short short stories

that furry husband of the year tweet gets more more and more fucking embarrassing every year from the sheer lack of variety alone

i dont think we're making it out of january this time guys i think we're here forever now

people saying its almost over are gonna be in for a real shock on january 32nd

It's still so funny to me that hobbit society has technology like pony-traps and handkerchiefs and post offices but the realms of Men and Elves, at least, are very much still in their version of the High Middle Ages. I would kill for a scene where Aragorn starts doing the whole Galavant thing - we shall meet when the night air grows as chill as the depths of Moria and the setting sun colours the sky that particular shade of blue as to recall to us the sinking of Numenor into the very Sea Itself - and Pippin just goes 'have none of you guys ever learned to use a freaking clock'.

Frodo offers to buy Gandalf a watch so he can actually be on time for once and nearly gets bodied into Bywater Pool.

Sam is nearly reduced to tears upon trying to learn Gondorian recipes because all the cooks in Minas Tirith are using that old medieval technique of recite five Paternosters and the fish will be perfectly fried. Please. They're called egg-timers. Every hobbit has one. He'll buy them one himself if they'll just let him cook like a normal person.

Gandalf knows exactly what time it is and is late on purpose.

He has a timekeeping shrimp sewn into the brim of his hat

doing things at the right age is literally a made up concept. you can start/pursue anything at any age. btw.

There's something about Tumblr users and the way they describe things that honestly make me so glad I stopped using twitter altogether.

OH MY GOD

- Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different. - Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble - Most can’t run in heels unless they have been VERY worn - Insecurity in appearance doesn’t mean “buy me a drink” - EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN EVERYTHING

-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief.  If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it won’t fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.

Putting a tampon in isnt a quick bend-poke-done kinda deal. It involves cubicle yoga, messy hands, numerous curse words as you realise it isnt in correctly and have to take it out and start again with a new one.

This is one of the funniest posts I’ve seen in a while (especially if you read all the comments), but also really depressing because at 42 I still judge myself as having failed for not matching up to all these mythical stereotypes despite knowing they’re impossible

^^^This though

if you’re being tied up and tortured in a freezing underground dungeon, then you probably have more important things to pay attention to than how hard somebody’s nipples are, jim butcher

- Wearing a bra that doesn’t fit HURTS.  It’s not sexy to wear a bra that’s “two sizes too small”, it’d make your clothes hang oddly and you’d have a weird, uncomfortable “quad-boob” effect and your back would hurt, BEN AARONOVITCH.

Also, after removing a too small bra, there’s gonne be angry red lines on the boobs and ribs and the lady is not going to want them to be touched by anyone for a good long while

-Not all women wear heels. Those things hurt and are hard to balance in. They can also mess up your feet and back pretty bad.

-Lips aren’t just naturally red “as if she’d been drinking wine but they were just like that without makeup cause she’s so perfect,” my dear little Kvothe from ‘Name of the Wind’. Also, girls do not naturally smell like fruit or flowers, it’s either perfume or something she’d been eating recently.

I’ve been appreciating this post but now it’s back very specifically calling out my problematic faves and I don’t think those male authors realize how much it totally takes me out of the story for a moment when they commit these errors. It does nothing useful for the plot and is annoying for half of the audience

Is it weird that I’m female and wasn’t aware of a solid third of these?

I mean, all writes take note. I basically live in man land when it comes to protagonists so I don’t know half these things despite being a woman

Also: women working out are almost never sexy. They’re not glowing or glistening or (kill me) *sparkling*. They are red and sweaty and gross just like all the dudebros doing their time with the dumbbells. Stop ogling fictional women at the gym, TOM WOLFE.

I love this post.

I never understood why men feel the need to address all this telltale “feminine” awareness when writing women. Like once in grad school one of my male colleagues wrote from a female character’s POV and was like sure to notice how her feet felt in high heels and all the women’s lifestyle magazines on the coffee table and also that like, her breasts were “heavy” or some shit. I write male characters all the time. Not once have I ever stopped to make sure they notice the weight of their own balls or been hyper aware of their chest hair or some bullshit like that. ????? why????????