Selsar

there was once a little boy.

he is born disabled. his body hurts, and he can't walk properly the way the other children do. he doesn't understand why. he's a little boy. but he plays with wooden boats and pulls toys on a string.

somebody makes him a tunic. they sew ducks onto it in red and green and yellow and blue. the bright colours of a child.

the little boy is eight years old, and he's going to be king now. there's a big ceremony about it. he doesn't really fully understand what's going on, because he's eight, but he wears the tunic with the brightly coloured ducks for the occasion because he loves it. look at his ducks! aren't they great?

he is a child. the adults around him manipulate and coax him to gain more power for themselves. he still plays with toys.

as a teenager, not yet an adult, he fathers children. they do not survive. he's not even old enough to have full agency in his job and is still being manipulated, but he had babies and they died.

he does not make it to his twenties. at eighteen or nineteen years old he dies, and is buried. his babies, so tiny, are buried with him.

and so is his tunic with the little ducks that he loved so much he kept it long after it no longer fit.

yeah i think that like. especially with historical figures in your mind people who were kings and queens or important nobles were adults. even if you know how old they were it doesn't really click. it doesn't seem real

but then you get something like a little tunic with brightly coloured ducks on it and it hits you like a fucking truck that this really was a little kid and no matter how far removed you are a little kid is still a little kid. their brains didn't develop any quicker back then. he was just as developed/mature mentally as any 8 year old now. he had cartoonish animals on his clothes and he played with toy boats and probably terrorised the local cat population.

tutankhamun was a child and he didn't make it to adulthood because he was unfortunate enough to be a very important child

his dad died when he was 8. he saw his own babies die when he was still just a boy himself.

tutankhamun had a little pair of sandals with ducks on them. he had earrings decorated with ducks. he kept those, and other items of childhood clothing. some toys. keepsakes. things he loved, and treasured. he kept them all in a little wooden chest. the chest... was carved with ducks.

and that little duck chest, filled with things he kept from his childhood, was buried with him. maybe he was keeping them for the little babies who did not make it. maybe they just reminded him of good days and fun times.

https://www.reddit.com/user/riverfollower712/

Anyways. I spent 1 night searching etsy for the queerest stores I could possibly patronize, while also having products with plausible deniability for homophobic relatives bc I don’t want to start a riot on the spot I just want to have a nice innocuous gift that comes from a source that would absolutely make them furious if they knew. My goal was to find someone who donates to a charity like the Trevor Project so I could get An Innocuous Non-Gay Looking Item but cackle inside knowing that the gift money is actually going to The Gays.

Here’s some stores that I was delighted to find but didn’t quite make the cut for the incredible specific things I was looking for. 

JabaCrafts: sells a variety of what looks like very nice soaps, some are Normal and could be used for Homophobic Relative Gifts, a percentage of money (they didn’t say how much..?) from the sale of only the Pride-themed soaps goes to local LGBTQ+ charities. 

TrandleBoutique: Transwoman-owned shop with Pride candles. Also sells plain colored candles that could be used as Homophobic Relative Gifts whilst directly funding a trans artisan.

TBrosSoapCo: LGBT-owned (I”m assuming they’re a trans man based on the prominent T pun in the title, which also includes a hypodermic needle so heads up if you hate those, the soaps look like they come stamped with the design so unfortunately I can’t use these as Homophobic Relative Gifts but I love this store and may one day have to patronize them For Me) and their soaps look very nice 

SpookiiBubbles: Has spooky/Halloween-themed stuff, which I love; also has a bi and a neon rainbrow pride design, donates the profits from the pride-themed soaps to the LGBTQ bail fund. 

WildRaeBoutique: donates 3 dollars from the sale of every rainbow pride soap to the Trevor Project. Also has Innocuous Non-Gay Items For Homophobic Relatives. 

Runner-ups: stores that are just very fun and also have 1 or 2 Pride options so like, casual allies 

JiroSoap: INCREDIBLY CUTE soaps, some are CAT THEMED, have 3 rainbow designs and all are gorgeous

HarnettHeritage: just some very cute molded soaps in a variety of themes (I was sorely tempted by the Halloween potions set) and they have one rainbow pride option 

HoneyBubbleSoaps: has one Pride design and some other very nice items (the rose loofah soap is beautiful and would make a great gift) 

PeppyLittleSoapShop: has some very interesting soap designs/scents, also sells some pride designs and offers to custom-make any pride flags they don’t currently offer. 

Bonus: items I’ve found that I, personally, am getting, for me

LA Ramen Girl: cute ghost pride pins, donates 10% to the Trevor Project. 

TabKimpton: has a sparkly headstone patch that says CAN’T BURY THIS GAY and I have literally never in my life vibed with something more omg 

And here’s what I ended up deciding to go with.

The Ultra Stealth Gay Christmas Present for Homophobic Relatives

FlambeboyantCandles. 

They have subtle pride-color candles and candles inspired by drag queens. The entire shop is gay as hell and donates a percentage (again idk how much but I believe them) to the Rainbow Railroad, a Canadian organization that helps queer people escape from persecution in other countries. And the candles just look cool and based on the reviews smell quite nice. They are a bit more pricey than some other stuff on this list, about 20 bucks per candle, but I’m willing to pay that price for a once-yearly Gay Rights Stealth Homophobic Relatives Gift. 

“What do you think?” God asked as we passed a nineteen-way taking place in a pool of champagne. Little cherubs flitted overhead armed with mops and cleaning supplies, thankfully. “Lust is our most popular sin.” I eyed the supermodel-like figures of a couple passing nearby, and could easily see why. “You can look however you want. Hell, you can be whatever gender you want. No fetish is too taboo, and no desire can be denied here.”

It was quite tempting, but I wasn’t ready to make a permanent decision here. “Let’s see the others,” I told God.

We carried on to Greed. We passed rows and rows of mansions, each more opulent than the next. Some of them were so large that they would have had enough bed rooms to fit my entire hometown. And so many different styles: one second, we were in a beautiful French vineyard in front of a gorgeous chateau with the Alps in the background. The next second, a warm tropical beach with a modern mansion atop breathtaking cliffs. After that, a ski chalet in Colorado with a roaring fire in a hearth large enough to fit an ox. Each one had various Italian sports cars and Rolls Royces parked in front, with the occasional smattering of boats, helicopters, etc.

“Any material desire you ever wanted,” God explained. “Your own world, where you can have everything. You want the Hope Diamond? You can fly to Washington DC in your own solid gold helicopter and buy it from the Smithsonian. Hell, you can just buy the Smithsonian.”

Also tempting, but I decided to keep looking.

Gluttony was next up. Tables and tables of the very finest foods: beautiful steaks cooked medium rare; butter-poached lobster tail; fresh oysters on a half shell; exotic wines in dusty bottles that had been hiding in the cellars of the world’s finest restaurants. Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand and simply lounged on couches and chairs near the tables, eating endlessly. As soon as the inhabitants took a bite, the food just instantly came back. My mouth watered even watching them.

“In every other House, the food is practically sawdust compared to Gluttony,” God explained. “You haven’t truly experienced heaven until you’ve been to Gluttony.”

I shook my head, and we kept moving.

Sloth was as you’d expect. An endless sea of the softest mattresses, stacked with cushions and pillows that made the story of the princess and the pea seem minimalist. Little angels visited each resident, giving them massages that made them all melt into their blankets.

Wrath was… well, a lot like what I’d expect Hell to be like. Fire, brimstone, whips, torture.. you know, the works. Except here, you weren’t the one being tortured. Every enemy you’d ever made in your real life was now under your thumb. “Lots of people choose their fathers,” God explained. “Lots of grudges against parents in general, you know. But you’re not limited to that. Someone beat you out for a big promotion back on Earth? Take your pound of flesh here.”

Then we arrived at Envy. It looked… well, a lot like home.

“Go on in,” God said, gesturing toward the door. I turned the knob and walked in… and found Emily waiting inside. She ran forward, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted a kiss right on my lips. “Welcome home, honey.”

I looked back toward God. “Oh, don’t be coy,” he said. “You have no secrets from me. We all know that you were in love with your best friend’s wife.” She didn’t seem to hear him at all; she went back into the hall. “We all know that you just settled for your own wife while secretly pining after her. Well, this is your chance to live happily ever after.”

I peered into the kitchen. Emily was baking something, wearing nothing but an apron. Her curly black hair fell softly over her shoulder as she whisked ingredients. She turned back, noticed I was observing her, and an enthusiastic smile spread across her face.

“It’s what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?” God whispered in my ear.

I wanted to take it. God damn did I want to take it. But I shook my head.

God seemed puzzled. “You need to make a decision,” he told me.

“I haven’t seen Pride yet.”

He scoffed. “No one ever wants Pride, trust me.”

“Well, I want to see it.”

_________________________

Pride was boring. Just a row of workbenches in a bare white room.

“I don’t get it,” I told God.

“Yeah, no one does,” he answered. “That’s why no one ever chooses it. Doesn’t cavorting in Lust sound better than sitting here building little trinkets for the rest of eternity? Wouldn’t you rather gorge yourself in Gluttony? Or spend time with Emily in Envy?”

I considered the options again. “I pick Pride,” I finally told him.

He narrowed his eyes. “What? Look at it!” He gestured around the room again. There wasn’t much to look at. “Why would you choose this for the rest of time?”

“Because you don’t want me to pick it,” I told him. If he was really God, he’d know what a contrarian I can be. And I knew he was hiding something, trying to pretend like Pride didn’t exist. There was something special about it.

it was only a kiss

northern water tribe leader: that’s not necessary, no one can survive submerged in the artic ocean for so many minutes

zuko:

Zuko:

Advisors: Princess Azula did perform the astounding feat of infiltrating Ba Sing Se…

Zuko: Huh? Oh, that’s not hard. It’s pretty nice, if you don’t mind the brainwashing, but you can’t get a spicy octopus for love or money. We ate so much jook. *shudders*

Advisors:… you got in too…. interesting.

*

Advisors: The mysterious Water Tribe city at the North Pole

Zuko: It’s a pretty place, if you like ice.  Lots of sealturtles. They have a really nice little sort of sacred grove thing there, too, I kidnapped the Avatar from it once.

Advisors: …. we have some questions….

*

Advisors: We still have not found the Fire Lord’s secret supplier of new weapons - 

Zuko: He’s at the Northern Air Temple. (Realizing they’re all staring at him) Oh, no, I haven’t met him personally, but I have friends who have. He sounds like a very interesting guy.

Advisors: SO MANY QUESTIONS

*

Zuko: (while directing post-war reparation efforts) Oh, and we need to send a lot of people to work on replanting the forest around this obscure village.

Advisors:…. may we ask why?

Zuko: Apparently the local panda spirit is pretty mad about having its forest burned down. 

Advisors, now afraid to ask: ….Yes, Fire Lord. 

*

Zuko: At least he died doing what he loved?

Zuko pointing at the map: it’s really not that hard to find, I’ve been there three times and lived there for a bit. Its near the su- oh right I can’t talk about it

*

Advisor: we heard that last year four prisoners broke out of The Boiling Rock, it was horrible and criminal, what do you think of it?

Zuko:

Zuko: alright lets take a moment to imagine I’m not the Firelord and I’m recognized as a criminal to the fire nation-

*

Advisor: a criminal called “The Blue Spirit” has resurfaced what should we do?

Zuko: hm, are you sure they’re not just a freedom fighter or Kyoshi warrior-

Advisor: no I’m fairly certain that The Blue Spirit is of water tribe origin and not of the earth kingdom.

Zuko: Oh, interesting. And what do you propose we should do to stop them?