Smile, laugh, giggle, wet yourself

It’s gin o’clock - somewhere. You’ll find these funnier if you have your third G&T in your hand

https://simlington.com/2014/12/11/best-short-christmas-jokes-and-funny-xmas-one-liners/

I feel sorry for people called Benedict because, when someone offers them eggs - followed by their moniker - they may not know if they're being offered the specific dish or a more generic yolk/albumen-based delicacy. 'Eggs, Benedict?' 'Eggs Benedict?' One way to avoid confusion would be to repeat the word Benedict - if the person is offering the specific dish. 'Eggs Benedict, Benedict?' This is part of my compassion therapy. It's as far as I can take compassion for now. It's a start isn't it? Only I don't actually know anyone called Benedict. Except Benedict Cumberbatch - whose full name has a smaller than expected six syllables! And I've never eaten Eggs Benedict. https://simlington.com/2017/03/03/compassion-therapy-in-action-an-eggs-benedict-cumberbatch-meditation/

Here are seven of the best puns about Donald Trump's weird relationship to the truth. What is Trump's favourite resting position? Lying. What is Trump's favourite stringed instrument? The lyre. What are Trump's favourite parasitic insects? Lice. What four-letter anagram of a wild animal's living place best describes Trump? Lair. What's Trump's favourite method of setting German Romantic poems to music? The lied. What's the difference between Trump and cats? Cats only lie 80% of the time. What is Trump's favourite liquid metal hydroxide? Lye. https://simlington.com/2017/02/18/best-puns-about-donald-trump-and-truth/

Or his make-up artist, come to think of it.

As part of my therapy, I have to do a 'glass half full' exercise. So here are eight reasons why February is my favourite month - despite it officially being the worst month of the year. 1. You've given up on all your New Year's Resolutions by now. So you can drink, smoke, take drugs, eat fatty foods, swear, get into fights, sit around doing no exercise, etc without feeling like a complete failure. 2 to 8 at http://simlington.com

1. If you don’t have one already, get a cat and/or a dog. They don’t give a shit about politics. And they let you stroke them. They also have nicer breath than either Trump or May. 2. Don’t start writing angry tweets about politics – you’ll just get angrier and angrier until your head explodes. And if that happens you won’t have survived the Trump-May years when they thankfully come to an end. 3. Do lots of small acts of kindness – both to yourself and to others. This could include masturbating when you would normally be cleaning the oven, or checking if old Mrs Smith at number 15 needs any shopping. Note: don’t get these mixed up and offer to get the shopping for your oven or … 4. Learn some relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, smoking vast quantities of weed and taking benzodiazepines regularly. 5. Take up a new hobby like gardening (so you can grow your own weed), chemistry (so you can create your own synthetic drugs) or tightrope walking (as a metaphor for your mental health). 6. Get addicted to heroin and/or crack so you spend less time worrying about the future of the world, homelessness, public health catastrophes, etc – and more energy wondering where your next hit is coming from. 7. Inherit lots of money. Give most of it away to people who are much worse off than you are. And spend the rest emigrating to somewhere more sane, like Canada or Iceland. Good luck! https://simlington.com/2017/01/14/7-ways-to-survive-trump-and-mays-transatlantic-disaster/

Here are 10 new year's resolutions I think I can keep - these are mainly reminders not to be a dick. Feel free to borrow any or all of them - not that I'm calling any of you potential dicks. I'll stop digging and start the list. 1. Keep not drinking alcohol. 2. Keep not smoking cigarettes. 3. Keep swearing profusely - swearing is big and clever. Sweating less so - despite autocorrect. 4. Keep walking at least six miles a day. This aids sanity. 5. Keep meditating every day. This also aids sanity and makes me seem wise. 6. Don't lose hope. The world will always contain bell ends. It's a matter of not letting them piss all over you. 7. Keep not reading the news. It really is designed to make everyone anxious. 8. Keep taking the tablets. 9. Keep being as nice as I can be to other people - being generous and kind really is good for everyone. 10. Don't eat snow - it contains more pollution than expected. Happy new year! From http://simlington.com

I love Christmas. This is weird as I'm not into presents, I don't touch booze, I'm not a glutton, I don't like the telly and I don't do God. When I was younger so much younger than today, getting a bottle of beer shampoo or a soap on a rope was actually exciting - and not in an ironic way. But why do I only remember the cleaning products? I think we'll leave that one for my shrink in the new year. I also really liked Jesus. Midnight Mass, singing carols and praying were a way of life - not a pissed-up, nostalgia fest. I believed the whole thing - angels coming down from heav'n on a cold winter night that was so deep, trembling shepherds and their equally scared flocks of sheep washing their socks by night, the Virgin Mary wrapping LBJ in swaddling clothes and laying him in a manger after giving birth in front of lowing cattle and the most famous cuckold in 0th Century Middle Eastern literature. On the other hand - and equally Christmassy - I've been known to spend every waking hour for several weeks either side of 25 December as pissed as a fart. I've also experienced severe meat sweats while overdosing on TV Christmas specials, downing After Eights dunked in brandy while simultaneously farting sprout fumes and chain smoking the 200 Marlboros I got as a present - and thinking I'm having fun. So much for a typical Christmas Day in the early 1990s. 'What's the big deal?' you may be asking. 'Most of this sounds like pretty average festive behaviour, TBH!' Nowadays, I've stopped boozing and smoking and I'm not arsed about parties - even political ones. I enjoy eating without the sweating. I'm not materialist. I've been kicked out of the Catholic Church on the grounds of apostasy and heresy. And I don't particularly like Xmas jumpers - whether traditional or sarcastic-ironic, Mariah Carey, Christmas crackers, Santa hats, board games or annual quizzes, tinsel, smug round-robin letters, Quality St, Advocaat or even the Holidays Are Comin' TV campaign. So how come I'm still simply having a wonderful Christmas time? Put simply, it's just that - for however short a time - we're nicer to each other. For a little while, we think about - and even try to help - people who aren't the lucky bastards we are. It's pretty impossible to be unmoved by the humanitarian tragedies around the world - and Christmas makes us think about them more as charities do a great job reminding us about them. And making effective pleas for help. These campaigns also remind us there are so many people doing good, brave, extraordinary things to make this barmy world a bit better. The need to give a shit hits home especially hard after a year like 2016 that's seen a concerted attempt to move the hatred and bigotry of the far right into the political mainstream. And when utter arseholes (even smellier more revolting than the usual ring pieces) have secured some pretty powerful jobs. So Christmas is a much-needed kick up the arse to give something to people I will never meet in countries I will never visit who face horrors I could never imagine. Or to people I pass on the street every day who also lead lives of quiet torture. It's a reminder to stop worrying about the insignificant bullshit that tends to clog our brains and to work out what's actually important. So thank you to everyone who's reminded me to stop and think. Thank you to everyone who is trying in trying times. You're my true Christmas heroes. And you're why I still love Christmas.

"There is some evidence that by directing your thoughts to the happy, uplifting, bright part of the spectrum of your experience and away from the dark, dispiriting, draining part, you can make a positive impact on your mood." Full post here: https://simlington.com/2016/12/05/improving-your-mental-health-one-good-memory-at-a-time/

At Christmas, I remember closing my eyes and waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left ... https://simlington.com/2016/12/02/the-best-offensive-controversial-and-awkward-christmas-jokes/

The one thing a woman doesn’t want to find in her stockings on Xmas morning is her husband. http://simlington.com/2014/12/11/best-short-christmas-jokes-and-funny-xmas-one-liners/

Because he only comes once a year.

Muon the cat has a wine glass on her fur.

7 ways to improve your mental health that don't involve mindfulness. https://simlington.com

Most popular phrases of a really bad year 2016. Contains swearing :-) https://simlington.com/2016/11/11/the-most-popular-phrases-of-2016-if-youre-a-sane-music-lover/