiful home filled with fun for my girls. We have food, comfort, games ... but sometimes I just need 10 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time.

I haven't left our home in about 3 days. Since our covid numbers are going up (Arizona) I've been trying to stay home again, like when this first started. When we do go out we wear masks, but it's not worth the risk right now. I'd rather just stay home and skip the store trips, which is my "fun" at the moment. But I'm grateful that Jones of us have gotten sick and so far we've been healthy. But, the frustration hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes.

The baby is very talkative these days, she asks me " are you ok?" And hugs me. Bringing right back to reality and down to earth. I am ok...

I want our life back. As much as I am loving these moments of togetherness... ones I probably won't get back ... I really do want our life back.