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all yall make jokes about couples and their nonromantic third wheel having fun together, but im the one getting treated to food tonight by the couple im nonromantically third wheeling. you wish you were me
I'm sorry I read this as "necromantic third wheel" and went on a very rapid powerful imagination adventure. hello lovebirds I'm the skeleton here for breadsticks
do you ever want to gently float up to someone and whisper âthis isnât a debate; i am actually educated on the subject and iâm telling you youâre wrongâ
Yes and I would also like to gently float in general.
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having your own money is fucking dangerous because the only person stopping me from buying whatever I want is myself. and myself has bad judgment sometimes
has anyone noticed that after the porn ban of 2018 tumblr was essentially killed from the mainstream and everyone flocked to other social media sites like twitter and meta. then those sites got enshittified to where twitter became Nazi Central and meta sites had an entire meme around getting âzuccedâ aka mark zuckerberg himself would ban you for saying a no-no word like fuck. and then the mainstream shifted to tiktok where infamous toddlerspeak sentences like âhe got unalived by a pew pewâ were born because if you once again say a no-no word like kill or gun or any other word that isnât corporate i mean kid friendly then the algorithm will bury your post into the ground. and somehow weâve come full circle and tumblr is now the most bearable social media site because although we canât have female presenting nipples we can at least talk to each other like adults. has anyone noticed that at all or is it just me and the flaming skull
okay so, guy at work, who i find out afterwards is famous at this place for being a sex pest, comes up and starts with what i also learn is his favorite opener to conversations where heâs going to be a sex pest, namely: âDo you know where the term âblow jobâ comes from?â
and here he made his first fatal error. his moment of hubristic sex pesting. because of course i know where the term blow job comes from, i love learning about sex and the history of sexual terms! i know so much about oral sex that i could write a book on it!
his second error: approaching a little autistic freak with what he intended to be an uncomfortable sex question that would make me feel weird and gross. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I Have Never Misjudged A Manâs Intentions So Incredibly In My Life. because i did not realize he was trying to harass me. because i love talking about sex facts, albeit not usually at work. unless. someone prompts me. my coworkers are the kind of people who are generally online enough to know terms, but not exactly what they mean, and they realized they could ask me a while back and get good answers without the resulting awkwardness because i do not experience shame. i am primed to answer questions like the one he has proposed.
So I Answered It.
and well, really, what happened is that I began answering it, then realized the answer required a bit more context. I mean, you canât just say âoh, well, the term first appears in writing in the 1940sâ without first explaining that âblowâ by itself already had sexual connotations for centuries, and then, really, are we talking about the origin of the term or the origin of the act. and well we have a ton of literature and art depicting fellatio throughout human history, did you know a lot of it was men performing it on other men? oh, that reminds me, there are a multitude of latin words for oral sex performed on penises, and hold on let me quote you the entirety of catullus 16 from memory and explain itâs fascinating insights into the roman world of homosexuality-
i do not know how to turn any of this ^ off, by the way. iâm sure some people out there have a switch that disables their infodumping mid-speech. i do not. and i also didnât realize he wasnât looking for a real answer until my other coworker explained so hours later. he could not excuse himself from the conversation he started, and i made a conservative man at least 30 years older than me to listen to my catullus recitation. i will sodomize and facefuck you, indeed.
anyway, i think i got a bad grade in being sexually harassed. my pro tip is maybe donât start with what a very autistic individual will misconstrue as you earnestly asking them to explain sex to you. the special interest shield will cause splashback damage.
can we take a moment to just think about how incredibly scary magical healing is in-context?
You get your insides ripped open but your friend waves his hands and your flesh just pulls back together, agony and evisceration pulling back to a âkinda hurtsâ level of pain and youâre physically whole, with the 100% expectation that youâll get back up and keep fighting whatever it was that struck you down the first time.
You break your arm after falling somewhere and after youâre healed instead of looking for âanother way aroundâ everybody just looks at you and goes âokay try againâ.
Youâve been fighting for hours, youâre hungry, thirsty, bleeding, crying from exhaustion, and a hand-wave happens and only two of those things go away. youâre still hungry, youâre still weak from thirst, but the handwave means you have âno excuseâ to stop.
You act out aggressively maybe punch a wall or gnash your teeth or hit your head on something and itâs hand-waved because itâs âsuch a small injury you probably canât even feel it anymoreâ but the point was that you felt it at all?
Your pain literally means nothing because as long as youâre not bleeding youâre not injured, right? Here drink this potion and who cares about the emotional exhaustion of that butchered village, why are you so reserved in camp donât you think itâs fun retelling that time you fell through a burning building and with a hand-wave you got back up again and ran out with those two kids and their dog?Â
Older warriors who get a shiver around magic-users not because of the whole âfireballâ thing but the âI donât know what a normal pain tolerance is anymoreâ effect of too much healing. Permanent paralysis and loss of sensation in limbs is pretty much a given in the later years of any fighterâs life. Did I have a stroke or did the mage just heal too hard and now this side of my face doesnât work? No iâm not dead from the dragonâs claws but I canât even bend my torso anymore because of how the scar tissue grew out of me like a vine.
Magical healing is great and keeps casualties down.
Or maybe magical healing doesnât leave scars or damage. It is magical, after all.
So after years of fighting, your skin is still perfect. Unmarred. In fact, youâre actually in better shape than regular people who donât get magical healing when they fall out of trees or walk into doors or cut themselves while cooking dinner. Youâre in such good shape that itâs unnatural.
And the really good healing magic takes away more than just the obvious injuries. You first start noticing it after about ten years when you go home and haha, you look the same age as your younger sibling, thatâs funny.
Not so funny ten years later when they look older. Or forty years later, when you bury them still looking like you did at twenty. When do you retire from this gig anyway? How much damage is too much damage?
How many times do you glimpse the afterlife, or worse, how many times donât you? What do you live through, get used to, show no outward sign of except a perfectly healthy body, too perfect for any person living a real life.
How many times are you sitting in a tavern with your friends and you hear the whispers, because the people around you know. How can they not know? Your weapons shine with enchantments and your armour is better than the best money can buy and there is not a damn scar on you. You hardly seem human to them.
How long before you hardly seem human to yourself?
And you find yourself struggling to remember the places where the scars should have been, phantom pains that wake you screaming, touching all the old injuries and finding nothing there. Itâs all in your head. Was it ever anywhere else?
How long before youâre fighting a lich or a vampire or some other undead monster and you wonderâŚ
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one of my favourite things about my boyfriend is that he's 6'4 but convinced he is a normal sized person and this does not constitute "tall"
once, if not twice, a week the card game shop he plays digimon at upload a top-4 photo best described as "gandalf and the hobbits" and every time he is genuinely baffled as to why he looks like that
Has your boyfriend got his eyesight checked? Bc when I donât wear my glasses Iâm nice and close to the ground but when I do itâs HOLY SHIT WHY AM I THIS TALL, IâM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, HELP ME time and itâs genuinelly terrifying.
bf: apparently only 7% of people are over 6' tall
me: yes........?
bf: that isn't very many. am i tall?
me: i cannot believe we are having this discussion again. yes. you are tall. you are still tall. you were tall yesterday. you will be tall tomorrow
bf: oh my god i'm tall aren't i
me: my love the netherlands is the tallest country in the world and even there average male height is 6' 0.5". you are tall by "kingdom of giants" standards, even. but we live on "shortarse island", so...
bf: AM i tall though
me: you are 6ft 4
having watched emperors new groove (it's my favourite) he does understand this reference but also he really loves cooking so you saying this has now prompted him to look up how to make spinach puffs
fun fact they're both the same person. same 6'4 boyfriend referred to himself as a short king because he thought it meant a man who really likes wearing shorts
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