#blotchedwords

How can you crave touch when you've never felt it?

It’s like a wonderland of memories, you know. Everywhere it’s you, your shadows, the echoes of your voice, everywhere around me play the videos of you and me together in our cushion castle, they move like screens and leave me in the darkness for seconds that seem infinitely long. All it took was one long drive and we knew where we stood, a sunset of full of stars in our bedroom, you left me alone to see that all to myself. It’s a wonder what I’ve created with only the feel of your touch, your scent that has started fading away from the shirt you left behind when rage took over you and our paper planes crashed and the room looked like the inside of a spectre set on fire. I’ve made a forest of trees with our pictures, burning, turning to ash, the wind bringing some back to me. Our love was like waves crashing on rocks slowly but hard enough to break it into two. When you left me, I saw you seeing me, looking back again and again, as I stood there and attended the funeral of our newly dead love. You drove far away, to a place where thorns don’t hurt but the roses do. A place where your sunrises are red and your sunsets are blank white. You hit the brakes too soon, as the glasses shattered and the smoke covered up for the harm you did, the smell of your blood on my dress and the stains are still so fresh. Scars and wounds that heal and hurt again, the place where we once danced is haunted now, a place where we’ve become myths, the moonlight still falls down to signify the glory we once had. But I know you’ll never forget me, the taste of my lips will feel like a poison you’d crave for, you’ll see nightmares of me standing under the tree, where you carved our names, you’ll see me in my white frock, our nights will be the day dreams that’ll follow you everywhere. Your hoodie that I stole will be the only thing you’d want to wear, you’ll spend an infinity with nothing but my eyes watching you, looking away whenever you look into them. Your sighs are the winds in my world and my tears will fall like rain in yours. Your brown eyes and messed up hair and you standing with your crooked smile is all I see in a cloudless sky and all you see is me, laughing and touching your cheeks, my whispers will be the only music you hear, and when you’ll drive back in the same car you left me alone in, I’ll still be sitting on the staircase, eyes smudged, waiting for you and the touch that never really went away, but I won’t give in to you, even when we kiss and you don’t let me go, I’ll leave, because you’ve hurt me enough, I’ve fought wolves, I’ve walked through never ending bushes of thorns wanting to escape you, I lost you, but you lost me too and when you left me you left a piece of yourself with me, and you’ll just be like a soul lost in the morning mist, me? I’ve found the shore, I’ve saved myself, I’ve found myself.

It's so wonderful

How the thought of you

Takes my mind to the stars

And the flowers and everything

Bright and beautiful.

And how it makes my hand reach

For a pen and a paper

Making me fall in

Love with you

All over

Again.

"What if we run away, sweetheart?

The sun has risen up by six in the morning and I zipped my two bag packs as I waited for the echoes of your footsteps to come through my bedroom. What if we run away, sweetheart?

I closed the door, shoved the keys into my pocket as I anticipated for your noticeable aroma in my sofa bed. You were not about roses and soap, were you? So why not let's run away now?

I grabbed a Sylvia Plath book, got a black coffee to warm myself. It was almost noon but still you seemed out of the picture. Sweetheart, what took you so long?

I got up and put my mascara on, still waiting, wanting to cast a gaze of those glimmering slivery eyes. My bags were flung over my shoulder as if I was ready to go and I watched the sun fall in my caramel-coloured skin. What else do I need to do?

Bags were packed. Doors were locked. But time slipped; the moon is now settling with the stars. Its almost eleven in the evening. My mascara is smudged, door is half-open. You never came. Why?"

And lately,

I've been closing my door

and locking it

No longer accustomed to

the threat

of a

casual knock

a

worried smile

No longer wanting

the attention

I once

craved

To be alone

with myself and my thoughts

is what I want

Oh,

how times

have changed

There are different kinds of lovers, each and every person in the world loves in a unique way, some express it so freely, they will make you feel like the most luckiest person in the world, they’ll take you to all your favourite places, every weekend just show up at your door with a bouquet of flowers, they’ll take you to long drives, kiss you in the sunset, nothing will ever seem wrong when you’re with them, their love is what they call hard to find, but hey, love is always hard to find isn’t it? They’ll get a tattoo of your name, take you to meet their family, because when they fall in love with you one things for sure, they make you a part of their family, they love with no regrets, and that’s the best thing about being able to express your love with all you have, because if it doesn’t last you at least gave it your best shot.

But then there are some people, like me who keep their love hidden in their diaries hoping for some modern day fairytale to come true. Our life is just selecting a particular individual and imagining all the possibilities that could happen if we ever ended up together. We are altogether a different kind. When we fall in love, oh, the world will come crumbling down with the power of our lack of control on ourselves. The person would show up in front of us and we would evaporate like water on the desert sand. The butterflies, the feeling in the intestines, the feeling of just throwing up and running away and living in the wonderland we created for ourselves in our head. Yeah, I’m talking about the lovers who get the unrequited kind of love, it’s always the most terrible one, that’s for sure, but hey, we do get our happy endings, it goes something like this: suddenly the person we love starts dating someone else and we just sit on the park bench mourning our loss and there it is, a total stranger walks up and love begins again in a coffee shop.

Then we have the ones who love in silence, they won’t freely express their love for you but it’s more like you need to find that love in the small things they do for you, like preparing your favourite breakfast, giving you your favourite book on your birthday. You must be thinking everyone does that for someone they love, yeah you’re right. But these people do only that, they can’t ever seem to do anything more than that to express their love, but that doesn’t mean their love is limited or minimal, it’s definitely not, they wanna give you happiness in the smallest things in life, the ones which we always seem to miss out and the ones we choose to ignore, the silent lovers will make you see all these things in such a different way, they’ll make you realise that love can be given by just offering your empty hand to someone just at the time when they need to hold it.

And love will walk into your life at the most unexpected moment. You could think that you’re not going to let your walls down, and boom the next moment you know is that there’s this stranger who you’ve let in and you don’t care how it ends, all you need right now is that feeling, and maybe that’s when you get the ending you needed. Don’t run after love, let it chase you. You’ll get something that is something I like to call the best thing to ever happen to you.

Well, no matter what kind of love you give, all that matters is you give someone a reason to smile, a reason to look outside the window and think ‘someone’s thinking about me right now,’ and you know the best part about it is that they know it’s you. Love is the best feeling in the world, yeah, some may like to disagree, but hey, think about it, when you have something in your life that makes you happy and you won’t ever let it go what do you say when asked about it? I’m sure the answer is ‘I love it’.