Apr 19, 2023
it's so painful seeing everyone with their established groups of friends while you're left with no one to share fun memories with.
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it's so painful seeing everyone with their established groups of friends while you're left with no one to share fun memories with.
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i hate seeing posts in the avpd tag about people who are able to form real relationships, have friends even spouses. Maybe you are unfairly closed off to them or anxious but we have almost nothing in common.
i hate my body and can hardly stand to be aware of it. I'm disgusted by myself and frightened of others' disgust and judgement.
i've never opened up to anyone enough to consider them a real friend because i hate myself and that kind of revelation is too painful.
I've never been in a relationship. I've never been kissed. I've been an adult for years now. My disgust and fear of myself are too strong for any human connection. I wish i didn't long for it.
It's painful to admit having avpd. I fit the diagnostic criteria: a failure of a human being stuck in a stagnant unchangable state.
What feels even worse is trying to find others like you, going into the tag, and seeing people who live essentially normal lives.
I don't know what solution there is to this. Gatekeeping is a stupid term and idea. but how do i find people actually like me? Should i come up with a new term not people who "feel like me on the inside" but apparently not strongly enough for that to prevent them from living a mostly normal life? In practice? Does that term already exist?
i will probably never hit milestones i should have years ago. i'm an adult and set in my ways.
every year is more painful.
the worst part of it is knowing the prison is my mind. I could've had a completely normal life if my mind was not like this. I'm not actually even ugly. i just haven't been with anyone because i'm afraid of their judgement. i always remove myself from social situations because i'm afraid. other people don't remove me. it's all in my head, my fault. accumulating forever. and eventually you end up knowing no one hiding from anyone who remembers you hoping they think you died because that would be less shameful. if the friends i tried to make think i'm dead that is less embarrassing.
i'm incapable of reintegrating into normal life. I'm too old to start now. my diary used to be full of hope that i coukd change. Every year the same delusional 'maybe now'. But i have the life experience of a 12 year old. I could have had a 12 year old by now. every year that feels like more of a failure. this is a trap with no exit. every new failure gives the one before it more power. nothing l've tried has worked. not medication not therapy not starting over. I couldn't finish my education. I can't work. I can't go outside. I can't face myself.
tell me i'm not alone at least in this! Not avpd as a metaphor. Tell me there is someone at least in this tag sharing this reality not only a feeling!
The avpd inferiority complex urge to see a nice post about being kind to yourself and saying "but not me though, I don't deserve kindness, I do this all to myself"
Like girl the post is ESPECIALLY for you..
[tries to do some research on avpd]
[spots a suggested search that literally fucking says "how to love someone with avpd"]
[experiences Symptoms about it]
have an urge to create an online presence
post something in a discord server
instant regret! overwhelming shame!
its been hours at this point and i still feel awful!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch โข No registration required โข HD streaming
having bpd and avpd is such a conflicting experience, like... at the same time iโm scared of abandonment, iโm also terrified of getting close to people. iโll feel like everyone around me is garbage, but iโll also perceive myself as inferior and undeserving of love. i constantly feel like something is missing. i want to be recognized for my work and my dedication, i want to be famous, but i donโt want to draw attention to myself. i donโt want to expose myself and get ridiculed like i was at school. i just... deeply crave affection. honesty. patience. i never get any of that.
at the same time iโm impulsive, iโm also so very careful so things donโt go wrong.
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