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2 Legit 2 Knit. Glasgow, UK -
Egyptologist. Mad Scientist. ADHD as fuck. You can do whatever you want with The Poem but if you make money on it then cut me in otherwise I Don't Care -
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I finished the giant gengar pixel blanket and apparently hate myself to do it again for money (again) so
DETAILS ON COMMISSIONING A PIXEL BLANKET (Does not have to be a gengar. I would in fact prefer it if it wasn't)
Yarn cost depends on what yarn you want, how many colours are involved, and how much of each I'll need. Yarn for that gengar cost around £100 / $135. There's a lot of it. It's huge. And heavy. Just... so heavy.
A general estimate for the labour cost is £5.50 / $7.50 per 10 squares. This works out to approximately half the minimum wage in the UK so tips are very much appreciated.
Labour + yarn for Gengar (1,652 squares) works out to £1,000 / $1,350
Yikes.
Yeah. Now double it to pay me minimum wage.
Can I pay in instalments?
I mean. If you can pay afford much upfront you have WAY too much money. You can divide the labour costs into as many monthly payments as you want/need. Chances are it'll take me at least 6 months to make the whole thing anyway if it's as big as gengar. (he's 200ish labour hours) So. You've got time.
The first payment needs to be the full cost of the yarn (I gotta buy it somehow) + labour. But if you can only afford the yarn upfront you can just buy it and I'll start actually working when you have labour money.
If you can't afford the payment one month I just. Won't work on it for a month. We'll get there when we get there innit. Not exactly an overnight project.
How do I pay you?
PayPal. Venmo, cashapp etc don't exist in the UK so it's PayPal or bust I'm afraid. I'll set up an invoice with as many payments as we've agreed to.
If you're also in the UK you can bank transfer me directly / set up a standing order if you'd rather.
How big is it?
Kinda depends on the yarn and size of the hook? And the number of pixels, obviously.
The squares in gengar are made using 10 ply yarn and a 4.5mm hook. Each square is roughly 1.5" / 4cm across. Gengar is as wide as he is tall and ended up being roughly 6'3" / 1.9m in each direction.
Thinner yarn and a smaller hook will produce an end result that is physically smaller, however it will not be any cheaper because it's the exact same amount of work going into it.
Similarly using a bigger hook will make something that's larger in the end (and also make a thinner fabric) and won't cost you any more in labour. Will need more yarn, though.
What if the thing I want doesn't have many pixels but I still want it blanket sized? Like. It's a small-scale sprite or whatever
I can just make the squares bigger by adding extra rounds and then work out how long it takes to make one of those bigger squares.
Labour cost is ([time taken per square] x 2 for sewing together) x [number of squares].
An extra 25% is added to the total time for charting, calculating, weaving, finishing, washing etc.
What yarn do you use?
That's your choice. I'd suggest acrylic since not only is it the cheapest fibre (and there's a LOT of it) but it comes in a wider range of brigher colours so will be easier to match to your image. Ultimately it's up to you though so if you wanna drop $$$$ on natural fibres that's your business. We'll choose specific shades together so you have the final say on what goes into it.
Does it have to be a Pokémon?
Nope. Anything that can be pixellated can be done. It's like a fibre version of perler art.
Does it have to be shaped?
No. It can be a normal square/rectangular blanket if you want but obviously this will increase both labour and material costs to make the background.
Can you make a rug instead?
Sure. I can use a smaller hook to make a thicker/denser fabric more suited to being on the floor. But for a rug I'd recommend cotton yarn over acrylic. It's more durable and heavier.
Are you completely insane?
Probably. But I'm also broke
(not calling you out or targeting you personally to pressure or anything this is just a repeated sentiment in the notes sorry for blasting your tags specifically)
just to reiterate again for everyone in the notes/reading this like "aw if i had the money i would"
i not only accept but actively encourage paying in instalments on large projects. something large or complex takes a long time for me to finish! months, even! stretch it out as much as you want there's a lower limit to how quickly i can feasibly do something massive or complex but there is absolutely no upper limit. if it takes us both a year it takes us both a year. if you can't spare anything one month i simply do not make any progress on it that month it's no big
the only required upfront payment is for whatever the yarn costs because i have to buy that shit first but if necessary you can even wait another little while to start paying for labour. again, don't care. i work on it when you can afford for me to work on it. it lives in the cupboard otherwise. this does not bother me.
paying me as i go makes it easier for you, but also easier for me because i have adhd and no impulse control and a semi-steady income supply of like. £80 a month is far more manageable than a one-time windfall of £800 (or whatever) that i then have hanging over me until i finish
(also you can commission gengar if you want i have probably sufficiently mentally recovered i retract my initial statement re: another gengar. a different sprite would be cool though. for the variety)
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Accurate heist movie: The Team is sneaking into a high security facility. An alarm is triggered, they freeze, prepared to knock out whoever responds to the alarm. It takes 40 minutes for someone to respond. When they finally do show up, they shuffle along, annoyed, arms full of 16 bags of pretzels for some reason, and reset the alarm without bothering to check their surroundings. They report that the alarm went off in error. Security control starts a fight about the correct designation of the door. The guard announces that they’re leaving the alarm key in the alarm because it’s always going off for no reason. No one challenges them on this. They shuffle away, leaving an alarm key and several bags of pretzels behind.
The Team knocks out a security guard and steals their radio. The team mimic can perfectly replicate the knocked out guard’s voice. They get caught because they pronounced the name of the company correctly.
The Team disables an alarm. The only way to do this is to rip it out of the wall and disassemble it until it physically can’t make noise anymore. This very loud process is clearly heard by the posted security guard nearby, who rolls their eyes and text their supervisor that the logistics contractors are fooling with the alarms again.
The Team breaks into the facility at night. There they meet a single security guard who is chanting potential names for NPCs in their DnD campaign out loud while they do their patrols. They encounter a fire extinguisher. They pause in their chanting to check that it is properly charged and to apply a sticker that reads, “Anal use only”. This guy is disgustingly good at their job. There’s no way around it, they’re going to catch you. And you’re going to have to deal with the fact that you’ve been had by someone who has a supply of stickers that say “Anal use only” and who unironically wanted to name their NPC shopkeep Mammogrammus.
The Team attempts to bribe a security guard. This is its own post but know there’s no way in hell that would work.
The Team breaks into the high security room and disables all the alarms. Security control sends several guards to investigate why there are no alarms going off.
The Team attempts to break into the high security room but can’t because it’s randomly decided not to let anyone at all in today.
The Team steals a keycard with “””””unlimited””””” access to the facility and gets caught because the computer system that manages keycards randomly revokes access for no reason.
The Team walks past a security guard in broad daylight wearing T-shirts that say, “We are here to rob you”. The security guard does nothing, having seen several people in logistics wearing that exact shirt two days prior.
The Team abandons their high-tech high-concept plans and pull up to the front door in a battered van. Wearing blue jumpsuits or work clothes, they trudge into the lobby carrying bundles of cable and tools, and in a show of class solidarity the security guard just unlocks everything.
A story I once heard from a guy who specialised in security testing for IT. They had been hired to test out the security of the company, and one of the things they were testing was whether they could physically get secure data out of the building.
The guy walked in with a trolley with a wobbly wheel, loaded half a dozen computers onto the trolley so that they were unstable, and walked up to the main security door. At which point, the trolley wobbled and there was an avalanche of computers. The security guard helped him load the computers back onto the trolley and then held the door open for him as he walked out with six computers loaded with company secrets.
TIL “Yankee Doodle” was written by the British to mock americans. “Doodle” is thought to come from the German “dödel”, meaning “fool” or “simpleton” and “macaroni,” a flamboyantly stylish type of dress, painting the Yankees as morons who thought placing a feather in one’s cap made them a “dandy.”
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I love the imaginary version of iwtv some people seem to be watching where Lestat is a feminist social justice advocate, Louis is a socialist who shares his wealth and Daniel is a woke unproblematic leftist journalist.
For those of you who aren't familiar, I live in an exceptionally flammable part of the United States, and despite the fact that every goddamn year multiple parts of my state catch fire, destroy homes and kill people, the local assholes insist on getting drunk and setting fire to a bunch of illegal explosives anyway.
In 2023, God granted me a Miracle that prevented my house from burning down.
Last year, I had to resort to Psychological and Chemical Warfare to keep the patriotic arsonists at bay.
This year is apparently An Important Birthday for the clusterfuck we have the nerve to call a nation, so despite the fact there is so much smoke in the air that the sun has literally been blood red for the last week, the pyrotechnic fetishists are out in force.
Last year, I hit upon the concept that if my neighbors were going to act like problem animals, it would make sense to use the management techniques on them that you might use on say, a Bear that was doing serious property damage. Thusly, I created The Stench, a nontoxic but FOUL smelling concoction that I could discretely spray around the flammable gatherings and render the area extremely uncomfortable to occupy for the rest of the night, forcing them to give up or move on.
If this seems harsh:
There is no story from 2024 because a grass fire was started by fireworks less than 12 miles from me and the high winds put me in the evacuation zone in under an hour.
Over fifty people lost their homes.
Errant fireworks burning my house down is a very real possibility, and I pay the price in anxiety and insurance premiums.
The Stench is noxious but harmless, and also very effective at building a buffer zone around my home. But sneaking up to parties on foot in this heat is both exhausting and nerve-wracking. There have to be more effective ways to do this
-And there is!
It involves Weeds and Business Cards :)
All of this spring, I've been battling Bindweed and my City Code Enforcement Officers.
The city code people have been professional, but the truth is that one of my neighbors is calling them on use because one of my housemates is transgender. It's extremely grating to get these notices, having to explain repeatedly that I *AM* working on the weed situation, I just have a heart condition and No Money. It's also deeply paranoia-inducing to know that the city is regularly coming by and photographing my house.
The Solution to the Bindweed is 1 gallon of high-concentration vinegar, half a cup of Borax, a quarter cup of salt, and a couple tablespoons of dish soap. Get one of those weed sprayers from a hardware store and mix it up in there. Spray it on your thistles, bindweed, kudzu, garlic mustard or whatever your local herbaceous invasive is on a day with bright sunlight, and in a few hours the entire part of the plant above the soil is Deceased. It's non-toxic to insects, pets and wildlife (just wait a few months before trying to plant anything in the area for the traces to wash out).
The only real downside to this stuff is that it smells HEINOUS.
Sure, The Stench is nauseating, but WeedFucker 5000 is genuinely painful to inhale. Again, it wont hurt people- even my asthmatic housemates can use the stuff- but boy howdy it sure smells toxic. I've got the ingredients for about 40 gallons of WeedFucker 5000 prepared and ready to go.
I've also got a disposable hazmat suit, rubber boots and gloves, respirator, goggles and a shitty little golf cart from the free section of craigslist to haul my shit around in.
I also have Business Cards!
See, the very nice officers from the City Code department left some Very Nice business cards so that I may contact them about "the fucking bindweed is gone, get off my back".
So I scanned the business card into my computer, fired up Clip Studio, and made my own business cards. I've turned my City's Abstract Triangle Logo into an Eye of Providence and the slogan of "E Pluribus Unum" to "E Plurbis Anus", Changed my city's name to a dumb pun, and stated the card originates from "The Department Of Public Nuisances".
Crucially, where the name and contact information of the real city employee has been replaced with the name and business email of the neighbor who has been bragging on facebook about calling the city code department on my home because he hates my housemate :)
It looks, at a glance, very much like the business cards of city employees. If you look at it for like 5 seconds though, there's no way it could be mistaken for the real thing.
I've printed out 500 of these bad boys and will have them on hand as I, an alleged City Employee, am forced to work overtime on a national holiday doing weed mitigation, because my boss can't manage deadlines for shit.
You're mad about it? I've been out here since 5 AM! But I've gotta or the city will audit us and I could get fired. You know what the economy is.
Here, this is my Boss's Business card- how about you send him an email about how this has ruined your barbecue?
It's golden hour now, so I'm Suiting Up and preparing to embark on some civil service in the form of Noxious Weed Eradication, and by coincidence, Fire Mitigation.
I'll report back later Tonight🫡
(If you'd like to support your local disabled storyteller in their Acts Of Public Service, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi or supporting me on Patreon)
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As someone who is both trans and has a child, absolutely hilarious to me that society presents one of these as absolutely only to be done if you are 110% certain and have proved to several people that you want it bad enough and are ready, and the other is like. You might as well everyone else does. Just do it nobody feels ready. You don’t want to? Yes you do
Especially since one of those is pretty reversible if you change your mind after a couple years and the other one, well, technically but that’s pretty frowned upon
gave me shit this morning because i walked directly across the parade instead of standing in my doorway while their mile long snail pace racism walk offended every musically inclined soul in the east end
that's disrespectful. crossing the parade, that is. tunelessly blasting their way past my house almost every weekend somehow isn't.
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