That-Tired-W

he's giving "your mother bathed you and now you smell of no-tears strawberry shampoo and baby powder👶🏽"

Nigel Farage is the leader of Reform UK, a far right party who are currently in the process of a serious bid to become the UK government. they are just straight up evil.

Count Binface is an intergalactic space warrior with a bin on his head. he likes to run as a novelty candidate in general and mayoral elections. a big thing he likes to do is run as a candidate against the incumbent prime minister:

(Also pictured: Boris Johnson, Elmo)

Anyway, in brief:

Nigel Farage is currently in the midst of a big scandal about his finances

He has decided to deal with this by 1) making a show of nobly resigning from parliament and then 2) immediately running in the resulting by-election

He has stated that he is letting 'the people' judge his actions and implied that if he wins that will prove that he has been exonerated in the court of public opinion

His goal was presumably to get a big resounding win over the other parties, proving that The People still love him.

the other parties have thus far decided that this is a 'vanity election' and, well, there is one very easy way to ensure that he will not beat any of them, and that is simply not to play.

and as a result the only person who has so far confirmed they are running against him is Count Binface. no matter the outcome this makes Nigel Farage look like, u know, a fucking clown.

Lyonel: obsessed with his giant wife and down to go to pound town at all times “whoever this rafe person is gets a holiday named after them in the stormlands” .

Live the idea of them just constantly having kids. On average they’re like 10 months apart. Dunk fixes a lot of political issue by making some many families related with his gaggle of kids who marry into other houses

Soulmates are accepted as real, true, and undeniable in Westeros. Soulmates are revealed when the two touch and leave behind a soul mark. As such, highborn and lowborn soulmates are not totally unheard of, but they are VERY, VERY rare.

So imagine everyone's absolute shock when Baelor of House Taryargan, heir to the Iron Throne finds his soulmate at Ashford Tourney after a Trial of Seven that absolutely does NOT leave anyone with any serious head wounds thank you very much. And that long awaited soulmate...is a common born 7-foot-tall Hedge Knight who owns one set of armor, two horses, and approximately three table manners.

No one can challenge the bond- that would amount to heresy to the Faith of the Seven. HOWEVER. Marriage is another matter entirely. You can't choose your soulmate. You can choose whether or not you marry said soulmate.

Dunk is absolutely NOT having this. He CAN'T be Consort to Prince Baelor. He CAN'T. He's just a Hedge Knight, he doesn't know how to DO this. He's ready to just split immediately and pretend this never happened. Both of them will be better for it in his mind.

So, Baelor and Dunk come to an agreement that Dunk will accompany him back to The Red Keep and spend a full year leaning how to be Prince Consort to the future King of the Realm. And then...Dunk gets to choose if he wants to leave and wander the realm as a Hedge Knight or become Prince Consort.

The Queen, the septas, the maesters, every etiquette tutor within 300 miles of Kings Lands, and the most determined person of all, Maekar Walk Walk Fashion Baby Targaryen, descend when they arrive at the Red Keep.

It's an absolute disaster and absolute comedy.

Maekar "Smile."

Dunk "I am."

Maekar "That is not a smile. That is the expression of a condemned man. You cannot smile like a condemned man at the High Septon."

Dunk cannot seem to stop breaking furniture, dropping important documents, leaning on things that should never be leaned on.

Dancing lessons. Heraldry lessons. Etiquette. Diplomacy. How to host ambassadors. How to not insult half the Lords of the realm before breakfast.

Dunk- "I miss bandits."

Dunk is terrified the entire time of embarrassing Baelor, of not being enough for him.

Baelor is terrified the entire time that he is not going to be enough for Dunk, that he's going to leave at the end of the year done with this nonsense. But he also wants him to be prepared for everything that will come his way if he does stay.

So, partly out of desperation, Baelor asks Dunk to teach HIM what goes into being a Hedge Knight. It's only fair after all.

So...Dunk forces Baelor to learn how to darn a sock, start a fire, shine boots. He laughs until his sides split when Baelor starts cursing the old gods and the new trying to patch a hole in a shirt, declaring negotiating tax law with the Bank of Bravos is easier than this!

Ultimately? They realize they are more than enough for each other despite their many differences, and they kiss and get married, and have monkey sex all over the Red Keep, totally scandalizing and traumatizing everyone in the vicinity. Worth it.

Soulmates are accepted as real, true, and undeniable in Westeros. Soulmates are revealed when the two touch and leave behind a soul mark. As such, highborn and lowborn soulmates are not totally unheard of, but they are VERY, VERY rare.

So imagine everyone's absolute shock when Baelor of House Taryargan, heir to the Iron Throne finds his soulmate at Ashford Tourney after a Trial of Seven that absolutely does NOT leave anyone with any serious head wounds thank you very much. And that long awaited soulmate...is a common born 7-foot-tall Hedge Knight who owns one set of armor, two horses, and approximately three table manners.

No one can challenge the bond- that would amount to heresy to the Faith of the Seven. HOWEVER. Marriage is another matter entirely. You can't choose your soulmate. You can choose whether or not you marry said soulmate.

Dunk is absolutely NOT having this. He CAN'T be Consort to Prince Baelor. He CAN'T. He's just a Hedge Knight, he doesn't know how to DO this. He's ready to just split immediately and pretend this never happened. Both of them will be better for it in his mind.

So, Baelor and Dunk come to an agreement that Dunk will accompany him back to The Red Keep and spend a full year leaning how to be Prince Consort to the future King of the Realm. And then...Dunk gets to choose if he wants to leave and wander the realm as a Hedge Knight or become Prince Consort.

The Queen, the septas, the maesters, every etiquette tutor within 300 miles of Kings Lands, and the most determined person of all, Maekar Walk Walk Fashion Baby Targaryen, descend when they arrive at the Red Keep.

It's an absolute disaster and absolute comedy.

Maekar "Smile."

Dunk "I am."

Maekar "That is not a smile. That is the expression of a condemned man. You cannot smile like a condemned man at the High Septon."

Dunk cannot seem to stop breaking furniture, dropping important documents, leaning on things that should never be leaned on.

Dancing lessons. Heraldry lessons. Etiquette. Diplomacy. How to host ambassadors. How to not insult half the Lords of the realm before breakfast.

Dunk- "I miss bandits."

Dunk is terrified the entire time of embarrassing Baelor, of not being enough for him.

Baelor is terrified the entire time that he is not going to be enough for Dunk, that he's going to leave at the end of the year done with this nonsense. But he also wants him to be prepared for everything that will come his way if he does stay.

So, partly out of desperation, Baelor asks Dunk to teach HIM what goes into being a Hedge Knight. It's only fair after all.

So...Dunk forces Baelor to learn how to darn a sock, start a fire, shine boots. He laughs until his sides split when Baelor starts cursing the old gods and the new trying to patch a hole in a shirt, declaring negotiating tax law with the Bank of Bravos is easier than this!

Ultimately? They realize they are more than enough for each other despite their many differences, and they kiss and get married, and have monkey sex all over the Red Keep, totally scandalizing and traumatizing everyone in the vicinity. Worth it.

hooost of dornish speaaarmen

early access on patreon

process video below the cut

Anyway. fat Dunk under cut. (kinda)