PaperRoxas

my husband: someone should write a spicy fic about the two database engineers locked in the server room trying to fix it

Sacra di San Michele  X-XI century, Piedmont (northwestern Italy)

I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.

13 years together. 10 married.

Fuck this is tough.

And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.

I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.

He comes first.

I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.

I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.

But here we are.

We were supposed to grow old together.

I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.

I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.

Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.

I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.

Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.

So I feel betrayed.

But

I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.

I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.

He wasn’t meant to be a parent.

The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.

All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.

For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.

In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”

I just miss him.

And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.

They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.

The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.

My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”

He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”

In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.

I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).

I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.

Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.

I did OK until I got to a few items:

-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.

-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.

-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.

My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”

I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.

My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.

I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.

And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.

In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.

I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.

My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.

I'm going to make sure we get help.

But my son comes first.

We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.

We took the final things out of our apartment. The place I've called home for the last 8+ years. We made so many memories there. It's the only home my son has known.

At my sons request, I took him with me today so we could make sure that nothing was forgotten and so we could say goodbye to our home.

Tonight, he asked for something of his dad’s. Fortunately, I had a blanket of my husbands tucked in my sons closet I was able to let him snuggle with.

Then, what broke the dam, was my son asked if there were any pictures of happy memories of him and daddy I could print out for him. There are. I think we’re gonna look at photos together soon.

I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.

13 years together. 10 married.

Fuck this is tough.

And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.

I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.

He comes first.

I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.

I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.

But here we are.

We were supposed to grow old together.

I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.

I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.

Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.

I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.

Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.

So I feel betrayed.

But

I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.

I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.

He wasn’t meant to be a parent.

The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.

All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.

For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.

In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”

I just miss him.

And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.

They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.

The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.

My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”

He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”

In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.

I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).

I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.

Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.

I did OK until I got to a few items:

-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.

-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.

-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.

My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”

I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.

My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.

I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.

And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.

In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.

I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.

My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.

I'm going to make sure we get help.

But my son comes first.

We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.

We took the final things out of our apartment. The place I've called home for the last 8+ years. We made so many memories there. It's the only home my son has known.

At my sons request, I took him with me today so we could make sure that nothing was forgotten and so we could say goodbye to our home.

I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.

13 years together. 10 married.

Fuck this is tough.

And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.

I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.

He comes first.

I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.

I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.

But here we are.

We were supposed to grow old together.

I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.

I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.

Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.

I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.

Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.

So I feel betrayed.

But

I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.

I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.

He wasn’t meant to be a parent.

The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.

All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.

For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.

In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”

I just miss him.

And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.

They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.

The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.

My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”

He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”

In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.

I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).

I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.

Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.

I did OK until I got to a few items:

-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.

-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.

-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.

My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”

I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.

My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.

I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.

And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.

In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.

I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.

My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.

I'm going to make sure we get help.

But my son comes first.

We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.

Yesyesyesyesyesyesssssss

IF THEY CAN CELEBRATE IT IN SEPTEMBER, WE CAN HALLOW OUR WEENS IN DECEMBER

My first legion of the undead:

@barbthebuilder @disbelive

@can-i-explode-now @ask-the-fluffy-cat

@chanceofwhat @miintlxtte @terracrafty @entity56 @archae10

@ms-paints-sometimes @nottapossum @shark-tranny @axelaxolotll @axeal0tl

@fireboaserpent @hunter216 @just-some-moss-and-bones @feral-asexual-possum

@imqueerandadeer @thinkstooohard @yeon-chloque @lucianwrites24

@ace8space @morbid-flesh-angel @saros-system @siamasstuf

@vorenjoyer2 @angelically-crying @necromancers-incorporated

@daisy-bugs @unstableunicornsofasgard @sleep-deprived-genderfluid @kgay

@tulipsanssunshine @enby-and-a-twink @nonbinary-wyvern @die-brot-frau

@epicsandwich301 @wraith2552 @twomanyfandomshelp @my-life-is-a-sidequest

@chaoticgremlin-1 @aspecenby @thatautisticlesbian @themostmercifuloftrains

@stripedwolf88 @ur-dad-satan @tolbre @russianchoir @teaktty