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My reflection stares right at me

Distorted with the rippling water

I dip my head until I'm fully submerged

And feel

I open my eyes, the soap stings

I do not reach for a towel or turn on the shower

My eyes redden

The ceiling, muddy, stares down at me.

I do not dare lift my head

From underwater I start to taste

The floral flavor of the soap

I inhale, water traverses down my throat

And fills my lungs.

Bubbles run to the surface

Horrors from the forest

Illuminated by the moon

I stand in fear as it inches closer

My beauty defines me

I am a shell

My grace is boundless

Still I weep

With growing confidence I reach for the stars

Where my dreams lay plain and call to me

When the moon rises with my chest,

My sleeping breath.

With shameful cowardice my hands

Clamp behind my back.

I look at the sky and wish

That the moon's hands will touch my shoulders.

With a cool touch I am lifted

Into the speckled sky.

I realize, even on the ground,

From 3:00 AM to 3:59 AM I do not go to sleep.

From a young age I always believed I was being watched. Maybe by God, Jesus, Mary, a guardian angel, seen with unconditional love. Maybe by the devil, who is waiting for me when I die.

I just feel watched. Like some slimy, prickly monster with 100 eyes and 200 mouths, or a gush of air with the remnants of a soul.

I feel it. The eyes.

My hair stands on my neck and my breath shortens.

While I'm in bed my feet curl inwards, closer to the center, the wall, until I'm in a ball of self perceived safety.

I'm just paranoid.

It's possible I'm probably mentally ill in that way.

Maybe I'm just hearing things, seeing things, feeling things.

Things that aren't even there.

But I feel like something breathes on me, waiting for my limbs to hang over the edge, in that window of time.

From ages 5-15,

To onward,

I have always feared

Something unknown.

Ringing in your ears mean a spirit is trying to communicate with you.

The temperature dropping means a ghost is near.

Don't have chairs in your room.

Mirrors are portals.

It just builds and I get more and more fearful.

In my dreams I crawl on the ground, paralyzed, chased, watched, seen, known.

And I wake up, 3:35 AM.

It's such an evil coincidence.

Seperation,

I never want to let you go,

I want to stay like this forever,

Us,

Connected,

Bound together,

I need to let you go,

I'm sending you off,

So long,

Farewell,

I love you,

I miss you already,

But I need to leave you,

So the strings will break,

I miss you,

I miss you,

I want to be with you forever,

Please don't go,

I am nothing without you,

I am just me,

Without you,

It hurts to leave you,

The process of leaving you,

It hurts,

Burns ans stings,

It feels so good,

Can I stay with you forever?

Am I allowed to stay with you forever?

I'd like to.

My own flesh, my own flesh.

My own.

You're my own.

My daughter, my mother, my sister, my brother, my father, my family, myself.

Mine? Me? I? Us? We?

I love you.

Please know I care about you every day.

Know I love you more than I love myself.

Love you so much I fear myself.

I love you so much it hurts.

I gave birth.

I gave birth to a thing.

An ugly disgusting thing.

A thing that looks at me

A thing that looks like me

It mocks me

It festered in my skin, my body, me.

Until it came out

To laugh at me.

Covered in my own filth.

It mocks me.

I feel my body

Screaming, crying, hurting

Because of a thing.

A thing that hurt me.

I can barely look at its face.

It's so disgusting

I hate it

I hate it

It stares and laughs and spits.

Why?

Why did this need to happen to me?

Where did I go wrong?