I'm Only Human

I had a tilt table test done, after I had a rapid heartbeat upon standing and dizziness for years especially in the morning. I wasn’t diagnosed, though. I do think I’m dehydrated, but I drink a lot of water compared to my peers. Always have. I did find out I was deficient in b12, and I dramatically increased my b12 and electrolyte increase months before the test. It did help, but I just don’t think vitamin deficiency and dehydration is a good answer for everything. I want to know why I have vitamin deficiencies despite eating b12 rich foods. I want to know why I’m still dehydrated after drinking a lot of water. I know I have anxiety, but why should that alone cause my whole body to go haywire? Why can’t my body work like a ‘normal’ person?

I had an ultrasound on my heart and a week long heart monitor before the b12 discovery. My heart rate regularly increased above 100 after standing up and walking a short distance, but I recorded this as “light activity” so my cardiologist said that it was normal. It was only after I said that I can’t make it up a flight of stairs without getting dizzy and exhausted that he suggested it could be inappropriate sinus tachycardia. He also said it could be deconditioning, because I don’t exercise regularly. However, if I walk or run for too long my heart beats dangerously fast, I sweat excessively with light activity, my lungs don’t get enough oxygen, and my muscles will not work. It’s not normal work out fatigue. We went ahead with the tilt table after that to rule out POTS, which it did. However, with my improvement on b12 supplements any further investigation stopped there.

And, dare I say, its ultimate logical conclusion (distant and unintentional as it may be) is eugenics.

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Disclaimer: Not all chronically ill/disabled people hate our bodies. There’s no universal experience of embodiment for ANYONE, much less for people whose bodies aren’t normative, but the truth is that a lot of us DO hate our bodies and our feelings regarding our bodies deserve to be respected and acknowledged.

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On the one hand I am very glad to see glimpses of people trying to move their politics around the body away from desirability/fuckability.

However, this feel good sentimental narrative that we should be kind to our bodies BECAUSE our bodies are “good” to us is bio-essentialist rhetoric, which can only universally apply to abled bodies (and ONLY through assigning the body separately sentient moral agency).

There are millions of people whose bodies aren’t “good” to them. Millions of people whose bodies are kinda trying to kill themselves, even! Despite that objective fact, all of us still deserve to have our bodies be treated with kindness and care.

My body isn’t “good”, but… Does my body HAVE to be “good”? Why does anybody’s body have to be “good”?

When you insist that the reason my body deserves care and kindness is a criteria I can’t live up to (ie. ”your body does its best to keep you alive and healthy, so you should repay the favor by caring for it!”), all I hear is that I don’t deserve said care or kindness, or that I simply don’t count, like I’m not here or like my presence here is an irrelevant, insignificant, inconvenient, bleak outlier due to the reality of my body.

In order to insist that all bodies are universally and essentially “good”, you have to erase the existence of bodies like mine. You can choose to erase us symbolically/rhetorically, or you can choose to erase us literally.

Now, do I think that people who’re trying to spread the ideal that all bodies are universally, essentially “good”, want to kill disabled people? NO. Of course not. It’s obvious that it’s a noble - if highly misguided - sentiment.

But the thing about eugenics regarding disabled people, is that it comes, at least in great deal, from considering our mere existence as an inconvenience, including a narrative inconvenience.

Every time a chronically ill/disabled person tries to bring up the fact that we exist whenever healthy able-bodied people are having these Feel Good fests over the inherent “goodness” they’re assigning as a blanket universal trait to all bodies, we’re relegated to a distasteful disclaimer that able-bodied people are begrudgingly acknowledging only so we’ll finally shut up, to then shove us right back under the rug again after it’s done.

We are inconvenient to this notion, and when disabled people become too inconvenient to abled society, we’re erased; at first symbolically, but sooner or later, materially, even if “only” by neglecting us.

The solution to our human reality exposing this platonic, liberal, bio-essentialist narrative for the fallacy that it is, isn’t to force us to deny our reality for your personal comfort or convenience. The solution is to build a narrative that doesn’t contradict reality AND still offers all human beings and our bodies kindness and care in our diversity.

The body isn’t a moral agent, it’s a physical entity that simply exists. It didn’t ask to exist, it doesn’t necessarily try to perpetuate its own existence, and just how (other) animals aren’t good or bad, neither is the human body. The human body doesn’t need to be actively “good” or “kind” in order to deserve care and kindness.

Also, not to be rude, but I refuse to woobify my relationship to my own body. I will not pretend that I don’t feel utter despair regarding the body I was involuntarily cursed with until the day I die just to not make able-bodied people uncomfortable or to be more palatable to them and their world-view. I did that for far too long and all it got me was making both my mental AND PHYSICAL health way, way worse.

I wish people wouldn’t push “eating healthy” as if it was a clear cut thing. Because it took me mmmm 5 years to realize I get really sick with broccoli.

I keep blaming other foods, because I keep considering the broccoli the “healthy” part of the meal.

A lot of healthy foods are high fodmap, meaning that I can't eat them regularly or at all. Every time I say I can't eat [insert fruit or veggie], I get replies like "but it's so good for you!" or "that's a healthy food!" Well, not for me...

I know right now with covid-19 going around, hearing someone near you cough can be scary. I get it. But for lots of us, clearing our throat doesn't work to get rid of the need to cough, as it does nothing for our lungs. Please don't react wildly if we cough, we're just trying to clear up our lungs so we can breath easier.

“Since 1959, doctors knew that...” - based on what? What doctors? What happened in 1959, and what peer reviewed study are you referring to? It is very easy to make up information about vaccines that aren’t actually proven, because anti-vaxx people appeal to emotion. The wording intentionally villainizes doctors for supposedly “knowing” that vaccines are not okay for eczema patients, but refusing to inform people about it. (”Wish I’d known :(”) But there’s no proof you’ve given for this. 

“...children who developed eczema after vaccination...” - This doesn’t establish whether or not vaccines caused children to develop eczema. You can develop any chronic illness any time after a vaccination. That does not mean that the vaccination caused it. For example, I “developed” eczema after vaccination. By that, I mean that I was vaccinated as a child. Years later, I was diagnosed with eczema by a dermatologist after developing rashes on my body. There was never any indication that the vaccines and my eczema were related. 

If you’re referring to this study that I found, there’s a few things you need to consider (more information here): 

They’re discussing a rare adverse reaction to smallpox vaccine only.

Smallpox vaccines are live, and require a specialized approach to vaccination and increased risks for some people.

It’s about children who developed eczema vaccinatum after vaccination, as a result of vaccination - not atopic eczema later in life. 

This reaction occurs in people who already have atopic eczema, and other conditions that damage the skin. 

It has to do with the way the “damaged” skin interacts with the vaccine, causing the virus to spread to the skin. 

It doesn’t give you an “autoimmune disorder” - it gives people with an autoimmune disorder, the virus: vaccinia, which causes the reaction.

It does not suggest that, in general, all vaccines cause eczema or that everyone with eczema should not be vaccinated at all.

Being vague misinforms, causes fear-mongering, and puts people at risk. If any medical experts want to correct my reading of the medical journals, feel free. I am not an expert. I just try to be informed. Many people are far from medically literate, so it’s very easy to give bad, oversimplified, pseudoscientific, and/or sensationalized information about vaccines.

My eczema is not caused by vaccines, but my flare ups are caused by changes in temperature and stress. Stress impacts both vaccinated and non-vaccinated populations in major ways. There is a lot of factual information about the relationship between stress and eczema. Chronic illness has existed in people long before vaccines, and they will continue to exist in people regardless if they become vaccinated. 

According to the American Academy of Dermatologists, vaccines do not cause eczema. However, some patients should talk to their doctors about alternatives to two vaccines (not all, or vaccines in general) because of their own individual specialized medical needs. That does not mean the same thing as “children who developed eczema after vaccination should never be vaccinated again.” I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask questions about vaccines or be informed. Here’s the thing, though: many vaccines are critical to the survival of chronically ill people.