Just Another Rad Coolkid

Middle-aged white man in a grey button-down with black glasses speaking in front of a classroom of older teenagers: Hey, guys, listen up, I just wanna take a second to address because I know there have been some complaints with the pronoun issues and I just want you guys to know that I’m working on it. I respect all of you and your lifestyle choices, and in fact, last weekend I even went to the district’s mandated Gender-Bread Man Training.

(Flips slideshow to a picture of the gender-bread person)

Male-presenting student, loudly with their hands cupped around their mouth: It’s a Gender-Bread Person.

Man, shouting: WHATEVER! WHATEVER! I went to the training, okay?! All I’m asking in return from you guys is for you to stop calling me a boomer! I’M NOT A BABY BOOMER, YOU GUYS! I’m NOT A BOOMER!

My cats understand and will obey a number of verbal commands, one of which is “go away”. I don’t use it often, but if they’re bugging me and I’m trying to work or doing something that could be dangerous for cats, I can tell them to go away, and off they go - they’ll only keep pestering me if there’s a serious problem they need me to look at.

That said, their idea of a serious problem that requires my attention is somewhat eccentric. Previous instances have included:

There was an unfamiliar car parked across the street

Their water bowl was four inches to the left of its usual position

One of them had puked on the stairs and they didn’t want to walk past it

It was raining

They pulled the covers off my bed and now they want me to put the covers back

They put their ball on top of the ottoman but the ottoman won’t throw it for them

The cat is sleeping and won’t chase them

A flower fell off the potted plant

The cat is sitting in a box and they don’t like it

One of them lost their bandana

The cat won’t take the toy they’re trying to give her