Betty Crocker mutates your children

what the fuck. hey get this off my post

people in the emo scene who are like heavy body shamers are so stupid. what do you mean "nobody wants to see a fat ass in fishnets." everyone wants to see that. I want to see that. what are you talking about. you're stupid

(maintenance light that appears to depict a child hugging their mother illuminates on my car's dashboard) oh that one just comes on sometimes, not sure what it is

when i say “girl” randomly as an interjection i’m speaking to the omnipresent all knowing being of Girl. asking her for mercy. taking girl’s name in vain

hhhrk. gggrrrg. *changes several core aspects of your personality when you’re not looking*

normally this would infuriate me but I feel uncharacteristically calm and forgivibg

it's called a ball python because it is a python(🐍) that ball(🟠)

wife said no more glasses of poisoned wine after dinner...but said nought of a hearty tankard!!

im joining the war on gross disgusting pornographic content on the side of gross disgusting pornographic content

idgaf if my parents are disappointed in me I'm not impressed by them either

Kinda wild how my parents have known me for longer than literally anybody else on the planet and they still haven’t unlocked the relationship levels that allow them access to information like what TV shows or music I enjoy, when some random guy at Walmart got there within ten minutes today