John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner
THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE
GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY
This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.
[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal Iāve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jonesās Whatās New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited.Ā
Hereās the thing about when, uh, Whatās New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not āhey someoneās playing Whatās New Pussycat again.ā Itās āhey, Whatās New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays youāre thinking maybe someoneās playing Whatās New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays youāre either thinking āwhoa someone just played Whatās New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and itās a really long song.ā So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?Ā
Now, John and I weāre watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to whatās going on. And weāre staring at this one guy and heās sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and heās like staring at his coffee cup like this, and heās been onto us since the beginning. And heās sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And heās staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. Itās dead quiet. Then, I donāt know if you know this, but the song begins very quietlyā¦
BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHATāS NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and Iām punching in the Whatās New Pussycats alright? Iāve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me āhey hey hey before you punch in another Whatās New Pussycat letās drop in one Itās Not Unusual.ā
Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven Whatās New Pussycats. In a row - It played seven times. Suddenly - Dum da dum, ITāS NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jonesās Itās Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven Whatās New Pussycats. Itās true. Dead honest.
And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. Itās Not Unusual fade out. Itās dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHATāS NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like āyup some crap as always.āĀ
They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]
reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and itās still forever hilarious omg
