Central Characters: Tommy, Joel and Angel (This is her nickname, not her real name)
Central Relationship: Tommy and Angel
Please do not copy my work. If you liked it, please re-blog and tag me. Please do not steal my mood board. Stealing is just WRONG. I do not give permission to copy, translate, or post my work to any other platform.
This was inspired by one of Courtney’s posts about Tommy back in March. I wondered what would happen if Tommy took a little dark turn before Seattle. Yes, he is cheating on Maria. Don’t like the concept, don’t read. Scroll on. Or grab whatever tickles your tongue and read on.
Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince-Taylor Swift
Diamonds in the Sky-Rihanna
Here Without You-3 Doors Down
Get Away Car-Taylor Swift
Wish You Were The One That Got Away-The Civil Wars
Safe and Sound-Taylor Swift with The Civil Wars
Tommy Miller never meant to leave her but that didn’t matter. Because he still did.
He remembered every second. Not in flashes. Not in pieces. Every. Single. One.
The heat from the fires. The screaming. The way the world turned into something unrecognizable in the span of hours but he had left her on the other side of town.
“I gotta go back,” he said, rifle in hand as Joel picked up Sarah.
Joel’s fingers had caught a piece of his shirt, voice like a vice. “You go back, we die.”
“And Sarah ain’t?” Joel snapped, voice breaking.
Tommy looked at his niece, terrified, crying, clinging to his brother like he was the only thing keeping her alive and in that moment he chose. But he didn’t just leave her. He chose a world where she didn’t exist and that was the truth he never said out loud. That was the truth that rotted inside him for twenty years. People liked to pretend choices in the end of the world were clean but they weren’t. They were ugly. Fast. Permanent, and they carved pieces out of you that never grew back.
She never knew how close he came. How he twisted in his seat, looking back at the road like he could still change his mind. How he whispered her name under his breath like a prayer that came too late.
Twenty years of trying to hate him, of trying to survive and that was one of the cruelest parts of her life. She’d had survived everything the world threw at her. The QZ, raiders, infected, starvation and winters so cold, it took days to get feeling back. She had survived it all, on her own. Nights that should have killed her. Mornings that she’d wished had. But through everything, she still carried him with her.
At first, it was anger. White-hot. Consuming from the inside out.
He left you. He didn’t come back. You weren’t worth it. She held onto that. Used it and let it harden her into something sharp enough to survive. Because if she stopped being angry, if she let herself feel anything else, she’d break.
But anger doesn’t last forever. Not when it’s built on something that was once love. Dying would’ve been clean. Living meant remembering, but it would slip. In quiet moments, when she’d catch herself smiling at something stupid and think, Tommy would’ve laughed at that. When she dreamed, he always came back, always choosing her. She hated those dreams. Hated when she’d wake up and remember the truth. She tried to hate him, God knew she tried. For twenty God damn years but never quite managed it so she let the anger and memories hollow her out and fill her with something harder, turning her into someone who didn’t need anyone.
But hate is a fire that burns itself out and when that happened? He was still there. Would always be there, hidden in the dark reassess of her soul.
Jackson was just supposed to be another stop. Another place to rest before moving on. Another place to not die for a little while. She was heading west, where west she had no idea, not even knowing what was on the other side. Just somewhere with heat and sun, not the cold tundra of the north. She never was one for the cold but when the outbreak happened, she’d gotten caught up in Austin, ending up in the QZ the Army had placed around the city. They swore to keep everyone safe from what was outside the walls but as the years went by, they all realized it was just another government lie. Everyone knew the truth and a group of them choose to run instead of living under Big Brother. They went north as far as they could and ended up somewhere in Nebraska, and they were safe for a while until they weren’t and that was how she ended up going west. She wasn’t supposed to find him.
They were greeted by a group of people and dogs, questions came from every direction, asking for names, where they had been, where they were coming from, the last time they ate, someone even asking the last time they showered. That was when she heard his voice and everything, she’d built to survive him collapsed as she turned and saw him. Older, broader and worn down in ways she recognized all too well and alive. Seeing him again would give her closure, right? Wrong. All it did was give her the rush of memories, of hate, anger. It gave her everything back. Mother fucker. Chin went up a notch as she shoved away hands that were reaching for her. “Don’t.”
He couldn’t fathom in a million years that she would be someone he would ever see again. Six months of almost talking. Six months of her almost ignoring him. Anytime he would find an excuse to talk to her, she’d turn away. It drove him insane having her this close and not reaching out to her. But he had found other ways. Lingering in the dining hall. Watching as she worked at the Bison, sipping whiskey longer than he should. Doing anything to catch a glimpse, hear a laugh. He’d watch her when he thought she didn’t notice. Like he was trying to memorize something he already lost once. She’d avoid him. Until she didn’t. Until she couldn’t.
Every time he looked at her, he saw it. Regret. Love. Something that had never really gone away. Then they began circling each other, careful, cautious, like getting to close might burn them alive and he knew it would be his undoing. He’d overheard that she was only going to stay long enough to get her bearing’s and figure out her next stop but every time the opportunity came up for her to go, something kept her. Every time he saw her, she was either alone or with his brother and Ellie. Anytime he came into the same space, her back turned and she was gone, melting away into the crowd.
He’d arranged for them to pair up for her first patrol, knowing there was a possibility that it could backfire in way he wasn’t prepared for but he wanted, no needed to have time alone with her. He needed to tell her what happened, why he’d never come for her, needed to know what had happened to her after the world went to hell. He had a hell of a lot of needs, but he knew there was a small part of him that had no right to have that need. They were heading to Teton and as much as he tried to instigate conversation, she never looked at him, never engaged, eventually dropping behind him. It happened at the second stop.
“You should hate me,” he said, standing too close, voice too quiet.
She shook her head, a sad, broken thing. “I was never very good at it. You’re married?” she asked, voice steady in a way that cost her.
A beat. She nodded, like that didn’t split something open inside her. “Good,” she said.
She meant it. That was the worst part because she knew what it meant to survive alone and if someone gave him something solid, something safe? He deserved that. He just didn’t deserve her. That was the beginning of the end. It wasn’t supposed to happen. Not like this. Not at all but grief has a way of twisting into something else when it sits too long. And love? Love doesn’t just disappear because it’s inconvenient. They didn’t fall into each other. That would’ve been mercy. It started with a fight. Not yelling. Worse.
“You left me,” she said quietly.
“That’s it? That’s all you got?”
“What do you want me to say?” he snapped. “That I’d do it different? I don’t know if I would.” That was the truth and truths were ugly, honest, unforgivable.
She slapped him. Hard. Not because she hated him but because she didn’t, watching as the skin that could be seen turned red with her hand print, palm stinging. “Say you would’ve come back,” she whispered, shaking. “Lie to me, Tommy. Just, just lie.”
He didn’t. Before he could blink, draw breath into lungs, hands were in her hair, mouth devouring hers. She fought against him, feeling curled fists press against his chest before she gave up, bodies melding together. It always shocked him how well they fit together, like soul mates if you believed in that kind of shit.
Just as quick as it happened was just as quick as it ended, eyes searching for any sign that he should stop. It never came. Spinning her around, bending her body over an old table, a hand ran down the middle of her back before reaching around, pulling at buttons and zippers, yanking fabric from places he wanted and he knew after this, there would be no pretending.
In one swift motion, he was buried inside of her, feeling the tightness of her around him, and knew he was home. Not just the home of twenty years ago but home now, with her. It was always her and it would always be her. Bending over, covering her, not moving, knowing he as an asshole but he didn’t care. He needed her like he needed the very air he breathed. They didn’t soften, didn’t try to dress it up. It was hard, fast, hips snapping against her, feeling her convulse around him, over and over before he was done in by her. Ruined by her. It wasn’t a mistake; it wasn’t an accident. It had been a choice and that made this so much worse.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. She wasn’t meant to survive the ending of the world, she wasn’t supposed to have survived the last twenty-one years and she was not supposed to have just let her ex fuck her in the middle of an abandoned building. And she was not supposed to be on her knees right now, feeling the thickness of him throbbing against her tongue as he moved in and out of her mouth, his hands flat against the table behind her, tasting the mix of them. Fine hairs brushed against the tip of her nose, a gentle moan given against the skin of him as he hit the back of her throat. She was going to hell for this along with a million other things she’d done in her life. But she didn’t care. She wanted him, wanted all of him. Somehow in the middle of the frenzy, they ended up naked, her bare ass now sitting on his worn-out shirt, knees on his hips as he took her again, pad of a thumb gently circling her clit as he pumped his cock in and out of her wetness, mouth latched onto an erect nipple. She’d lost count of the orgasms he pulled from her before he came deep and hard. Hell couldn’t be that bad, right?
The next time came easier. And the time after that easier still. They never talked about it. Not really. Not in full. They existed in stolen moments. Late nights. Empty rooms. Hands that knew each other too well. Conversations that stretched too long and silences that said too much.
“I should stop,” she whispered once, forehead pressed to his chest. This time they were in her bed, darkness surrounding them, so many questions that were left unasked.
“Then stop,” he said, even as his arms tightened around her. She didn’t move and neither did he because stopping meant losing each other again and neither of them knew how to survive that twice. Months passed and somewhere along the way it stopped feeling like a mistake. It started feeling like something real again.
“I don’t know how to stop. I can’t keep doing this.”
“Tommy I am ruining you.”
“You aren’t the one who started this.”
“But I am the one who keeps saying yes.”
Which meant there was nothing standing between them anymore. No anger, no distance, just a history of them and want. It was something unfinished that had teeth, that was sinking into their skin and wouldn’t let go. The first time, she let herself believe it was a crack, a moment of weakness but it wasn’t. It was a collapse. One that happened over and over. Deep down, they both knew, it wasn’t going to end quietly. It was going to burn everything around them down to the ground.
If hell was a place that really existed when you died, then he knew he was already going. Not for what he had done with his brother as they made their way from Austin to Boston but for what he was doing with her now. He’d tried to stay away from her. Tried to be that faithful, upstanding person everyone thought he was but he knew that he was an epic failure at it.
Mind went blank as she whimpered, his name never sounded so good as it did now, with his mouth suckling at her clit. It had been just another time where neither one of them could say no. Should they have, yes but for some reason they just couldn’t. Her orgasm soaked his fingers as hers tightened in his hair. Kissing and nipping at skin as he moved up her body, he buried himself inside with one stroke, stilling all movement as he kissed her, feeling her wrap around him, holding him close.
Coming up on his elbows, he stared down at her, her bottom lip between her teeth. “Angel…baby how am I still in love with you after all this time?”
“It’s sex Tommy. Just sex.” Deflecting was one of her best personality traits.
“That’s a lie and ya know it.” Again, he should have stopped but what man in their right mind would walk away from her? Feeling her constrict around him, guiding his head down, to her breasts, her way of telling him to shut up which he had no problem doing as began sliding in and out of her, each stroke harder and deeper, wanting to hear her when she came, wanting to hear his name when it happened.
It happened at the bar. She’d been there early to set up for the night, when people would come in, get a lil drunk, trying to forget everything and anything. It was somewhere public and they were careless. Back against the wall, hands in her hair, mouth suckling at the spot where throat met collar bone, her fingers curled in his shirt like she was holding on to something slipping away and for a second, they forgot. Forgot the world existed, forgot that anyone existed but them.
They broke apart like their skin had caught fire, both of them slowly turning, seeing his older brother standing there, still, quiet, the silence between them heavy. She could see it in his eyes, the disappointment, not just at Tommy but herself as well. Stepping away from Tommy, not daring to glance at him, eyes lowered for a second, maybe two before she walked out of the Bison.
Joel shook his head before placing both hands on the bar. “So ya gonna tell me you tripped and fell into her?”
“What the fuck do you think?"
“I'm thinking no. Ya gotta tell her.”
Tommy’s laugh was bitter, hollow. “Yeah? You tell me how that’s gonna go.”
Joel’s voice softened, just slightly. “I ain’t judgin you. I’ve done worse, hell I’ve thought worse but this, this ain’t gonna stay buried and Maria deserves to hear it from you, not whispers.”
Turning, Tommy poured them both a drink, not a word uttered cause he knows. Knows that what has been happening is wrong but god he couldn’t stop himself when she was around.
“Yea yea I know. I thought she was dead. I don’t know what she thought. I swear Joel I didn’t plan on this happening and know I don’t know how to stop.”
“Again I ain’t judging you, ain’t got the room for it but…” His voice trailed off as he drank knowing his own secrets still haunted him.
She found him first, standing on the outskirts of the fence like he didn’t know exactly where he belonged. He was staring up at the sky, watching stars and clouds swirl together. “I’m leaving,” she said. No hesitation. No buildup.
He froze before dropping his head, boot towing a hole in the dirt. “What?”
“Yes, it is,” she insisted, even as her voice cracked. “This, whatever this is, it’s not right and we both know it.” Watching as his head snaped up, eyes pinning her to the spot.
“It’s already too much,” she says, voice thin. “This place, it’s not supposed to feel like this. I’m not supposed to be this person.”
“I am,” she snaps. “I’m the woman sneaking around with a married man.”
He flinches, knowing it’s true but again it wasn’t all on her. “This ain’t just on you, Angel.”
“I know,” she whispered to him as he steps into her space. Close, so close that one shift of her body and she’d be against him. “That’s why I have to go.”
“I already lost you once,” he says, voice cracking open. “I ain’t doin’ that again.”
“You didn’t lose me. You left me.”
“And there’s a part of me that’s been tryin’ to get back to you ever since,” he fires back. “You think this,” gesturing between them “you think this is just about now?”
“It should be and it has to be.”
He grabbed her wrist, not hard but enough. Enough that he was showing that no matter what, she belonged to him and only him. “Don’t.”
“Make it sound like this don’t matter.”
“It does matter Tommy, too much and therein lies the problem.”
“I won’t,” she corrected, shaking now. “Because if I stay, I’m not strong enough to stop and neither are you.”
“I spent twenty years trying to let you go,” she whispered. “I’m not sure I’ll survive doing that again.”
This time he grabbed the other wrist, pulling her close, walking her backwards, until they were hidden in shadows. “Then don’t go,” he said, voice breaking. “Don’t leave me again.”
That was it. That was the thing that broke her because she believed him, because she still loved him and worse, something told her he felt the same. It’s how she had ended up in the barn, body laid out underneath him, nails digging into his hips as he fucked her hard and fast, almost as if he was desperate for some kind of relief that only she could give him. She knew that thought was absolutely crazy to have but she also knew this would be the last time. No matter what he’d said, she knew she’d have to leave. When he kissed her, logic disappeared as she lost her self in him and the building orgasm that hit so intensely, she swore it shifted something in her soul. Hand cupped his cheeks, making him focus on her, his body stilled for just the briefest moment before one more slam of his hips had him coming deep within her. She loved him and her leaving him…would be the hardest thing she’d ever done.
She stood at the sink, watching the horizon. Joel was late which was odd for him. She’d gone to him the morning after the barn and begged him to get her the hell outta Jackson. A quiet nod was given and she knew he would help her. He didn’t want to see any of them have to face what had happened between her and Tommy when, not if, everyone found out. He knew if anyone found out, she’d be forced to leave. It was easier to help. He’d told her of a place, ten miles out, a small little shack that he would help her fix up. No one questioned them when they were seen leaving on patrol more often or when little things began missing. It had taken them four months to make the place livable, another two to make sure she’d be safe if anyone or anything came around. He never asked questions and she never gave answers. He didn’t judge her or Tommy for what happened, when he had every right but he’d told her that he had his own demons to live with and that was enough for her.
She was in the back, shucking the last of corn she had, when she heard the front door slam. “Hey Joel, toss everything on the table, I’ll be right in.” Dropping the last ear into the chipped bowl, she stood, cracking her neck before she went in. “You’re late, run into any problems?”
“No but I rode by twice before I found it.”
The bowl slipped from her hands, shattering, shards of glass scattering everywhere. “Tommy.”
Rage bubbled just beneath the surface when he saw her walk in, barely flinching when the glass shattered. But the rage was a secondary emotion compared to overwhelming relief he felt when saw her. He’d known something was up when she went back to ignoring him, doing everything she could to not be in the same space, spending more and more time with his brother and for a split second he had thought there was something going on between them. “What the fuck are you doing here Angel?”
“What does it look like Tommy? Whoa, wait, what are you doing here? Where’s Joel?”
“Joel is with Ellie and I’m here cause my brother finally told me where you were.”
“What did you do Tommy? What did you do to him for him to tell you where I was?”
He could hear the bitterness in the tone of her voice. She knew them better than anyone, having grown up with them and knew the only way Joel would rat her out was because he had dirt on him. “It don’t matter. Why’d you leave? You told me you weren’t gonna.”
“No Tommy. I never made any promises. I told you I was gonna leave, you asked me not to and I didn’t listen. Sound familiar?”
“Don’t. Don’t bring up the past. Can’t we just fuckin leave it there? I wanna talk about the fuckin here and now.”
“Don’t raise your voice at me. You have no right to question a damn thing. We ain’t married. Remember that. You’re married to someone else and what was going on between us was wrong. It was a matter of time before everyone found out and I wasn’t going to be treated like a fuckin pariah.”
“How do you think I would have been treated if they all knew? Not any better.” He took an angry step forward but she stood her ground, not even a flinch before he reached up and grabbed her arm, yanking her against him, hand grabbing a fist full of hair, pulling her head back. That’s when he saw it, the flare of desire, mouth slightly open and that almost sigh. “We still feel it. What’s between us and before you say something stupid, it’s more than just fuckin.”
He felt it, the way her body stopped fighting him, the way her breath hitched and that was the problem, it had always been the problem. He could walk away right now and never see her again but he knew he’d find his way back.
She was tired, tired of pretending that he still didn’t own pieces of her that he never gave back. “Yea, we do.” And for a moment neither one of the moved, the tension between them wasn’t just want, it was a history, years of history that was messy and complicated as hell which is why she shoved him away, not hard but just enough. “Don’t make it right.”
He let out a humorless laugh, running a hand through his hair. “Right?” he echoed. “You still care about right?”
“I care about what happens after,” she shot back. “That’s the part you never think about.”
“I think about it,” he said, quieter now. “Every god damn fuckin day.”
Her eyes flickered at that, something soft threatening to surface but she buried it just as fast. “Maria,” she said.
“No, you don’t get to ‘don’t’ me, she’s real. Your life is real. And whatever this is, it ain’t built to survive in the daylight. And I tried. Tried so god damn fucking hard but I can’t forget. I just can’t forget any of it. And just when I think I am free of it, you show up.”
He didn’t answer right away because there wasn’t a clean one. “We stop pretending and no it ain’t supposed to fix it. I’m tired of pretending, of acting like any of this isn’t real. This isn’t somethin I can walk away from. I know I should, I know it’s wrong but Jesus Christ.”
This wasn’t about forgiveness or redemption and sure as hell wasn’t going to be a happy ending but she stepped towards him anyway, hand cupping his cheek, murmuring to him that it was the last time. He nodded but neither one of them believed it and deep down, that was the tragedy of it all, they weren’t strong enough to end it and probably never would be.
She was his angel with wings that had been clipped by sin, all soft curves and flushed skin, hair a mess, strands clinging to the back of her neck while he was all rough edges. He wasn’t just hard, he was aching, the need to bury himself in her clawing at his ribs as his hands found her waist, fingers digging into soft skin as he lifted her, pressing her against the wall, feeling her legs wrapping around his hips as his mouth crashed against her, hearing her moan into the kiss, fingers in his hair, pulling him closer as if somehow she could merge their bodies together, as his tongue slid against hers, claiming her all over again. As hands slid up thighs, he knew he was still in love with her. “Say it, say you still love me.”
She shook her head, breathless as his fingers fumbled with the button of her jeans, barely keeping it together, “I can’t…”
“Yes, you can,” he growled as he tugged her shirt off, fingers rolling her nipples between them. “Tell me you feel nothing when I touch you and I’ll stop.”
“Say it,” he demanded, voice rough with need.
The words were barely out of her mouth before they were on the bed, clothes ripped and pulled free from bodies, the head of his cock lined up, head pressing against her slick entrance and in one brutal thrust he was buried inside of her, hearing him groan, his forehead pressed against hers as he pulled almost all the way out before slamming into her again, the sound of skin hitting skin, filled the small space, mingling with ragged breaths and whispers of how amazing she felt, how they still loved each other, each thrust driving deeper, hitting that spot that made her vision blur around the edges. Legs trembled around him, as she clenched around him, that orgasm coiling tight in her belly. “Tommy, I’m gonna…” She couldn’t finish, words dissolving into a broken moan as the orgasm crashed over her, his pace turning erratic as he chased his own release.
He buried himself one last time, as he came, cock pulsing as he emptied himself deep inside of her, mouth wrapping around a nipple before he rose up on elbows, losing himself in a kiss as he pulled out, rolling to his side, taking her with him, knowing he wasn’t going anywhere. It was finally a truth that neither one of them could outrun. When he died, he knew he was going to hell.
She was jerked awake, mind a fog for a second before she felt arms tighten around her, feeling him pressed against her back. She knew they were living in something fragile and very much doomed, clinging to something that had already cost them so much, because love, even after twenty something years, wasn’t the kind of thing either one of them knew how to walk away from.
She knew it was going to get deeper, messier, dangerous and become twisted into something unrecognizable, something sharp, something that cuts every time they touch it. And the worst part? It still felt like the only real thing either one of them has left and it was going to destroy everything around them. And neither one of them cared.
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