eve only ate that apple because it was funny

Never ever ever eat raw white onion and then smoke cigarette.

The gnomes beat the shit out of you again?

The gnomes beat the shit out of me again.

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

just turned a mouse into a single ounce of lead

Shit man, this soldier war is fucked. I just saw a guy kill another guy, with a gun. I gotta get the fuck outta here.

"How to get rid of the fucked up clown on your dashboard" I would never unfollow my mutuals like that :((

feng shui sabotage by placing thousands of tiny ball bearings in a bag under your couch you won't see them but you'll feel the clutter

mymusician... oughh my little bug [remembers parasocial relationships are bad] [remembers infantilization is bad] this complete stranger is their own huge bug

Somehow being a person does not come naturally to me

my teeth were perfectly designed to tear abd rend the soft white flesh of the gentle beast known as the mozzarella

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

young old person tip for you all. go get some photos printed (pauses so someone can say bogos binted) and fill out a physical album

and annotate them with who is in the photos and when and where the photos were taken!!! your extended family 50 years from now will be grateful, and so will you if you end up forgetting any details

(sprints into room late, looking harried and frantic as fuck) bogos binted. did I miss it

So full that i see my giant roast chicken as a man stranded on a raft with me

man sometimes friendship really is just "I saw this and knew it would give you psychic damage. please respond with agony" and then they do. and it's great

tv is a loser's game but when you win... the 0.00001 percent of the time when you win.........

Oh you thought I would be your golden retriever boyfriend? Sorry I’m your husky boyfriend. AWOWOOOOOROTOTOOOOOOAUAUAUAUAUAUAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAWAWAEAEAEAEAWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAAA