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I have been doing these amazing workouts and all the people I follow from it post their “jabs fuel” and it all looks so delicious and healthy and nutritious and all of these people are fit and strong... why can’t I have some protein pancakes or peanut butter? I can’t even follow a “diet” like as this point I’d be thrilled to count macros and eat a reasonable amount bc I could actually somewhat fuel myself with real, nutritious foods. But no, I just have my own stupid ass food rules/ rituals/ behaviors that don’t even make sense! I just am so attached to this stupid disorder/ OCD whatever the fuck it is. I’m angry... I know I’m doing this to myself. The answer is so simple- just eat... order an acai bowl from the juice place or make protein pancakes after a workout but it’s just so complex. I can’t even formulate why it feels so incredibly impossible.

I want y’all to see the reality of this disorder.

EDIT: this is meant for those who are actively seeking out an eating disorder, or are romanticizing the illness, like “new anas.” this isn’t meant to cure anyone from anorexia.

1. being cold. all. the. time. you have to sleep with at least two blankets.

2. lanugo. think it’s cute to have thick hair ALL over your body??

3. that cute ass you had? it’s gone.

4. crying all the time

5. shaky hands, shaky arms, shaky legs, shaky everything.

6. you disappoint basically everyone important to you

7. it’s not cute to get smashed after one drink. it’s embarrassing.

8. forgetting everything. why did i walk into this room? where did i put my phone? why did i put my deodorant on the kitchen counter?

9. chewing food literally feels like you’re eating a live slug.

10. all those friends you love? you’ll basically never see them because you’re too afraid that they’ll suggest going out for lunch or try to give you food.

11. goal weights? not a thing. no matter how low your weight is, you’ll never be satisfied

12. this disorder literally kills you slowly, from the inside out

13. you have to sleep with a thick blanket or pillow between your knees because the feeling of your bones pressing against each other is too painful

14. your whole life feels like it’s a haze

15. concentration goes out the window. your grades will go down, you might even fail a class because for some fucking reason not eating is more important than getting a degree. think about that.

16. treatment is inevitable if you don’t get it under control yourself. and treatment is the worst experience you could possibly have – people FORCING you to eat, lots of crying, and its fucking expensive

17. you are so wasteful. all that healthy food you bought? you’ll eventually get to a point where you can’t even eat that and it just rots in your fridge.

18. it gets to a point where you care more about the number on the scale than your own fucking family

19. all your free time will be spent running. or walking. or working out. anything to burn off the calories you did (or didn’t) eat

20. eventually 50 calories is too much for one day

21. at a certain point, a size 0 is too big and all clothes look ill-fitting, not cute and baggy.

22. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. no matter how much you think you are, you’re not. you’re a slave to your own brain.

23. YOU ARE A LIAR. you lie to your family, to your therapist, to your friends, and there’s no undoing that. once people know you’re lying, they’ll never believe you again.

24. this disorder does not make you special. it makes you sick. and it makes you look selfish and weak to other people. that’s the reality.

25. get help.