need me a t-shirt that says “THE TOOKS SHOT FIRST”

no one ever talks about gimli being not even slightly tempted by the ring. motherfucker had no hesitation just walked up with his axe and immediately tried to wreck it. obviously that didn’t work but like, the ring had zero visible effect on him. amazing… gold sickness in the line of durin WHOMST?? not in gimli son of gloin

He wasn’t going to let himself be embarrassed in front of all these fucking ELVES

He learned his lesson

The core conceit of Lord of the Rings is pretty funny. You are a twenty three year old in a suburb of Maine. The little bracelet in your grandpa’s attic has an inscription on it that is the password to the world’s entire nuclear arsenal. It is up to you to walk to the only hydraulic press in the world, located in Arizona, before the FBI finds the bracelet, kills you, and enslaves the suburb of Maine you currently live in

Also the 90-year old hobo that your grandpa beat in a rap battle for possession of the bracelet while hiding from the Romanian secret police really loved the bracelet because it was coated in small amounts of LSD and tried to hunt and kill your grandpa to get it back. He was then apprehended by the FBI and instantly gave them your grandpa’s address. Seal Team Six is about to break down your door and shoot you, says your local congressman who can also do cool magic tricks

There's a guy in NY who MIGHT be capable of destroying the codes but won't coz he simply wants to spend time with his wife. So it's up to your grandpa's old friend in rural Ohio to get you the friends capable of finishing the task.

And we must not, at any point, remember the existence of aircraft and ask aloud why we can't just fly to Arizona

isn't that that Tolkien book

Ah yes, The Silmulsimultaniousatnululsy, a classic piece of Tolkien literature

one of the underrated lessons from lotr's Aragorn is to avoid responsibility for as long as humanly possible, possibly in the woods, possibly without showering, until the small folk need you or whatever

okay, then you do need to pick up that sword eventually, and there will be wizard, so do pick up the sword at some point

You should only stay in places long enough for people to give you some peppery nicknames

So since the fandom has come the the (correct) conclusion that Samwise Gamgee is the absolute height of hobbit attractiveness standards, it only follows logically that hobbits see Sam working for Frodo as the middle earth equivalent of your weird eccentric rich neighbor having a hot pool boy. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.