#intrusive thinking

She had pulled you into a corner to scold you, but with you standing between her and the hallway her patience waned. As Dana looked at you, acting so similar to her youngest sister, she tried not to let her emotions take over. 

“This is our place of work. Don’t think that just because you’re my niece I won’t write you up. Stop acting like a child.” You rolled your eyes, unable to contain your anger. Pulling the niece card was something she did far too often and that was your professional and familial opinion. 

“Oh please, let’s not pretend like you care whether we’re family here or not. Everyone treats me differently because you never let them forget I’m your precious little niece.” It was the truth. There hadn’t been a day that went by at PTMC where someone didn’t mention the family tie in one way or another. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” She was clearly in denial and it only riled you up more. 

“Oh come off of it Dana. They’ve all tiptoed around me since you reprimanded Princess for flirting with me.” Dana huffed in aggravation and placed her hands on her hips. 

“God forbid I protect one of my nurses when they look uncomfortable.” It was a ridiculous excuse and you knew it. She was arguing just for the sake of arguing at this point. 

She had reprimanded Princess like an aunt, not a charge nurse. 

“Princess flirts with everyone! It was my first fucking day. You treated me like a little kid and now none of them even look at me if they can help it. It was embarrassing!” You were practically shouting at this point and were sure you’d draw a crowd soon, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.

It wasn’t your intention to cause a scene, but you were done biting your tongue. You’d been working at PTMC for just over a year and it hadn’t gotten any better since Dana put her foot down. 

“What’s embarrassing is you parading around the department like you didn’t benefit from being my family and haven’t been practically pissing everywhere, laying your claim since you and Al-Hashimi started dating. I’m not the only one who’s getting tired of you showing off like a child.” 

Dana’s voice was dangerously low. That was the second time she’d alluded to your relationship with Baran and it did not settle well. 

Dana was being such a hypocrite. All she’d done was lay her claim on you around the ED. She’d acted like your overbeating aunt from the minute you walked in, not like a professional charge nurse. 

She was clearly biased and couldn’t see the truth. 

“Go home and maybe take a look in the mirror.” You felt like a kicked puppy as you moved away from Dana and left the hospital. There was only so much you could say without ruining your relationship with the woman forever. 

You were tired physically and emotionally. You knew if you continued arguing it would only hurt more in the long run. You weren’t sure if you were more worried about hurting Dana or getting hurt yourself. 

Whatever the case may be you were sure Dana had succeeded in getting under your skin in the worst way possible. You hadn’t doubted your relationship with Baran before, but hearing it from Dana’s mouth definitely made you second guess yourself. 

It was obvious that you were younger than the attending, but it had never even been something you two felt the need to call attention to. It really wasn’t an issue for either of you, but Dana was never wrong. 

She was always scarily on the nose with her assumptions and observations. As a kid you’d appreciated that she didn’t dance around the truth, but now it hurt more coming from her. 

It was hard to discern the truth from Dana’s thoughts that were worming their way into your brain. You wanted her to be wrong, but it was difficult fighting her words and your own racing mind. You’d always had a wild imagination.

As you drove home your thoughts swirled and you replayed every moment you’d shared with Baran recently. Of course at work she was professional. You were well aware of the standard she held herself to. She’d also been very clear about her expectations for your relationship in the ED.

You’d gone into the relationship knowing it wasn’t going to be easy being constantly around her while maintaining consistent professionalism. But it was something you’d talked about extensively before making everything official. 

You followed the rules you set together to a tee until you’d had a terrible day earlier in the week.

It wasn’t easy being an empath in a line of work that toyed with your emotions, but when you lost a kid you couldn’t help the panic that took over your body. 

You could feel the bile rising in your throat and as you rushed to the bathroom for the safety of an enclosed space. You wanted to look for Baran, but your body was shaking too much. 

You were able to text her, asking for help, but she was stuck in a trauma and couldn’t check her phone. She recognized the vibration of your message immediately, but assumed it was about the date she’d planned for later that night. 

You were eventually able to get your bearings and stumbled upon Baran when you left the bathroom. She still hadn’t checked her phone, losing a patient of her own, and she’d reprimanded you when you tried to pull her away from the floor. 

You took it in stride, but it still hurt. 

When Baran finally had the time to check her phone and realized what had happened she immediately apologized. You understood and accepted her apology. You didn’t have your date night and opted for holding each other instead. It was a cozy night that ended in little sleep. 

You’d thought the night went well all things considered, but you couldn’t help trying to think of any mistake you might’ve made since or before then.

Baran’s house was quiet when you entered, but you could smell the stench of cleaning products the second you walked in. You took off your shoes and emptied your pockets in the bowl by the door absentmindedly.

Your stomach lurched as you looked for her. She was stress cleaning. You’d only ever seen her do this once and it was when she had to have a tough conversation with you. 

Your throat tightened as you walked through the house and found her in the en suite bathroom to her bedroom. What caught your attention was all of your clothes laid out on the bed. It was various items you’d brought over in the last six months of dating. Some of the items you hadn’t even seen since you brought them. 

Besides your clothes everything else was spotless. It was clear she’d been cleaning practically the entire day. She’d had the day off and didn’t have her son. It was probably the perfect day to clean in her mind. 

The perfect day for her to clean you out of her life apparently. 

You clenched your jaw as you walked into the bathroom and saw her standing on the toilet, cleaning on top of the cabinet. She could barely reach even on her tippy toes.

As you entered you accidentally startled her, causing her to almost fall. You rushed over to her to help steady her. 

“What are you doing here?” She huffed, catching her breath. Baran hadn’t meant anything by the question, but it felt like a punch to the gut. Anxiety immediately settled in and you could feel the need to retreat into yourself. 

You quickly let go, as though you were burned, and took a step back. Your throat was painfully dry. You wiped your hands on your thighs and clasped your hands in front of your body to stop from twitching. 

“Long day, got to leave early.” Baran barely looked at you as she continued to clean. You felt like you were intruding in her space. You bit your lip, unsure of what to do with yourself. 

“Do you need help?” You offered. Maybe being useful would help to at least keep you busy. You weren’t necessarily sure it would make you feel better, but you had to try something. You didn’t enjoy cleaning like Baran, but you didn’t want to be rude either. 

“Absolutely not.” That stung. You could feel tears prickling behind your eyes as you rocked on the balls of your feet. You puffed your cheeks and tried to think of something to do that would be useful. 

“I’ll go start on dinner then.” You turned on your heels as quickly as you could. You didn’t want to cry in front of her. It was clear something was very wrong and you didn’t want a fight to add to whatever was going on.

“Already done, it’s in the oven.” Your breath hitched as you left the bathroom. You could feel the pounding in your chest increase. Seeing your clothes on the bed again sent you into a full tailspin. 

Normally when you felt like this you’d run towards Baran, but now it felt like an impossible task. You looked back at the bathroom one more time before leaving the room as quickly as you could. 

You wanted nothing more than to hide. If you were being truthful you knew you wanted the pressure of being held, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask. Everything felt like a series of wrongs. 

Before you knew it you were outside. 

You wanted to leave her house entirely, but knew you were in no state to drive. You’d barely been able to pull your shoes on before you were stumbling over your own feet down her street. You were sure you looked like a helpless fawn on ice, but it didn’t matter. 

You weren’t sure how long you walked before you found yourself at a park. You vaguely recognized it as one you’d taken Baran’s son to before. No one was there which you were grateful for as you sat on one of the swings. 

You didn’t pump your legs, but you enjoyed the feeling of being off the ground. You didn’t exactly feel light, but something about being off your feet for the first time all day was a small comfort. 

It took a while, but you were able to come back to yourself after some deep breathing and staring into space. It was only then that you noticed you didn’t have your phone and the sun was starting to set. It had been at least an hour since you left the house. 

You walked back to Baran’s house, bracing yourself for the inevitable on the way there. It was over. Dana had been right. You’d made too many mistakes and now it was time to pay for it by losing the woman you loved.  

The front door was still unlocked when you entered. Baran was nowhere to be seen. The house smelled more like food and less like cleaning products now, but it still felt wrong. 

It didn’t feel like you belonged there anymore. 

You went to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle from the fridge when you heard Baran practically running down the stairs talking to someone on the phone. 

“I don’t know. I came downstairs and she was gone. Her car’s here, but her phone was left by the door. I don’t know why she…” Baran stopped talking when she made eye contact with you. She took a deep breath before telling the other person on the line you were back. 

Baran rushed over to you and took you in. She turned your face in her hands and checked your body to make sure nothing had happened to you. Oh how wrong she was because everything had happened.

“Where the hell have you been?” Baran was practically shouting in your face, but you barely reacted. You carefully pulled her hands off your face and put some distance between the two of you. 

“The park.” Your brain was short circuiting as you tried to protect yourself. You were protecting yourself from the inevitable, not her. Some part of you still knew Baran would never physically hurt you. 

You hoped that by answering her question quickly and without any added details she’d stop yelling. You were exhausted and everything felt like an attack. 

“What were you thinking?” You were thinking too much. That was the problem. Everything felt wrong. You didn’t even feel like yourself anymore. You weren’t sure if yourself was even good enough. You weren’t sure it had ever been. 

Baran took a moment and looked at you for the first time all day. Her eyebrows furrowed. You weren’t looking at her. You were staring over her shoulder, just to the right of her. 

What she noticed more than anything was that you looked small. You were practically crushing yourself into the kitchen counter opposite of where you once had been. You looked scared. 

Baran took a small step towards you and you flinched. Her heart ached for you. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but she didn’t want to cause you any more harm. You knew she wasn’t actively trying to hurt you, but you felt raw. 

“Hey, azizam. Look at me.” The words snaked around your heart and clenched. You looked up to the ceiling to try and stop the tears from falling. 

“Please, don’t call me that.” Your voice came out just above a whisper. Baran’s throat constricted as she looked at you. Something was seriously wrong and she was kicking herself for not noticing sooner. 

“What’s wrong?” The question felt like a stab in the chest. So many things were wrong, but you didn’t think she cared. You clutched your water bottle to your side and took a deep breath. A few deep breaths actually.

“Baran, it’s okay. I understand. You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know I’ve been clingy and childish and you’ve had enough. I’m sorry I didn’t realize soon enough to fix my behavior. You don’t have to beat around the bush. You’re allowed to change your mind about me.” 

It was sad, but it felt like the truth. People were allowed to change their minds. Would it break you having to leave her, yes. Would you need to leave PTMC, yes. Would it feel like the world ended, yes. But you’d do it if it meant she was happy.

Life was full of ups and downs and you guessed it was just your time to go through a rough patch alone. Baran could see the emotions swirling in your eyes even though you were somehow able to keep your voice scarily even. 

What got to her the most was the use of her name. You always called her every pet name under the sun, but she hadn’t heard you use her government name outside the hospital since your first date. 

She stared at you for a moment and replayed the day in her head since you’d gotten home. She’d been so focused on using cleaning as a distraction that she hadn’t registered how sad you sounded earlier. How broken. 

Baran bit her lip as she tried again, but this time it took everything in her not to move her body towards you. She also kept her voice as soft as she could. 

“Eshgham, I have not changed my mind about you.” You slowly looked her in the eye, not sure if you believed her. Baran could see the hesitance written on your features as she continued. 

“There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. You drive me absolutely crazy and I love that about you. I fell in love with you the moment you spilled your coffee on me outside the hospital. I will never get tired of having you close to me. I'm not sure what's going on, but I have a feeling I unknowingly added to the stress of your day. Can we please sit down and talk?” 

Your throat bobbed as a new wave of tears threatened to fall. 

“You don’t want to break up with me?” You squeaked out as you shifted on your feet. It was a nervous habit you’d had since you were a child. 

“No, I don’t want that at all. You’re stuck with me unless you tell me otherwise. I’m not going anywhere.” Baran relaxed when she saw you release the breath you’d been unconsciously holding. You were still too scared to move, but she could see your fingers reaching towards her. 

“Can I hold you nafasam?” You nodded to her, your fingers still twitching. Baran slowly walked towards you so she wouldn’t spook you before wrapping you in her arms. You immediately melted into her chest and clung to the hem of her shirt. 

Baran made sure to keep firm pressure around your torso as she raked her fingers through your hair. You buried your face into her neck and she held you until she felt your breathing even out. 

You were the first to pull away, but you didn’t go far. You couldn’t bring yourself to release her shirt either. Baran looked at you with such affection it hurt. She rubbed her palms up and down your arms. 

She didn’t say anything as she led you to the couch. She coaxed your hand free from her shirt and replaced it with her own as she sat down before pulling you into her lap. You easily went wherever she moved you, grateful for the closeness. 

“Dana and I had a fight. That’s the real reason why I came back early. She said some things that I couldn’t shake and made me doubt myself. I thought maybe I was too much and that you were tired of our relationship, among other things.” Baran rubbed your back and brushed her thumb over the knuckles of the hand she’d been holding.

She kissed your temple, but didn’t stop you from talking. She knew you had to let out all of your thoughts or they’d continue to consume you. She didn’t want that to happen any longer. She also knew you needed reassurance in the form of touch and she was happy to give it.

“When I got here, you were cleaning and all my clothes were out on the bed. I thought… I thought you were cleaning me out of your life. The only other time you cleaned like that was when I crossed a boundary. Then I…” Your heart was racing again and your body was practically vibrating with nerves. 

“Then you offered to help me and when I told you no it was just another nail in the coffin.” You nodded as you relaxed into her again. It felt good to let everything out. You hadn’t always been able to talk things through with other people, but Baran always encouraged it. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to see what was going on. I was so wrapped up in my own world I didn’t realize you were struggling. I’m so sorry, azizam. Your clothes were out because I was making room for you to have your own space because I want you here with me permanently.” Your eyes widened. This was a lot for your fuzzy brain to process.

“You mean?” Baran gave you a dopey smile and nodded as she rested her forehead on yours.

“Yes, I want you to move in. I’ve only hinted at it a million times over the last two weeks. And for clarity’s sake, I didn’t take up your offer for cleaning because I know it’s stressful for you which is the complete opposite for me. Besides, you shouldn’t have to come home and clean after a long shift even if it did get cut short.” You wrapped your arms around her neck and nuzzled your nose into her temple. 

“I feel so stupid. I should’ve tried to talk to you…” You mumbled. Baran shook her head and held you close. She was not having you blame yourself any longer.

“No, don’t say that. It’s not your fault. I wasn’t very inviting when you came home and didn’t give you a chance to even try.” You hummed and felt Baran shift underneath you. She lightly tapped your back twice, her way of silently asking you to look at her. 

“Is there anything else I can do to ease your worries?” You stared at her before looking away nervously. You bit the inside of your cheek as your eyebrows furrowed. Baran lightly pressed her thumb between your eyebrows and kissed your chin. 

“Do you think I’m too young or immature for you?” Baran kissed your cheek tenderly before answering honestly. 

“No, not at all. I love that there are things that make us different because of our ages. It means I get to see the world from a different perspective. Seeing the world through your eyes is something I will always cherish. Besides, just because you’re younger doesn’t mean I don’t have stamina too.” You giggled as you puffed out a breath of air. 

You felt slightly better, but you knew the conversation wasn’t over. There were still some difficult things swirling in your brain. Dana had really gotten under your skin whether she meant to or not. 

Baran pursed her lips and nodded at you in silent question. She could practically see the gears still turning in your brain. 

“Aunt Dana, she said something that has been bothering me. Honestly she said a lot of frustrating things, but I’m trying to figure out how to articulate them. It’s hard because it still hurts.” Baran nodded as she silently scolded the older woman. The blonde seemed to have a knack for upsetting you and it was really pissing her off. 

Intrusive thoughts were natural, Baran had plenty of them herself, but it seemed like Dana being your boss was definitely a conflict of interest. At the very least she thought having a talk with the woman would be beneficial even if the charge nurse was a powerhouse at work.

Baran was a powerhouse too and thought no one should ever make you feel this way. You didn’t deserve it. You were a damn good nurse and she’d make it known until she was blue in the face. 

“She kept alluding to the idea that maybe you weren’t happy with me or our relationship. Which, I know, is something that you’d bring up to me if it bothered you, but she kinda made it seem like maybe you two had been gossiping about my behavior or complaining about me showing off.” 

Baran grit her teeth. She knew exactly the conversation Dana had been referring to and it was clear that she blew it way out of proportion. 

Baran hated that this had been weighing on you, even if it had only been a few hours she knew how hard you were on yourself. Baran clicked her tongue before speaking again. 

“Dana and I overheard a conversation you and Trinity were having the other day by central seven about…”

“Our attending girlfriends.” Your eyes widened as you realized where this was going. 

“While calling me a milf is quite on the nose it wasn’t appropriate at work. I was embarrassed, yes, but not because of you showing off about me, but rather by the blush that spread on my face when I practically spit my water out onto Dana’s computer.” 

Your mouth hung open as a blush spread up your neck and on your cheeks. You’d never expected anyone to hear that conversation let alone the two women who did. 

“Oops.” 

“Yeah, oops.” Baran joked as she stole a few soft kisses on the corner of your mouth and your nose. 

“I promise that if it was something that truly bothered me, I’d bring it up to you. Like I said I wasn’t embarrassed by you. If anything I was embarrassed by how turned on I was at work.” You blushed again, hiding your face in Baran’s neck. 

She smoothed out your hair as you melted into her embrace. You felt more like yourself now and less like your aunt’s puppet. 

You could feel your heartbeat sync with Baran’s. It was comforting for a few minutes before your brain screamed at you again. 

You’d done a lot of talking about your own feelings, but realized Baran said she was wrapped up in her own head when you got home. The only problem was Baran hadn’t talked about it. 

You wiggled in her arms and threaded your fingers into her curls. You nipped at her jaw playfully before a serious look spread on your face. Baran raised her eyebrows at you in question. 

“Baby, why were you cleaning?” Baran sighed and drummed her fingers on your thigh and knuckles in thought. It kind of tickled, but you tried not to distract her from the moment. A small part of her relaxed at the sound of the pet name leaving your mouth. She took a deep breath as she snaked her arms around your middle. 

“My maman is coming to town.” Your eyes widened. You’d never met Baran’s mother, but you knew enough to know she idolized the woman. You found yourself trembling again, but for a completely different reason this time. 

Baran giggled from under you as she gave you an affectionate squeeze. It was going to be another long week, but it felt like you were moving in the same direction this time. 

“I’m glad we had this talk.” You whispered as your eyes fluttered closed for a minute. The emotions of the day were starting to take its toll. You knew you needed to go to bed soon. It was a comforting thought that Baran would be by your side.

“Me too, we should do it more often. I love listening to your voice and being able to ease some of those scary thoughts. I hope you know you deserve the world zendegim.” You smiled sleepily into her neck and returned the squeeze.

“I’m really starting to believe it.” 

***

Tim: Harley Quinn isn't necessarily insane, but she battles with finding true love due to men like the Joker.

Jason: Stop it!

Tim: Spinal fluid tastes like a mixture of bananas and a 9 volt battery. And I don’t want to talk about it.

Jason tossed his banana behind his back, losing his appetite.

Dick: Have you had coffee today?

Tim: The coffee maker is broke and I'm too tired to go out - I learned you can survive without a spleen, but you need medication... I should probably look into that.

Jason: Okay, I'm going to another part of the house.

Jason left disgusted. Dick followed behind him, speechless and confused. Damian patted Tim on the back.

Damian: You have 20% of my respect. In fact, I know where father keeps his secret coffee maker. Tell me more facts while we head there.

Tim (blinks surprised): Thanks dude, um sure banks are usually robbed on Friday.

Damien: I figured that, many peoples direct deposits hit on a Friday.

Tim: That is true, this might interest you, in the 18th century, a woman actually convinced doctors that she was giving birth to rabbits.

Damian: Get out, tell me more!