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@avid-detachment
in all seriousness it's very alienating knowing theres Something Wrong With You. like seeing your mental illness come through in your behaviour and thought processes and knowing it's irrational and unhealthy, knowing other people are reading you as weird or stupid, and not being able to do anything about it is such a lonely experience
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Questioning StPD + AvPD culture may be (i doubt literally everything i say) believing that there is some sort of unspoken social order/ladder that I am on the bottom of and that is the reason why I have always felt distinctly separated and excluded in every social event I've ever gone to. Also 100% feeling incredibly paranoid before sending this, "They'll recognize that actually maybe I'm wrong about this whole thing and it'll be embarrassing and scar me for life"
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Schizotypal culture is desperately wishing you had the means to give someone else what you are feeling or experiencing. Find the right words, make the right gestures, complete the right art, play the right melody. And yet it is never enough. Even when you think you've made a breakthrough in a rant that probably sounds insane to others, no one understands. At best they will ask you what the fuck you're talking about and at worst completely misinterpret and offer unrelated and unnecessary comfort or advice for a completely different feeling or issue you may have had a good 5 years ago.
The desire to wire your brain into someone else's and Force them to experience both your awful sickness and your wonderful magic. Force them to gaze into the void. Make them see your visions and hear the sourceless sound and all of that. It's so lonely and so loud and quiet all at once. You want to curse someone else with your burden, with your existential madness, even if it kills them. If only you and them can understand each other for even a moment.
It is an endless battle between the desire to wire my brain into the rest of the world, into people-- and the knowledge that I need to be a little quieter and seem just Sane Enough to have people around me who can protect or help me who I can hope to be loved by. Conditionally. I wish there was another way.
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Stpd + avpd culture is changing the way you type and write so that people can't trace it to you and judge you.
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Npd culture is never belonging anywhere and being simultaneously proud and dismayed about it. Iâm suffering just like in the movies yâall. Arenât I just so tragic and misunderstood?
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npd culture is understanding why so many other online narcissists have an issue with controlling other people's identities but desperately wanting them to look into more self help options.
Like "anti-[queer people using queer labels]", fake claiming, ___course, the reclamation of slurs, or anything.
Our egos (meaning the way we relate our identities to other people's identities) are so messed up by our disorder. We easily feel invalidated by other people's existence. We easily feel confused and scared if someone is using a label in a way that's different from how we use it. We base our identity on how other people see us, so it can be difficult to understand why that may not be important to other people.
But god damn it, take a breather. Other people know their own experiences better than you do, especially if they don't even know who you are. Your validity isn't based on or even affected by someone else's validity at all. Put more faith in yourself and others.
Npd culture will hopefully become learning to decenter yourself from other people's identities and stop granting ourself rulers of other people's lives. Damn.
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agenderfluid, a combination of agender + genderfluid! usually denoting a fluidity with agender as a base, fluidity between agender and something else, and/or fluidity between different levels of having or not having a gender, among other possibilities.
why can I not be normal about others having different opinions than me lmao.
i self harmed for the first time in a while. not sure how i feel about the term ârelapsedâ (for me, in this instance at least) bc i didn't really try to stop, nor was i really trying not to start again? it happened gradually, i wasnât able to get âdeep enoughâ anymore, and i just felt frustrated and ashamed by the whole experience.Â
this was the first time since then that iâve felt somewhat satisfied with what i managed to do to myself; i probably shouldnât be feeling as proud as i am, or at all, but ¯\_(ă)_/ÂŻ ig. iâm not sure if iâve ever really been able to see my self harm as a bad thing (or at least as something i should be more concerned about than anything else âwrongâ in my life), and i mostly just get annoyed when people try.Â
i think this probably (definitely) has something to do with npd, and iâd really like to say more about how npd symptoms influence self harm and attitudes toward such. its something that's affected me a lot, and i donât see it discussed much.
Idk if anyone else with NPD or NPD symptoms does this but
I can relate to wanting to hide your flaws and I do that a lot to the point I avoid going somewhere, meeting people, etc in order to uphold your image to people but
I sometimes also bear my flaws in a grandiose sort of way? Because Iâve picked up that people generally seem to like when people show their flaws and own them, and it makes people think more highly of you. And in a way it can strengthen the grandiose image you have of yourself because you must genuinely be perfect and phenomenal if you can have flaws but still be perfect and phenomenal.
My fear of those insecurities and flaws and being looked down on for them is still there (to a dysfunctional and suicidal extent), obviously. I just sometimes pretend like they donât bother me in the moment, or I openly talk about them to people see how cool my demeanour is about it and go âDamn, this person is cool and chill as fuck. Theyâve inspired me and Iâm gonna remember them forever because of how effortlessly laidback they are.â
Itâs also a bonus if people react positively to those flaws or reassure you about them because it lessens how insecure you feel in the moment + gives you insight on what their image is of you.
Or maybe this isnât an NPD thing at all and Iâm just mistaking it as an NPD thing, I dunno.
I call it âflawed perfectionâ which sounds like an oxymoron but yeah lmao
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God I feel like my experience is maybe mislabelled because of this since the majority of people talk about their grandiosity as feeling great and that they like their grandiosity
But I fucking hate mine when I experience it. It is so fucking miserable overall. Like yeah, it might feel great in the moment but thereâs so many cons surrounding it and I just fucking hate all of it.
I donât like being blinded to my words and actions and where boundaries are, I donât like becoming arrogant and I donât like being unaware if I am/when I am ignorant or not. I donât like embarrassing myself but being unaware that I am. I donât like having thoughts like âEveryone in this room believes Iâm phenomenal and so cool and charmingâ because it always has a downside thatâs absolute hell. The envy that comes with it, the crashes, the âmorning afterâ where you go from feeling like you did everything right and so amazingly to feeling like you did everything wrong and made a complete fucking dumb ass of yourself and never wanting to see those people again because youâre 100% sure all theyâre thinking about is how ridiculous, obnoxious and âtoo muchâ you are and that instead of raising your social image like you wanted, you lowered it even more.
It makes it hard to receive criticism which makes it hard to have an objective view of myself and the things I create (I want to write as a career, where criticism is needed unlike a hobby where it isnât 100% necessary). Itâs either flawless or only flaws. It makes it hard to have a limit on yourself. It makes it impossible to perceive yourself as you really are.
Either way itâs just constant fucking suffering even if the moment youâre experiencing it feels good and even then the intensity of it can make you anxious.
Again, I donât know if this is true grandiosity and I could just be mislabelling this experience but thatâs the only word I have for this but I hope someone else can relate to this because I feel like Iâm on the outside with other people with NPD traits/symptoms and/or grandiosity.
i will never fucking forgive the community on this site for the years of âace discourseâ. we were being actively hated for our orientations and everyone just treated it like a fucking debate topic or fucking mocked us for being effected by it. it became such a widespread thing to laugh at that even people who were otherwise okay with us were reblogging aphobic memes and getting mad that we âcouldnât take a jokeâ when we were upset by it.
and today, people who got swept up in aphobic movements look back at that time like âhaha, i was such a cringe teen for participating in ace discourseâ rather than âi was shitty and bigotted and i sincerely regret itâ; a lot of them probably still ARE aphobic but just donât talk about it anymore because itâs no longer trendy.
Honestly as much as I love Tumblr now, Iâll never forgive this site for the âace discourseâ era that nobody has ever fucking apologized for. Irreparable damage was done to aro/ace people and our communities and now that shit is being recycled on TikTok. And then aphobes have the gall to say âwell itâs not like you guys have ever faced any hardship in your livesâ as if they still donât bully and discriminate against aro/ace people to this day.
Go rot.
love love love that the people who engaged in this are rebranding it as a silly toothless phase rather than accept even the faintest smidgeon of responsibility like
lol remember when it was acceptable to tell people they were lying about being correctively raped, and that even if they weren't lying it was appropriation? reblog if you're part of the ageing tumblr userbase!
omg and when we'd talk about how conversion therapy was fine if it happened to asexuals bc something something antidepressants and lmao is it really ""oppression"" if you can't go to your doctor without them repeatedly trying to alter your sexuality? so cringe
who was around for the onceler fandom and responding to people opening up about coming out to their parents and facing utter rejection or outright abuse with "ew gross what kind of freak would tell their own parents about something as disgusting as their sex life??" anyway what is with all these puriteens yelling at pride marches nowadays?
good times, glad we've all neatly compartmentalised that into harmless memeposting so we can all pretend to be very surprised that in 2023 people think it's appropriate to emotionally bludgeon a trans hacktivist over an orientation they don't understand and therefore think is worthy of bottomless abuse
"Aro people do experience love! Just the kind of love between friends and family!"
Me who could not bring myself to say 'i love you' to my parents for almost 20 years and cannot keep friends: đ§
Anything I'm actually finding says there are some allusions to the figure of Narcissus when talking about self-love in literature--comparing one literary figure to the chracter Narcissus. But that 'narcissism' and 'narcissist' were not used until the 19th century and in a mental health context. And of course, by the nature of psychology in the 19th century, not in a fantastic way, but I'm not seeing where "We've been using it as an insult for thousands of years" or even that we've been using it at all for more than a few hundred years. I talked about it in passing in another post, but there was a time in my lifetime that it wasn't particularly popular to use the word narcissist the way it is today. I've noticed it exploding in popularity in the past twenty years. Using sociopath in this ableist way to describe 'bad people' was popular before it was 'the thing' to call people narcissists. I even remember a brief time when people would call someone a narcissist just to mean 'a little full of themselves', not 'ruthless abuser'. Like not to go on about this, and it's not the main point of this blog, but it's one of those things where I want to interrogate the idea of "We've been doing this forever!" Like have we? Or is this like one of those "ancient" Christmas traditions that was actually invented by an ad campaign in the 1950s or something.
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But I am going to go on about this. Changing the name of a diagnosis will not necessarily remove its stigma. Personality disorder diagnoses are not only stigmatized because of popular ignorance. Much of the stigma actually comes from these diagnoses having been extremely racialized and gendered by doctors. In the mid 20th century, scizophrenia and personality disorders as diagnoses were used to institutionalize Black people--especially Black men. Many of them for the rest of their lives. This was one of many systemic racist tactics used to maintain racialized slavery in the US. These diagnoses were also used to institutionalize women of all races who didn't live up to patriarchal expectations. And while these diagnoses were used as tools, they do actually describe real conditions that we have made progress with defining, especially since we as neurodivergent people have demanded more control over how they're defined. Changing the name won't change that history. It's important that we're conscious of that history and where that ableism comes from and what other forms of oppression it intersects with--such as white supremacy and patriarchy. We've gotten rid of terms considered outdated before, but people who want to use language to harm us, who have the power to do so, will learn the new language and twist it against us just like they did the old. Anyway, if you want to learn a little more about this history, I recommend The Protest Psychosis by Jonathan Metzl. If anyone has any other recommendations about education around this kind of thing, please feel free to add--because I have to say again, I'm limited in my perspective.
Thinking about making a post about the avpd relationship with the idea of stupidity and indeptitude, how much we identify with these concepts personally, and how hard it is to get non-avoidants to understand this. The frustrating experience of trying to explain this feeling to someone only to be told in a patronizing tone, "Nooo, you're not stupid!". Especially when you can tell they do see you as inept because of your fear around doing some tasks that seem basic to them. I'd appreciate other avpd folks sharing their experiences with this. Feel free to reblog to boost.
I don't really talk about it with other people (probably bc I know they wouldn't really understand) but the intense fear I have of being wrong about something or just being stupid in general is so overwhelming sometimes and it's hard enough for me to even comprehend. And like the panic that just takes over me in the moment can feel so all consuming.
Like for example, when working retail I always have this intense fear when handling cash because I'm afraid I won't type into the register the correct amount I'm handed or I'll accidentally press the exact change button or something and then all the sudden I have to do mental math (which I'm already bad at) and there's people waiting behind this person in line and this person is just staring at me waiting for their change oh god I know this should be easy to figure out but my brain has stopped working. okay let me get my phone out and I'll type it in my calculator real quick. and my fingers are literally shaking as I try to figure it out. sometimes the customer will just have to tell me what the change should be and I have to trust them because I'm going to be wrong because I'm stupid. and then the interaction is over and I'm fighting back tears because I have to help the next customer in line.
Like I know that's a pretty specific example but like it goes beyond like things at work and permeates into all areas of my life. I would avoid cooking or just get really overwhelmed when cooking with my partner because fuck i'm doing this wrong i don't know how to do this i'm in my 20s I should fucking know how to do this. and it's like this big cycle of shame and self hatred. I tried explaining to my old therapist about this (before I realized I have avpd) and I like she just did not understand. like this is such a deeply ingrained thing to me and it affects the way I do things (whether that be at work or in my personal life) and how I interact with people.
