Is that what we’re supposed to do?

Why do I have to feel restrained? Like I’m being strapped down for being disorderly. Why doesn’t it ever feel like enough?

I want you. So much that it hurts. Why can’t I be normal? Why does love have to feel like a sickness?

Am I poison? Have I always infected everything that I love? It’s too much or not enough; I can never find the balance. The tears keep streaming.

My head hurts, but I can’t stop. I can’t stop thinking about how this might be too much for me. Is this just another lesson? I can’t stop wanting you. I don’t want it to end.

But then I feel like a fucking idiot for letting you in. I should never get this close. This is what happens when I let my walls down. I feel crazy, obsessed, heartsick, but it feels right.

I tell you that I want to step deeper into the water, but I’m afraid of drowning. You tell me that you won’t let me drown; that you’re just as much the ground below as you are the depths. I feel myself sinking.

I feel greedy. I want so much of you. The future looks murky. It didn’t before. I need to clear my head.

I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to let you go.

I think about the way you look at me, the way you make me feel, and I don’t want it to end. My chest and my heart feel heavy. I want to throw up.

in the warmth,

below our thoughts.

At one point

you leaned in

behind me.

We were lost,

but that was okay.

It didn’t matter

because I was with you.

I could feel your mind,

like a thick mist.

I’m thinking of you.

I know your heart. I know the shape of your cruelty, the ache beneath your pride, the truth you keep buried even from yourself.

We said “I love you.”

We really said it.

I thought I was crazy. Sometimes I still do. I don’t know how this will play out. We don’t want to hurt each other. But I knew from the first day we met that I might. We might. I’ve chosen to do this anyway. How will this end?

I can’t stop thinking about your eyes. I cried when you left this time. Time spent together has felt like a dream. It was hard to watch you go. There we were; on opposite sides of the country. Somehow, our paths led to this. We managed to land in the same state, and same state of mind. How did we get here?

I want all of you, but I don’t. I know that I can’t. It feels doomed. Someday, we’ll veer off. I hope that it’s peaceful. I hope that it’s mutual. I hope we can cry. I hope we can hold each other when it ends. I want to be able to say goodbye. I don’t want it to end. How will I cope?

You love her, it’s so clear. You love me too, and that’s okay. I love you so much. I hope she knows how lucky she is. I hope you know how lucky I feel to know you. Who knows what the future holds. I can’t see you clearly in my future. I see you, but it feels temporary. Does my saying that make it true?