#adhd ask

Hi there! Welcome to the club and thank you for your question! ❤️

There are multiple things which can contribute to relationship boredom but I won’t cover them all, so just know that this is a bit of a complex issue. (Also I’m really sorry for answering this so late I swear I forget I even have a blog half of the time)

ADHD and relationships #2 -Relationship boredom

Relationship boredom happens easily to people with ADHD when the thrill of a new friendship or romantic relationship has settled and become much less intense. Now a lot of people believe that because you no longer want to spend 100% of your time wordhipping the other person’s feet and spending hours thinking about them when you’re apart, that they’re ”falling out” or loosing interest, and that is a reasonable thing to believe because it’s what media has taught us for decades. But as a person who has a stable relationship since three years back let me tell you a little secret.

IT’S COMPLETELY NORMAL TO NOT WANT TO SPEND ALL YOUR TIME WITH ONE PERSON AND CONSTANTLY OBSESSING OVER SOMEONE ELSE.

IN FACT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DEMAND THAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER/FRIEND CAN HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE

Now, I know, this may feel ”obvious” but let me give you an example. When I first started dating my current partner, I was very cautious because earlier that year my crush of three years broke my heart by lying to me about having feelings for me so I’d sleep with him (which worked, story for another day though) so, when I started feeling the initial ”euphoria” of a new relationship die down I panicked because ”he’s such a nice and fun guy! Why can’t I just be in love with him!?”

Thing is we hadn’t been dating for very long and I was pressuring myself to feel in love with a person I had only known for a short time. I think this is very normal because every movie and tv-show I grew up with always portrayed love in it’s initial stages, it’s rare in my opinion to find depictions of established couples in media which aren’t centered around divorce/cheating/falling out of love etc.

In reality however, healthy relationships develop from initial euphoria (sorry if this focuses a lot on romantic relationships but just know it’s applicable to platonic relationships as well) to a calm but deeply rooted feeling of caring for and loving one another. It’s the same for my partner as for my friends and family.

If you find yourself getting ”bored” with a relationship the first question you should ask yourself is why? Why am I bored? Is it that the novelty has worn off? Maybe you need to spend some time on your own, partake in your hobby, or hang out with another person for a while. Do some yoga, watch a scary movie by yourself, write a blog post on tumblr. Reflect by yourself why you are feeling bored, consider the fact that you may not be bored but simply in need of your own time and personal space. Personally I need several hours of alone time every day in order to recharge and relax. I can’t do that with someone hanging around all the time even if I love them a lot! And that’s okay and totally norma!

That said there is a problem with ”out of sight out of mind” it’s not that I don’t love my friends but I can go days or weeks without texting them and I can be a bit distant even at home with my partner when I get into my hyperfixations. It’s important to remember that relationships take effort and time. No ifs or buts. EFFORT AND TIME.

It’s never a question of ”finding the one”, it’s always, always, hard work and the willingness to change your behavior for the sake of someone you care about (not your personality nota bene, that is entirely different and anyone who tells you that ’you’re trying to change them’ because you asked them to show you a bit more of affection has no understanding of how relationships work)

Okay…um, I don’t know how I feel about this reply, I feel it’s a little all over the place but I hope you found it useful somehow…Maybe? If not feel free to DM me and I’ll make another response since my asks are currently closed. (I’m almost ready to open them again!)

Okay so several things could be going on here and I'm going to link some sources that explain it a little more.

A lot of people with ADHD experience emotional dysregulation, so your emotions feel a lot stronger and makes it really hard to manage your response to said emotions. This might cause you to have a more "extreme" reaction to small things due do your ADHD.

One bad days, this website lists some of the things ADHD can effect, which are:

- Struggling to communicate thoughts

- Struggling to communicate with people

- Worrying a lot

- Can't relax

- Sensory overloading

- Can't focus at all

- Feeling like an imposter, that its all for attention.

Imposter syndrome is a common thing with neurodivergent people, it's the feeling that you don't have this thing. That you've made it up and it's just for attention. That's likely not true, and even if you don't have ADHD you are still struggled with something that should be looked after. If you "tried harder" you would have made yourself feel a lot worse. When you're overwhelmed, try to be kinder to yourself and remember to take a break.

By the sounds of it when you were food shopping, you had sensory overload which can be caused by bright lights and noises, so it might be an idea to wear sunglasses next time and listen to music. I wear my headphones just to quieten the outside or you can use these smart ear buds. You could also get yourself a fidget toy that will probably help keep you calm. It also helps with focus and attention. Stimming is something else that can help with this, because some can feel calming and help regulate how you feel. Your fidgetting could be stimming so try not not to make yourself stop when it can help.

Thank you so much, I’m having a great day actually! :) And sure thing, I’m always down for good ADHD head canons!! 

Tags for ADHD. 

Papas/Copia Reacting to their S/O Having Short Attention Spans from ADHD 

Papa Nihil: Nihil’s own attention can be easily distracted and fleeting, it always has been. Granted, he has always had someone like Imperator there to help him stay focused. You being quite similar has always made him feel at ease. There are also some days where Nihil thinks his age is keeping him from keeping up with you when you are particularly fast at changing subjects. It can confuse him! Usually he just asks you what you are talking about and if you could slow down for him during conversation! Nihil has always just pegged you as the type of person to constantly need some type of stimulation- citing you as insatiable for experience and knowledge rather than restless. He likes that about you! the irony is he’s never had this much patience for his youngest son, who has shared the same type of attention span as you.  

Papa I: The first time you really got to sit down with Papa and talk to him you were the one who was surprised! You were used to people thinking you were either being rude by zoning out, or talking too much about too many things! Papa didn’t even seem to notice. When you apologized for thinking you drifted off into your own mind, he was quick to tell you not to worry about it. “If I really felt you were being rude I will say something.” Papa is a man who is very observant, so he knew there was a chance you had an attention disorder of sorts. Which, as he stated to you later, is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Papa prefers you let your mind wonder and to chase it as you please. So long as it doesn’t happen to a point where you put yourself in harms way, Papa pays no mind to it. Eventually, with you asking, he helps you find ways to train your attention. Papa has helped you train yourself into methods that you find very helpful when it comes to focusing! 

Papa II: Papa’s knee jerk reaction to witnessing your attention shift so suddenly and jarringly was to be reminded of his brother. Not a bad thing, despite his very public and dry panned scolding of his sibling (lovingly of course, as siblings do!) But it really took him off guard at such a blatant similarity. After that, it stopped phasing him completely- especially in your regular conversations. Papa is a man who can keep up with your train of thought and, because you have been together a while, he usually anticipates when a task will stop holding your attention. Papa is also very firm in keeping you grounded at times when he needs you to focus a bit more. Despite his reputation for being blunt and a bit of a jerk, he is never one with you. That’s because having ADHD is not the same as someone who isn’t taking their work “seriously enough.” He knows it’s not your fault. If anything, those times he needs your undivided attention he just asks for it calmly and respectfully (he is still a gentleman after all.)

Papa III: Pretty much you two are in the same boat, as Papa tends to have the exact same problem. He’s always been easily bored, a bit fidgety, and tends to have a very short window of what will hold his attention if not immediately interesting. As someone who was never officially diagnosed, he sometimes forgets that not everyone has a wondering mind so finds yours very normal! If anything, you two are very good at helping each other rapid change subjects in your conversations! Both you and Papa tend to like it that way, as you both have very flexible focus and can easily cover several different subjects in a span of 15 minutes. The only time it has ever gotten you both in trouble is during days you both really need to focus. But while you both are good at distracting each other, you both are great at helping each other stay on task! 

Hello, my friend! Thanks for your dedication! Homework has always been something I struggled with. But I’ll share somethings that might help!

*semi-long post warning*

First thing I did was get things like getting a snack or water, or going to the bathroom out of the way because once I left to do something else I likely wouldn’t return. So I’d eat quick, get water, and finish whatever other little task might distract me. I also always make sure I have a clear, comfortable, and quiet area to work. Otherwise I’m more prone to distractions. 

Second, the nyoom. If I have too much energy I can’t focus on anything. My mind races and refuses to cooperate. One thing that really helped was just going for a half hour run before I started any homework. This helped me clear my head and relax. This doesn’t have too be running either. Doing jumping jacks, going up and down stairs a few times, basically anything to use up excess energy will work. 

Once I started I also would set a timer and work for 30 or so minutes then I would set a timer for 10 minutes and just pace back and forth (or chill if you’re not feeling too antsy). For 10 minutes. Then go back to work for another half hour. It sounds weird but it’s how I got through most of my high school essays. I still use this to study. 

Lastly, the hyperfixations. One thing I found that helps is not so much completely ignoring them but acknowledging them and moving on. If that makes sense? For instance, when I tried to ignore a hyperfixation it would just keep coming back, dragging me down the rabbit hole, and driving me insane. So I tried something new. If a question or hyperfixation kept coming into my mind I would either jot it down on paper to look up or do later or I would quickly look it up and bookmark it then close the tab to come back to later. Just in general set it aside somewhere I can come back to at a later time. This way I wasn’t obsessing over “look it up/do it now or you’ll forget to later” and was working instead. 

I know most of this seem like they take up more time but, honestly, they saved me time because I was more productive during the times I was working.