It’s been a year since my ____ started spiralling, 10 months since the genocide of Gaza started, nearly 9 months since Amal was born. It has all been too much this past year. Heavy, joyful, and full of transformations. I became a mom. I am not who I was this time last year, and yet I have never felt more like myself, weirdly enough. I’m also mentally exhausted, yet rejuvenated.

fuck is ra hell. may it burn to the ground and serve as a warning and a lesson for generations to come.

mother in laws really want you to suffer because they suffered too huh. it really is like that.

My in-laws come over more now that we have a baby to spend time with her. ever since I’ve gone back to work, my workload has been pretty heavy and I’m more or less on my computer all day long and they usually come by during work hours. I take breaks to breastfeed our daughter but since my husband’s workload is way lighter than mine, he has been doing most of the childcare in the daytime. Diaper changes, playing with her, showering her, taking her for a walk etc. we both work from home but I have a lot more work than he does so it makes sense that he takes care of her for most of the work day. We’re thinking about getting part-time at-home childcare (so expensive so much to figure out) but I digress. I do most of the night wake ups with our daughter, breastfeed her overnight, I mostly take care of bedtime and take her for her evening walk. I track her naps, wake windows, etc. I keep track of how she likes to be soothed, what we’re feeding her since we started solids. My in-laws don’t really see my part, so I’m very aware that to them it looks like my husband does everything and I just sit there on my computer, doing “nothing.” And my MIL has brought this up to me so I’m not imagining it lol. My husband DOES do a lot, don’t get me wrong. And I’m so grateful he picks up the slack. But I do get so uncomfortable knowing that they think their poor son does so much with our daughter and around the house and I get to just relax 24/7 or something, which I obviously don’t. But I have to remind myself and my husband has to remind me too that this is my test. I know and he knows what I contribute as a parent and as a spouse. I have to remind myself to not care about the optics. It’s so hard. I can feel my mother in law’s judgement lol. It is what it is.