I hate it when you’re reading smut and you can’t figure out what position they’re in.
sometimes it just ends up being something like
ITS BACK
@hellsite-hall-of-fame

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@stillhelpless
I hate it when you’re reading smut and you can’t figure out what position they’re in.
sometimes it just ends up being something like
ITS BACK
@hellsite-hall-of-fame

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If Shane and Ilya have to be on the same team it should have been Boston.
Ilya would sit his team down and be like: Boys. You know how the second greatest hockey player in the league fucks up our chances at the cup pretty regularly? Well what if I told you I’ve decided to take one for the team and solve this problem for us once and for all. That’s right, I’ve leveraged my incredible body and sex appeal to seduce Shane Hollander to Boston at an extreme pay cut, thus basically securing us every cup until the end of time. Now everyone be nice to this hot piece of ass I have secured for hockey reasons because I’m such a baller.
I think they would crown him a champion. I think they would be like “the gay thing is weird but we can’t argue with results and anyway Ilya’s fucked all the pussy from Boston to Montreal it makes sense he’s branched out. Boston would be like “we literally don’t care if they’re fucking on center ice if they’re winning cups they’re winning fucking cups”. Shane would do a joint dunks commercial with him and eventually become the people’s sweetheart. Maura Healey would personally petition for Ily to get citizenship.
Ilya is their god king and Shane is therefore untouchable. The people of Boston and the team itself would be shitting themselves with sheer joy at the chance to beat the shit out of Montreal in every way that matters. It’s a literal bloodbath every time. People are crying in the streets watching their boys give a beatdown to every Metro who gets near Shane on the ice. Everyone’s uncle from south Boston gets a little worked up around their Newport like “he may be a homo but he’s our homo. And he plays some damn fine hockey.” They name one of the harbor seals after him.
Ilya, externally: The lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep
Ilya, internally: The lion is going to throw up and kill himself if that freckle faced fuck doesn’t love me
ilya and shane being competitive over who fell in love first btw.
At any given moment Ilya is thinking about 1 of 4 things
Shane Hollander
Hockey (with Shane Hollander)
Sex (also with Shane Hollander)
The Horrors

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Shane finds out “Ilya” is just the Russian variation of “Elijah” and starts calling him Eli when he’s annoying. Ilya only pretends to hate it
Wassup
uh nothing wassup w you
exiting a uquiz halfway through when it becomes clear the creator's narrow and immature world view and cultural knowledge leaves them totally unequipped to tell me which peanuts character i am with any degree of accuracy or insight
my parasocial relationship is better and more ethical and less gauche and passé than yours

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big fan of how hudson williams hit hollywood like a canonball. he runs around like a little chaos gremlin pushing all the made up rules off the windowsill with his paw then stands by connor storrie like that makes him untouchable and it does.
I get annoyed when people are making posts that are shocked that Shane pulled Ilya. And like maybe, /maybe/, Shane locked down Ilya (there's an argument that Ilya 'domesticity kink' Rosanov locked himself down as soon as he could get Shane to agree to it) but Shane did not pull Ilya, Ilya pulled Shane.
Canonically Shane is one of the hottest men in the world, he's rich, he is at the top of his high intensity career, and he has the biggest saddest wettest most beautiful brown eyes out of anyone on the planet. The moment Ilya saw a scrap of interest he was arranging for them to be in a commercial and jerking off in the shower at him. Ilya watched this man fold his pants one (1) time and thought "well i gotta fuck him forever now". Shane tried to say there wouldn't be a next time and Ilya was like it's too late, I've got your number, you're never getting rid of me, if I annoy you enough you will come organize my socks as like a sex thing.
“this is ilya, i will never listen to your voicemail” and shane takes that to heart!!
he thinks ilya doesn't ever listen to his messages, so maybe he starts leaving one here and there. maybe they're nothing really, just a note to say he tried to call. sometimes leaving off with "oh, this is shane. by the way" he calls when he knows ilya won't be able to pick up; "hey, uh. i know you won't get this, but i was thinking about you. i miss you. i know you're just in ottawa but... sometimes it feels a lot further. i love you." and sometimes he'll be watching a game and god. he wants to talk to ilya about that play, so he'll leave message about it. shane never really tells ilya that this is something he does.
ilya knows, of course. watches his voicemail fill up little by little. always makes sure there's space for new ones. has ones that he listens to so often that knows them by heart. memorizes the way shane laughs because he thinks no one will hear it, the sound of his breath on the other line between words. he listens to every one of them.
The thing is that Ilya has no fucking clue what autism is. He probably read the word when some twitter user called Shane autistic and wanted to look it up but got distracted by a post about Shane's tits or smth.
What he does know though is that Shane folds his clothes before sex. And he smiles at him with adoration when he does it and doesn't rush him or make fun of him for it. He knows Shane doesn't always pick up on his jokes and sarcasm "That's French, Ilya" but he doesn't mind it and would never make Shane feel bad about it or dismiss his response "Yeah I know, Shane". He knows Shane has a PhD in The Arts of Overthinking "Now the bed's all dirty" so he playfully chases his worries away and closes all those open tabs in Shane's brain "What? Shut up". He knows Shane will not rest until he has everything in his life under control so he grumbles when Shane wakes him up in the middle of the night to tell him how they can make it all work but still listens intently to his plan. He knows Shane feels overwhelmed and anxious when stuff doesn't go down as planned "This is my actual fucking nightmare, Ilya" "I'm okay I'm just freaking out I'll be okay in a second" so he softly comforts him and supports him through it "Then maybe it's time to wake up, yes?" "We're good here, your family's here, you're boyfriend's here, we're good here, ok?" He knows Shane has to hear it to believe it "My boyfriend?" so he gently goes "I mean yes, I think so, probably".
He doesn't know Shane is autistic but he knows Shane and he loves Shane and Shane happens to be autistic

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shane: since our rookie season
ilya: i didn’t set up an ad campaign with the two of us together, call you pretty, tease you in the shower, and then almost get caught by your mom in the elevator for you to get our anniversary wrong. since summer before, shane
Is this anything