my life is like a video game

i survived last night. i finally fell asleep and had a dream about the sims that made me want to play for a brief second when i woke up. but the pain and exhaustion settled back in so i guess it’s another day of laying in bed and staring off into space

i really don’t mean for this to come off as “woe is me i’m so depressed look how much pain i’m in” i’m really just looking for human feedback. support. something. i don’t know

using windows movie destroyer to make youtube soap

i spent the last hour going down a rabbit hole reading my psychiatrist notes from over 10 years ago to today. the notes show just how much pain i’ve been in for so long. i read about various chapters in my life, and how i struggled so hard through all of them. so many appointments. so many hospitalizations. so many notes beginning with “dx: major depressive disorder, recurrent, current severe episode.” it made me come very close to acting again based off the tangible evidence that i’ve been suffering for so long, and i really, really can’t keep suffering like this for the rest of my life.

i’m trying really hard to not do it. i attempted last july, and the july before that. i don’t even want to die, i just want the pain to stop. and it takes everything in me to override my human survival instinct to make an attempt, even more so now having the knowledge that failed attempts end up with me being locked up and tortured. but i just want to put out the reminder that if i suddenly go radio silent on here and never post again, you can put two and two together to understand what happened and get some kind of closure, if that’s something you need. because tumblr really has been the community that’s kept me going even in my most painful moments. you all are genuinely so important to me and the last thing i want is for you all to be left wondering should something ever happen.