#bad jokes

“Y-yes.” The young lady stuttered, shaking beside you. She seemed hesitant even to approach you, but honestly, could you blame her?

With a soft grin, and blood drenching nearly your entire body, she was so conflicted. “Wonderful!” You beamed, hoisting her up, leaving her in awe of your strength. “Heard you needed help, thought I should drop in.”

She nodded, shakily holding a gun you immediately recognized. “I-I do. I got k-kidnapped by this man, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of here and-” She swallowed thickly, looking around to see if there were any infected around. “I’m…I’m really scared.”

Wiping away the blood the best you could, you offered her a gentle smile. This poor girl was so scared she didn’t even ask who you were or how you knew her name. “No worries, I got you. By the way, have you seen a man? Tall silver fox. A little broody in nature…but once you get to know him-“

"W-what?”

“Ah nothing!” You cleared your throat, reloading your ammo with a sharp turn down the dark hallway. “Come with me-”

“Wait, the guy part of the DSO? Y-you know Leon?”

Flashing her a grin over your shoulder, you couldn’t help yourself. “Oh yeah, we go way back.”

To be fair, Grace didn’t need to know you were looking for your husband. You didn’t want to give anyone any leverage in this already zombie-infested place. Both of you preferred it that way to keep each other safe. However, you weren’t supposed to be there, and you definitely didn’t use your old credentials from the DSO system, which forgot to deactivate your account, to further look into the details in Leon’s case.

He had been gone a couple of weeks for his mission, but after you lost contact with him, you were already on your way. Paranoia was never really in your vocabulary when it came to Leon. You respected the time he needed out in the field, but this time it was different.

Something was off, and you’d be damned if you let your husband deal with it on his own.

Pondering further on the thought, you had no idea why Leon would even think for a moment you wouldn’t track him down, especially when he and Sherry had been experiencing symptoms of infection that had been affecting survivors of Raccoon City but not you. 

The mere idea haunted you enough. 

So you made your way to his last location only to find a massacre. “Well, shit.”

And after hours and hours of probing Sherry on her private phone-poor girl, she finally gave in and filled you in on more details. Victor Gideon, the man behind the chaos, was a name you hadn’t heard in years. Although your Uncle was one of the leading researchers at Umbrella back then, you do recall he spoke about Victor and the oddity that was him. 

But that was years ago, and if this guy was causing strife for your husband, you were going to help put him down.

“So, are you DSO-watch out!” Grace shouted just in time for the sounds of glass breaking and snarls of the infected echoing down the hall. 

With a quick step, you avoided any unnecessary injuries, lodging your combat knife through the skull of an infected as you pulled Grace out of the way to stab another. She couldn’t pull her eyes away from you, mentally screaming at the chaos and keeping close to your side for safety. 

It’s been a couple of years since you did anything this vigorous, and this place was sure as hell keeping you on your toes, but not as much as your little one. 

“Hey, you know that nice big shiny gun you got there?” You politely asked Grace, going back to back with her, to deal with another wave of infected surrounding you. 

“Y-yeah.”

You gave her a box of ammo. “Use it.” 

Shot after shot, you easily took them down on your end, and though Grace was holding her own, she was struggling. You quickly assisted her, telling her to take a deep breath and calm her nerves. 

“Look, you’re doing really well so far. They can’t get any less…dead than they already are.” 

You could tell your words didn’t quite register, as you could see her looking off into the distance with a vague expression and a slight shake in her shoulders. “I think it’s incredible for someone who got kidnapped and hasn’t had much time out on the field, you’re doing a hell of a good job-“

The guttural groans of another infected reanimating back to life reached your ears as it grabbed Grace. With a scream, she struggled to reequip her gun. You could hear it apologizing to her and begging her to help, but sadly, there was nothing to be done. Though it hurt more than anything, you quickly grabbed the back of its head to avoid it biting either of you, slamming it into the wall before shooting it in the back of the skull.

“Quite rude.” You hummed, wiping the blood off your hands on the wall. “Ugh, the sad part is that they don’t stay dead, but back to you, Grace. You’re doing a great job. Keep your chin up and your aim straight as best as you can, and you’ll make it out of here, I promise. You need to live, and if you could save a life while you’re at it and cover your rear, do it. We were all scared once until we had someone we needed to protect.” 

Though she was still shaken up, she gave you a small nod. And guiding her through the center, you can tell her confidence grew more and more, but when you came across Emily, you knew this was going to be a little difficult in this already fucked up place. So after you told Grace to stay with her, you searched the center, looking for anything of value to help get them out of there.

“Sorry guys, I’m taken.” You mused to yourself, taking down more infected as you went. You looked to your side but forgot your husband wasn’t there. “Right, bummer.”

Leon would’ve been so proud of that joke.

Pushing forward, whoever designed this hellhole had you searching high and low, but there was still no trace of him. So after you found the last quartz baffled by the mere idea if everyone had to do the same thing every day, you rejoined the girls. 

“Jeez, the things I had to do just to get this tiny thing. You guys okay?” You asked, leading them carefully back to the main entrance. Grace answered for both of them, carrying Emily. She was a sweet, blind girl, but you could sense something inside of her was wrong. She was infected as well.

Chalk it up to the experiments that were forced on you or the non-consensual ‘vaccine’ your Uncle administered to you when you were younger, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist in this place to figure it out. 

Though unsure of what exactly was wrong, it made you think back to your family. The one you couldn’t save. The friends you couldn’t save. There was no reason for Emily to be here. In fact, that sentiment carried over for Grace, the infected here, you, and Leon. “You guys get as far away as possible. Straight down the road, it’s a good walk but close enough-here’s my car keys. If it’s compromised, you find the best next way to get out of here.”

“Wait-wait. You…you sound like you’re leaving us?“

Reloading your gun, you offered her a soft smile. “Unfortunately, I have my own mission here, but take care of each other, okay?“

“We will. H-how are you getting out?”

“Don’t worry about me, I have a ride!” Just have to go find him first. “And Emily, make sure Grace doesn’t get herself in more trouble.”

She gave you the tiniest of smiles, hanging onto Grace just a little tighter which warmed your heart. “Okay!”

With another nod Grace’s way, you let them both go.

It didn’t take extremely long to find Leon, but it annoyed you nonetheless. That’s until you got a crazy idea. 

A stupid crazy idea. 

You decided to scale the outside of the center, looking for any clues and hoping to get a view of any rooms you didn’t have access to. “Don’t look down. Don’t look down.”

You had nearly given up on your mountain climbing escapade when you finally saw him. However, your bright smile dropped when you saw Leon tied to a chair. This would’ve been enticing in other circumstances, but watching your husband have a tarp set up behind him and enduring harassment by that man, if he could even be called that, angered you to no end. 

He was no doubt going to kill him. 

“Oh hell no.” Although this was one of the most stupid things you’ve done…that Leon had to personally witness, you had no choice. Thankfully, Leon always had a plan as stoic and sarcastic as he was, you just needed to buy him some time. 

So when you saw the man steadily approaching him with a scalpel, you shot through the glass, the bullet hitting him dead on through his hand, taking off some fingers. Though you wanted a head shot, the strange contraption on his head was most likely not going to kill him, regardless of whether you tried, but you were glad it gave Leon enough time to cut through the rope and get the jump on Victor.

One thing he hadn’t expected to see some woman covered in blood charging through the window like a maniac. “Am I late to the party?” Aiming at Victor, you took your side by Leon seeing him hold back a very evident sigh. 

“Right on time.” He quipped beside you with a hint of irritation in his voice. Of course, the one person he treasured beyond all else was here. 

Victor observed you with blood dripping down his hand as he held his fingers with the other. He was more mutilated and infected up close than you could’ve imagined. 

“I see.” He hummed, creepily tilting his head to observe you. Leon protectively stood in front of you as you slowly reached for your spare gun to give him. “Quite the fascinating specimen. The wife, I’m assuming?”

Now that…had your blood running cold. How the hell would he know that? Or was he trying to gauge a reaction out of you? 

With a grin, you peeked your head out from behind Leon. “And you’re the asshole who doesn’t brush his teeth, I’m assuming?” 

You missed the subtle smirk from Leon as Victor pointed at you-or tried, threatening to approach.

“Another step, I’ll take two more fingers off those grubby hands of yours.” You warned, raising your gun once more, making Leon follow in suit.

“Such a shame. Another ignorant fool, but I know you. I recognize that soft face of yours.” Unconsciously, your brow twitched at the sound of his voice. You couldn’t help it when it came to creeps like him. “Your Uncle worked at Umbrella, didn’t he?”

For a moment, it was as if your breath had been snatched right out of you. Memories of the past hitting you like a freight train with no regards of your being. "Ah, he did." Victor smiled, “That’s where I know you from. It’s been years my friend. I’m surprised his research paid off. And still you look…untouched.”

What in the fuck?

“I’d love for us to have a conversation-“

Another shot rang through the air and right into Victor’s shoulder. “No thanks.” Leon intervened, causing Victor to snarl at him and throw a whole tray of surgical tools right at both of you. Without a second thought, Leon grabbed you, shielding you out of the way as one of the tools snagged him right in his arm.

“Perhaps, another time.” Victor smiled, making a run for it. 

Pulling out your gun, you unintentionally pushed past Leon to chase Victor, emptying your clip just to have him be undeterred and escape. “Shit!” Childishly stomping your foot, you sheepishly turned back to see Leon not too far away, holding his arm. “Uh…he got away.” 

Leon just stared at you. He obviously couldn’t see Victor anymore, so your unneeded confirmation didn’t need a reply. You pursed your lip, rocking back on your feet to think of something to tell your husband. “Well…on the bright side, we kind of know why he’s after Grace, right?” You hummed with a pep in your step, returning to the room. “By the way, I helped get her out-“

Quickly, you were pressed against the wall, Leon trapping you with one arm and his hips. The heat that crawled up your skin was enough to comprehend that he was not happy you were there. “Jeez Leon, I know you missed me but now’s not the time.” 

That innocent smile of yours softened his heart just a bit as you spoke into your earpiece, trying to save yourself from his wrath. “Hey, Sher. I found our man of the hour.”

“Amazing, let me patch through to him right now!” 

Leon spoke to Sherry through his ear piece, pulling away just a moment before accusingly pointing at you and quietly mouthing, ‘I’ll deal with you later.’

Feigning a gasp, you whispered back. “You did not just use your dad tone on me!” 

He ignored your comment as you crossed your arms, drawing your attention to the laptop that was left out. It’s been a little while since you were out on the field with Leon, even if he wasn’t happy it felt like old times where you would fuss over each other and have each other’s back all the same.

“Talk to you soon.” 

With that Leon looked over the computer one last time as you sat on the table beside him carelessly swinging your legs. “I can’t help but hate it’s always something tied to Umbrella.” You pointed out.  

“Me too.” 

Then Leon calmly diverted his attention to you, eyes furrowing in disappointment but you beat him to it. “I told you not to have me come save your ass!”

“What?”

“You heard me Mr. Kennedy and look-“ You pulled him closer to you seeing the wounds at the side of his neck and arm. “You’re injured and I bet you lost that brand new fancy coat I bought you so don’t even deny it!” Pulling out some herbs and a health kit, you quickly made something to stop the bleeding and possibly ease the pain. “That son of bitch is going to pay for touching you.”

“That right?”

“Mhm.” You were so deep in thought that you hadn’t realized Leon boxed you in, placing his arms on either side of you until he was inches away from you. “I can’t see your neck….if you’re so…” Trailing off, those blue eyes of his pierced yours. No matter how much desire you held for each other, you guys were never going to put each other in a position where you’re both blind sided. 

“I didn’t want you here,” Leon whispered as you attempted to tend to his wound. “You, better than anyone else know it’s dangerous.”

“As if we hadn’t faced worse things out there.”

“That’s not the point. Why’d you come here?”

Grinding your teeth, you couldn’t meet his eyes before your hands fell into your lap. “With everything going on with you, Sherry, and the other survivors, and the fact I couldn’t get a hold of you-by the way, would it kill you to answer your phone?” Leon didn’t say anything in response to that, so you puffed out your bottom lip before confessing. “Something felt off. I just got in my head, and I needed to make sure you were okay.“

“So you put yourself in danger? Now you’re on their radar. The exact opposite of what I need right now.”

“I understand Leon-truly. But did you forget I’m more than capable of taking care of myself?” You kept your gaze calm yet fierce gesturing to your body. “You know the skills I possess and the ability to-“

“Baby, that’s not an excuse.” 

“I’m not trying to. I needed to be here with you.”

“You didn’t need to.”

“Yes Leon I did. I’m not going to let you die out there or suffer alone, not if I could help it.” Your heart pounded wildly in your chest, and a burning sensation returned with a vengeance. You needed to take a breather and regulate your heart rate.

Leon immediately sensed it, dragging a chair to sit in front of you, his hand resting on your thigh to help calm your nerves. “What am I going to do with you?” 

“Ugh, don’t do that. I’m all gross and covered in blood-"

“Be quiet.” Pulling you in by your waist, he rested his head into your lap, closing his eyes.

You could see the fatigue on his face, the infection reemerging to take hold of him. Both of you knew why you hadn’t been affected in the slightest. You had some sort of advantage where you weren’t susceptible to infection like the average person. Even if your Uncle did inject you with a ‘vaccine’ with the hopes of making you 'immune' without knowing the full ramifications, your blood seamlessly mutated with whatever virus he concocted in the lab.  

You were the perfect subject.

A weapon. 

The ability to harbor a potentially deadly virus capable of wiping out humanity, all while keeping your livelihood, consciousness, and sanity, was something to behold. You never used that to your advantage unless you had no other choice. Especially with him. You couldn’t reel it back in. The emotional conundrum and overwhelming desire to eviscerate anyone in your path when it took hold disturbed you. And the repercussions were swift and relentless if you weren’t careful. 

Leon remembered when he first saw it, dealing with the Iluminados years ago. Something took over you, making you bleed from your eyes, nose, and mouth to defend him against an enemy. He thought it was the Las Plagas at first, but then you were violently shaking, and then you tore through everything half-conscious. Fear filled his mind. Not because of how your blood-soaked eyes assessed every threat, but he thought you were going to die, and he thought he had to be the one to put you down. But with one look at him, those blue eyes of his brought you back after you saved his and Ashley’s lives. 

Now he knew why the government was keeping you on a short leash, but that was no excuse. They had no right to treat you the way they did when you never harmed a civilian or deviated from the mission.

Once he saw that soft smile of yours break through that monstrous identity you tried to conceal and had been fighting for years, he knew you were still there, despite how disgusted you were with yourself. 

Never again would he allow them to hurt you. He would rather have death take him than let you go through something that horrific especially when the government got a hold of you after the Racoon City incident.

Leon wasn’t able to verbalize how he thought he didn’t deserve you but he remembered how well that conversation ended last time. But the more he thought on it, he did deserve this. He did deserve your love. He did deserve to want to have some sort of self preservation without the guilt of not helping everyone he could. 

He pushed the thought away of failing you, and possibly…losing you. 

“I missed you too Leon.” Gently brushing his soft hair out of his face, you let him enjoy this simple moment of peace. But not without teasing. “You better not be falling asleep now mister, we still have more ground to cover.” 

“Five more minutes.”

“One.”

“Five.” 

Warmth flooded your chest. “Fine, I’ll sit right here until you’re ready. It’s been a long day.” 

When he finally pulled away with his legs spread and his hands resting on his knees, he filled you in all the details you may have missed before you guys made your way through the center.

“I gave Grace my keys to get out of here. I just hope they didn’t run into any trouble.” 

Leon paused, slowly turning to face you. “Keys? For the brand new car I just bought you?”

Oh shit. 

You pursed your lips again, scratching the back of your head. “Uhhh...I couldn’t exactly uber to you.” 

“So you gave away your keys for your brand new car?”

With a sigh, you kicked your leg up. “I needed a new one anyways-“

“You didn’t. How were you going to get out of here if you needed to escape?”

“Uh carpool with you?”

“What if I wasn’t here?”

You let out a dramatic sigh, throwing your head into his chest. “Shush.”

“You can’t just shush me and pretend we aren’t having this conversation.”

“Shush.”

“Hey-” Placing your finger over his lips, you shushed him once more but all he did was continue walking. 

“I would’ve figured it out. Don’t I always?” You called after him. 

“You do. Sometimes.”

Somewhat offended you looked at him, trying to match his walking pace. Curse those strong long legs of his. “What do you mean sometimes?!”

“You make questionable decisions.”

“Wonder where I learned that one from!” You retorted. 

“That’s debatable.”

“No that’s the truth, and nothing but the truth.” You hummed, walking in front of him. 

Smack.

“Ah!” Swirling around, Leon pretended he didn’t just smack you right on your ass. “That was super unprofessional!”

“Ah so this is professional now?” He smirked, trying to get under your skin. You obviously had no jurisdiction to even be here. 

“Okay-okay you’re still upset.” You stopped in front of him. “Even though we just had a heart to heart that I wasn’t going to leave you here alone.” 

“That’s before I realized how deeply you screwed yourself over. I don’t want to have to worry about you while…” He squeezed his hand, the infection ever present plaguing his mind. 

“Stop fussing over me Leon. We need to worry about Grace and about you...”

“That’s rich coming from you. I can’t if you’re here and-“

Wrapping your arm around his neck, you pulled him into a soft kiss. What was it about you that made him continuously gravitate towards your warmth? 

Maybe he just needed you to ease his worries and ground him. Something to let him know you were still by his side even if this place could be the death of him. He wanted to resist. He had a mission to get back to. But when your hands trailed down across his skin, one on his cheek and the other on his chest right over his heart, he couldn’t deny you. 

He pulled you in by your waist deepening the kiss, and dipping you back for just a moment. It brought so many memories that kept him going. 

“I’m not upset you’re here.” He gave you a solemn expression pressing his forehead against yours. “Just don’t want you to end up hurt or something worse just trying to protect me. Promise me, you’ll watch your back if I can’t do it for you. And prioritize yourself first if anything happens to me. Don’t be a hero.”

Normally you took promises very seriously, solidifying it with a pinky hold. You wanted to poke fun of the idea of how you’ll have your fingers crossed or even whisper “no promises”. But he needed reassurance even if you couldn’t fully give it. 

Pressing a thumb under his chin, you pecked his lips one last time. “Relax babe, you know I got your back. Through better or for worse, remember?”

“Always.”

For a moment, you stayed there in each others arms, now you were be able to continue the- “So….are you guys okay now? I don’t need my parents to be fighting the rest of the mission now.” Sherry mused. 

“Oh god-“ Of course Leon forgot to mute his earpiece. “C’mon let’s just go.” 

.

.

.

Now the journey to help Grace was not easy. Emily was injured, Grace was taken by some unknown man and everything was still trying to kill you. Not to mention your new car was unfortunately destroyed in the aftermath in which you got an earful for. 

However the further you guys went, it made it seem like Leon was the real suspect trying to take the both of you out. 

You repeatedly telling Leon ‘be careful’,  ‘don’t do that’ or ‘watch out’ seemed to fall on deaf ears as you were making your way through the city you once knew being chased down by a huge random spider and mutated dogs. The day couldn’t get any better and when Leon decided to ride a motorcycle, oh goodness.

“Hang tight.”

You never saw the way he was smirking to himself when you were clinging onto him for dear life screaming, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”  Over and over again when he decided to use a collapsed building as momentum to catch up with Victor in a high speed chase. If the fall didn’t kill you, you sure knew your heart would. 

“That wasn’t that bad.” 

“Not that bad?” With a wobbly step, you knees nearly buckled from the sheer force of adrenaline flooding your system. However, Leon was quick to grab your waist pulling you to his side. 

“See? You’re fine.” Before you could chastise him, he kissed the side of your head. “Let’s keep going, no turning back now.”

Ugh, he’s so lucky.

Nodding in agreement, you guys visited the Police Station, the emotional pain that came back had you feeling like you were that young girl whose parents didn’t want her again. 

“Think I should try one of the sodas?” Your voice cracked in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Or do you think I’ll mutate into something weird and funky?”

“Definitely something weird.” He whispered behind you. 

You both knew that day was one of the worse days of your entire lives. Leon stood there from time to time, zoning out and looking through old memories and trinkets of the past. You came across your old desk, the pain becoming too much as tears brimmed your eyes, your Aunt’s office not too far, as your fingers brushed over her name. Days like this you remembered you never got to say goodbye nor did you find her body but an old burnt picture of you, her, your cousin and Uncle sat there. 

Leon watched you from afar. He wished he got to know you before all this devastation. Wishing to live a life free of death with you was one of his biggest dreams. You changed so much from back then. You were scared for your life, thinking you were going to die but damn did you push through and fight for the both of them. 

Now you were a smart ass like him.

“You know? I’d imagine coming in one day to see you sitting at your desk, typing away whatever tasked they assigned you.” Throwing Leon a glossy eyed gaze, you rolled your eyes before Leon pulled you into a hug, needing your warmth to ground him again.

YOU CANT SAVE ANYONE

The words of the people he lost were screaming and digging its way into his mind, the dizzying guilt becoming too much.

You can’t save Grace.

You can’t save Emily.

You can’t save Sherry.

You can’t save your wife.

And you can’t save yourself.

“Oh really?” You rested your hand over his heart. It was beating so hard to stay alive. 

“Yeah. Came up with all sorts of scenarios how I was going to run into you at the station.”

“Give me your best one Rookie.”

Then there he was giving you all sorts of scenarios. “Maybe accidentally bumping into you, dropping all your documents on the floor so I’d have no choice but to help you pick it all up.”

“Such a classic!” You laughed, feeling the heat crawl up your neck. “Why would you want to do that?”

He shrugged, “Just wanted to be near you. Then I thought about accidentally spilling coffee on your brand new blouse or something along those lines.”

You deadpanned, “Leon-what the hell? That would’ve burned me!” 

“Yeah…didn’t think that one through. Wasn’t one of my proudest thoughts.” 

With another playful eyeroll you tossed his way, your journey had to continue. But when you faced the man who took Grace you were gobsmacked.

Was that…Wesker? You weren’t exactly close to Wesker back then but you knew how his traitorous behavior helped destroy STARS. Even praising you that you could be one of the special members along side Jill and Chris if you worked hard enough. What a load of shit. And then when the man brought back the tyrant, memories for you and Leon came rushing back. 

“Ugh, what in the high school reunion bullshit is this?” You groaned out, seeing that Wesker look a like disappeared with Grace. You guys needed to catch up.

“No idea, but I’m sick of this shit. Ready?” 

“Yes sir!” 

.

.

.

After dealing with the tyrant, and making your way deeper into the ruins of the city you once held dear you both traversed the new facility known as ARK. 

“You think they’ll ever learn?” Your question went unanswered as you cleaned your combat knife, exhaustion evident from your sluggish movement. “Babe?” Turning behind you, you saw Leon staggering behind you and his knees crumbling from underneath him. In an instant, you ran by his side, your heart violently hammering in your chest as you steadied him. 

“W-we have to keep going.” 

“No, we can stop for a moment!”

“We’re so close.”

With a little force, you pushed Leon into the wall, guiding him into a resting position. “You need a breather. I can feel…I can feel the infection moving around inside you, don’t ask me how. I don’t know how to describe it but I can obviously see it spreading all over. So if you need a moment, we’re going to take it. I’m right here, okay?” 

Hugging his head to your chest, you could feel him convulsing within your arms. You don’t know how long they would last or how frequent they would become but you’d stay by his side as long as possible.

“Okay….okay I’m fine.”

“Easy officer!” You stopped him from moving, “I’ll be the judge of that and uncross your arms-don’t give me that look.”

Leon smiled down at you despite everything. He may not make it, he kept thinking to himself but he was going to keep trying. He needed to do it for you. To save who he could and go back home.

“You’ll be fine, now let’s go big boy. We see what that-totally not Wesker clone- named Zeno has some enhanced abilities. If things go bad, leave him to me-“

“No.”

“No?”

“That’s not up for discussion.”

Squeezing the bridge of your nose, you looked at Leon. “Leon you are not physically capable.”

“And you are?”

“Well-“ You scratched your head. “I haven’t been out in the field for a while but I didn’t forget how to fight. If he’s anything remotely similar to me I can handle it. You get Grace out of there while I give him something to play with-“ You paused, tilting your head in disgust. “Sorry-sorry that came out worse than I intended but my point still stands.” 

“No, I told you to prioritize yourself. Promise me you will. I’m not gonna watch you kill yourself. You’ll stand down.”

“Leon neither am I. I can do this-“

“Only thing you’ll be doing is standing down or I’ll make you turn back and wait at some rendezvous point.” 

Although you were angry it couldn’t reach the surface. This was coming from a place of fear. Both of you were scared of losing each other. But you needed to be strong for the both of them given his condition. 

You were going to try and that wasn’t up for debate.

Leon observed your deflated mannerisms, “Just promise me okay?”

Swallowing, you couldn’t say the words. “I…promise…” The dishonesty was nearly palpable. Leon nodded your way entering where Zeno and Grace were and Zeno was no doubt lecturing her about the importance of utter nonsense. 

And when he addressed Leon then you, it stirred up something within Leon he hadn’t felt in years.

“Victor was right. I do know your face.” 

You glared at him. “Apparently everyone knows me, aren’t I popular today.”

“Your Uncle was a researcher wasn’t he?”

“Nothing new.” You spat in a matter of fact tone, keeping your eyes on Grace and Leon. 

Taking another puff of his cigarette, he quickly snuffed it out beneath his shoe. “You were nothing back then. I could almost remember how easy it was to snap your neck.”

Blinking back in surprise, you were a little taken back by his admission. What the fuck was wrong with all of these people? Never mind that. “Dude…I was just an intern.” 

“Now look at you.” He proudly announced. “Perhaps, they should’ve listened to your Uncle.”

Though you didn’t want to hear anymore of the nonsense he was spewing, you couldn’t help the curiosity that plagued your mind. What did your Uncle hope to gain? “Your Uncle was working with The Connections. Believed his life’s work for creating antivirals was overshadowed by Umbrella’s other pressing projects-“

Letting out a yawn, you interrupted his history lesson. “I’m getting real sleepy.”

Zeno smirked, looking over your figure. “I bet you can’t even fathom you’re a weapon. All that work perfectly preserved in one host. Once Grace helps us uncover Elpis, you will be the next step.”

“Not on my watch.” Leon stepped forward, aiming his gun with you right by his side.

“Don’t embarrass yourself Mr. Kennedy.” 

Shot after shot he fired in Zeno’s direction who moved faster than your eyes could keep up. Shit. You needed to focus if you were going to take him down. Flickering your eyes to Grace then back to Leon, you needed to intervene especially when Zeno was just a bit faster than your dear husband and his rapid regeneration was a critical issue. 

Before you know it he put Leon in a chokehold after elbowing him right in his throat making you spring into action. Jumping on Zeno’s back, you wrapped one arm around his neck while the other had your gun to his temple.

“Don’t make me fuck up your perfect posture.” You growled, giving Leon the opportunity to take another shot, but Zeno was unfortunately quicker.

“Ah I nearly forgot about you-“ He kicked Leon square in his chest, causing him to go flying.

“Leon!” 

Before you could pull the trigger, Zeno reached for your arm, flipping you over his shoulder and slamming your back straight into the ground, knocking the wind right out of you. Iron flooded your mouth, as it felt you were choking on your blood feeling some sort of paralysis setting in. Leon called your name, pain evident in his eyes but when he tried to get up, blood spewed out of his mouth. 

I promise to protect you Leon. 

“How touching.” Using his shoe, Zeno tore your gaze away from Leon directing the attention back on him. “I have to say I’m disappointed. This is bigger than the both of you-“

Lodging your combat knife right in his knee, you could feel your body slowly healing. He staggered back, but was quick to grab you by the top of your head, bringing you to eye level. Wonderful. You kicked the knife further into his knee cap making him drop you as you kicked his legs from underneath him.

“Do you guys ever shut up? Or was that something that was genetically copied from the real Wesker?” 

Oops. 

It wasn’t the first time your mouth got you in trouble. Unfortunately that was never going to change and you kept underestimating his speed. Zeno back handed you, slamming your face straight into the metal railing, breaking your nose in the process and busting open your top lip. He ignored Leon’s and Grace’s pleas to leave you alone as Leon cursed under his breath missing another shot. 

Wiping the blood from your nose, you shakily turned back to Zeno with a grin. “I bet Wesker hit harder.” His hand was wrapped your throat as he pressed you against the railing that was bending rather quickly under the pressure.

“I do wonder how long it’ll take to undercover the mysteries in you.” Tightening his grip around your neck, the lack of oxygen had your lungs and body screaming for air. “How many times do you think I’ll have to cut you open and sow you back together until I get answers?” Dragging his fingers over your stomach intimating that of a surgical tool, he stopped right below your breasts. Your vision darkened, as your body began working overtime to keep you alive, getting ready to defend itself. You needed to control it. Needed to tame it. You couldn’t let it go too far. Digging his hips into you to ground you against the railing, he pushed you further back to get a better look at you-how embarrassing. 

“Maybe you are the next step of human evolution. Perhaps, after I killed him.” He gestured to Leon. “I’ll get you to that next step-“

A bullet went straight through Zeno’s head, giving you time to grab the axe Leon threw your way and embed it deep into Zeno’s neck. You wasted no time to using all your strength into head butting him, cracking his nose in the process and breaking his shades that carelessly fell to the ground. 

“Hard pass creep.” Rolling your neck, you steadied yourself, the shaking in your bones becoming harder to pacify. Breathe. Just breathe. You need control it, you told yourself, for Leon, for Grace, for the ones counting on you.

Adrenaline flooded your veins, your eyes burning so badly they bled, turning a omnious blackish red color replacing your normal soft ones. You didn’t want to get to this stage but your body had a mind of its own, and acted on instinct when threatened close to death or subjected to pain.

“Quite fascinating.” Zeno swung the axe back at you but you side stepped him, grabbing it from him and embedding it on the other side of his neck. 

Your heart was accelerating at an unprecedented rate, and the only thing you tried to hold onto was Leon and your little one at home. You had to go back. You had to do something. But the way your mind seriously fought against you, brainwashing you into killing was something you had not experienced in years. Blinded by rage, you had forgotten where you were and who you were. Everything became blurred and your only objectives was to kill the one that was causing you harm.

“Still disappointing with all your strength. All that power. You can’t see the gift given to you.” An immense pain stabbed through your lower abdomen. “All that wasted potential.” It plunged deeper inside of you, forcing your legs to falter. Unable to even produce a scream, your humanity was slipping forcing you to remain silent. “It’s okay, I can tell you haven’t been subjected to training in your superior form.”

With your mind going, you could still hear him speaking and your body struggled to heal any wounds or possible broken bones or fractures. Zeno gently released until you collapsed on your knees, petting you as he left you there. “Now you stay here. I’ll be back for you later.”

Gritting your teeth, you heard muffled sounds. Why did everything feel so muted? And strange? Muffled sounds of talking. Muffled sounds of gun fire. Nothing was making sense. You were aware something sharp was lodged deep inside of you as blood poured from your mouth. Maybe your body understood that you needed to remove the foreign object to proper heal but the pain was unbearable. 

Forcing yourself to look around, you saw others, and one familiar face stared right at you. The only thing connecting in your mind was home.

“Get up.”

“You need to get up.”

“Please.”

Eventually you blinked at the command, unsure how to follow but you forced yourself to stand. And when you heard your name. A flood of memories pushed through forcing you to remember your purpose, your goal, your family, your husband-

Shit.

Ripping the knife from your gut, you threw it right at the back of Zeno’s head. “Guaranteed to give you headache asshole.” You joked, finally able to break through the mind fog. Though it was a fight hanging onto your consciousness you took a deep breath. “Such a shame, guess you’ll always be second best Zeno.” 

You grinned, picking up your gun you dropped. “Don’t worry though, I’ll get you set up with a nice therapist-if you survive.” 

Cocking your gun, you emptied your clip into his back but when he pulled his gun on Leon you forced yourself to stop.

“You okay?” Leon warily questioned you, ignoring the barrel to his head. Despite how terrifying you must’ve of looked, and your heart on the verge of imploding, you nodded.

“Don’t worry.” 

It wasn’t until Grace threatened to shoot herself did he yield, giving Leon the chance to cause a diversion and escape in the most dangerous way only he could think of.

And while you guys regrouped, you were having difficulty reeling yourself back in. Leaning on a wall, giving yourself some space, you were taking jagged breaths as your body was forcing itself to heal your deepest wound. 

“A-are you okay?” Grace asked trying to approach you, but Leon stopped her and gently grabbed your shoulder instead. You pulled away but he didn’t let go, forcing you to look at him with your eyes twitching about.

“Come back to me.” 

Those simple words struck something inside of you, as you looked into his deep blue eyes and leveled your breathing. Your eyes returned to their normal hue, and you could finally feel yourself coming down from that terrible place.

“I’m here-” Forcing a smile, you winced struggling to take another deep breath. “In pain but you know that goes.” 

Leon stared at you, fatigue crawling up his bones as his eyes were nearly blood shot. “You promised-“

“I promised myself to save you Leon.” Grabbing his chin, you brought him closer. “I think I made out just fine.”

“Barely.”

“That’s not fair to me.” You giggled. Then the realization dawned on you when you remembered Grace was watching the both of you. Her eyes flickered back and forth between you and Leon, seeming to connect the dots. If she did she didn’t say anything.

“I-I didn’t know you were like him.” She pointed out, looking up to the ceiling gesturing to Zeno. 

Shaking your head, you couldn’t help but smile. “Can’t be, I’m not a wanna be clone.” You shrugged, pushing yourself off the wall to wrap your arm around Leon to help him walk. “Now come on, we have to figure out the rest of this mess.” Leading the way through the underground debris of miscellaneous things, Leon was getting weaker. So when you had to send Grace on her own you told her you were proud of her as you let Leon take a breather.

And when you and your husband were finally alone again, you expected him to chastise you. “You can yell at me if you want?”

“What good would that do babe?” 

“I don’t know, you’re quiet. Say something smart.” 

He looked over at you, blood dripping from his mouth as another coughing fit started. “That I should trust you more to fight by my side.”

“Ohhh not that smart now.” You dapped the blood away with a napkin, allowing him to lean on you for support. 

“Smart ass.”

“Hey, you’re the expert. I’m just the humble student.”

“Humble? Is that what they’re callin’ it nowadays.” 

Resting your head on his chest, your hand reached out to feel his heart beat. “When we get back up there-“

“Leon, I’ll do whatever to make sure you’re alive so don’t turn me away. We’ve gone too far at this point.”

Tilting your chin to look up at him, he smirked. “I was going to say, if you’re going to use those abilities of yours, give me a heads up so we can kick his ass together. Can’t let him get away with touching you.”

Ah he was perfect.

“Yes sir!” 

Though your pain was still there since you were rarely ever forced to use your abilities to that extend, you looked and felt much better than Leon. You sat by him through the convulsions, coughing fits and his pain though he never voiced them out loud.

You weren’t sure what you were going to do with Elpis or what was going to happen when you got back up there but when Grace helped you guys find a new path and you guys eventually reunited with her, you knew it was time. It wasn’t going to be easy but you trusted Grace enough to make the right decision. 

And returning to Zeno to see his smug expression, pissed you off but this time you were more in control. Level headed. And you needed to be if you guys were to get out of here. Holding Leon, you watched Grace get to work with the password, giving her a nod of reassurance. 

Thankfully she was successful, and when it opened up to reveal some sort of viral component Zeno didn’t hesitate to take it and use it on himself. And the funniest part of it, it healed him, reversing the virus and essentially purging him of his abilities. 

“That is so funny.” You hummed out in amusement watching how he panicked upon finding out his powers were neutralized. Zeno was in disbelief unsure how to handle the truth of it all. “Such a shame all that intelligence went into being evil. So lame.” 

Injecting Leon with the antiviral, you could see how your husband was quick on his feet and moving faster than he had in ages. You grinned, feeling pride swell inside of you as you joined his side and when you guys had to face Victor-again you both were finally able to destroy the last loose end of Umbrella. Hopefully.

However, when Chris’s team finally decided to show up, you gave them a piece of your mind. “I reached out to Chris days ago, what took you guys so long?” You questioned as they sheepishly apologized to you. You knew it wasn’t their fault since Chris had a phenomenal streak of arriving late to everything but having them rescue you guys made you feel delighted.

And after you checked in with Grace who was in high spirits, you began walking around to stretch your tired legs. It was far from over especially if your Uncle was working with the Connections and his work was practically still flowing through your veins. The antiviral may not work for you but you were glad you could close this chapter of your life and move forward.

“Mrs. Kennedy, got a minute?”

With a smirk, you crossed your arms, barely turning your back to that husky voice. “Depends on who’s asking.”

“Just some guy trying to buy you a drink.” 

Turning back to your dear husband, you couldn’t help but play along. “Unfortunately, you know I’m married.” 

A hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you close. “And he left you here all by yourself?”

You couldn’t help but let out a sigh of contentment, placing your hand on his biceps to feel the rigid muscles you couldn’t wait to explore more of later. 

“Nope, he’ll be here any second and he’s going to kick your ass.” 

“That so?”  He leaned in closer to you, pushing you against a wall, far from any eyes. “Guess I have to show him who’s boss.” 

“Oh no, you have no idea who you’re up against.” You giggled, feeling his warm bruised lips against your own, trailing down to your neck. “Stop, someone’s going to see Leon.”

“Now you’re worried about that?”

Throwing your arms around his neck, you playfully hit his firm chest. “Can’t believe it’s officially over with Raccoon City at least. Didn’t think we’d ever come back here.”

“Me too.” He sighed, looking over the city before diverting his attention back to you. “We’ll get to the bottom of it and eventually cure you, you know?” 

“And if we don’t?” 

“Guess we’re gonna have to continue figuring it out as we go, won’t we? I’m not going anywhere and-” Leon pulled you in once more allowing a small gasp to leave your lips and a sly smirk to spread across his face. You could tell he was up to no good. “Neither are you.” Leaving one more kiss that left you weak in the knees, he grabbed your hand. “Now let’s go home, I have too much pent up energy that I need to release.”

“Ugh, you ruined the moment you perv…I do too.” 

.

.

.

.

Finally getting home was one of the best feelings ever. Your little one was in bed and you were unpacking anything and everything you had on you from the trip. However, a little green herb caught your eye and curiosity started getting the better of you.

Grabbing the herb you extensively observed it between your fingers, leaning on Leon’s bare back in the process. Working your way closer to him you carelessly wrapped your arms around his side, showing him the plant. 

The both of you had been using these on missions for years and never once questioned its healing properties. You didn’t even know how it happened to be in the most convenient places or where they even originated from.  “Are we ever going to question why we use these or….”

Leon looked over the herb with tired eyes. “Hm, better we don’t.”

“Gotcha.” A moment of silence passed. “But you’re not even a little curious?”

“Nope.”

“Fine fine, I’ll let you sleep.” Another moment passed, as you gently placed it on the night stand. Maybe you were blinking too hard in the dark but Leon turned to you wrapping you in his arms.

“Go on, ask your question.”

“I didn’t have a question!” You mumbled under your breath. 

“Liar,” he mumbled, already on the cusp of dozing off again. “I’m listening.”

Cuddling more into his side, you smiled. “Should I plant a bunch of these in the garden? Since you’re already accident prone?”

Leon lightly chuckled, sleep already claiming him again. “Yes babe. Plant whatever…you’ll make it beautiful. You only create beautiful things.”

"And?" she asked, not even bothering to look up. Her voice was flat, draped in boredom.

Jane turned to her, looking genuinely offended as he propped himself up on one elbow. "And? What do you mean, 'and'? You can't treat such a delicate matter with a simple 'and'."

She exhaled. Here we go again.

"It’s just a stain, Jane. I don't see the problem."

"The problem is that it isn't just a stain; we’re talking about the King of Rock and Roll here," he said, falling back onto the sofa. He studied the no-longer-Elvis shape with intense concentration before adding, "Besides, it’s not just that he’s gone—it’s about what his departure signifies."

She frowned, finally turning to face him. "I don’t follow."

Patrick offered a satisfied smile, his eyes sparkling now that he’d successfully baited her into the conversation. He watched her from the comfort of his perch on the sofa.

"Well, you see... it’s not just about the change in appearance. It’s a personality test. If you see Elvis, it means you have a messiah complex and a secret addiction to sequins. If you see a basset hound... well, then you’re emotionally constipated."

She tried to make sense of the consultant’s words, finding herself significantly more confused than she had been five seconds ago.

"Let me see if I’ve got this straight," she began. "You’re telling me that because you see a dog today instead of Elvis... it means you’re practically dead inside?"

Patrick’s smile widened, clearly entertained by the agent’s confusion.

"Ah! The rookie is a quick study. But no—it means you are practically dead inside."

She faltered, completely lost. She opened her mouth as if to ask something, then snapped it shut in resignation, realizing her best bet was to avoid falling into the mental traps of the man on the sofa.

Suddenly, Jane sat up, breaking the silence. "Come now, you’re a state agent! You should be paying more attention. You know as well as I do that the devil is in the details."

She let out a scoff. "I’m a state agent, exactly—not a psychic." She glanced up at the ceiling where the supposed Elvis-stain lived—a ketchup smudge that, to this day, remained a bureaucratic mystery—, then back at the sofa where Jane sat. An idea flickered in her mind. "Besides, hasn't it occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, someone might have moved your couch?"

"Moved my couch?!" Patrick exclaimed, looking at her with a horrified expression, as if she’d just grown a third head. "I’ll have you know this couch has been in the exact same spot for two years. In fact, I named her: Betsy."

She fought back a smile. "Well, I think Betsy is cheating on you. Why don’t you move her about three inches to the left? I bet you’ll have your Elvis back before you can even say... 'Presley.'"

She met his gaze with a defiant, confident smirk. Jane arched his brows, suppressing a smile that threatened to break through, secretly impressed by the girl's quick wit.

He wasn't going to say it out loud, of course.

"So, you think you're quite clever, don't you, rookie?" He narrowed his eyes at her. "I hate to disappoint you, but Betsy has been faithful to me all this time. And you doubt her because of... what? Three inches?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just listen to me. I know what I’m talking about."

It was his turn to falter. She looked so certain that he found himself doubting his own argument—and Jane never doubted himself. "And you’re sure this will bring him back?" he asked, purely skeptical.

She propped an elbow on her desk, resting her chin in her hand. "Humor me, will you? Just move Betsy."

Resigned, Patrick stood up and shifted the sofa exactly three inches in the direction she’d pointed out.

"There. Now what?"

She let out a mock scoff. "Now what? Lie down, genius. Elvis has entered the building."

He settled back onto the leather, squinting at his favorite spot on the ceiling once more. "Oh! Well, look at that. The King has returned." The smile suddenly vanished, replaced by a frown as he lifted his head just enough to catch her eye. "Wait. How did you know the sofa needed moving?"

She was already buried back in her paperwork when she answered, "It’s all about perspective. Besides, you said it yourself: the devil is in the details."

Patrick fell silent for a moment, thoughtful. It was rare to meet someone so observant. Not on his level, of course—no one was, in his mind—but someone who noticed things others missed. Like the fact that Betsy needed to move three inches.

He studied the young agent’s face: the way she moved with a slow, heavy exhaustion, the spark in her eyes, and how the midday sun streaming into the bullpen forced her to squint.

"Huh..." he drifted off, turning fully toward her, his gaze never wavering. "But you see, the problem with Elvis is that I’m no longer sure I even like him."

The agent let her head drop onto the desk with a little thud at Jane's indecisiveness, her forehead hitting the cold wood with a guttural groan of irritation.

God, this man's more stubborn than a mule.

"Would you be so kind to remind me again why I’m stuck here with you instead of out there with the team?"

"Because you’re the rookie, and Lisbon operates under the tragic delusion that I require a babysitter." Patrick shrugged nonchalantly. "Personally, I prefer to think of you as my protégée." He sat up abruptly, rising to his feet and drifting toward her desk. He plucked a stray piece of paper from the floor and began to fold it. "Besides, someone has to fetch my tea and marvel at my… eccentricities, after all"

She sighed again, the sound muffled by the wood of the desk. "Great. I went from state agent to babysitter and waitress. Fantastic..." she muttered sarcastically. She was exhausted, and truth be told, she felt pushed aside. She got along with the others, sure, but she was still the 'new girl,' the 'rookie,' the 'beginner.'

She knew integration wouldn't be easy, but it had been two months and she felt like she’d contributed nothing to the cases beyond case rehearsals and analyzing dusty files from the dark ages that even her boss's boss would never bother to read. She knew she could do more—that she’d be more useful out in the field than rotting behind a desk. She was beyond frustrated.

Then, she felt a light tap on her hair.

She lifted her head, finding herself face-to-face with a small, delicately folded origami swan. She took it between her fingers with a tentative touch, as if it were made of glass, tracing the tiny beak with her index finger. A small smile, nearly imperceptible, flickered across her face, cracking the facade of irritation she’d been wearing.

Patrick noticed. Because he never missed a thing. Not a single detail.

He caught that tiny slip of a smile on her weary face. He saw the way her gaze softened at the sight of the little bird. He noted how, somehow, that one small gesture had caused her shoulders to finally drop.

He had to summon every ounce of self-control to keep from pointing out the shift in her posture. He simply smiled, watching as she placed the swan on her desk next to a pipe-cleaner flower—another of his creations from his idle moments between cases.

He’d realized she kept everything he gave her. It started with the first thing: an anonymous beaded bracelet, a chaotic mess of colors and shapes that she’d hung from her backpack zipper like a lucky charm, wearing a smile very much like the one on her face right now.

Since that day, making her smile like that had become his personal mission.

Which brings us back to the paper swan.

"Looks like I managed to make the grump smile," he said with a smirk, looking a bit smug and deeply satisfied with himself for having accomplished his mission for the day.

"I’m not a grump," she protested. "I just detest being the new hire." She let out a long breath before adding under her breath, "I’d be much more useful out there than in here."

A lightbulb seemed to go off in Patrick’s head as he practically jumped to his feet.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?" he exclaimed, his tone far too upbeat and his smile far too wide—and attractive—for her liking. He began striding toward the office exit.

"Wait, what? No!" She stood up so fast she sent her chair toppling over, racing to stand in front of him with her arms stretched and block the door. "No, no, no. We are not going anywhere. The boss told me—"

"Yes, yes, I know, but I don't care. You said it yourself: you’re more useful out there. So, let's go." He sidestepped her, heading straight for the elevator. When he realized she wasn't following, he called back, "Are you coming or what?"

She watched him go, half-incredulous and half-terrified of what the consultant was about to do. Because with him, you never truly knew.

At that moment, she felt she only had two choices:

Option one, call Lisbon to warn her that the devil was off his leash and wash her hands of the whole mess.

Or option two, follow the very charming but very impulsive mentalist to try to minimize the blast radius of the walking nuclear bomb that he is.

I don’t think I need to tell you which one she picked.

"Dammit, Jane..." she muttered to the empty air before anxiously rushing after him. This man is going to get me fired one of these days.

Jane couldn't help the private smile that touched his lips when he heard her hurried footsteps behind him. He knew she was worried; he knew she thought her job was on the line. But he also knew he’d be the one taking the fall later, happily claiming all the blame. He didn't mind. It was worth it.

Anything to keep her happy.

But that’s something the great Patrick Jane would never, ever, admit.

A/N: Damn, I'm on fire, haha. I've noticed there are not a lot of fics for Patrick Jane, so I decided to write one. This is my first time writing any type of comedy (if you can call it that way), so bear with me... please? As always, this was originally written in spanish so I just translated it. Let me know what you think and also if you want to be on the taglist. I hope you enjoyed it. No sofas were harmed (or cheated on) in the making of this fic. Peace out, bitches! 8)

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