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@itskurwanumber5
There are many Shane crash out fics but how about
Shane posts a video
"Well as my ex teammates like to discuss my love life so much, our defenceman Gilbert Comeau, married with 2 angelic kids, is sleeping with our pretty SMM eight years younger than him. Apparently his wife is not enough. Hello, Mrs Comeau!" (cute bitchy hand wave)
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Ilya vs Shane in terms of hockey be like
Lasker vs Capablanca
It's not that someone here is superior, they just have different styles. Both are chess style players, mind.
That's why Hunter needed them both hurt to win the Cup plotwise btw, GC shows him sooo straightforward.
And that's how after they retire as players the career paths would be different. Ilya would coach, but Shane would be in the booth commenting or writing hockey analysis. What to do vs what is going on and where they fucked up.
the funniest part about carter vaughn ally is him assuming any man doing figure skating must be gay. vaughn voice men ice dancing? seems kinda 💅… which i totally support by the way love is love!
Don't let him see "suck it like a champion" ad with Plushenko
no official casting on Ilya's therapist cause i know they're trying to make scheduling work with miss katya zamolodchikova, the only right choice for that role
...guys
Guys
Galina is a name popular with boomers and older
I just can't imagine Galina not being a grandma, I can't
I need like
Helen Mirren-esque someone
So Sasha's last name is never mentioned but what if it's something like Yunusov
And what if someone misreads his and Ilya's last names at some point like
"Romanov and Yusupov, can you be quiet?!"
And they are called "your Lordships" and "dukes" ever since by fellow dudes
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Of course Ilya smokes and has suicidal tendencies, have you seen Soviet cartoons
Suicide attempts:
Once Upon a Dog
Film, Film, Film (several times)
The Return of the Prodigal Parrot (ep 3)
Smoking:
Well, Just You Wait! (almost any episode)
Cheburashka and Gena the Crocodile show (Gena is a pipe smoker)
The Return of the Prodigal Parrot (ep 3)
Once Upon a Dog
Film, Film, Film
Treasure Island (although it had anti-smoking and anti-drinking songs!)
Prostokvashino
Adventures of Captain Wrongel
Investigation Led by Kolobki
Cossacks
The Story of a Crime
Add up!
Top of Russian charts in 00s:
Korol i shut, "I'm gonna throw myself off a cliff"
Splin, "My heart" ("she wanted to hang herself, but the exam session was around the corner")
Agatha Christie, "Decadence" ("and I'll shoot myself while Sting is playing")
Borzov, Delfin and HIM, I am looking at you
Also literally 80% of Letov's songs if you squint
And that's just all I can remember in a matter of a minute
OP are Russian authors ok?!
Nope they are not, and we study suicidal poets and stuff like The Storm by Ostrovsky at school :)
Ilya: trains his dog daughter like it's his mission, gets her into herding classes, ends up buying a couple of sheep for her (Sir Paul I am looking at you)
Shane: the dad who said he didn't want the dogTM: Spoils her rotten, always snuggles with her on the sofa, buys her dog Gucci, makes her the healthiest dog food from scratch
Meanwhile Anya's favourite hooman is David. She clocked his nature, she knows she can play catch with him as long as she wants because he can't say no to his dog granddaughter
Yuna: Have you ever thought of defence training?
Ilya: Only if I can get my hands on a VEO. Er... Soviet service dog. Healthy, big, super effective.
Shane: (le gasp) You want our children to bite people?
Ilya: The paps.
Shane: ...nice
Headcanon of the day:
Shane has a about 15 different recipes he cycles though because he knows he likes them and he knows how to cook them. They are easy to make and prepare. Sometimes he’ll stumble across something new he wants to try and he’ll switch one out or just add one to the rotation. He has a routine he likes and follows.
Ilya does not. He has his meals prepped and such but he doesn’t have a schedule or a recipe cycle the same way he Shane does. He plans for the week rather than the month and regularly finds new recipes on social media from gym bros that look so gross he has to try them just because.
At first Shane doesn’t notice however when they move in together it doesn’t take long for Shane to realize that his husband might be slightly crazy because why is there a pan in the fridge filled with some form of orange jello stuff that upon closer inspection of the pantry has too be made from the bag of beef gelatin. He just stands there staring at the glass container in horror until Ilya walks in.
Shane, without looking away from the jello, “what the fuck is that?”
Ilya, looking confused between Shane and the container, it’s sugar free jello with like 100g of protein.. why?
Shane, horrified turning to Ilya fully, what do you mean??? You are already reaching your protein goals fine?! There’s no need for YHAT???
Ilya, concerned, Shane, baby, I just found the recipe online and got curious.. what is problem?
Shane, looking over at the container again and shivering, get it out of here please the texture of that thing is going to make me throw up.
Ilya, blinking but also very amused now, okey
That’s not to say that Ilya stops with the awful recipes he still tries them now he just has Shane looking at him either horrified, concerned or disappointed when he tries them out and when they do as expected turn out awful Shane gets to say I told you so.
(This is a weekly thing btw)
Beef gelatin
(laughing) that's practically kholodets! Traditional Russian (disgusting) dish!
Wait actually??? I based this on a TikTok recipe that found me 😭💀
I tell you more, it's a legit holiday dish along with Olivier salad, something to have on your table on New Year's Eve. There is a part of Slavic cuisine which is wild to foreigners like kholodets, squash caviar and pork fat and damn I don't want to touch it myself too 🫠
Lockout AU shenanigans know no end
Vasya: I told you to get the flu shot, didn't I?
Shane: (caught a cold on a train to St Petersburg) (coughing) I did!
Kovalsky: We are fucked! Motya's shoulder still hurts from the implant. Senya is a fucking cuntling, it's his second adult game. It's gonna be just like last year.
(knock knock)
Vasya: What?
SKA center: So Hollander is sick?
Vasya: Came to gloat or what?
SKA center: Move. (approaches Shane) Here. Grammy's raspberry varenye and zvezdochka balm. I want an honest rematch, bitch.
Kovalsky: (giggling) Sponsor's goods?
SKA center: Zvezdochka is good stuff!
Vasya: ...it IS good stuff. Shenya, lose your tee.
Shane: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
Kovalsky: (gets the kettle going)
Vasya: (fights Shane for his tee)
SKA center: (helps)
Shane: (screeches) YACEK SAVE MEEEEEE
Yacek: (at a pub down the street) Guys, did you hear that?
Maestro: What?
Yacek: Eh I guess I am hearing things.
Maestro: St Pete's ghosts?
Yacek: Cheers to Fyodor Mikhailovich.
Maestro: Cheers!
Headcanon of the day:
Shane has a about 15 different recipes he cycles though because he knows he likes them and he knows how to cook them. They are easy to make and prepare. Sometimes he’ll stumble across something new he wants to try and he’ll switch one out or just add one to the rotation. He has a routine he likes and follows.
Ilya does not. He has his meals prepped and such but he doesn’t have a schedule or a recipe cycle the same way he Shane does. He plans for the week rather than the month and regularly finds new recipes on social media from gym bros that look so gross he has to try them just because.
At first Shane doesn’t notice however when they move in together it doesn’t take long for Shane to realize that his husband might be slightly crazy because why is there a pan in the fridge filled with some form of orange jello stuff that upon closer inspection of the pantry has too be made from the bag of beef gelatin. He just stands there staring at the glass container in horror until Ilya walks in.
Shane, without looking away from the jello, “what the fuck is that?”
Ilya, looking confused between Shane and the container, it’s sugar free jello with like 100g of protein.. why?
Shane, horrified turning to Ilya fully, what do you mean??? You are already reaching your protein goals fine?! There’s no need for YHAT???
Ilya, concerned, Shane, baby, I just found the recipe online and got curious.. what is problem?
Shane, looking over at the container again and shivering, get it out of here please the texture of that thing is going to make me throw up.
Ilya, blinking but also very amused now, okey
That’s not to say that Ilya stops with the awful recipes he still tries them now he just has Shane looking at him either horrified, concerned or disappointed when he tries them out and when they do as expected turn out awful Shane gets to say I told you so.
(This is a weekly thing btw)
Beef gelatin
(laughing) that's practically kholodets! Traditional Russian (disgusting) dish!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Season seats are on this Saturday yayyy at last
Meanwhile I am looking at the Spartak prices war in the comments, people's team my ass 50k for 2nd level seats are you nuts
NHL vs KHL most obvious differences that can be played with in fanfics
1. Handshakes
NHL: none until final game in playoff series
KHL: every game in the regular season, but in the playoffs none until the final game in the series
(Ilya goes for the handshakes in his first NHL game and gets dragged by the jersey by one of the vets.
Ilya: ...no handshakes? Barbaric)
2. Minimum age
NHL: 18
KHL: 16 (some players do both adult and junior leagues while they are 16-18) (which is wild) (so the Loko boy took 2 cups this year)
(Ilya: Great, I am a rook with rook responsibilities again. Fuck my life. When will it end.)
3. Cap space
NHL: THERE IS CAP SPACE
KHL: Domination of the oil companies sponsored clubs (ARGH!)
4. Draft system
NHL: there is one
KHL: out of the junior club straight to the adult roaster!
5. Pimping the players to other clubs
NHL: NO WAY
KHL: Yes way!
(there are also rink size and ref work differences, so technically NHL play is more aggressive, and "tough guy" position is not common for KHL at all. I think poor bb Ryan Price would have loved it if not for the whole queer unfriendly laws. Why not try out European leagues Ryan, why not Sweden)
Shane: (watching An Ordinary Miracle) (crying) Why the fuck did you say it was a comedy?
Ilya: (awkward) (because of the whole Princess and Bear thing) Because it is?
Shane: Comedies shouldn't make you cry!
Ilya: ??? They should??? Unless they are dumb???
Shane: You are insane
Ok wait
How is Sibir going to pay Kuzya
He's damn expensive
Not the last reason for this HC being somewhere at the bottom of the chart is that Sibir's owners are not Gazprom or Tatneft or Rosneft. It's the city administration. Have you seen the roads in Novosibirsk there is no fucking money
And they somehow finished the new rink on top of that???
Did they find a new crimelord sugar daddy???
(frantically googling whether Taran is still alive)
upd
Oh he's out of prison apparently!
Cat man Shane
He is not touchy feely and he's super chill about animals, and that's why the cats adore him
They feel the vibe and come to cuddle
It started in the middle school, the first time he went for a sleepover with a teammate who had a cat: the kitty decided it was fine to sleep next to Shane
Then another cat, and another
And Shane got a cat whisperer reputation over the years
And Shane is like.
Actually, cats are fine 🙂 they don't want a lot of attention 🙂 they are independent 🙂 but they come to cuddle at night 🙂 it's nice 🙂
And in his first year in MTL when a stray kitten is found at the rink, the team turns to Shane collectively, do you want one?
Well, he's a grown man now, he lives on his own, right? Why the fuck not.
That's how Ragnarök appears at his place
(Yuna: Look at this fat furball, it's not Ragnarök, it's Cinnabun
Shane: Okay 🙂)
And then bringing stray cats to Shane becomes a thing. Like, he pays for the cleaning service and a pet sitter for away games, it's not a hardship.
There are sweet cats, chill cats, always hungry cats, aggressive cats, playful cats, the whole spectrum.
...
The first time Ilya comes to Shane's actual apartment, not the sex cave, he sees Horus chilling on a couch and runs for him.
Ilya: КИСА (picks him up to pet)
Shane: NO STOP HE'S A PSYCHO
Horus: (bites Ilya's forearm up to the dentures, escapes)
Ilya: ...ouuuuch
Shane: (sigh) Don't touch Horus or Belial, they bite. Belial can attack you unprovoked by the way, so you may want to stay away from him, he's the one with stripes.
Ilya: (blinks) You have a cat on your shoulder.
Shane: It's Cinnabun. I sort of taught him to do this when he was a kitten. Who knew he would grow up to be 16 pounds of kitty.
Ilya: ...how many cats do you have exactly?
Shane: 🙂
Ilya's forearm produced pus for two weeks after the bite, Horus left scars. In this AU Hayden bonds with Ilya because he has scars from Horus too. Horus tried to maim half the roaster of the Voyageurs actually.
Drapeau: ...wait if he's your boy, has he met Horus?
Shane: He has scars to prove it.
JJ: ...the dude is a member of the blood club, huh
Shane: what blood club
Voyageurs: ...
Shane: WHAT BLOOD CLUB
(Ilya rechristens Cinnabun again, the kitty becomes Cat Behemoth. Shane actually likes it so much more than Cinnabun.)
Ragnarök aka Cinnabun aka Cat Behemoth
Shane's first. Chills on his shoulder like a pirate's parrot. Never meows, quiet af, scares the guests.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Cat man Shane
He is not touchy feely and he's super chill about animals, and that's why the cats adore him
They feel the vibe and come to cuddle
It started in the middle school, the first time he went for a sleepover with a teammate who had a cat: the kitty decided it was fine to sleep next to Shane
Then another cat, and another
And Shane got a cat whisperer reputation over the years
And Shane is like.
Actually, cats are fine 🙂 they don't want a lot of attention 🙂 they are independent 🙂 but they come to cuddle at night 🙂 it's nice 🙂
And in his first year in MTL when a stray kitten is found at the rink, the team turns to Shane collectively, do you want one?
Well, he's a grown man now, he lives on his own, right? Why the fuck not.
That's how Ragnarök appears at his place
(Yuna: Look at this fat furball, it's not Ragnarök, it's Cinnabun
Shane: Okay 🙂)
And then bringing stray cats to Shane becomes a thing. Like, he pays for the cleaning service and a pet sitter for away games, it's not a hardship.
There are sweet cats, chill cats, always hungry cats, aggressive cats, playful cats, the whole spectrum.
...
The first time Ilya comes to Shane's actual apartment, not the sex cave, he sees Horus chilling on a couch and runs for him.
Ilya: КИСА (picks him up to pet)
Shane: NO STOP HE'S A PSYCHO
Horus: (bites Ilya's forearm up to the dentures, escapes)
Ilya: ...ouuuuch
Shane: (sigh) Don't touch Horus or Belial, they bite. Belial can attack you unprovoked by the way, so you may want to stay away from him, he's the one with stripes.
Ilya: (blinks) You have a cat on your shoulder.
Shane: It's Cinnabun. I sort of taught him to do this when he was a kitten. Who knew he would grow up to be 16 pounds of kitty.
Ilya: ...how many cats do you have exactly?
Shane: 🙂
Ilya's forearm produced pus for two weeks after the bite, Horus left scars. In this AU Hayden bonds with Ilya because he has scars from Horus too. Horus tried to maim half the roaster of the Voyageurs actually.
Drapeau: ...wait if he's your boy, has he met Horus?
Shane: He has scars to prove it.
JJ: ...the dude is a member of the blood club, huh
Shane: what blood club
Voyageurs: ...
Shane: WHAT BLOOD CLUB
(Ilya rechristens Cinnabun again, the kitty becomes Cat Behemoth. Shane actually likes it so much more than Cinnabun.)
Idea! Because I love Radulov & Surin dynamic (you are 18 and your work bestie is 38)
(Scott's age is more show canon)
Shane & Ilya are caught fooling around just before the draft night by Grigory. Grigory attacks them both (but mostly Ilya) with a belt. Scandal, Ilya gets disowned, Shane & Ilya are not the first picks anymore.
But some clubs on a chiller side go like
Hmm we are more frugal than homophobic, if we can get a star player and pay him less just because of this fuck-up...
So they are picked 10th and 13th by Admirals and San Francisco (who is picked first is irrelevant at this point)
Ilya is billeting with Scott
Carter: Well you got a new dad now I guess. An upgraded version!
Ilya: More like daddy
Scott: Rook please stop (to the coach) WHY ME
