Theia

I have:

- delusions, I am able to double book-keep and thats what helps me stay calm, though sometimes I might post about a new or past delusion as if it were actually happening/had actually happened

- intrusive thoughts, they get very violent and disgusting, TWS at the end

- depression, I’m medicated (heavily) but I still get the seasonal blues, and honestly even being sedated doesn’t really curb it at times

- suicidal thoughts, came 2-for-1 with the depression, I try to just ignore them usually but may keep track of them via posts on this blog

- autism, but I post about that a lot on my main so it probably won’t get mentioned here much (the sensory issues will though)

- adhd, tbh didn’t even know i had this until i was diagnosed last month, im now medicated but it never really affected my life in the first place? so probably not gonna post about it

- hypermobility, dont know if its Ehlers Danlos or general but by god is it there, my biggest dream is to have any sort of mobility aid atp

- OCD (symptoms align with: scrupulosity, paranoid, false-memory, and real event)

I feel like I’m drifting at sea

Desperately trying to keep above the waves

As they continuously and viciously pummel me down again

I surface for a breath, one short breath

And suddenly I’m below the surface once again

Watching the waves beat against themselves from underneath

Sometimes, when my muscles ache and my lungs burn

I slip silently below, just for a moment of peace

Once, I was floating down, deeper and deeper

I came close to opening my mouth

“Drowning only hurts until you stop trying to hold your breath”

I heard that once.

…

I kept swimming.

I’m not sure why,

maybe it was the pipe dream of one day getting a boat

Being able to rest, being able to observe, not having to fight as hard

I can’t even imagine what it feels like to have something solid beneath my feet

It sounds like paradise

As of late, it’s been getting better, slowly

I’m not sure if I learned how to swim better

Or if the storm is ebbing

All I know, is I’ve been getting more breaths

One or two, occasionally three

And always I think

“Is it over? Am i finally done?”

Foolishly, every time

I go back under

It feels cruel.

But I’m still holding on

Grasping at that silly little dream

Imagining a boat, and sunny skies, and calmer waters

…

Maybe we’re all set adrift

And no one has a boat

I just can’t see anyone because of the waves

Maybe I’m selfish, and weak

And the storm around me is tame

Maybe everyone else has worse storms, but stay above water

All I know is that it hurts, and it’s hard.