shane hollander’s figure skating cross training

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

the idea of this corn snake chilling in the equivalent of a snake mansion is KILLING ME. there are children with less space and enrichment than spaghetti.

also shane at 18 was still making an impression on his team in montreal and knew by then that "hey, i have a snake" gets side eyes he doesn't necessarily want, so only hayden knows about spaghetti on the montreal team, but after he's on the ottawa team, spaghetti comes up because ilya needs someone to understand his pain, and it becomes a superstition that if spaghetti eats his mouse no problem, then they have good luck for the next 10-14 days until he eats again. shane literally get @'d if the team knows it's Spaghetti Feeding Day and he doesn't report in of his own accord.

ilya HATES this superstition. it's not enough that the snake lives in the same house as him where he lays his sweet head each night. now spaghetti is even in the groupchat. he gets ASKED about SPAGHETTI THE SNAKE at his JOB!!!! he has SUFFERED!! more than JESUS!!!

reblogging with my own tags because i'm actually so emotional about the idea of shane like. not expecting ilya to interact with or even like spaghetti. shane knows people don't like snakes. (even his mom put on a good show, but he knows she does NOT fuck with spaghetti as a concept and was happy when he moved out along with shane to montreal). spaghetti gets introduced to ilya at the cottage, but like. the snake has his own room for a reason. a lot of people don't like snakes, and shane has also had the reptile owner experience of people even wanting his pet to be dead or talking about how they would kill him. so shane doesn't talk a lot about spaghetti, and he KNOWS ilya does not like his snake. and that's okay. ilya is willing to be in the same house as spaghetti and not say anything bad about him, and that's good enough.

and i am SO in my feelings imagining ilya getting to shane's house earlier than him one day during the season when they're still long distance and shane finding him in spaghetti's room talking to him. and ilya is clearly a little unnerved by this snake but is just, "if you could do less with the tongue, i think would be better for me, if you can manage this. *pause* see, no, it feels like you just did EXTRA tongue thing just because i asked you not to." and shane is??? hello??? what are you doing???

and ilya is a little flustered getting caught talking to spaghetti but also says he was trying to get used to spaghetti because he knows shane likes carrying him around but doesn't when ilya is over, and ilya doesn't want him to not get to carry his pet around if he wants to just because of him.

@merliren

tears in my eyes laughing at the idea of yuna drinking her wine and thinking, "oh you poor fool," because she senses a kindred "does NOT fuck with snakes" spirit, but that's something shane gets to handle on his own.

but meanwhile ilya who had not previously considered the idea that the snake could ever comprehend or desire escaping his enclosure is just when the snake did WHAT

CACKLING

ilya thinking he's soliciting a dick pic just to get a selfie of spaghetti and is just??? what is this weird powerplay?? hollander YOU used the word first.

"okay, now your other snake"

"i only have one"

*ilya facing all of the stages of grief that he still wants to fuck this person so bad*

"yes, i know. picture."

(another picture of spaghetti)

"hollander, send me a photograph of your cock."

Make that man passionate for alive things and Give rhat man an alive thing and he will make sure it is The Most Alive Thing Ever

ham hollander has her own dietician on call and a DETAILED exercise regimen

multiple ikea shelves modified to have glass on one side, mesh doors at the top. it’s at LEAST 1m by 0.5m and at least 25cm deep (very possibly more if it’s a bigger hamster— i had the tiniest breed). ham hollander has MULTIPLE types of substrate, sand, and bedding, including real branches and wood from around the cottage (sanitized in the oven, of course).

she’s got a pre-built wooden nest at the bottom with a wildlife camera to see her; crucially, this is her bathroom. she will Not be observed when she sleeps. there is also a wildlife camera looking over the surface. on her wheel there’s a bike odometer that shane paid someone to rig to track how many kilometres she runs per night and how fast she goes. it is documented and calculated in a spreadsheet that shane had favourited on his phone. (i looked into doing this myself— it involves a raspberry pi to do automatically. some comp sci person had the strangest side job).

every month or so, shane gets an order of different wheat, barley, flax, and other sprays. at first ilya thinks this is some kind of diet thing, but no. the flax seeds are for ham hollander, and she fucking loves them. shane also has live mealworms in the fridge for her, and she gets them every other day or so. her food is purchased from a local, even more hamster obsessed person and has all the nutrients needed.

ham hollander was also, of course, bought from an ethical hamster breeder (the pet store hamster trade is fucking atrocious). he hand selected her, and paid someone (probably a kid of one of david’s college friends) to drive 8+ hours one way to pick her up and bring her back to montreal once she was old enough to be separated from (eat) mama.

she likes to hang out in the pockets of shane’s sweatpants. her favourite thing is the world is when shane is sitting on the couch, hand in his pocket, and she’s in his hand in the pocket cave absolutely annihilating an organic walnut.

the idea of shane having a separate small fridge in the garage where he keeps frozen mice for spaghetti, but this means when ilya asks about it in passing while shane is looking for water shoes, he's distracted and just goes, "oh, drinks and spaghetti" and ilya just ??? you have?? freezer just for pasta????? actually no this sounds like a Rule you would make yeah sure why not.

Spaghetti is all curled up and a little stressed out, since Shane so rudely removed him from his favorite piece of bark. But hey, this is nice and warm, and oooh, wow, that's a cave! Spaghetti likes caves.

In less than three seconds Spaghetti has slithered inside Ilya's sleeve. He is standing very still. There is a snake slowly wriggling over his armpit and he is not going to scream because he is So Incredibly Manly. The snake has flickered its tongue over Ilya's chest. He can feel its tiny snake nose poking around his nipple. If this snake bites his nipple he will make Shane sleep on the couch.

The snake climbs up to Ilya's neck and settles in a squiggly-shape on his shoulder, with its head peeking out of his collar. Shane turns around to put the disinfectant bottle away and pauses.

"Awww!" he coos. "You look so cozy!"

"Yes, he is very cozy." Ilya says. His voice is a little high-pitched. "Maybe he should go back now. We interrupted his nap."

"Oh, it's fine for him to be out a little longer," Shane says. "You're warm, he likes you."

"Well, it was rude to disturb him. Probably we should let him rest." Ilya says, trying to dislodge the invader from his shirt. Fucker. It's a good shirt and now he's stretching it out trying to evict a reptile. The things he does for love.

Shane takes pity on him and scoops Spaghetti out of Ilya's collar, then drapes him over a plant and shuts the enclosure door.

"You were very brave, babe." he tells Ilya, and kisses his cheek.

"I was not scared. I am very strong, very cool hockey player. It takes more than a little animal to scare me." Ilya lies.

It is always okay!!

I disagree that they would fight over shane’s relationship with yuna or like shane not saying no to yuna’s scheduling him for photoshoots or w/e, mostly because yuna seems to have stepped back from managing shane and into managing the irina foundation in tlg and also in tlg ilya and yuna poke fun at shane together a lot. so I think the yuna based fight would because ilya is going on and on about, “oh yuna did this and isn’t that so funny? And shane, yuna says that you should do this and she’s got good hockey sense.” coming home from dinner with the inlaws and its after a roadie where the centaurs lost a couple of what should be easy games and shane’s already exhausted and snippy and he goes, “yeah, I know ilya, I was there.” and ilya’s like, “but you don’t listen. This is why I’m the favorite son.” and shane snipes back, “she’s not your fucking mom, ilya. I don’t need to hear my husband parroting my mom all the time.” and its not a blow up fight but ilya is silent for the rest of the drive and immediately goes out back to smoke when they get home.

I think the first instance of shane seeing the boyfriend ilya mask break after they are married it leads to a fight because shane knows that ilya was hiding how bad it was getting but its one thing to know that and its another thing to like see your boyfriend slapping himself in the face hard in the mirror before a game and to see him play so reckless that he ends up with a split lip and a broken nose against a team that was in the bottom half of the league for penalty minutes and after when shane tells ilya that maybe he should bring it up to galina because he’s trying to be on the lookout for stuff like this now ilya does not react well.

Shane gets really focused on wanting to know more about russia because he really wants to know more about ilya’s childhood and doesn’t know how to ask those questions. So instead he’s asking generally about moscow and hoping that ilya fills in the rest, and shane doesn’t know this because its not a day that ilya keeps track of like his parents’ deaths but its right around alexei’s birthday so the last thing ilya wants to think about is russian because then he’s thinking about alexei and how he mother would be heartbroken that they ended up like this and then ilya’s snapping and going, “Fuck hollander, let’s just go to russia together! We can both be fucking arrested! Maybe they’ll send us to the same camps! Nice relaxing vacation, no?”

Ilya’s snuck out to smoke in the middle of the night because he couldn’t sleep even with shane there next to him and shane catches him, still half asleep, and goes, “if you kill yourself with lung cancer, i’ll never forgive you” like he’s said a thousand times before and ilya’s rolling his eyes and says, “don’t worry, that’s not how I’d kill myself.” and its supposed to be a joke but shane’s face falls and its less of a fight and more of ilya trying to walk it back and shane not letting him so it does feel worse than their blow up fights.

harris gently pulls shane aside, and very seriously lays out his concerns, expecting shane (and maybe yuna) so come up with a strategy.

and shane responds: “well yeah, it’s funny. we came up with the detailed plans to blow up the chamber of commerce together. the milk was expired so we had to.”

I posted a new fic on ao3! Inspired by @wemightnevermakeitout, it's about Ilya crashing out post-tuna meltdown, until he tells Marleau his mom is dead (in a very Ilya way). (Cannon compliant)

I wrote this in like two days and it got away from me a little bit– but I loveee a good dead mom joke.

because in 1999 a series of apartments got bombed in russia. the fear from the bombings boosted putin’s popularity and “justified” starting a war in chechnya; it’s sort of an open secret that the russian government was behind the bombings, even though they deny it. once he’s in boston ilya hears a “bush did 9/11” and/or “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” joke and gathers the facts: building got bombed, the fear increased bush’s popularity and “justified” starting wars in iraq and afghanistan; so bush did 9/11? yeah that sounds like an open secret.

He'll do this on purpose because "okay, I guess having more than the necessary amount of confirmation is weird, so I'll keep the rest in the bathroom and only leave 1 or 2 in the nightstand." And he's thinking he absolutely nailed this Sexual Interaction™

Meanwhile Ilya is going to be mentally CRASHING THE FUCK OUT that there are only two sad little condoms left in the drawer.

After those run out, he tries to figure out how to buy those individually packaged ones clinics use in a small enough quantity- because they obviously buy in large bulk sizes but he only needs like, 3 a year and he doesn't want to buy so many that will just expire before he can use them and-

And this is how Shane becomes the guy everyone in the league knows has condoms to give away. He buys the stupidly large bulk box of individually packaged condoms and decides it's 'normal' and 'being a good Captain' to give them out to every single guy on the team before outings. Then, because hockey players are the biggest gossips outside of suburban mothers, it gets around the whole league that Shane Hollander always has condoms on him and he will give you them if you ask. (there are many chirps about it being so funny that the Golden Boy 'virgin' Shane Hollander carries condoms that he probably "doesn't even use")

Shane Hollander routinely uses sunscreen(for safety against skin cancer) and washes his face with a sensitive skin friendly soap in the shower. He uses the same bar for his entire body.

Beyond that his smooth skin is entirely coincidental. Ilya is very jealous of this. Ilya wears hair products, styles himself meticulously and has tried multiple skincare routines. None of which are giving him the supple skin he desires.

The first time Ilya goes to Shane's real apartment and not the sex condo he is outraged by the number of unused samples of skincare products, mostly because these brands are choosing to work with Shane when he knows for a fact that Shane does nothing to properly take care of his skin.

Shane's bathroom sink is barren.

Shane *enters Ilya's bathroom*: why do you have so much clutter in here

Ilya *outraged*: is not clutter Hollander we did not all climb out of womb and become world's prettiest man by accident

Shane *having no filter*: why do you bother with it if it doesn't work?

he would have SO many opps if he didn’t play hockey where. let’s face it, only ilya and less than 10 other players in the entire league actually care about skin care

Ilya: (drops typical Slavic horror stand-up lore)

Hollanders: (horrified)

Ilya: What?

Yuna: Are you... Are you alright, honey?

Ilya: Yeah?!