Sifted Soul - Life is lived in Relationship!

You’ve spent your whole life convincing yourself that something is wrong with you when, in fact, the only thing wrong is what you’ve been telling yourself.

You’ve always been, and will always be, good enough!

People will rarely act the way you expect.

They can be cruel, sneaky, mean, hateful, self-serving and even vile.  People can tell you one thing to your face, and then do the complete opposite behind your back.  They can lie and make up stories, spread rumors, gossip, etc.  This can be especially hurtful when it is family or a close friend, but it can be hurtful no matter who it is.  Sometimes, people’s behavior sucks!

When you have to deal with these types of situations, the pain you feel is certainly real.  I do not discount that for a moment.  But, let me ask you this.  Do you have any control over what other adults say or do?  No, you really don’t.  So, what can you do?  

Your thoughts may have gone off into ways in which you could “pay them back” for the pain they’ve caused.  It is human nature to think that way.  I guess it is a balm for your hurt to imagine a little revenge. But, I’m suggesting that you save yourself from your unfettered imagination and not get on that mental hamster wheel. Besides, do you really want the vitriol to continue?  

Just as others show their true selves by what they say and do, so you reveal yourself by how you act.  I am not advocating discarding your feelings.  Feel them.  But, I am asking you to examine what they may be revealing.  What was wounded?  Is your reaction appropriate to what just occurred, or is this an old wound that has been retouched and is now amplified?  Most of us have baggage, and part of our feelings can have absolutely nothing to do with the current situation (I call it baggage, but more often than not it’s just garbage).

So, what do you do with all of the swirling emotions that you may feel?  Your response is important.

Poet, singer and activist Maya Angelou says, “You may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

There are many, many things that you simply have no control over.  Other people’s thoughts, words and opinions fall into that category.  Part of being healthy is understanding that you can only control how you react to those things you cannot control (I hope that makes sense).  Yes, I know it’s uncomfortable.  Yes, I know it’s unfair.  Life is rarely fair.

You decide how you respond.  I ask that you please remember that it is a heavy burden to carry around resentment and hate.  It hurts you, both physically and mentally.  That’s not beneficial for your wellbeing, or peace of mind.  Do you really want to let other people’s thoughts and words have that much control over you?  You know you don’t need to be everything to everyone, right?  

Eunice Camacho Infante has a wonderful quote worth sharing.  She says, “In the end, people will judge you anyway, so don’t live your life impressing others – live your life impressing yourself.”

Unless you can learn from the mistakes of others, life lessons are not free.

Life moves at a quick pace now a days, and we tend to be very busy people.  There are constant demands made upon us from many different directions, and it can feel like we never have enough time to do everything.  We have become too busy for our own good.

Where does this busyness come from? 

I have a theory.  I think most of us need to be constantly busy or entertained because we’ve developed a discomfort with quietness.  If the TV or radio isn’t on, or if we aren’t engaged in some activity, we feel uncomfortable.  We’ve developed an intolerance for silence.  And at its very core, I have to wonder if maybe it reflects a discontentedness with ourselves.

In a sense we’ve forgotten who we are, or at least we’ve decided that who we are is only reflected by the things that we do.  So we stay busy.  But there is a danger that we can create a disconnect between who we really are, what we feel and think, and how we live our life.  This causes an unhealthy division within ourselves. 

Life is a quest to define and reveal who you really are, but in order to do that you need to spend some time reflecting on your experiences, your priorities, and your motivations.  You’ve got to quit covering feelings and issues with activities for the sake of being busy.  This is soul searching; a call to integrate mind, body and spirit.  It is being genuine.  Only then can you move forward with authenticity, living what you believe instead of living someone else’s idea of who you should be. 

But, you may choose to just continue being constantly busy.  It’s easier, for sure.  It’s your choice.  But, a simple word of caution is in order.  In the book Report to Greco, Nikos Kazantzakis penned, “I saw a bee drowned in its honey once, and learned my lesson.”  You can become so busy (even doing things that you believe are good) that you never have the time to find real fulfillment.  In the end my friend, drowning is still drowning.  

What’s under the surface is most important!

See your fears for what they really are, limitations you place upon yourself.

Do not stand close to the burning bridge, lest you choke on the smoke and ash.

Trials are sandpaper to the soul, as the journey constantly refines you.

I am not a therapist, and my writing is not meant to diagnosis or treat any disorder.  If you are having serious issues, please see a professional.  Do it for yourself.  You don’t have to suffer.  Your peace of mind is important! 

I’d like to ask you a personal question.  What do you obsess about?

I have a dear friend who participates in a rigorous, intensive exercise program every single day – in his mind.  He does this by obsessing about everything from past personal mistakes to relationship issues from many, many years ago.  These mental gymnastics interfere with his daily life and cause him untold hours of self-imposed worry and anguish.  It’s gotten so bad that now he worries about being worried!

Most people believe that their worry actually serves some positive purpose.  It doesn’t.  Worry does not prevent bad things from happening, it does not prepare you or motivate you to do your best, and it does not help you solve problems.  The only thing worry does is cause you stress, upset and anxiety.  It takes away your peacefulness and your ability to enjoy life.  There is a healthier way.

The next time you catch yourself ruminating about past mistakes or worrying about things to come, disengage from that thinking pattern by paying attention to the present moment.  Breathe in deeply, and keep your mind on whatever it is that you are actually doing.  This helps you to be aware and mindfully attentive to the present, instead of chasing after some scary or worrisome thoughts in your imagination.  Let the anxious thoughts pass, like clouds blowing across the sky.  Don’t grab onto them or chase after them.  Don’t try to talk back to the thoughts or block them out.  Just let them come and go without attaching any importance to them.  Do not let them disturb your peace, or take you away from reality.  Stay here, in the present moment.  With practice this becomes easier and you will recognize that they are only thoughts, and they don’t require your attention or reaction.

Be gentle with yourself.  Be good to yourself.  Remember, not everything in life is a problem to be solved.

The most important conversation you will have today is with yourself!

With silent resignation we abandon the residue of past pain, confident in the knowledge that the hurt will somehow be transmuted by divine love.  Our only effort is to submit and leave it alone as we move on.

Don’t judge the person you were by the person you are now.

Let us meet where we both can be authentic!  Otherwise, there is no meeting at all.

We all have ideas in our mind about how the next day, the next week, and the next year will unfold.  We hope for the best, but those thoughts are simply wishful thinking.  You really don’t know what the future holds.  When was the last time everything ended-up happening exactly as you planned? 

In reality, life is messy, difficult and at times even hurtful.

Being human means that we deeply yearn to be perfect and complete, yet we often feel a lingering sense of being somehow less than what we should be.  It’s common to feel wounded, broken or in some way cheated by life.

Noted psychologist William James said it is our “torn-to-pieces-hood” that causes great discomfort and frustration.  It’s when our interior thoughts and exterior reality are at odds; like when you feel pulled in different directions by too many demands for your time and attention.  You can feel split.  As an escape, many turn to creating fantasies about how great everything is going to be in the future, and then they suffer when the least little thing doesn’t go according to plan.  This can be challenging because it’s easy to start believing that life is just one problem after another.

Thinking plays a huge role in this process, and it’s our thoughts that have the greatest impact in how much we enjoy and feel satisfied with life.  It’s what we tell ourselves that matters.  As I’ve said before, the most important conversation you will have today is with yourself!

We would do well to remember that everybody struggles from time to time.  Everyone goes through difficulties, everybody fails, and absolutely everyone makes mistakes.  Your failures don’t make you unlovable.  They make you human.  And, being human is our shared condition.  From it comes compassion.

None of us is finished growing, and unfortunately, growth is usually painful.  We are always in the process of becoming.  Life is a pilgrimage.

So, today I am reminding you to please lighten-up and try to enjoy the journey.  Quit making life more difficult and frustrating than it needs to be by adding unrealistic expectations.  Life will never be the way you think it should be, but that’s okay.  You can handle it.

Life is a pilgrimage from where we are, to where we will be; from who we are, to who we will become.

We have all been wounded by others.  We have scars.  Some are deep, caused by those closest to us.  Others are mere scratches, but still painful enough to cause us to wince.  This is our shared experience.

I do not minimize the hurt and pain that you have experienced, but I have to ask - why are you dwelling on it?  You know that the longer you cling to it, the greater power you give it to harm you.

Life flows.  It never stops.  Throw a rock, even a boulder, into a stream and what does the stream do?  It makes its way around the impediment.  Yes, the rock is real.  It is hard.  It now becomes a part of the stream, but the soft, flowing strength of the water continues past it.

Quit playing with the wound, so it can heal.  Be present where you are, not stuck where you were.  Flow.  Flow. 

Joy is when head, heart and hand are in unity.