Feb 19
Not now kitten... daddy's seeking the approval of strangers on tumblr dot com
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Not now kitten... daddy's seeking the approval of strangers on tumblr dot com
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honestly i wish people would just talk more about how like. exhausting HPD can be. (this may also apply in part to NPD as well, as after writing this it kinda sounds like a mix of our HPD and NPD symptoms.)
my brain is 100% of the time, 24/7, non-fucking-stop trying to figure out how to make things about me or trying to figure out how to twist a conversation to be about me. it is just about as exhausting as it sounds and even more exhausting to resist lest i sound like a self-absorbed jackass to people who don't know about or understand my PD(s).
i understand objectively my friends care about me, i understand objectively them not giving me 100% of their attention 100% of the time and not making every conversation about me exclusively doesn't mean they don't care about me or love me, but that's how my brain reacts to it. i feel rejected and worthless and and stupid for wanting their attention in the first place when i fail at attempting to twist a conversation towards me.
this kind of shit especially amps up when people are venting to me, like i have other problems with empathy and venting due to my other PDs and past trauma, but the constant "i don't care. we should be talking about me. i want to talk about me. i should purposefully trigger myself into a breakdown after this so you'll pay attention to me" in the back of my head makes me want to fucking scream.
speaking of that quote by the way, yes, i will literally purposefully put myself in states of active distress and disarray because i know my friends will pay attention to me when i do it. i don't fake breakdowns, the breakdowns are very real, but i very much did it on purpose.
yes i know that's toxic as fuck, i don't like it either! i am working on healthier ways to ask for attention when i need it but this is the fucking disorder at work! it's exhausting! it is so fucking exhausting to be like this all the time. it feels like no amount of attention is ever going to be good enough for me, like i'm going to spend every day until i fucking die just trying to make it feel like enough and trying to fill some fucking void and it'll just never be good enough.
i'll never run away from the harm my symptoms possibly cause other people, i know being hyperaware of how my brain works and it's affinity for attention can be anxiety inducing for some of my friends, but it's just so fucking exhausting. you get a break from me, i don't. i could be talking to literally no one, i could be watching a fucking video, and my brain would somehow still be trying to make that video about me. i just want a break from my brain. constantly trying to do this shit means it's constantly on high alert and that's just one reason of many that it is. i just want it to stop.
[i'm only valuable when your eyes are on me. i'm only valuable when i am beautiful. i'm only valuable when i can impress and perform. don't you fucking get it? i need you to LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME.]
Y'ALL HEAR ME OUT FR
it IS canon idc 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ (it's not actually canon but I will pretend forever and always)
I stand by this headcanon until the day I perish. and after that day, too.
Here’s a reminder to everyone, especially aroace pwPDs.
You do not need to have empathy to be human. Being human doesn’t require empathy, love, or anything. Being human is being born from another human being. You are human, you are real, and you are loved. I love you, even if we have never spoken a word before. I love you because you are not calling others inhuman or belittling others for not having empathy or love. I am so sorry that people have treated you that way, I love you.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
After all, don't I only exist for your entertainment? Without you I am nobody.
hi just so you know if you have a personality disorder I love you personally
Some Cluster-B pride icons feat. the gems!
BPD | ASPD | NPD | HPD
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