it/its — actually schizophrenic — adult — AO3 and main tumblr are both DrowningInRedInk — not quite as much of a shipper as implied by the fact that wincest is in my url — yes I like wincest and deanjohn and samjohn but I am aro above all
Hello everyone! I'm schizosamwincester. If you want something to call me, I've been going by Satan online for a long time now. I'm 23 and I use it/its pronouns. My main blog is @drowninginredink and DrowningInRedInk is also my ao3. And yeah, as the url implies, I'm schizophrenic.
I write a lot of one shot fanfics, generally pure angst or angsty smut. I send out weekly Wincest Wednesdays asks. I make the occasional webweave. I talk probably way too much about how Dean is aromantic and aplatonic, and really should try estrogen. As you can probably tell from the username, I like using Sam as my self-insert, particularly when it comes to schizophrenia.
Outside of fandom, I'm a nursing aide, I play viola and sing in choir, I play DND and GM Monster of the Week (which is a tttrpg you should really try if you like Supernatural), and I sometimes do theater.
I do ship wincest, as you can tell from the url, but I'm aromantic above all, so I write and talk a lot more about gen stuff than anything. Also I really enjoy deanjohn and samjohn. I make sure to tag all ships, so even if you don't like wincest (or deanjohn or samjohn), this blog should be safe for you if you filter that tag.
My general tagging system is very straightforward descriptions. Characters are tagged #firstname lastname, or #name supernatural if they don't have a last name. Headcanons are all tagged as like, #trans femme Dean Winchester or #schizophrenic Sam Winchester. I am not creative about this, so if you're looking for something, it shouldn't be too hard to find.
Don't be afraid to DM or send asks! Just know I'm extremely talkative, so not only will I reply, it will be multiple paragraphs.
All my webweaves are here. My wincest wednesday manifesto is here. My fics are all below the cut:
Let's see where this ends - Dean/Jess
Fixing all the problems that you made in your own head - schizophrenic!John, no supernatural AU
You sound absurd, even if you're right - schizophrenic!Sam, sampreg, Sam & Dean, past Sam/Lucifer
The Story Doesn't Change - schizophrenic!Sam, Sam & Dean, Mystery Spot
Everything I thought I knew has fallen out of view - schizophrenic!Sam, Sam & Dean, It's a Terrible Life
the only hoax I believe in - Dean/John, Lucifer Rising
Do you ever feel that this should be officially the end? - Pre-Series, John, Murder/Suicide
Pretty Thing (you'll be complete) - Closeted trans woman!Dean/Post-op trans woman!Bela (smut)
Hold your breath, I'll hold mine too - past Sam/Jess, Sam/Dean, sampreg, miscarriage
You can call it loneliness - Bobby/John, Dean/John, Sam/Dean
If She Had Lived - Jess Lives, Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder, Sam/Jess, Jess/OC
Dangerous Questions - Aplatonic Dean, Dean/Cassie
That's just not us - Aplatonic Dean, Sam & Dean
For the best - Aplatonic John, John's breakup with Bobby
Sissy - closeted trans woman!Dean/John (part 1)
Sister - Sam finds out about trans woman!Dean (part 2)
Subsist - Vignettes between Sam and closeted trans woman!Dean (part 3)
Insisted - Bobby finds out about trans woman!Dean (part 4)
Drink to Forget - AU where Sam dies in Carry On instead of Dean
I remember when your head caught flame - Sam/John, underage, first kiss
If He Asked - one-sided destiel, established wincest
You can pin and mount me like a butterfly - dean/john, smut, castration
Like in the movies - aromantic Dean, very underage Dean/John
But they were fucked up in their turn - closeted trans woman!Dean & closeted trans woman!John
Take My Body - trans man!Sam/John
A disfiguring chicken pox of the soul - weirdcest, weecest, trans boy!Sam/trans girl!Dean (not that either knows it yet)
like the baptism he never had - Sam/Dean, necrophilia, piss (All Hell Breaks Loose)
Silver Linings - Sam/Dean, necrophilia, piss (yes, again. But this time it's Mystery Spot)
Like Flies from your Face - Dean & Bobby, suicidal!Dean (All Hell Breaks Loose)
Tonight I give in to the fantasy - Trans woman!Dean, sex worker!Dean
No other box I choose to use - humanfucker!Gabriel (Hammer of the Gods)
Sucker love is heaven sent - Gabriel/Adam smut
Live through this, and you won't look back - trans woman!Sam
I'll use you as a warning sign - Sam/John, Dean/John, unplanned pregnancy
Hobbies - Dean & Bobby (& Sam), Dean's love of hentai
the road is so long - one-sided John/Dean, pining Dean, Christmas
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I don't have any ideas for this week's Wincest Wednesday and only like three people responded to the last two so I can't reeeeeeally be bothered to send one out this week. Unless inspiration hits later I guess. This can be catch up week for everyone else
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as with most clinically reputable sources about symptoms of severe mental illnesses, every article about catatonia is written from an outsider's perspective.
this is what catatonia it is like for me, on the inside
feeling your muscles tighten at a slow and constant rate that you could not perform on queue. if i get stuck holding something while catatonic, my fingers will eventually dig into it so deeply that it hurts.
i get stuck in awkward positions. legs tucked underneath my body, most of my weight shifted to one side, head tilted, stuff like that. because of your muscles stiffening as well, this becomes uncomfortable in less than ten minutes, and agonizing in 20.
time passes differently. most of my catatonic episodes at this point last for upwards of 2 hours, even with ativan. but the two hours i spend while catatonic feel comparably faster than if i just decided to sit down and stare at nothing for 2 hours. (the "increased speed" does not make it more pleasant and it's not like dissociation i don't think. it's just like, usually at 1.25x speed)
i'm aware of my surroundings i literally just can do fuck all about them.
i cannot focus on anything more complex than a children's cartoon during it. i have tried putting on longer documentaries, but never get anything to stick in my brain. i still prefer longer things to watch or listen to during cataleptic catatonia tho.
my muscles burn during the whole thing from being so tense or not positioned "squarely" i.e. - shoulders hips and neck at a 90 degree angle.
i will be sore and exhausted the next day, which actually makes it more likely for me to become catatonic again.
i never know how long it will be before i can move again. 3 to 4 hours isn't out of the question (note: i feel lucky that its never gotten longer than 4 hours as catatonia can last for days)
the embarrassment. like, there's no shame in experiencing it, i know that. but it doesn't make me stop feeling like i wish i could crawl into a hole, especially when it happens in public. i hate being stared at on the best of days and being so stiff that people have to frog march you everywhere is just , it's so not fun.
screaming for help inside my head (i can't use AAC when i can't move, unless i was able to feel it coming on beforehand and set my switch up)
or, being so embarrassed that i don't want anyone to find me no matter how long it takes for me to come out of it.
when i am "coming out" of it, i slowly start to be able to move lighter body parts first, like fingers and toes, then hands and feet. the last thing i am able to move is my upper legs and torso.
i am basically dead weight during this time, and my body is hard for other people to move as well because of tension in my muscles.
any needing to go to the bathroom? either you hold it, or someone kinda has to frog march you to the toilet, or, you're gonna have to do laundry
it sucks
it doesn't stop sucking until a few days after the fact, because it's physically and emotionally exhausting
obligatory disclaimers that 1. these are only my experiences, don't use them as your only source of information about catatonia 2. my experiences only apply to cataleptic catatonia. i don't have excited catatonia, so i didn't post about it.
if anyone else wants to add their experiences with what catatonia (not freeze responses or autistic inertia, please) feels like from the inside, i would love to also hear about them.
edit because it happened a couple times: don't tag this as writing reference or similar. come on now y'all.
schizoaffective here! i’m fortunate enough that i haven’t had major bouts of catatonia in a while, but before i got on mediation i would have episodes of 3-4 hours a few times a week. here’s what it felt like for me
like op said, time goes by faster than usual, but i don’t notice it. like one moment it’s 4pm and then it’s 4:30pm and i don’t feel different in one moment than the other. i don’t really comprehend it because it feels like even my mind is stuck
i often notice it coming on with my neck. my head tilts a lot anyway but i can tell it’s a catatonic thing when it feels like i’m lifting a bowling ball trying to lift my head straight
coming out of catatonia while someone is trying to rush me is the worst because they think “oh he’s moving he can come back to doing things normally”, but it feels like my whole body is working with the resistance bands i use for strength and endurance training that make my muscles burn from the effort. or like trying to run in sand.
talking is impossible. i can sometimes hum a yes or no when falling in or coming out, but at its height i can’t communicate. it’s also really hard to comprehend people talking to me anyway so i don’t have anything to say to begin with unless i have an urgent need that i can’t actually communicate
i’m very nearsighted so i know what it looks like to see general shapes but nothing else without my glasses, and while it’s not the exact same because i can technically make out objects clearly, the recognition of what i’m seeing is very blurred and unfocused
i often hallucinate more when catatonic, specifically auditory. though sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s just my thoughts being completely disconnected from me physical because of the locked up sensation or if it’s an actual hallucination
i haven’t had a catatonic episode in a years, but these were the main things i remember from frequent episodes
dean talking to jo about being an amateur is so funny. sorry jo it's a tough job market in this unpaid unremunerated field :/ you can't get a job hunting because you don't have any experience and also we can't let you get experience because you've never hunted before. kind of a classic millennial young adult rite of passage. meanwhile sam is staying out of this and merely sending the message that if you want to be good at this work you do have to know jeopardy trivia about every serial killer in american history.
my version of john & dean emotional abuse aka the best version is John getting drunk and incredibly morose and going to Dean (who is 10 years old) and gathering him up in his arms and crying on him and treating him like a therapist (10 years old) and Dean (10 years old) (used to this) responding with uncanny patience and grace, holding him gently, petting his hair, draping his leather jacket over his sleeping body. and then waking up in the morning and proceeding to fill Sam's head with fairytales about how dad is the strongest coolest most invincible action hero in the world.
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This is not an extensive list of types of delusions, these are only a few common types of delusions, there are other less common types of delusions which are not mentioned in this comic
i think sometimes about sam's reaction when dean was like yeah i told cassie about THE SECRET after we dated for a few months. he's all, THE SECRET, dean? you told her about THE SECRET? i didn't even tell jessica THE SECRET. [unsaid: and i was planning on marrying her. i was going to take that shit to the grave.] -> and if you don't have any context for hunting it does kind of sound like they had an incestuous love affair for years.
which they did. and this is what they're talking about, really. THE SECRET is the enmeshment of hunting and the unseen dangers of the world and the way they grew up, motel to motel, tangled up in each other and constantly on the move. with nobody except each other. THE SECRET is dirty and dangerous and vulnerability-inducing. how could you tell cassie about THE SECRET, dean, i thought i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about THE SECRET, i was good for once, i followed the rules, dad's rules, i kept it, why didn't you?
john on the couch, absolutely wrecked after a hunt. dean, long grown out of just hugging his dad and saying it'd be okay like he did as a kid, on his knees on the floor. hands rubbing up and down john's thighs, murmuring "i'm here" and "you're safe" and "i've got you" while leaning in, between john's legs, hands moving higher up his thighs, and back down, telling john to "lean back, relax, i've got you" while sam watches on the sidelines, not knowing how to be part of this moment, not knowing how to help, feeling vaguely uncomfortable because dean's hands are...they're moving so high up john's legs.
reverse image, dean all fucked up and sitting at the edge of the bed and john having to try and bring him back, saying the same kind of shit, but instead of his hands stroking dean's thighs, they've slipped under his shirt to rub at the muscles of his stomach and chest, to ground him. "i'm here" and "focus on my hands" and "take a breath, dean, deeper, i can't feel your chest raise you're not breathing deep enough"
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The true forms of archangels are unfathomable and horrifying, the image burning not only the eyes of men but their bodies and minds, leaving behind only ashes. There are only a select few who can look upon them without meeting death in seconds. It's an honor, or a curse, relegated to their vessels.
On the fall into the Cage, Sam and Lucifer are separated.
And the Cage is… not what Sam expected. It's mostly cramped. He elbows Adam, now archangel-less himself, in the ribs trying to make room. Adam kicks him for it. He won't stop glaring at Sam, which Sam thinks is pretty unfair given how he just wrestled the devil himself into submission and sacrificed himself to save the world.
Though, he guesses he did also sort of sacrifice Adam as well.
On second thought, Adam probably has every right to kick him.
Sam cranes his neck around looking for said archangels. Doubtless, they'll descend soon. Who knows what kind of tortures they can come up with? This is starting to seem less and less like a good idea, especially now that Adam has his bearings and is most definitely aiming his kicks at Sam's crotch. Sam takes a note from Dean that he never thought he'd get to use himself and shoves Adam under one arm to keep him still. He doesn't even noogie him because Sam is more mature than Dean is. Adam tries to bite him.
"Stop it. We need to-" He's going to say hide, but there is nowhere to hide. The Cage is incredibly small.
He was pretty sure Archangels were supposed to be massive, weren't they? How did Lucifer fit in here?
…Where was Lucifer?
Sam looks around, and around again, and it's only when he hears an odd squeaking noise at his feet that he thinks to look down.
He beholds, finally, the true, awe-inspiring, fearsome form of the archangels.
"Oh my God," Sam says, with the voice of a man who has lost everything. "They're Furbies."
"What the fuck is a Furbies?" Adam says from under Sam's arm before he takes advantage of Sam's shellshocked state to wriggle away and start hitting him again.
The archangels, which are, now, squat, furry, round creatures with ears and eyes too large for their… heads? Bodies? Are aggressively clacking their mouths-beaks-somethings at each other. Sam is coming to understand the true meaning of Hell as he watches the two being who would have burned the universe wiggle at each other with malice and curse in nonsense phrases. Apparently, that's what Enochian sounds like, properly pronounced. No wonder none of their spells ever worked.
"This couldn't get worse," Sam groans. It's the one thing no one should ever say in Hell, because the universe takes that as a challenge.
The Furby archangels wiggle closer together. Sam stares as the bigger one—the one he's assuming is Michael?—pecks and lurches at the Lucifer Furby as it squawks back at him.
And then it pushes the Lucifer Furby over.
"Please don't be doing what I think you're doing," Sam says under his breath in horror. Adam stops hitting him to stare as well. He does not look half as horrified as Sam thinks he should, and as a matter of fact, he's going to stop looking at Adam's expression and whatever it's doing when the Michael Furby-
Well, when it-
"Wow," Adam says, "those dicks are really disproportionate."
Sam is not checking, Sam is not checking, Sam is not-
He regrets everything he's ever done in his entire life that led him up to this point, but yeah, Adam's right. Lucifer's Furby dick is the same size as his entire body. Which really calls into question how he's fitting-
Sam is not thinking about it.
Sam is going to stand, right here, as still as he possibly can, and ignore the squeaking and slapping noises happening at their feet, and when Dean inevitably gets him out of Hell—because right now, Sam is really hoping his brother forgets his promise and ditches his chance at a fresh start for him—he's going to tell Dean that he was tortured.
"They must have a lot of stamina," Adam says. Sam is also going to tell Dean that Adam died in the Cage, because he's definitely not going to tell Dean about Adam getting down on the floor to get a better look.
The Lucifer Furby starts singing. Something sticky lands on Sam's shoe. For a moment, there's a blessed stillness. And then the fucking starts again.
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