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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH

blake kathryn

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@paperroxas

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Went to the store today
utilising the gift of imagination to hallucinate moments of tenderness between fictional people
may be the best response to dumb comments like this
me to my husband: ao3 is down again [explains outage]
my husband: someone should write a spicy fic about the two database engineers locked in the server room trying to fix it
my husband, smug: there was only one spreadsheet 😎

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Leaving a fandom before the source material goes to shit but still hearing about what's going wrong with it from the friends you made when you were into it feels like standing on a lifeboat after a shipwreck and seeing your friends still in the water fistfighting the man eating sharks circling around
Fuck moon’s taking poison damage
Sacra di San Michele X-XI century, Piedmont (northwestern Italy)
It is situated on the south side of the Val di Susa. Umberto Eco’s “The Name of the Rose” was inspired by this monumental abbey.
I relate this to a… WORRYING degree.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Today I had to have the conversation I never thought I’d have to have with my 6 year old son. That his father had passed away…
I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.
13 years together. 10 married.
I miss him so much already
I slept all of an hour last night. I’m trying to not wake my son as I lay here and cry. I miss my husband. It hurts waking up and him not being here.
I got some sleep last night. I dreamt of my husband.
Fuck this is tough.
I’m gonna keep using this post to keep my thoughts in one place for now.
Today I kept waiting for a phone call or text from my husband. One I know I will never get ever again.
And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.
I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.
He comes first.
Again, I’m going to keep posting. Because I need a place where I can do this. To help me.
I keep finding things as I mindlessly scroll through social media that I know my husband would have gotten a kick out of and I can’t share those with him anymore…
I keep thinking he’s in the hospital and that I’ll get to see him soon.
I just hope he knew how much my son and I loved him
I can’t help but wonder what his finally thoughts were. I know I’ll never know and that’s probably for the best. But it crosses my mind from time to time.
I went back to the apartment today and grabbed a few more things. I’ll slowly be cleaning the place out and at this rate I’m waiting for the mess to be cleaned up before I do more.
I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.
I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.
But here we are.
We were supposed to grow old together.
I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.
I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.
Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.
I’ve been getting so much support and good words on how well I’m handling our son during all of this and that I’m doing amazing. Which I am thankful for. Because this is easily the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life.
Dreamt of my husband last night. It was a weird dream.
I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.
Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.
So I feel betrayed.
But
I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.
I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.
He wasn’t meant to be a parent.
The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.
All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.
For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.
In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”
I just miss him.
I can’t believe it’s already been a week…
I made it through the whole day without crying.
And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.
They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.
The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.
I’m still mad at my husband but I still love and miss him.
Heading to the apartment today to start packing boxes. I’ve secured a storage unit for everything I can’t fit in my in-laws house (like bookshelves, couch, dining room table).
My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”
He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”
In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.
I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).
I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.
Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.
In my mind it’s still November 5th/6th. But it’s been two weeks. Next week is already thanksgiving. How?
I went to the apartment today with my in-laws to start packing for the storage unit. We got like eight boxes packed up and we cleaned out the refrigerator and did a couple dishes.
I did OK until I got to a few items:
-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.
-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.
-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.
My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”
I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.
My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.
I know he won’t be the same, but I’m going to guide him to be the best version of himself he can be.
Today I moved all the big furniture into my storage unit. I'm so thankful for all of the help that I had.
I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.
And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.
In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.
I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.
My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.
I'm going to make sure we get help.
But my son comes first.
I will always put him first.
I cried while cleaning off my husband’s desk today in our room. I found the first couple Father’s Day cards from our son to him. I didn’t think he had kept them. He was never one for keeping greeting cards. These ones were from whenever our son could hold a crayon.
I didn’t expect to find those. I cried so hard. I only read one and I couldn’t read the other one. I gave them to my father in law to be packed away.
Small update:
We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.
I have therapy scheduled for myself to help with the trauma and grief next month. I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around it some days that he's gone. I keep thinking we're separated or divorced. I'm hoping in time the therapy will help with that.
Today has been a hard day.
We took the final things out of our apartment. The place I've called home for the last 8+ years. We made so many memories there. It's the only home my son has known.
At my sons request, I took him with me today so we could make sure that nothing was forgotten and so we could say goodbye to our home.
I know my husband was broken, but I wish he had gotten help.
Lots of tears as I was tucking in my son. Usually, when my son feels like he needs me to sleep, I give him something of mine (sweater, blanket, stuffie).
Tonight, he asked for something of his dad’s. Fortunately, I had a blanket of my husbands tucked in my sons closet I was able to let him snuggle with.
Then, what broke the dam, was my son asked if there were any pictures of happy memories of him and daddy I could print out for him. There are. I think we’re gonna look at photos together soon.
My son told my mother-in-law yesterday that “Christmas will be different without daddy this year”. Needless to say, we’re in for an emotional week…
Today I had to have the conversation I never thought I’d have to have with my 6 year old son. That his father had passed away…
I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.
13 years together. 10 married.
I miss him so much already
I slept all of an hour last night. I’m trying to not wake my son as I lay here and cry. I miss my husband. It hurts waking up and him not being here.
I got some sleep last night. I dreamt of my husband.
Fuck this is tough.
I’m gonna keep using this post to keep my thoughts in one place for now.
Today I kept waiting for a phone call or text from my husband. One I know I will never get ever again.
And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.
I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.
He comes first.
Again, I’m going to keep posting. Because I need a place where I can do this. To help me.
I keep finding things as I mindlessly scroll through social media that I know my husband would have gotten a kick out of and I can’t share those with him anymore…
I keep thinking he’s in the hospital and that I’ll get to see him soon.
I just hope he knew how much my son and I loved him
I can’t help but wonder what his finally thoughts were. I know I’ll never know and that’s probably for the best. But it crosses my mind from time to time.
I went back to the apartment today and grabbed a few more things. I’ll slowly be cleaning the place out and at this rate I’m waiting for the mess to be cleaned up before I do more.
I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.
I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.
But here we are.
We were supposed to grow old together.
I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.
I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.
Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.
I’ve been getting so much support and good words on how well I’m handling our son during all of this and that I’m doing amazing. Which I am thankful for. Because this is easily the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life.
Dreamt of my husband last night. It was a weird dream.
I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.
Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.
So I feel betrayed.
But
I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.
I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.
He wasn’t meant to be a parent.
The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.
All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.
For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.
In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”
I just miss him.
I can’t believe it’s already been a week…
I made it through the whole day without crying.
And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.
They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.
The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.
I’m still mad at my husband but I still love and miss him.
Heading to the apartment today to start packing boxes. I’ve secured a storage unit for everything I can’t fit in my in-laws house (like bookshelves, couch, dining room table).
My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”
He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”
In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.
I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).
I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.
Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.
In my mind it’s still November 5th/6th. But it’s been two weeks. Next week is already thanksgiving. How?
I went to the apartment today with my in-laws to start packing for the storage unit. We got like eight boxes packed up and we cleaned out the refrigerator and did a couple dishes.
I did OK until I got to a few items:
-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.
-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.
-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.
My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”
I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.
My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.
I know he won’t be the same, but I’m going to guide him to be the best version of himself he can be.
Today I moved all the big furniture into my storage unit. I'm so thankful for all of the help that I had.
I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.
And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.
In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.
I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.
My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.
I'm going to make sure we get help.
But my son comes first.
I will always put him first.
I cried while cleaning off my husband’s desk today in our room. I found the first couple Father’s Day cards from our son to him. I didn’t think he had kept them. He was never one for keeping greeting cards. These ones were from whenever our son could hold a crayon.
I didn’t expect to find those. I cried so hard. I only read one and I couldn’t read the other one. I gave them to my father in law to be packed away.
Small update:
We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.
I have therapy scheduled for myself to help with the trauma and grief next month. I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around it some days that he's gone. I keep thinking we're separated or divorced. I'm hoping in time the therapy will help with that.
Today has been a hard day.
We took the final things out of our apartment. The place I've called home for the last 8+ years. We made so many memories there. It's the only home my son has known.
At my sons request, I took him with me today so we could make sure that nothing was forgotten and so we could say goodbye to our home.
I know my husband was broken, but I wish he had gotten help.
I need this.
Reblogged last year, hoping it comes this year
Fingers crossed!
Hoping the best for everyone Christmas!!!
Today I had to have the conversation I never thought I’d have to have with my 6 year old son. That his father had passed away…
I still keep thinking my husbands going to walk through that door, but I know he’s not coming back.
13 years together. 10 married.
I miss him so much already
I slept all of an hour last night. I’m trying to not wake my son as I lay here and cry. I miss my husband. It hurts waking up and him not being here.
I got some sleep last night. I dreamt of my husband.
Fuck this is tough.
I’m gonna keep using this post to keep my thoughts in one place for now.
Today I kept waiting for a phone call or text from my husband. One I know I will never get ever again.
And then my father-in-laws phone went off with a text from his sister and my son asks “is that daddy?” I broke down in the next room hearing that.
I went through my husband’s wallet and found the photos he carried. I let my son pick out the ones he wanted to keep. He gets first choice.
He comes first.
Again, I’m going to keep posting. Because I need a place where I can do this. To help me.
I keep finding things as I mindlessly scroll through social media that I know my husband would have gotten a kick out of and I can’t share those with him anymore…
I keep thinking he’s in the hospital and that I’ll get to see him soon.
I just hope he knew how much my son and I loved him
I can’t help but wonder what his finally thoughts were. I know I’ll never know and that’s probably for the best. But it crosses my mind from time to time.
I went back to the apartment today and grabbed a few more things. I’ll slowly be cleaning the place out and at this rate I’m waiting for the mess to be cleaned up before I do more.
I managed to not cry, but I did cry when my mother in law told me what they had picked out for my husband’s ashes. I left that to them. I’m grateful for them for that. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to pick what their son’s ashes were going to be sitting in, but they took that on for me so I didn’t have to. Because they knew I wouldn’t be able to.
I was not supposed to be doing this at 35. I wasn’t supposed to be a widow this young. They weren’t supposed to be mourning their son.
But here we are.
We were supposed to grow old together.
I have so many firsts I have to get through without him now. He’s been by my side for 13 years and he lost to the intrusive thoughts.
I’m not going back to work until after the holidays. Maybe longer. But they’ve assured me my job is secure for at least 12 weeks.
Today was a better day. And I’ve got amazing friends and family supporting me.
I’ve been getting so much support and good words on how well I’m handling our son during all of this and that I’m doing amazing. Which I am thankful for. Because this is easily the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life.
Dreamt of my husband last night. It was a weird dream.
I talked with my mother in law yesterday because there were feelings I thought I was alone in. And to my relief I’m not.
Anger and betrayal are the biggest ones I’m feeling because he promised me he would never do this after he attempted this while I was 6 months pregnant (that was almost 7 years ago). Anytime we fought and he wanted to storm off I feared he would end his life and I begged him to stay so we could work out whatever we fought about. And I explained to him why I needed him to do that. And he promised me he wasn’t going to do this. That he was fine.
So I feel betrayed.
But
I also feel free and relief. And my mother in law assured me that I’m not alone. She confided in me that there were times she would see my husband interact with our son and she and my father in law would go home and cry because it was hard to watch my husband parent our child and how rigid and rough he was with him. My mother in law of course mourns the loss of her son, but she said that me and my son now have a chance to thrive.
I wish my husband were still here because he’s caused so many of us so much pain. I miss him. I do.
He wasn’t meant to be a parent.
The thought always crossed my mind if “would this have been different had we not become parents?”; but, I wouldn’t trade my son for anything.
All these feelings are weird to feel considering the circumstances. I felt bad for being angry. For feeling free. I didn’t realize how trapped I felt.
For the record, I was able to truly be myself around my husband. I didn’t have to pretend. He loved that about me. But I guess I didn’t realize that I was trapped until now.
In a weird way I think he subconsciously knew he was going to not be around much longer. He texted me the day before he died (before he picked up our son from school) and said “hey you. I love you. Never forget that.” There was no note. We left things verbally on bad terms and I hate that. But I can’t change anything. I can’t sit here and play “I should’ve have done this?” or “what if I had done this?”
I just miss him.
I can’t believe it’s already been a week…
I made it through the whole day without crying.
And then a memory of him and my son came up on my phone.
They were once so good together and got along so well. It broke my heart to see them fighting all the time as Lucas got older.
The apartment got cleaned up today. I gave my notice to the landlord and will spend the rest of this month and next packing and moving out. I don’t care what penalties I pay for breaking my lease early.
I’m still mad at my husband but I still love and miss him.
Heading to the apartment today to start packing boxes. I’ve secured a storage unit for everything I can’t fit in my in-laws house (like bookshelves, couch, dining room table).
My son has been incredibly sweet. He’s asked me to go to the apartment. I asked why. He said “because I want to help you.”
He’s had nightmares (which he had before all this) and when I asked him if he wanted to talk about them he said “no because I don’t want to give you the nightmares.”
In his own way he’s trying to protect me. He’s six. He shouldn’t have to. But he has such a big heart. He used to tell me about his nightmares but now he isn’t.
I did discover a song on my Spotify playlist that brought me to tears thinking about my husband. So that one’s being removed for a while (as are a few others).
I’ve dreamt of my husband. I miss him every day.
Through all of this I finally got my ADHD and antidepressants finally. I start them today.
In my mind it’s still November 5th/6th. But it’s been two weeks. Next week is already thanksgiving. How?
I went to the apartment today with my in-laws to start packing for the storage unit. We got like eight boxes packed up and we cleaned out the refrigerator and did a couple dishes.
I did OK until I got to a few items:
-The flowers he made me out of chain mail. He gave those to me when we first started dating. He said he would love me until the flowers wilted.
-His hat and trench coat that he wore every single time it was cold or rainy. (Think inspector gadget.) It was his signature look.
-And the broken bracelet that said “daddy” that our son made for him. The bracelet was hard because it was broken, and my husband kept saying he was gonna fix it and it kind of just symbolize their relationship. Their relationship was broken.
My son and I talked about how he’s doing with everything. He said he misses daddy a little more, but he doesn’t miss the arguments. I asked what he missed the most and he said “building Lego spaceships with daddy.”
I told him that I didn’t miss the arguments either and that it was hard for me to listen to them. Especially because they were best friends at one point in my son’s young life.
My son’s occupational therapist put it best today when she saw a new side of my son during his session: “there wasn’t a lot of permission to be himself before”. Now my son gets to be himself, just without his dad around to see it.
I know he won’t be the same, but I’m going to guide him to be the best version of himself he can be.
Today I moved all the big furniture into my storage unit. I'm so thankful for all of the help that I had.
I then went to the apartment afterward and grabbed our Christmas decorations since we're putting them up tomorrow.
And then I just sat in a room and cried. I talked to him. Told him I loved him. That I miss him. That I miss talking to him... holding him. I wished that he would have accepted any of the help that we were offering but he never did.
In the back of my mind I think he would be judging how I was parenting my son. Because even when my husband was alive, he didn't always agree with what I was doing. But it worked. And it still does. I question everything I do now because of him. And I shouldn't have to. All the comments I get from others saying "you're doing great with him" help reassure me, but my husband's voice is always in the back of my mind.
I'm going to spend the rest of December to get out of the apartment fully and complete all the paperwork I need to once I get his death certificate. Then in January, I can focus on me. Getting therapy.
My son and I both have (different) trauma to work through.
I'm going to make sure we get help.
But my son comes first.
I will always put him first.
I cried while cleaning off my husband’s desk today in our room. I found the first couple Father’s Day cards from our son to him. I didn’t think he had kept them. He was never one for keeping greeting cards. These ones were from whenever our son could hold a crayon.
I didn’t expect to find those. I cried so hard. I only read one and I couldn’t read the other one. I gave them to my father in law to be packed away.
Small update:
We got my husband's ashes back earlier this week.
I have therapy scheduled for myself to help with the trauma and grief next month. I still am having a hard time wrapping my head around it some days that he's gone. I keep thinking we're separated or divorced. I'm hoping in time the therapy will help with that.

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the vocal minority
As they say, there are people in the world who think that anything which was not made for them should not exist. Your job as a creator is to absolutely never make anything for these people.
You cannot please everyone. If you try, you will please no one. And no matter what you do, you will have haters. The better your work and the more loved it is, the more and louder will be your haters. Hate mail is proof you're doing something that matters.
⚠️❗️VERY IMPORTANT POST, PLEASE READ!❗️⚠️
everyone. on christmas day, december 25th, we all search up “halloween” to make it a trending search. it would be the FUNNIEST thing ever to see halloween be a trending search on christmas day. tell all your friends, repost this, do everything you can to make sure we can do this. REBLOG AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
@tameable50 @cheeseyleaves @ilikepokemon-notyou @maryland-officially
@rat-detector-detector @rat-detector-detector-detector @ratdetectordetectordetectordet @rat-detector-to-the-5th-power @rat-detector-x6 @rat-detector-seven @rat-detector-8x @ratdetectortheninth @rat-detector-10 @ratdetector-x11 @rat-detector-twelve @rat-detector-thirteen @rat-detector-13 @ratdetector13 @rat-detector-the-14th @rat-detector-15 @rat-detector-16 @rat-detector-17 @rat-detector-the-18th @rat-detector-19x @ratdetector 20 @rat-detector-the-21st @rat-detector-the-22nd @ratdectector23 @rat-detector-24 @ratdetector25 @25th-rat-detector @rat-detector-the-26th @rat-detector-72 @rat-detector-84 @rat-detector-rat-89 @rat-detector-333 @rat-detector-334 @the-rat-detector-couple-the-1st @rat-detector-fail @rat-detector-redacted @rat-detector-236
RATS SPREAD THE WORD!!
@artemis-dawn9 @artemis-dawn8
@adoresandss uhhhh can yall think of anyone elsw
AYE AYE! @eira-kuso @styx-doesnt-do-art @cloudwhisper23 @noonemournthewicked @greg-jar-mp3 @abunchoflosersinacoat @centellacrow @cheshire-castle-library @rlydsntmttr @def-not-kaz-brekker @iby-dysphoria-queen @crow-with-a-hoodie @theninjabozo @ashlakh @alastaircarstairsismybff @alienmythologist @distinguished-coffee-grounds @n0turgothgirlfriend @eli-chris @araccoonthatlikesmurder @basilletheprecious @inkbirdie
ARISE MY ARMY!!!
Holy i got tagged
@youtry2replaceurself @spirit-of-the-hollow @big-mayo-official @india-official
Oh yay im also tagged!!
@skelpiescool @scooburst @spamtonlord @blooming-skeleton @fake-microsoft-outlook @str4ng3r0nl1ne @caretaleandotherstuff @pennyroyald @maria-the-puppet @mydysfunctionallife @caprisunstwin @100percentevil @thatacefrog @soul-of-justice--uty @harper-pfg @aflairforthemelodramaticc @mildlybizarrecorvid @alexaisfunny
TAGGING MOOTIES/FRIENDS!!!
@jel-e-ton, @booksandchaos-world, @catmaraudersfan, @moonchildsart, @skylarkyler, + eveyone
Heeehhe
@bibliophile4ever @danger-gayss @freaky-always @yourl0calqueer
please please please it would be so funny please please
This is a war plan I can get behind, go, spread the idea further.
@annabeth-chase-offical @odysseus--offical @drop-bear-offical @telemachus--offical @period-cramps-offical @percy-jackson-offical @frank-zhang-offical @hazel-levesque-offical @nico-di-angelo-offical @will-solace-offical @rachel-elizabeth-dare-offical @piper-mclean-offical
OH MY GODS OH MY GOD OH MY GODS
Yesyesyesyesyesyesssssss
@bookishnonsence @starsndaggers @demigodmagician @tayrn-everwood @purple-dinosaur17 @i-put-the-hyper-in-hyperfixated @biggestqiblifan @erosdaughterwritingfiction @obsess-over-ink-on-dead-trees
ILL DO MY BEST
@cate7official @cranberry-branflakes @varnateet @book-musiclover @ajleesbabygirl @justthatwalkerscobellgirl @unstable-cucumber @thevalkyrieflies
@autistobrat @raynilikescats @her-in-italics I really don’t know who to tag, since a lot of my moots have been tagged.
Halloween forever.
I love a good prank :D
IMPORTANT
@offical-plague-doctor @satan-offical @evilraccoonoffical @complaint-box-offical @biggest-gaudiest-patronuses @i-am-a-fish @pukicho @arsenic-offical @homosexuality-offical
@ivysbea, @chaos-ducks, @aldestroyerofworlds, @1shouldbedoinghomeworknow, @c0nstantlyscreaming, @the-grassy-hill, @the-toaster-rat, @leobean130,
SORRY FOR TAGGING YOU ALL BUT TIS IMPORTANT
HAHAHAHHAHA I WANNA DO THAT
@pinterest-offical @coquette-corpsie @evil-spotify-offical
i’m in >:3
@satan-offical @autism-offical
END THE REIGN OF CHRISTMAS
IF THEY CAN CELEBRATE IT IN SEPTEMBER, WE CAN HALLOW OUR WEENS IN DECEMBER
@sillyfella2019 @the-alien-that-will-reblog @goldenbunny30 @punky-beaver-officall @kash-register-offical @king-of-oreo @asexual-offical @towel-offical @the-queen-of-geese @britain-offical @halloween-official
Loll also imma just tag someone for you @hahasosilly since it didn’t work for you. . . @punky-beaver-offical + OPEN TAGS!!!
@bungoustraypups @genericgirl420 @gracious-midnight @bitcrusherr @starlightshadowsworld @sillylittlelullaby @alldevouringnarwal @cati3edits @s1llysharkk
Didn't get tagged myself but y'all are
@wordsofwizdumb @iloveyapping @pigfacedbitch @demigods-posts @four-leafed-queer-gal @freak-nation @hyperfixation-fix @starlightshadowsworld @ranpo-beloved
@riptideecho @sashathegirl @sierraisboring @a-bi-cat-with-books
Let's do it!
@my-life-is-a-sidequest @zerosuitsammi3 @aurazoo @alphie-in-the-sky @eggtimeiguess @jennybback @vivian-the-panda @pacificglovebox @charonte-simi @dogbot400 @foolschancey @five-crows-sharing-a-laptop @gandalfsbignaturals @novies @numbersareimaginary @thecrayongal @watermelon-but-awesome
@chaoticrei
YESSSSSSSS
My first legion of the undead:
Second legion:
@barbthebuilder @disbelive
@can-i-explode-now @ask-the-fluffy-cat
@chanceofwhat @miintlxtte @terracrafty @entity56 @archae10
@ms-paints-sometimes @nottapossum @shark-tranny @axelaxolotll @axeal0tl
@fireboaserpent @hunter216 @just-some-moss-and-bones @feral-asexual-possum
@imqueerandadeer @thinkstooohard @yeon-chloque @lucianwrites24
@ace8space @morbid-flesh-angel @saros-system @siamasstuf
@vorenjoyer2 @angelically-crying @necromancers-incorporated
@daisy-bugs @unstableunicornsofasgard @sleep-deprived-genderfluid @kgay
@tulipsanssunshine @enby-and-a-twink @nonbinary-wyvern @die-brot-frau
@epicsandwich301 @wraith2552 @twomanyfandomshelp @my-life-is-a-sidequest
@chaoticgremlin-1 @aspecenby @thatautisticlesbian @themostmercifuloftrains
@stripedwolf88 @ur-dad-satan @tolbre @russianchoir @teaktty
@the-antares-system @wormmutt @iveeaten3humanorganz
GO MY CREATURES
@makenzie-is-awesome @echothevessel @timmy-tuffknuckles @rosathehooman @science-demon @m1nimum-wage @chaos-triangle
go go go go go go my fellow spookers @v-babydoll @homosexuality-offical @prodepresanti @demonic-radio @elsa-fogen @drawnsnake @chels @ghostbees @gooseworx @loish
I mentioned some randos too, but yeah, search up halloween on this day if you are seeing this
DO IT
I will aid in your conquest!
@helluvahotelfan @siempreminta @demonic-radio @penguinmaster9999 @paperroxas @wendigolady
Oh I’ll have to try and remember!